Friday, November 24, 2006

Look in the Air, Its it a Bird? A Plane? No it's.........

Captain Save A Hoe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ladies you know the drill, please exit here, Thank you!

I know you're still here, this is the way out!

Now back to the post gentlemen. For those of you who don't know who or what Captain Save A Hoe is; here is the definition. Here is the song if you want to listen to it. And no I am not calling women hoes, let's clear that up here and now before someone starts moaning about it in the comments section.

Now let's be honest most of us men have all been a Captain Save A Hoe at one time in our lives. This is because for me the title extends further then just a dude who wastes his money and time on an ungrateful woman but one who tries to save a woman from her trials and tribulations many of which are self inflicted.

Most normal red blooded men are driven by the desire to be needed, and this is often our downfall. Nothing makes us feel as manly as when we solve problems, fix things and make things better, when we can't it eats us up inside. This has often led to the downfall of many a man when you throw a woman in the equation.

Do you know one thing most grown men fear? A crying baby. Why is this? Well babies are no respecters of persons; it doesn't matter if you have a mensa level IQ, 28 inch biceps, the wealth of all the fortune 500 companies combined, the fighting skills of several Kung fu masters and the attitude of Jack Bauer. The baby will continue to cry until it gets what it wants or something close to it in spite of whatever else you may try. It is said that women have the memory of elephants so I think they remember this when they pull the tears card, that often works for them; unless they are dealing with a total beast.

Anyway let me get off that bunny trail. While women try to change men, men try to solve all a woman's problems, die trying or give up. That is another reason why many of these "independant" women can't get a man to save their lives, because men look at them and no there is no need for them in this woman's life. But there are women who are on the other side, they have problem after problem after problem. In many of their cases self inflicted.

So you end up with a scenario where a dude hooks up with a chic thinking everything is fine and dandy with her, but overtime the cracks emerge in her facade. The dude being the true man he is volunteers to help her out of her quandry. He puts his heart and soul into it but it turns out that the girl isn't ready to come out of the pit she fell or jumped into, dude tries time and again but fails. Dude is ready to give up, he calls girl and tells her that they have to talk. Girl knows what may be coming and gives dude sob story about how much better her life is with him, how she won't be able to go on with out him yada yada yada; and to cap it off she bursts into tears. Dude feels guilty and stays, tries to help the girl fix her problems; nothing doing. He still wants to leave so a cycle starts, to break the cycle he either leaves irregardless of how he feels or he gets another chic on the side.

This isn't how it always goes but I think a time comes when we as men need to know that we can't fix everyone and their problems. We shouldn't let it make us feel guilty especially if we gave our best, a time comes when you just have to walk away. It's hard but you can't carry a load forever, and yes I know it is much harder then it sounds. If it is too hard you can always sneak out of town with your mattress over your head, belongings in a box, cape tucked in and clothes in a bag!

Moving on, I think Damon Wayans is an idiot. Read this and I am sure you will agree.

Anyway the weekend is upon us, I may actually decide to come out of my seclusion and go for one of the many Kenyan Thanksgiving bashes. Bon weekend!

Thursday, November 23, 2006

More Weight Tales and Other Things

2 or so posts back I embedded a video of some big mamas getting their groove on. Well yesterday I experienced first hand the aging effect extra pounds have on people. You see last week my sister went for a friend's bacholerette weekend in New Jersey with some of her old school pals and showed me the pictures. I took a look at some of the pictures and could recognize some of her old friends but there was one bigger, older looking lady in most of the pics.

So I ask my sis, "Is that your friend's auntie or something?" My sister looked at me like I had committed a sacriligous crime of sorts and then said, "Aco you're such a bitch! Don't you know who that is?"

It is at that point I peered closer at the picture and realised that it was one of her friends who used to come over to our house when we lived in Kenya. I remember her as person whom it took 3 black outs to learn that you eat before you go and catch pints and not afterwards! Point is that pounds add years to your looks (not to mention reduce your lifespan). So eat carefully!

Thanksgiving is here, I don't know what all the pomp and circumstance is; because if I was native-american I would remember this as the day things went downhill. A teacher in the States is teaching about the day from the native american point of view and not everyone is happy.

Moving on, do you ever watch roasts? Well one funny part of them is where the guests take pot shots at each other. Well Jamie Foxx was hosting one and after a guest took potshots at him, Jamie totally destroyed him! Take a look! If you love me, please don't throw a roast for me!

To those of you in the States, Happy Thanksgiving! To those in Kenya, get back to work!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Kenyans and Insults + Thank you.....

I recall a long time ago making a comment as my alter ego about the the then tendancy of many bloggers to blindly go with the flow to "seal clapping," and the major ramifications that I didn't expect.

It is during the drama that followed I think Rista mentioned that in many ways I am a quintessential Kenyan because of my insult and the way I shrugged it off as something minor,
despite the damage it did to some people's egos. But she did have a point. We Kenyans by nature are a curt people.

Have you ever been in a Kenyan matatu and listened to how the touts talk to passengers, how the driver talks to other drivers on the road? We tend to be very gruff in the way we relate to each other as a people. It goes all the way to the top, Kibaki with his "wapumbavu" , the 1st
Lady referring to ODM politicians as not having parents or something of the sort and who can forget Moi using unprintables as the press called them to refer to his cabinet.

I remember I had this group of pals I used to hang out with in uni that had both guys and chics, when someone was acting the fool we would call them a langa (prostitute). So once we were part of a conference and there were some students from Uganda who were hanging out with us. One chic was acting up and one of the dudes told her that she was being a langa. The Ugandan student asked us what that word meant and when we told her, she was shocked. For us it was nothing to write about because that was the way we were used to talking to each other.

There was this other time when I was sitting in a matatu and a friend came to sit next to me. In typical guy fashion I had my legs wide open occupying half the seat, he looked at me and said; "kwani you're pregnant? Ebu close your legs!" I looked at him, laughed and complied.

Of course this does not mean that I am justifying going around hurling insults at strangers but I think what I have made is a poignant observation about Kenyans. I think we are among the few people who go around hurling insults at friends and enemies and let them gauge the expression on our faces to tell the difference.

Moving on, if you look at the link bar of my blog you will notice a new list of links entitled "the best of the Acolyte" It is still not yet finished but what I have been doing is going through my posts of the last 2 years and putting up the best posts.

I have to be honest about one thing. My blog sucked! From 2004 to mid 2005 it sucked so bad that I should take that part out and sell it as an industrial vacuum cleaner. But thanks to Nick, Milo, Msanii, Nick and other regular visitors who gave me support and motivation I carried on and got better with time.

I also noticed many changes. I actually used to make a stab at serious blogging way back when! There is also a large amount of soccer blogging there, one would think that I am no longer a fan. In my opinion my blogging got better as soon as discovered a style and topics I liked blogging about.
Once again to those of you who used to read my blog, to those of you who are still reading it I would like to say Asante Sana!
Ps: This the height of irony, insults and gratitude in the same post!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Rumours, Celebs and Wikipedia

One thing that I love about many of my fellow Kenyans is their zeal for spreading unfounded rumours and here say. I am sure some of you have met someone who has defended a rumour like his life depended on it, or like she was at the scene.

I recall once being in a bar in Nairobi West and the topic of the moment was politics. So for some reason I remembered that Sheikh Khalid Balala (no relation to the former Mombasa mayor) had not been in the public eye for a very long time after his troubles during the Moi regime and asked what happened to him. That is when an older man at our table looked at me rather incredulously and said, "Balala was raped in prison on the President's orders! That is why he has hidden and shut up!" Now when someone tells you something like that with that amount of conviction what can you say? I think we all remember the Laura Irungu sex pics. Without a shadow of a doubt people had said it was her and even went out of their way to spread the pics. A keen study of some of the pics would have shown some discrepancies, which I noticed; but most people just ran with the story.

Like most Kenyans I do love a juicy story but only when it is true. It does little good to peddle falsehoods because sooner or later Karma will ensure that you are made subject of one. So like the good journalist I was trained to be, I make sure there are at least 2 reputable sources then I may consider sharing the story and that the story isn't as ludicrous as most out there, if not it stays under wraps!

Moving on,I am not a big fan of celeb news but there are some thing I have to talk about once in a while; if you have been following hip-hop news you do know that Nelly is dating Ashanti. What I always wonder is that in every picture Nelly always looks bored as hell. Is he trying to tell us something?

Nelly: Yawn!

Is it me or does that Britney's top look like it will give up under the pressure of holding up her "assets"?

Britney -" I'm free from K-fed! Now to find a real man!"

I have a wikipedia account and I do edit some of the Kenya pages when I can. I got really pissed off lately because of some anal administrator. It took me three attempts to put in Ukoo Fulani among the list of popular Kenyan artistes. Some muppet kept on taking it out, the last time I put it back in I added a sharp note with my edit description (and yes I had followed the correct format rules). So they took a hint and let it stay.
But what made me know that the administrator of that page or moment was really anal is when it took 2 edits and a sharp note for this change.The most recent effort is the Unilever sponsored "Sunlight quest for Kenya's National Dress" to The most recent effort was the Unilever sponsored "Sunlight quest for Kenya's National Dress" It took 2 edits to change one word because as far as I know the Sunlight quest is over and it failed.
Anyway you have to get used to such people, that's life.

Monday, November 20, 2006

My Confession, Dildos, Car Wrecks and A New Champ...

I have a confession to make. I am a member of a dating site (Phew! It was good to get that off my chest). What's worse is that I am not a member of the website so I can get a piece of ass from a girl who is;

a) Has the mileage of 20 year old Greyhound bus.
b) Has so much baggage that you could call her Samsonite.
c) Has the social interaction skills of a stone.
d) Wants to put her wild past behind her and settle with a man who doesn't know about it, and if she has her way never will.
e) Is a nice girl who has just had bad luck with men.

No getting laid isn't part of the agenda at all. I just enjoy reading some of the profiles and I also have this Nick-like fascination with looking at the pictures people put on their profiles. It's amazing how some peoples' descriptions of themselves and their pictures don't match at all! Add to this the ladies who have some scandalous (for lack of words to describe them) pics. The kind that you look at and the last thing that crosses my mind is both of our hearts becoming one. Good times! ™ Movie Buff.

I was going through some of my old posts and I came across this jewel and I think it is still pertinent today! Listen up ladies!

"Me and my roommate both use a dildo when we aren't having regular sex with a guy. When they get all nasty after a while, we just toss them in the dishwasher. Well, the other day my parents came over and when they saw the dildos in the dishwasher, they refused to have anything to eat or drink. Are they just being paranoid or what?" - Fiona, Little Neck, NY
Fiona,Even if you do clean your "toys" by putting them in the dishwasher, there is something off-putting about knowing that your cups and saucers are being cleaned along with a dildo. How difficult is it just to clean it separately? Do you keep your dildo in the same drawer with your knives and forks? Try and keep your toys a little less visible and you'll have less difficulty with other people.
KBW ladies please take this advice to heart.Never forget that Aco cares for you......

Have you ever been at the site of a car wreck and all the gore that accompanies it? Did you find yourself looking even though you knew you would be disgusted or repelled by what you saw? That is how I felt about the clip below.

I am going to break man code and ask the guys openly, if you had a fatal disease whose only cure was to have sex and only the chics in the video were available; which one would you hit? Feel free to be anonymous when you answer, he he he!

In other news, it seems that Matt Hughes is no longer the UFC Welterweight Champion after his defeat to George St Pierre. I will admit that against weaker opposition Matt would give one hell of a show but against more experienced fighters; his fights were not much to watch. But enough of that seeing as there aren't too many Kenyan bloggers who like the UFC as much as I do. It also shames me that I weigh almost as much as those fighters do but I look nothing like them when I take off my shirt. No, I do not have a one pack and man boobs but I'm still some ways off compared to those dudes. I guess that will be one of my new year's resolutions. To get back in serious training.
Have a nice Monday!