Before the spectre of time fades away with the memories of my youth I have decided to share as many tales of past adventures as possible. So here goes.....
In a land far far away, there was this young lad called Chris and he had a friend called Mike and another one called John. They were a generic group of dudes who would do regular things like watching soccer games, going to the gym once in a while, drinking, clubbing and of course chasing women.
Anyway one day Mike decides one night to pick up Chris and John so they can go and paint the town red. When he meets them at the local they notice that he has a cute looking young lady with him, you see Mike liked his girls when they had just come of age before they acquired what he called "mileage."
Chris and John were used to this, so after they were introduced to Janet, they gave her a hearty welcome and continued to partake of the cheap beer at the local bar. They knew that they would get their chance to swoop in and scoop their own prey much like eagles swoop in unattended chicks in the open plains of Ukambani when they got to the expensive lounge they were going to in Westlands. In typical Kenyan fashion no-one was carded as drinks were being served and even the driver himself had a drink or two. After a few ribald tales were exchanged and jokes cracked they motley crew hopped into Mike's souped up Toyota Camry and made their way to the happening joint at the moment that was located in Central Westlands.
On exiting the car and entering the lounge, the bouncer wanted to see Janet's I.D but a 100/= note slipped into his hand seemed to distract him rather fast and they were ushered into the club. Once in the lounge the time seemed to fly as they sat at their own table, the two amigos left the happy couple canoodling as they did their lap of honor, catching up with old friends, making new friends and following up on earlier agendas.
John and Chris's plan was about to bear fruit as could be evinced by how captivated the two girls they had met at the club were with their tales and jokes they were cracking but a spanner was thrown in the gears when Mike whispered to them that they had to go. It seems that Janet was not supposed to be out at that ungodly hour. John and Chris grumbled but they remembered the old saying, bros before....; so they got hold of the girls' cell phone numbers and promised to follow up on what had began that night. They piled into the car and despite Janet's urgency, a visit to their favourite all night eatery Big City was a must; when they got there they indulged in their regular meal of somersaulting chicken (that was their nick name for rotisserie chicken since it rotated on the grill like a gymnast on the bar) and french fries. After eating to their fill, Mike sped up the highway into the leafy suburbs of Lavington where Janet lived. Mike stopped the car outside the gate of large mansion and dimmed his lights and began to exchange sweet nothings while Chris and John snoozed in the backseat of the car. The two of them were shocked out of their beer drenched dreams by a shrill voice saying, "You think I wouldn't catch up with you Janet?!"
It seemed that Janet's mother had noticed that she was not home and had decided to camp in the watchman's cubicle that was beside the gate. When she heard a car pull into the drive way, she snuck out of the side gate to see if it was Janet. Mike and Janet were so caught up in their moment that they did not notice Janet's mum's hand reaching into the open driver's window and pull the keys out of the ignition and stuff them into her nightgown pocket.
John and Chris woke up to find the couple outside the car being lectured by Janet's mother. Janet's mother lamented her daughter's descent into immorality and pulled her cell phone from her pocket and said she was going to call her husband from the main house so he could deal with them. Mike knew that Janet's father was a prominent man in society and he wasn't ready to find out what he would use his considerable connections to do to him. Before Janet's mum knew what was happening Mike had grabbed his car keys out of her pocket, jumped into the car and drove away. Everyone else who remained was in a state of shock over the current state of events. It took a second for what had happened to compute in Chris's mind but when it did he decided to do the next best thing; he ran after the car. John took cue and ran after him, Janet was seeing how she was going to face the music on her own so she pulled up the hem of her already brief skirt took off her high heels and ran after the two of them leaving Mama Janet shouting in their wake. After running round the corner of the street for a few hundred feet, half freezing, half drunk and in a state of mental chaos they found Mike sitting on his car bonnet laughing at them. Chris and John chided Mike for not telling them about plan B, but seeing as they were good friends they didn't let their unexpected drama spoil the night for them. Janet seemed worried but Mike sweet talked her and she was soon in high spirits, the got into the car and drove towards Nairobi West where they resumed drinking at one of their regular all night bars.
Post script: After one week at his apartment, Mike convinced Janet to go back home; she went back home and after her parents got over their worry they grounded her for 3 months. Of course this was futile because after 1 month she found other ways of sneaking out of the house to indulge in her new passion for clubbing.
Any resemblance to people or events in the life Acolyte are purely coincidental and unintentional!
NOT SAFE FOR WORK VIDEO (ADULT LANGUAGE) ..........
If you can't view this video either youtube took it down or you have to log in to watch it, if that has become the case by the time I post this I shall edit the post.
Alexyss Tylor is on a level of her own! Just look at the care free way she handles those dildos as she tells her story! How she can relate the story of the 3 wise men to being shagged up the ass is just amazing to say the least! Seems Alexyss also listens to Snoop Dogg because she just used a variation of a line used in the song 'Baby Boy'; young, dum and full of cum. I still maintain the opinion that this mama was on the end of some superstar d*ck coz she just seems like she hasn't let it go! Nothing beats a hard dreary day at the office like a video like this that makes you laugh and think at the same time. At least she had the sense not to have her mum in this video. I think instead of the vagina monologues we should have the Tylor Monologues, why don't we buy her an airplane ticket and have her perfom at the Carnivore, Phoenix Theater and KICC so as to enlighten African women?
Anyway I think I have said enough, Thank God I have the day off! Let the job hunt begin!
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Friday, July 13, 2007
Hadithi, hadithi..........
What is a week without a wonderful Acolyte tale of love and passion?
There was this American girl (let's call her Jenny), who went to Kenya last year to do volunteer work. After working and enjoying Kenya for one year, she decided to invite her father to come over and revel in the beauty of Kenya. Her father flew in, they spent time together travelling and exploring the various sites. During one of his jaunts her father (let's call him Mr Smith), befriended a young girl called Wanja on the bus back to the city. Whenever his daughter was too busy with her volunteer work to spend time with him, Wanja would show Mr Smith around town town. Over time they ended up spending alot of time together and due to the gratitude Mr Smith felt towards Wanja's benevolence he would take her out once in a while and buy her a small gift here and there. The two of them became close to the point of Wanja inviting Mr Smith to her house and cooking him different indigenous Kenyan dishes.
With all the time the two of them were spending together Mr Smith began to compare Wanja to his wife of 20 years, and compared to Wanja's beautiful ebony skin, deep brown eyes, perky breasts and luscious hips Mrs Smith's with her pasty white skin, flabby bosom and poor cooking were found extremely wanting. From sampling Kenyan dinner dishes like mukimu and githeri Mr Smith graduated to breakfast dishes like njahis and uji among others.
Jenny hadn't seen her father in a month and when she got in touch with him, he told her that he was on an expedition to Tanzania but little did she know that love was being brewed in an African pot (so sue me! I have always wanted to use that phrase!). The only thing that put a damper on Mr Smith's fun was the fact that he had only budgeted to stay in Kenya for a month and not three months and neither had he budgeted paying Wanja's rent, utilities, buying her gifts, paying her brother's school fees among other expenses. He moved out of his hotel room and moved into Wanja's 2 bed room extension in South C. It was not as sumptious and the Landmark but since he was with his beloved he didn't mind one bit.
At this same time Mrs Smith got in touch with her daughter and expressed her concern and shock about Mr Smith not coming back Stateside or keeping in touch after the first month he went to Africa only to call her and say that he had found someone else and was going to be starting a new life. Jenny was frantic and went into denial when she head that, that was not the same father she knew and loved. She rushed to the Landmark hotel to look for her dad only to be told that he had left with his girlfriend. When she heard the word "girlfriend" Jenny's blood turned cold. She had stopped texting and calling her dad on his Kenyan cell phone number a few weeks back when he told her he was leaving, conveniently it seemed that his "departure" was the same time she had to travel to Northern Kenya to do some volunteer work, so she couldn't see him off but that was all old news now. The phone rang for what seemed to be hours and went straight to voice mail where Jenny left her dad a message imploring him to call her and expressing how worried she was.
Meanwhile one week passed and Mr Smith's paradise began to sour as he opened a Pandora's box by telling Wanja that he was running out of money and wanted to try and find a job so they could stay together and start a new life. Wanja's sunny demeanour turned stormy almost overnight. She appeared less and less enamoured with him, his physical advances were nipped in the bud before they began and she didn't even want to hear his stories anymore. After one week of being ignored he decided to take his luggage and go see Jenny. After being man handled in the local matatus since he was too broke to take a taxi, he finally found himself at Jenny's apartment. Jenny let him and he could see the mixture of betrayal, pity, relief and anger on her face. He narrated his situation, of course manipulating it in a way to seem like he was seduced by Wanja and how broke he was. Since he still had his ticket, Wanja had almost talked him into selling it but he had procrastinated so long that she stopped bothering him about it, so what he needed was enough money for the local flight within the States to get back home. Jenny gave him the extra money that he needed for his flight and took him to the airport. A few days later she called to talk to her heartbroken yet angry mother who was still debating whether to take her grovelling husband back or not after his dalliances with what she called his nubian whores and how the word Kenya just burns a hole in her stomach; at that point in time Jenny didn't have the guts to tell her mother that she was dating a wonderful Kenyan man.
A true story as narrated to a close source of The Acolyte.
In other news, BET decided they were going to make this show based on the premise of this website that takes a tongue in cheek look at the failings of black people as a community in America. Of course the PC crowd weren't having that and amidst protests sponsors have began to pull out. It's said that the show may be showing this (not safe for work!) clip, if so it's going to be like a car crash, you shouldn't be looking but you can't help yourself. But for real, I hope that show doesn't see the light of day, black people have enough to worry about without more one sided depraved potrayals.
I think this is the lowest level of depravity one can get to. I'm not justifying hacking up of adults but when you start killing kids, I have no pity when the police shoot to kill and not to maim members of that gang.
Other than that I have a friend who is moving into her first apartment in a week or two. Any good gift ideas that won't break the bank? Ideas would be most welcome! I was reading The pulse online and this is one of their few articles that hits the nail on the head! Whatever anyone tells you, the States is a very harsh market for musicians be they African, Asian or European. It's a very very competitive market even for Americans themselves and few suceed, I'm not saying it can't be done but if you are going to take the plunge; plan long and plan hard.
I think I have said a bit more than I usually do, nice weekend people!
Ps: Dear psycho one and psycho two, this isn't the place for your tirades that run several pages long. Keep it in the nut house; Thanks you!
There was this American girl (let's call her Jenny), who went to Kenya last year to do volunteer work. After working and enjoying Kenya for one year, she decided to invite her father to come over and revel in the beauty of Kenya. Her father flew in, they spent time together travelling and exploring the various sites. During one of his jaunts her father (let's call him Mr Smith), befriended a young girl called Wanja on the bus back to the city. Whenever his daughter was too busy with her volunteer work to spend time with him, Wanja would show Mr Smith around town town. Over time they ended up spending alot of time together and due to the gratitude Mr Smith felt towards Wanja's benevolence he would take her out once in a while and buy her a small gift here and there. The two of them became close to the point of Wanja inviting Mr Smith to her house and cooking him different indigenous Kenyan dishes.
With all the time the two of them were spending together Mr Smith began to compare Wanja to his wife of 20 years, and compared to Wanja's beautiful ebony skin, deep brown eyes, perky breasts and luscious hips Mrs Smith's with her pasty white skin, flabby bosom and poor cooking were found extremely wanting. From sampling Kenyan dinner dishes like mukimu and githeri Mr Smith graduated to breakfast dishes like njahis and uji among others.
Jenny hadn't seen her father in a month and when she got in touch with him, he told her that he was on an expedition to Tanzania but little did she know that love was being brewed in an African pot (so sue me! I have always wanted to use that phrase!). The only thing that put a damper on Mr Smith's fun was the fact that he had only budgeted to stay in Kenya for a month and not three months and neither had he budgeted paying Wanja's rent, utilities, buying her gifts, paying her brother's school fees among other expenses. He moved out of his hotel room and moved into Wanja's 2 bed room extension in South C. It was not as sumptious and the Landmark but since he was with his beloved he didn't mind one bit.
At this same time Mrs Smith got in touch with her daughter and expressed her concern and shock about Mr Smith not coming back Stateside or keeping in touch after the first month he went to Africa only to call her and say that he had found someone else and was going to be starting a new life. Jenny was frantic and went into denial when she head that, that was not the same father she knew and loved. She rushed to the Landmark hotel to look for her dad only to be told that he had left with his girlfriend. When she heard the word "girlfriend" Jenny's blood turned cold. She had stopped texting and calling her dad on his Kenyan cell phone number a few weeks back when he told her he was leaving, conveniently it seemed that his "departure" was the same time she had to travel to Northern Kenya to do some volunteer work, so she couldn't see him off but that was all old news now. The phone rang for what seemed to be hours and went straight to voice mail where Jenny left her dad a message imploring him to call her and expressing how worried she was.
Meanwhile one week passed and Mr Smith's paradise began to sour as he opened a Pandora's box by telling Wanja that he was running out of money and wanted to try and find a job so they could stay together and start a new life. Wanja's sunny demeanour turned stormy almost overnight. She appeared less and less enamoured with him, his physical advances were nipped in the bud before they began and she didn't even want to hear his stories anymore. After one week of being ignored he decided to take his luggage and go see Jenny. After being man handled in the local matatus since he was too broke to take a taxi, he finally found himself at Jenny's apartment. Jenny let him and he could see the mixture of betrayal, pity, relief and anger on her face. He narrated his situation, of course manipulating it in a way to seem like he was seduced by Wanja and how broke he was. Since he still had his ticket, Wanja had almost talked him into selling it but he had procrastinated so long that she stopped bothering him about it, so what he needed was enough money for the local flight within the States to get back home. Jenny gave him the extra money that he needed for his flight and took him to the airport. A few days later she called to talk to her heartbroken yet angry mother who was still debating whether to take her grovelling husband back or not after his dalliances with what she called his nubian whores and how the word Kenya just burns a hole in her stomach; at that point in time Jenny didn't have the guts to tell her mother that she was dating a wonderful Kenyan man.
A true story as narrated to a close source of The Acolyte.
In other news, BET decided they were going to make this show based on the premise of this website that takes a tongue in cheek look at the failings of black people as a community in America. Of course the PC crowd weren't having that and amidst protests sponsors have began to pull out. It's said that the show may be showing this (not safe for work!) clip, if so it's going to be like a car crash, you shouldn't be looking but you can't help yourself. But for real, I hope that show doesn't see the light of day, black people have enough to worry about without more one sided depraved potrayals.
I think this is the lowest level of depravity one can get to. I'm not justifying hacking up of adults but when you start killing kids, I have no pity when the police shoot to kill and not to maim members of that gang.
Other than that I have a friend who is moving into her first apartment in a week or two. Any good gift ideas that won't break the bank? Ideas would be most welcome! I was reading The pulse online and this is one of their few articles that hits the nail on the head! Whatever anyone tells you, the States is a very harsh market for musicians be they African, Asian or European. It's a very very competitive market even for Americans themselves and few suceed, I'm not saying it can't be done but if you are going to take the plunge; plan long and plan hard.
I think I have said a bit more than I usually do, nice weekend people!
Ps: Dear psycho one and psycho two, this isn't the place for your tirades that run several pages long. Keep it in the nut house; Thanks you!
Monday, July 09, 2007
Blogging Is Like.........
Blogging is alot like sex in many ways
- Some people like to make the fact that they do it public while some others do it undercover and deny the fact that we do it all.
-Some people like to do it by themselves while others like to do it as a group.
- Some people can do it more than once a day while others do it once a week.
- The first time is never the same for everyone.
- You can do it for money or just for the love of it.
- Some people take forever to get it done while some people can do it in minutes
- You can teach yourself or get someone to teach you.
- We all have our own way of doing it.
- Some people think they are really good at it when they really suck at it.
- Some people look really skilled when you look at their blogs but when you really sink your teeth into it they are all talk and no action/content.
- Some people pretend to be gentlemen on their blogs when they are really sick freaks in real life.
- You can go to jail for doing it. It is banned in some countries too!
- Some people do it for fun while others see it as their calling in life.
I could go on and on, but I'll let ya'll add some other analogies in the comments section. I have been reflecting lately and I have realised that a blog is like a sexual partner (yes being on the b-train kinda shifted my perspective), you see when you start blogging it is an exciting process. You can't keep your hands of your blog, you want to feel it all over and discover new things, make it look better, read better and make it an enjoyable experience for all who visit. But over time much like a sexual partner, the faults you overlooked due to your earlier euphoria become glaringly apparent, other blogs begin to look/read better than yours, you begin to wonder how another blog hosting service would feel, you so want to leave but you have this regular blog that you have become so accustomed to that you don't know how other blogs/ blog hosts/ blog communities will treat you. You want to go but you also want to stay because better the devil you know than the angel you don't.
Ps: I'm not contemplating stopping blogging even though I'm on semi-hiatus; I'm just considering leaving blogger..........
- Some people like to make the fact that they do it public while some others do it undercover and deny the fact that we do it all.
-Some people like to do it by themselves while others like to do it as a group.
- Some people can do it more than once a day while others do it once a week.
- The first time is never the same for everyone.
- You can do it for money or just for the love of it.
- Some people take forever to get it done while some people can do it in minutes
- You can teach yourself or get someone to teach you.
- We all have our own way of doing it.
- Some people think they are really good at it when they really suck at it.
- Some people look really skilled when you look at their blogs but when you really sink your teeth into it they are all talk and no action/content.
- Some people pretend to be gentlemen on their blogs when they are really sick freaks in real life.
- You can go to jail for doing it. It is banned in some countries too!
- Some people do it for fun while others see it as their calling in life.
I could go on and on, but I'll let ya'll add some other analogies in the comments section. I have been reflecting lately and I have realised that a blog is like a sexual partner (yes being on the b-train kinda shifted my perspective), you see when you start blogging it is an exciting process. You can't keep your hands of your blog, you want to feel it all over and discover new things, make it look better, read better and make it an enjoyable experience for all who visit. But over time much like a sexual partner, the faults you overlooked due to your earlier euphoria become glaringly apparent, other blogs begin to look/read better than yours, you begin to wonder how another blog hosting service would feel, you so want to leave but you have this regular blog that you have become so accustomed to that you don't know how other blogs/ blog hosts/ blog communities will treat you. You want to go but you also want to stay because better the devil you know than the angel you don't.
Ps: I'm not contemplating stopping blogging even though I'm on semi-hiatus; I'm just considering leaving blogger..........
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Movie Time!
It's been so long that I doubt most of the readers who read my blog remember, but guess what? Even though I am in semi-hiatus, Movie Time is back! Sit back and enjoy the fun. If the movie isn't showing click here.
Design by Graphéine
Here's another one! If it isn't showing here is the link.
Design by Graphéine
And yet another one! Back up link here.
Design by Graphéine
This here was a classic! R. Kelly could have learned a thing or two from this dude! You never take off your mask when the cameras are rolling!
Here's one for the road! Look at them run! But on the serious side, the chic in the video had the lamest excuse for stepping out on her man; "you are never home..." Damn! Anything but that, dude is busy working to take care of you and the kids. If he stayed at home all the time it would be another story altogether. And she has the nerve to have an attitude about it! Remember, good guys always finish last, when it comes to women! Anyway that is blog material for another day. Let me enjoy my semi-hiatus.
Nice Weekend all! For those of you who are not in the movies, your time will come! It always does!
Design by Graphéine
Here's another one! If it isn't showing here is the link.
Design by Graphéine
And yet another one! Back up link here.
Design by Graphéine
This here was a classic! R. Kelly could have learned a thing or two from this dude! You never take off your mask when the cameras are rolling!
Here's one for the road! Look at them run! But on the serious side, the chic in the video had the lamest excuse for stepping out on her man; "you are never home..." Damn! Anything but that, dude is busy working to take care of you and the kids. If he stayed at home all the time it would be another story altogether. And she has the nerve to have an attitude about it! Remember, good guys always finish last, when it comes to women! Anyway that is blog material for another day. Let me enjoy my semi-hiatus.
Nice Weekend all! For those of you who are not in the movies, your time will come! It always does!
Friday, July 06, 2007
Nothing To Say.........
I was reading this article and I got to thinking. Is it that men always talked almost as much as women and this was misrepresented or is it that now men are becoming more like women and talking more or are women becoming more like men and talking less? And who said there was only 2 sides to a coin?
In other news, on hearing these tidings a one D shy, Majonzi, Kelitu, Spicebear, Nick and other females on the Kenyan blogosphere were seen prostrated on the ground crying tear of joy. Enjoy the movie ladies.
This is one of the best fake stories that I have ever read! Whoever wrote it needs a big pat on the back!
You have to play this game, it rocks! Not Safe For Work!
Since summer is here, I have to share one of my seasonal peeves. Unless you have a visor for your windscreen or have shaded parking, you have to park in the sun. So when you leave work or wherever you had gone and get into your car, it's an interesting experience. First of all, it's like stepping into an oven and unless you have one of those newer cars that have super cool air-conditioning when you start the car, all the air-con does is spread that hot air; so you leave it off for the first few minutes. The most fun part is how hot your steering wheel gets, so it's like trying to make corners holding a hot plate. I've taken to driving with oven mitts for the first mile till the air-conditioning kicks in.
And in other news, I have began the latest draft of H.I.P.P.I.E! More randy action coming to a blog near you!
In other news, on hearing these tidings a one D shy, Majonzi, Kelitu, Spicebear, Nick and other females on the Kenyan blogosphere were seen prostrated on the ground crying tear of joy. Enjoy the movie ladies.
This is one of the best fake stories that I have ever read! Whoever wrote it needs a big pat on the back!
You have to play this game, it rocks! Not Safe For Work!
Since summer is here, I have to share one of my seasonal peeves. Unless you have a visor for your windscreen or have shaded parking, you have to park in the sun. So when you leave work or wherever you had gone and get into your car, it's an interesting experience. First of all, it's like stepping into an oven and unless you have one of those newer cars that have super cool air-conditioning when you start the car, all the air-con does is spread that hot air; so you leave it off for the first few minutes. The most fun part is how hot your steering wheel gets, so it's like trying to make corners holding a hot plate. I've taken to driving with oven mitts for the first mile till the air-conditioning kicks in.
And in other news, I have began the latest draft of H.I.P.P.I.E! More randy action coming to a blog near you!
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