Monday Moanings Part XVII

This weekend I had to help someone do one of the things that I hate most in the world; MOVE HOUSE! What made this worse is that this was a poorly orchestrated move, when you call the Acolyte to help you move, he expects to come to your house and find all your boxes packed and ready to go. Sadly this wasn't the case, most of the stuff was all over the place and there was hardly enough boxes to go round. To add insult to injury, what was to be tossed out wasn't sorted from what was to be kept; so we had to help do that in addition to packing.
Of course tempers were frayed at several times during that day and alot of moaning and wingeing was heard. But I also realised how much rubbish people accumulate over the years when they live in one area long enough. You see I have packrat tendancies but I balance it out by not buying very much, but I know people who are both packrats and heavy shoppers. I once helped this friend of mine move who had enough shoes to supply a small boutique. Anyway I guess we are all different when it comes to collecting stuff and moving. For me the more organised and the less stuff to move, the better! Sadly that was the story of my boring weekend.

But.................... I am in the process of discovering that revenge is a dish best served cold, nicely and chilled. More on that cryptic comment in the future.

Before I go ya'll didn't think I would forget the Monday segment. In fact I challenge ya'll to come up with a name for it. I'll get the ball rolling...."You Should Have Stayed Home"
That's what my tired mind could come up with, anyway let the captions and the fun begin!



No comment......



Nick watched wistfully as Milo once again had his way on the dancefloor...



What the hell?! The dance of the comatose?????



First of all, where is her left shoe? Second that stuff being splashed on her looks alot like.....



These are the chicas who are great fans of beer goggles and the 3 a.m rule....



At least oil your legs before you go to the club, I'm not even going to talk about the dress



Ashy legs - check, ashy face - check, no shoes - check, no shame - check....We have a winner!



What the hell?! Practice session for the after party or what?!

Have a nice day and stay out shady clubs!

Monday Moanings Part XVI

Another Monday is upon us! I don't have much to say other than vent a bit about some people. If there is one thing I hate it's liars, and what I hate even worse than liars are unrepentant liars. Have you ever caught someone in the the wrong, call them out and then they try and turn it around on you claiming that you are in the wrong, claiming you have trust issues and all that mess. When in reality you actually have more evidence than you think they do about what they did. Why I bother dealing with some people I don't even know. Anyway that is someone extra to boot out of my life.

I'm a bit late on this but seems like schools are striking en masse in Kenya. And in true mzee fashion Prof Ongeri decides to try and put out the smoke instead of the fire. Getting rid of cell phones in schools and DVD players isn't going to do much in the long run; the issues go far deeper than that.
Let's keep it real, many boarding schools' administration style leaves a whole lot to be desired. Add to the fact that many of them are still ran on the 1970's model of administration where children are meant to be seen and not heard. Listening to your students and talking to them can yield alot of results and this hardly every happens in many boarding schools and quite a few day schools too.
But on the other hand, many parents today have abdicated their roles as parents and role models. So as a result kids expect to have the same freedoms they have at home when they go to school. Add to this the fact that according to some parents their children can do no wrong so the teachers have no leeway when it comes to discipline. Throw in the increasing number of single parent households and you end up having a lack of male role models and the remaining parent is too busy trying to put food on the table to bother with Jr tearing up the school every other day.
I'm not even going to mention the KCSE fiasco. There's alot of work to be done. Thank God I am not a parent....

Anyway enough of the serious stuff! Time for the fun weekend pics. All opinions welcome! Have a nice day all!



Is the gal on the far left pregnant or just big?


As you can see in clubs the M.O when it comes to dancing is girl's ass meet's dude's crotch, but in some cases like the couple in the far right for some reason or other that doesn't work so........


First things first, why is there always tissue paper on the floor in these grimy clubs? Second how can the chic on the far left be barefoot after looking at the state of the floor. Third, why is the dude behind her drenched, is that sweat or what? Fourth, I wonder if that hand made it to it's desired destination?


I'd like to know the logistics of what they were doing too


Real friends don't let friends go out looking like a mess...


Please look at the expression of the chica on the far left, she sums it up best!


Now you all know what a camel toe is....

Monday Moanings Part XV

I want to introduce you to a new phrase which is, f*cking below the line. F*cking below the line was a term used in a Mario Puzo book I read sometime to mean screwing someone who is below your station in life; this could be social, financial etc. I had been thinking of this post for a while but Archer's last post spurred me to action. You see whether you like it or not, most if not all of us who have indulged in sexual activities have screwed below the line. The worst thing with screwing below the line is that often there is a small alarm bell that is ringing in our head that is telling us to STAY AWAY! But due to being on the B train for so long or sheer lust, the ringing is ignored and kungulu (I hear that's what peeps call shag in Kenya nowadays) commences.

Screwing below the line seems fun and easy because look at it this way to the individual here forth referred to as the screwee, you are a hot commodity. So the screwer will have an easy time getting with the screwee. But the problem comes when the screwer wants to leave the screwee and return to their regular group, the screwee makes it as hard as possible and refuses to let go and may resort to all sorts of drama to keep the screwer.

How do you know if you are f*cking below the line?

1. Is your partner someone you would ordinary be seen in public with?

2. Do you avoid introducing your new partner to your regular friends and crew?

3. Does your partner talk about a future for the two of you and when they do, do you find yourself shuddering?

4. Do you find yourself side stepping the question when your new partner talks about you two being together?

5. Even when you are with this new partner and are spending time, are you still listed as single on facebook and myspace or whatever other social networking site you use?

If you can answer YES to more than one of those questions then know you are most def screwing below the line. Oh and just to toss in a twist, if the person you are with is displaying the same behavior either they are commitment phobic or they scraped the barrel with you; whichever way it is you are screwed!

What I find funny though is how due to the wonderful mechanics of the human mind is that after deluding oneself for a while sooner or later a moment of clarity comes to the fore and someone realises they are screwing below the line. This may be mid hump, when they wake up one morning and see the person next to them or in the middle of the occasional date. I say occasional because for some reason or other people don't go out for dates very often with their screwees, unless the screwee applies pressure.

Now after the moment of clarity getting out of the situation tends to be tricky because many screwee's don't let go easily. I remember one who once argued her way out of the break up, yes that is how insistent she was; she had a counter point for every point I had for not dating her. Yes my fully laid plans were thwarted for a while.After her insistent pressure I decided to take advantage of some information she knew about me, you she did know that the Acolyte is a somewhat spiritual being; so I did what any spiritual man would do. I told her that I had taken a vow of singlehood and celibacy, which was somewhat true because I was just tired of all the drama that comes with strokes. That and me going underground finally took the pressure off me because she kept on insisting that she wanted to come and see me (last ditch seduction attempt). My solution, if the shag seems to easy; think twice. Plus make sure you are not someone's screwee!

Anyway since I have been staying out of trouble, I have been having a ball looking at pic's of peeps acting the fool in the club. I'm going to share them. Please feel free to add your own captions!



My question is, what is the lady woman in the far right doing? The expression on her face.....



Yaaaaaaaaay! Guess who's here to save the night.....



Shaun at the far left decided he may as well jerk off in the club instead of waiting to get home..



If she stand still enough for long enough she can blend in the same way the Zebra whose pants she stole blends into the savannah



Archer: Natukifika kwa rodging, nitakuinua juu hivi, harafu.......



Milo: Dear Mocha, you can even see I'm on my knees. I promise all I want you to do is have a cup of juice at my place after the club; nothing else
Archer: Wachana with his siasa. I have a new couch I bought today that I want you to come to my apartment and sit on!
Mocha: Blushes away....

Have a great Monday People!

Apartment Living Part I

Time for a change from the usual Monday Moaning. Anyone who moves to the West while at one time or other have to live in an apartment complex. Apartments or as we call them in Kenya, flats are not as prevalent back home as they are out here due to the high population density in many Western cities. When you move out to a mid sized or large city unless you can afford otherwise or have room mates, odds are high that you shall be living in an apartment complex.

Finding an apartment complex in itself is an adventure. You see here in America many complexes are so wiley in their advertising that it verges on fraud in some cases when you go to see the apartment complex and find out that the picture was several years old and severely photo shopped too. This is so done that it stops being funny, when you get there the amenities they advertised like the gym are so run down or in some cases like swimming pools not even open for use.

Where your apartment complex is also very important. In most Western cities everything is far from each other unless you live in a small town. So you have to make important trade offs. Would you rather live close to work? Close to school? Close to friends and family? And of course apartments that are closer to the highway tend to be more expensive then those that are further in. Plus if you the more "up town" the neighborhood the more expensive rent will be. So you have to make hard choices. Most of the time you can get cheap rents the further you go from the City but you shall have to get used to driving long distances and hours to get to work, school and other places. I remember when I came here my fam was living in a nice big house but that house was almost 20 minutes to the interstate, not amusing at all I tell you.

Immediate neighbourhood and residents of an area are very important. I'm not going to be racist or anything (then goes ahead to make racist statement) but you want to stay away from any place that has a sign that says "acceptamos tax ID," that basically means that the apartment complex will most likely have alot of Mexicans living there. Mexicans are alot like the Somalis we used to have in Kenya who would live 20 deep in a 2 bedroom house. Some apartments like them due to the fact that Mexicans like to keep a low profile and are less likely to push for their apartment to be fixed when something breaks and thus cost less to keep as tenants. And you do know that of course as a black person you would stand out like a sore thumb in a predominantly hispanic apartment complex. On the other hand, if you are a brave soul you could move into a predominantly black lower or middle class area aka "The Hood" where you wouldn't stand out very much. The only thing is that some of these areas are high crime and the apartments aren't always well maintained, I recall in one apartment complex we lived in my small brother had his tyres stolen at night and he had bought new rims. Lucky for us my big sister suspected who it was that did it, so she talked to the kids mum and told them what had happened without accusing her kids but she caught the hint, gave them a tongue lashing and the next morning my small bro found his tyres on the patio and as all this was happening the leasing office were not concerned at all. On the other hand this isn't to say that all places where black folk live are "hood" there are predominantly black up class areas but of course you need the money to afford to live there. As for living in a predominantly white area, you are not ensured that the apartments will be of the greatest quality since there are lower class white areas too but since white people on a whole have more money than minorities they tend to have the better neighbourhoods, hence the reason many people like moving to predominantly white areas. The only thing is that first of all we all know that some white folk can't stand black folk, so some apartment complexes will make it as hard as possible for you to move in by asking for all sorts of pre-conditions ie high rent, high deposit, long rental history, stable employment history, background checks and all that sort of thing to knock you out of the running. And if you do get in some of the neighbours won't be too pleased to have you and will do anything they can to make your life miserable esp when you stray from their community rules. But there are some apartment communities where people of all races seem to get along or pretend to for the most part.

So you see when you leave home things aren't as simple as they were back home where a new home was an ad in the classifieds away. Here it's a whole 'nother ball game.

Part II - Room mates, leases and other fun things............

Tuesday Tirades II......................

Sigh, bloggers block continues to compound with time. Anyway let me do what I can to combat it. Last weekend I went to the International Farmer's Market to get my usual supply of fruit, veggies and other occasional treats and noticed something. This maybe be stereo-typing, something I am not a big fan of; but Africans stare. There is this chica who was staring at me and I wanted to tell her to watch out otherwise her eyes would roll out of her skull, no my fly wasn't open, The Acolyte is just hot like that. Similarly a friend of mine who went back to Kenya on vacation told me how she went to Kenya and visited one of the new strip clubs that had come up. She told me how she saw a dude watching the mama dancing on the table for him, you see here when most peeps get a table dance; they will for the most part act like they are not that moved, now it was different with our Kenyan cat. The mama is dancing one the table and the dude had his face like 3 inches from the cooch. I doubt he was moonlighting as a gynaeo for the strippers but please you don't want to be that close, you don't know where that cooch has been. Sigh, Kenyans are in a class of their own I say.

The other day after issuing a disclaimer, this chica I talk to asked me how come many Africans don't wear deo. You see sometime back she used to work for some Nigerians and it seemed that many of the peeps who used to come around the joint used to subject her to noxious fumes. I also realised that you don't really notice the way that many folks especially everyday peeps on the street don't use deo much until you go back home on vacation or run across someone here who isn't using any deo at all. But of course this isn't to say that all Kenyans go around au naturale, most middle class Kenyans do use deo and other hygiene products but for the average Kenyan trying to survive on less than a $1 a day, smelling fresh is the least of your problems but on the other hand if you have made it to the States and have at least $2 you can get some roll on so I don't know about the peeps out here, they need to get their scent together.

I made a technical appearance at a Kenyan bash the other day. A well planned one at that, I was there for only 2 hours and it was a 10 min drive from home but noticed one thing that happens regularly. Why do Kenyans check into Kenyan bashes at around 1 am? It doesnt make sense to me especially if the club is closing at 3 am or 4 am, well I guess it's cheaper to get smashed at a pal's place and then go to the club and get completely plastered on one beer. I don't know how it works in other States and countries, please share.

Anyway the rivers of inspiration are running low, so I shall share these wonderful demotivational messages with you. View and get offended at your own risk









Government working just for you......