Friday, September 19, 2008

Dear Naomi and Other Things......



Dear Naomi Campbell,
I have admired your work as a super model for many years and your volatile character has always provided many interesting incidents that have kept me entertained but I also recall that in the past you admit that you did abuse drugs like cocaine but you have now conquered the habit. Well Naomi, the mind is a powerful thing in that it can rationalize anything. I watched the commercial above where after you drank some Sobe Life Water while you were on the beach and all of a sudden some lizards on the beach began to play music for you and dance; this was especially after one lizard managed to catch a drop of your water with it's tongue.
As a reasonably educated man I have learnt not to discount anything without research, it is that in mind using 3 other different individuals as test and control subjects, I attempted to replicated the phenomena in an environment as identical to where your incident occurred. Despite our concerted attempts at no time whatsoever did any lizards on the beach attempt to drink some of our water, in fact they scurried away when we attempted to offer them some, the ones that did not scurry away did not play miniature musical instruments or dance for us. After running different scenarios, accounting for the implausibility of lizards playing instruments/dancing, the non-existance of the sub-species of lizard in your commercial, and studying the data we collected; I came to one shattering conclusion.

You are still on drugs!!! I know that may be hard to believe Naomi, but admitting you have a problem is the first step to solving a problem. I would like you to know that I am here for you. The expensive rehab facilities you are accustomed to are obviously not the solution, it is that in mind that I welcome you to convalesce in my apartment. I will gladly accept half of what you pay the rehab facilities since I am not in this for the money but out of concern and empathy. I look forward to your reply.

Your Dear Friend,
The Acolyte


In other news, anyone familiar with US tv knows that it's packed with reality tv shows. So anyway Diddy aka P.Diddy or whatever else he calls himself has a show called "I want to work for Diddy", it's like the apprentice in that all the competitors compete in different challenges with the ultimate prize being to work for Diddy. So anyway there is the story of this chica, who used to work in the entertainment industry and had a figure and a half but after lots of dudes tried to sleep with her she decided to gain weight to fend them off (so she says) read the story here. But the joke was on her when she said this in a later interview:

Lots of women are constantly approached and harassed by men sexually in business, in the music business it’s rampant. So yes, I really thought after over 10 years of dealing with that crap, that I could make myself sexually unattractive to men and then they would listen to me rather than look at me. It was maddddd stupid, I ruined a pretty damn good figure, but sometimes when you’re desperate you make dumb decisions. Now I attract men who like big girls, and jerks in the business are still jerks. Hey, you live and you learn. VH1 Blog

Ladies let me tell you one thing. No matter what you do to yourself there is a man out there who will still sleep with you, heck there are men out there who will sniff out and try to sleep with anything that has vagina. So the only thing that mama did was mess up her health. I guess ya'll have different coping mechanisms.

Anyway don't drink too much Sobe Life Water and have a nice weekend.........

7 comments:

ndungu said...

Nice letter to the model, lets pray she solves her problem...

e said...

that ad is way off the mark! it has succeeded in creeping me out though, i hate reptiles of all forms. all icould think of was kill kill kill!

Prousette said...

Gaining weight so the lecherous ones do not bother you. Not very clever!

Nubian Queen said...

Haa Aco u might wanna rethink your letter unless u want a black eye courtesy of the "eye phone" Ms. Campbell does need some serious help tho'.
Homegirl was jost eatin to much church's i mean seriously there is no way someone gains weight voluntarily unless to play a movie part...she needs to stop!

Nzembi said...

Totally agree with Nubian queen! She better quit that. Nice letter though..
Btw first time around here..lemmi make my way to the archives...

Mwangi said...

I actually know a woman who did that. She wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed though and was prone to melodrama.

But she appears to be very happy with her current beau.

One thing about her is that her current beau is waaayyy below what I think she could get, actually a lot of African women fall into this category, and right now she is large enough to eat her old self three times over so in short I really don't get her.

KK said...

Nice letter dude... we all know you are not in it for the money...LOL!