Thursday, November 15, 2007

Another Acolyte Tale

I came to the sad realization that it has been a minute since I told an Acolyte tale. After reading some cracking tales online I decided I have to share before the tale gets covered by the sands of time.

Long long ago, in a land far away. The Acolyte and his college cronies (or should I say henchmen?) used to enjoy this "wonderful" drink.

This firewater was a blessing in many ways to broke college students such as ourselves. Where as a bottle of Smirnoff Vodka the same size would only be good for 3 people like Jesus bread this bottle would cater to twice that number and cost 3 times less! Add to the fact that on a cold night it would slide down your throat like lava down a South American hill, live a virgin's leg your throat would at first be tight and want to close but on realizing the impending pleasure it would open gradually but surely.

Now to the disadvantages of this tempestuous love affair we had, you see first of all with the cane products the high was unpredictable. I once recall a friend of mine moving from discussing current affairs while enjoying a buzz to changing into a gibbering mess rambling about devil worshippers and the 20 shilling note. I am sure that many seasoned drinkers are also aware that cheap liqour more often than note reverses the laws of gravity, in that what goes down must go up! So what would happen is that after drinking 1/4 or more of a 750 ml it was inevitable that once in a while the cane would clash with whatever was in your stomach and proceed to empty the premises, so there would be only one exit; the mouth (at least in most cases). But there would be one problem, as the contents of the stomach would move up they would reach somewhere around the solar plexus area and decide, "No! We are not leaving!"
and turn back. As a result I once recall being held up as we waited for almost 10 minutes as a pal heaved noxious cane fumes, when he finally managed to regurgitate a baby's hand worth of puke; he was hoisted on the mob's shoulders as if he had won the Nairobi Marathon.
There were also the hangovers that made you feel like a truck had ran over and in your head, your tongue was made of sand paper and every noise felt like nails on a chalk board but there was one thing that made me divorce the drink once and for all.........

The memory loss!!!!!! Yes that was the worst part, Safari Cane taught me how to empathize with people who were kidnapped by UFOs. I too now know how it feels to wake up in your bed, aching and bruising with no idea how you got there in addition to having lost a chunk of time. The incident that made me go cold turkey was an interesting one.

You see one weekend my Uncle was home for Summer (yes the infamous Summer Bunnies of way back when) so we were with some pals and he decided to treat us, and the idiots that we were with my pals instead of asking for the expensive good stuff we decided to opt for our usual poison. So we drank a total of two bottles in between 6 people and off to Electric Avenue aka Westlands. I recall functioning perfectly for the first half of the night and I even recall at one point in the night a pal came and told me how a pal of his had thrown up on his shirt so in my Safari influenced stupor I literally gave him the shirt off my back, so the Acolyte was left wearing a Chicago White Sox jacket with nothing on the inside but when you have Safari in you, you don't feel the cold.
My last memory was later leaving the bar and finding two dudes I knew squaring off to fight, I recall walking in between both parties and beseeching them not to fight. My next memory was getting up in bed just fine with no bruises whatsoever but with the usual killer hangover.

I knew something was amiss when I was talking to my Uncle the next day and he was like, " I see someone has been playing Streetfighter," and walked away laughing. I didn't even know what he was talking about and dismissed him. Later on in the day I was walking in the neighbourhood and this dude whom I didn't talk to much comes up to me and says, " Jamaa you are harsh, I saw how you wekad those 2 dudes!" I was still in denial and shrugged off his misplaced admiration, but like the Biblical Peter the cock crowed when my small sis came home and told me, " I met a pal of mine who said you know how to kick ass!"

After that day as my pal's happily destroyed their livers and their brains, I opted for Beer or soda.
Lesson of The Day? - Cheap liquor destroys short term memory and.....damn I forgot!

Monday, November 12, 2007

Monday Moanings Part XII

Yesterday I was in what I like to call ICU, no there is nothing wrong with me nor have I been in an accident. But I was in one of those conditions where the only thing I'm good for is laying in my bed like an ICU patient. You see I decided to go shopping for gyms last week, so in American fashion before telling you how much they are going to ass rape you for 24-36 months they ask you to come in for a free session. With the first gym I went to on Friday evening, just after I get changed I was told that I would be charged a $20 equipment fee for that class but if I decided to enrol that would go to my enrollment fee. Needless to say I wasn't pleased, plus even though they had nice stuff the gym itself wasnt much to write home about. So after the 2 hour session ( during which I found out how unfit I was ) the dude breaks out the cost for me and needless to say I smiled told him I would think about it and didn't look back, because this place isn't like Kenya; everyone wants to lock you down for 2 years at least.
So the next day I had signed up for a session at another gym (one that I had postponed twice in a row), this place is one of those franchises so their facilities were top notch. I did my free session (which rocked) and when it came to the costs, you know how people are here. They don't tell you up front, they try and butter you up by telling all the wonderful things their gym has and all that kinda ish. So I ask the dude to hit me with it, and he has two plans, one for 24 months and the other for 36 months. So as it goes with the 36 month plan is like $10 per month cheaper but I wasn't having none of that. You see other than my cell phone contract, I only sign up for one year contracts; nutting else! So I ask him if there is a one year contract available which is also cheaper per month, he tells me yes but only for students. Well guess what? Since the Acolyte always walks around with his student I.D, he's a student! So I signed up my soul for one year and one year only.
Anyway back to ICU by Saturday afternoon my legs were feeling like they were made of rubber and the rest of me was really run down but guess what, the rest of the fam wanted to hang out so they decided we go for an Ice Hockey game. Yes an Ice Hockey game, I think it was the curiosity and the cheap tickets that motivated them. Ice Hockey games aren't all that interesting, yes there is the fast pace of the game and the slamming of players into the walls but other than that I dont see much else to go back to see a game for. Oh and I did learn that all the Georgia teams suck because the ice hockey team lost the game.
Anyway word of the day is that if you haven't been to the gym for sometime, please don't go 2 days in a row!

Wahu decided to release the third (maybe 4th) track from her constantly upcoming album (okay for real I dont even think she has an album coming despite what she says). I know this is going to make some of you mad but after listening to her new track, I felt like someone had taken a large dump in my ears. The song was rubbish, no progress at all from her last track and instantly forgettable. Why some people bother going to the studio I don't even know.

I have also realized that some local Kenyan personalities have their stans. Do you know I still get comments on this post, many of them telling me to leave Lillian Muli alone same case with the latest post about Kaz and her pics. Damn ya'll are cracking me up, do you all have posters and newspaper cut outs of her plastered all over your walls?

Stans aside, this comment below from one of my favorite Liverpool FC fan sites made my day. It's amazing how the dude wove a life event round a game......

"Rotation Rotation Rotation. Rafa cant win. some people are still bitching and whinging that the same team that beat besiktas shouldnt have started against fulham. “why didnt kewell start” “why wasnt riise benched”, blah blah blah! I think some people just like to argue no matter what happens.

i really dont see a massive problem with rotation. Bringing players on as subsititutes is a form of rotation. the same 11 players dont finish the games that started the game when a sub is bought on. the same 3 substitutes are rarely bought on every game, so why isnt that considered rotation???

i thought game was descent. one word descibes it for me, Clinical. we never really got out of second gear and we never really needed too. i think the game plan was the same as the blackburn match, but this time we had abit of luck on our side and didnt have freidel pulling saving out of his arse..although having said that, niemi came up with a good few saves.

ive been thinking for a while and decided on saturday that i was going to break up with my girlfriend on sunday or monday, but as we got into bed last night at about 4am (saturday night/sunday morning)after a boozy night, she asked me “do you still want to be with me”…i suddenly thought that the liverpool game was about to kick off and seeming as i was gonna do it anyway, i might as well do it now and then catch the game. so i told her i didnt think things between us were working anymore, and off i staggered home to watch my one true love, Liverpool FC. I feel like a right prick for doing that, but as i say, at least i got to catch the game. this is the 2nd LFC related breakup ive had over the years.

anyways, im off for a kip. been a long night."

Otherwise I think I have said more than enough today. Happy Monday people!