Jokes, Jugs and Other Things.........

I've never been so happy to have a week come to an end. This has been an interesting week to say the least. First things first,there have been this nude pics issue which I am going to post on in more detail further.

Anyway I also came to the realization once again that I have a somewhat geeky sense of humor; why do I say this? Well there is this popular site that I love to visit for the off-kilter humor that hadn't been updated for a while. So when the owner finally updated it, the bandwidth demand was enormous, one of the main reasons being Digg. As a result the page was loading slower than usual, so he posted this on the home page;

"Some pages may be loading slow today, site is experiencing Digg rape"

That line busted me up and I was laughing half the day. I shared it with a few people and they didn't understand the joke till I had to explain to them the whole concept of digg, page popularity and bandwidth. Nothing kills a joke like when you have to explain it from the ground up!

As I had said in my last post, this whole nude pics issue is leading to a mini-resurrection of many Kenyan forums. One forum had 30 something pages of people's e-mail addresses (I say we harvest them and sell them to spammers!) Is there anything wrong with taking nude pics? I say no! In fact I highly approve of them, (no not because of that you smut peddlers!) this is because for years Kenyan women have suffered under the crushing grip of the Kenyan patriarchy that for many generations has decided what women will wear, do and the roles they will play in society. But here are some women who decided to shrug off that crushing yoke and fight back with the one weapon they have at their disposal, their bodies! History will remember these women and so will many generations of future Kenyan women. I am at the forefront of this protest giving moral support and I will spread their work whenever I can! All that being said; this is another comment on one of those Kenyan forums that made my day;

Whoever has started this thread should be ashamed of themselves.

If you have distributed, solicited and received these pictures you are completely immoral, uncouth, shameless and totally silly.

How can such pictures even cause the resurrection of some members who have never been heard of for years?

Isn't this a good example of moral bankruptcy among the so called "leaders of tommorrow"?

You are all ghasia kabisa, takataka na mavi za kuku!!!

Having said that could you please send me the pictures, my email is xxxxxx@yahoo.com.


Last week I had one of those "God please let the ground open up and swallow me" days. You see at work there was this Kenyan chic who loves the job, she used to go on about it like it was the best job ever, you know those people who spout the company lines and such with fervour and enthusiasm? Yes that was her, it also didn't hurt that she also used to meet her goals and targets. I had nothing against her but I hated the company, so her fervour used to make my blood boil; so in the privacy of my own apartment I used to say nasty things about her once in a while to my small brother but at work I wouldn't say jack. So one day while I was seated at my desk, the chic came and said hi, we chatted a bit in swahili; she asked me what I thought of the job and all. Of course I was very diplomatic at this point and then she told me that she was going home in December for vacation, so if I wanted anything taken home she would do so for me; she then went on to give me her number and her e-mail address. Needless to say I wallowed in shame for the next few hours, that's the last time I'm talking smack about someone before I meet them and get to know them!


Reason #2145 Why Acolyte Is Going To Hell



Any other captions are welcome!


Anyway, have a good weekend people; I have an appointment to be cleaned out by my mechanic; please send all donations to my local Western Union Branch.......

Monday Moanings Part XI

Word on the net is that pictures of self styled Kenyan Diva Kaz are floating around the internet. No I have not seen them (a forward would be appreciated though) but I do hear they were tasteful pics (someone posted them online, holla at me for the link) she said they taken by someone she trusted or rather in her own words "loved" and for some reason or other chose to spray them all over the internet. I'm all for self expression and all that other good stuff but I wonder at times how come women let scandalous pics be taken of them in the first place and even worse to let other parties keep those pictures? I mean unless you also have explicit pics of your boyfriend what assurance do you have that if things go wrong that he won't share them with the rest of the world? Hmmmmmmm a thought just came to me, what if Kaz did this as a publicity stunt to keep her name in the lime light? The pics were being discussed on a popular Kenyan forum and I have never seen so many requests for a forward, the dude who cracked me up was the one who said, " please forward me those pics, they are for a school project." The other peeps who cracked me up are the ones who had this exchange on the same thread

Chic - I'm suspecting another guy in the office took those pics. Our wall is green and that wall is very green...
Dude - That's a bed in the "office"... Kwani you work in a brothel? If so whats the location?

Talk about 10-0. What was I trying to say? That's what I get for trying to blog while drinking a beer. Piece some meaning or useful lesson from that paragraph for me.

I was reading Mocha's blog the other day and she took issue with some commenter who took issue with her "dislike" of Nonini. So in the comments section someone posted this article by someone else who was taking issue with Kenyan music as a whole. Harsh as the article was I do agree with most of the author's points, the most ironic thing is that this dude is a pal of mine; we used to work together. Talk about an interesting way to run into people from way back when. On a bunny trail, I watched a music video of a song by Circuite (of Manyake fame), someone needs to take away his studio access: his videos suck and his music sucks even more!

And in closing, a long time ago the Acolyte used to watch WWF (not WWE) wrestling. Of course I knew wrestling was the last thing that was going on; just laughably bad scripting, steroid pumped wrestlers and silicone enhanced women. Anyway in the segment below Stone Cold Steve Austin and Booker T decide to go at it in a supermarket. If you aren't a wrestling fan don't bother watching the whole thing; the best part of it for me was mins 6:04 - 6:38. And people please don't try that at home or at your local supermarket! Nice Week people.........

Monday Moanings Part X

I was reading this article in the Pulse, and I came to two conclusions about Cess Mutungi. One, this girl really gets around; Two, she doesn't get around but someone at Standard hates her guts. I never did get to see her in action, so I can't give a first hand report but I have heard from some very reputable sources so it does seem that some of those accusations have some merit.
What irked me is the fact that I am sure that alot of male celebs get around as much even if not more so but there was hardly anything written about it. In fact the whole article was a bit thread bare if you ask me. But if there is one thing The Standard will never be accused of is World Class reporting.

Another Dumb Ass

Eric Gichaga Kariuki, 22 from XXXX XXXX in Sandy Springs, Georgia was arrested when he tried to pass a check at the "Ace Checks Cashed" store. The check was pitiful in nature, having been crudely altered using tape and so on. It was made to Kariuki for over $900. The actual owner of the check was called and, confirmed the forgery, and came to the location as did the cops. Kariuki said he got the check from an unknown man at XXXXX apartments. He was taken to XXXX jail.

My take on this? I know life in the States is hard but there are smarter ways of getting your hustle on. First of all, you don't want to pass a fake check and a check cashing establishment. Why? This is because this is the joint where they have seen every attempted scam and are always on the up and up; you are better of trying to pass a check at a Bank.
Second, when you cash a check you have to give picture ID. Unless you have made a fake ID, you will be busted, if not then it will be later.

Congratulations for doing your best to place us in the same books as the brodas, Kenyans are being mentioned in the media here for all the wrong reasons.

Quote Of The Week

"Your cleavage is distracting me every time I look in the mirror, and I can't concentrate on the traffic. If you don't sit somewhere else, I'm going to have to throw you off the bus"
A German Bus Driver, demanding in July that a 20 year old passenger in a low cut shirt move from his line of vision.

If that isn't dedication to your work then I don't know what is.

And in local news, time and again I have read, heard and experienced how the lack of expansion on Kenyan roads is leading to total grid lock. The question I ask, is the Government going to wait until Nairobi turns into a very large slow moving parking lot till something is done?

Anyway before I leave let me leave you all with a jewel. I recently discovered Goapele, if you are a fan of neo soul and R n B, you have to get hold of her music. To be frank it disgusts me how MTV and the other big record companies give such talented artistes so little air-time while giving other less talented musicians loads of air-time. Pathetic really.

Have a nice Monday all!

Ps: You know the world is small when you go for a Kenyatta day bash for Kenyans and you meet your ex-girlfriends best pal who you last saw like 6 years ago! Anyway time to get back to the grind.....

An Iconoclast Leaves Us, Long Walks and other things.....

I was reading the story of the life and times of the great Professor Toweett, and in many ways I admire and aspire to be like him. You see a pal of mine used to live near him and used to regal me with tales of his bohemian and eccentric lifestyle. You have to admire a man who chose to live his life how he wanted to live irregardless of what people say and thought and even in blatant disregard of tradition (how many Africans have you ever heard of bequeathing their bodies for research?) and pursued many seemingly aimless projects. This man broke with tradition in many areas and did what he wanted without giving a damn what people thought and I am sure that even if they didnt tell him to his face, many people respected him. That is the kind of inner strength I want to work towards, to be able to do what I want to do, how I want to do it irregardless of what role or expectation society has for me. The Prof may be gone but he will live on in the minds and hearts of many.

Moving on, don't ask me how this came to my head but how many of you remember the way cops in Kenya would go on patrol and would pick up "idlers" and if you had no cash to bribe you would be made to take a long long walk with them. Yes Udi I am looking at you! I remember a pal of mine told me her story. I don't know how many of you are familiar with South C, you see this chic used to live near the mosque and was outside the gate of the house talking to a guy pal in her bed clad (tracks and a t-shirt); when two cops on patrol walked by unexpectedly. After the usual niceties the two of them were asked to identify themselves and when they couldn't they were asked, nay told to join the rest of the walkers. Lets just say the two of them were finally let go a few yards away from the Nyayo stadium police station. I had some other pals who were busted near Gill House and were made to walk with the cops for a few hours, the cops wanted to leave them huko OTC, and it was past mid night; they refused and kept on walking with the cops till they got to a safer part of town. Lucky for me I have never been taken on long walks down desolate city streets, have you.

After getting really homesick, I decided to have some furniture and other things imported for my apartment. Please take a look at chez Aco below......




After a long day at work the Acolyte came home to relax to familiar settings, tea, bread and a week old newspaper flown in just for him

Have a nice day and send me something to add ambiance to my apartment!

Monday Moanings Part IX

I think alongside the annual state of prostitution in Kenya article, the "life is hard abroad" article is also making an at least annual appearance in Kenyan media. This time round The Standard took a shot at telling people the hard reality of life in the States. But the sad thing is that as the article prophesied is that people never ever listen, the saddest/funniest ones are the ones who throw bashes and sell their stuff before they go to the Embassy. I once knew some two sisters who thought the sun revolved around them, they loudly announced they were going to the States and even threw a ginormus bash before going to the Embassy. Needless to say they were both denied and came back with their tales between their legs, I think they opted for a country with less stringent visa regulations but it was a lesson to all of us.

In an ideal world Kenyans shouldn't have to use the States as an escape from the harsh realities of our present existence but what to do? Life is hard for Americans too, but the people who piss me off are the ones who go back home on vacation and make it look like they shop on Rodeo Drive and live in High Rise Condominiums. I say keep it real, if you have to stand on your feet for 8 hours in Walmart then be honest about it, instead of creating false dreams for others. But this isn't to say that it isn't possible to make it in the States, it can be done but it is often a long hard and lonely road.

Anyway moving onto less depressing topics but still depressing. I am sick and tired of hearing and seeing Britney Spears on every other channel on cable. Yes she is going to her trailer park roots and slowly self destructing, but enough already. Like a cat that has been hit by a car, let's let her drag herself into the bushes and expire with some dignity. Damn celebrity obsessed country!

I don't know if you are all aware of this but do you know that VH1, MTV and BET are all owned by VIACOM, not to forget they also own Comedy Central. I think it is pathetic that one company can have so much power over the direction that music takes. They are a perfect example of capitalism being allowed to run amok. It is no surprise that BET's pathetic offerings went from bad to worse when VIACOM took over. Call me a hater but the less small independant media houses we have the less choice viewers and listeners have, I mean unless you have the expanded MTV on Cable when was the last time you saw more than 10 music videos in a row on MTV instead of all the tepid reality TV shows they give us? Another fantastic reason not to have cable..........

I have been reading the last few issues of Nation's Buzz Magazine and it seems that the mark of having made it as a model is getting a white boyfriend/ girlfriend. Kenyans never cease to amaze me, but I guess it is a symbiotic relationship on both sides, the models get to enjoy the nicer things in life that the white folks money can buy while the white folks who probably weren't hot numbers back home now get to have some of the hottest bods for themselves.

Next weekend I have decided that I am going to visit one of the Kenyan churches that are near where I live. I was supposed to go to one this weekend but I decided to sleep in and gave it a miss, and I have no excuse at all because it was an afternoon service. Trying to connect with people by going to the club is a waste of time, so let's see if going during the day helps granted half of the people in the club might be there but what the heck! That reminds me, I caught up with one of my old uni mates recently, the dude is all the way in Chi-town and when he heard that I live in the ATL area he was quick to tell me that he was going to come and stay with me over Thanksgiving. Kenyans have some gall I tell you, they can buy air-tickets for hundreds of dollars, rent cars, buy new outfits, spend hundreds on booze and entrance to events but they would rather pile up 10 people in an apartment instead of paying around $50 per night for a motel. Cheap bastards! Just wait till November comes, the Acolyte is going AWOL!

Ps: If there are any of you that have blogs on or supported by the Wordpress engine for some reason or other I can't comment on those blogs at all. So don't think I dont read your blog, I do comment and nothing at all appears on the other side, I think the god of Wordpress hates me. Oh well, have a good week people....