Saturday, April 08, 2006

Rated M for Man-time!

This post is for the guys out there.It's time for The Acolyte to share some advice with the brothers.So ladies thanks for coming by please detour through here.Thank you!
Anyway to the few KBW men out there.It has come to my notice that there is a small carnal drought going on.I on the other hand have set myself aside from the mating game for spiritual reasons but I know that is not the case for most of you except maybe Joe (I can mention your name here right?)
Anyway I have noticed that when many men want to get some, they go to clubs.I mean it sounds good in theory; many women, fewer men (not all the time though), gals in skimpy clothes, alcohol, enclosed spaces.Looks great doesn't it!All those gals to choose from so you have a chance of getting some right?Well I am going to tell you one thing, looking to get laid in clubs is a waste of your time and money.Go to clubs to hang with the boys, listen to music and drink; and leave it at that.The minute you go their with the sole aim of getting laid you are already 1,000 man points down and going to waste valuable man-hours and maney!Let me school you boys about why it's a losing proposition.
1.The Girl Game! - This is a game that girls love to play esp in the club.Once you agree to play, you have been owned!First things first most guys go to the club to get laid while girls go the club with their gals to dance,hang out and play the girl game.This starts by a girl going to a club (looking hot) with her girls.Women love clubs because they hold all the cards their, it's their turf and not yours.Anyway back to the game

-Gal sees a guy checking her out :1 point
-Gal sees a cute guy checking her out: 2 points
-Gal sees a guy she was checking out looking at her: 3 points
-The cute guy asks her to dance: 4 points
-Gal confirms that the guy wants her because he is touching her: 5 points
-Gal sees her gal's boyfriend checking her out: 5 points
-Gal is offered drinks by guys: 4 points

The more points a gal can get in one night the better she feels, she doesn't have to give anything up as there are many suckers in the club willing to stroke her ego for nothing!The problem is that the more points she scores, the harder it gets for you to hook up!So after you get into the game she has like 17 points over you and will pass you over for a harder challenge.So to stand any chance in the club you have to refuse to play the game.But this won't do you much good because of point number 2.
2.Competition! - Who likes compe?I don't!Do you?You can beat the competition if your game is good enough but who wants to have to do that if you don't have to.
By the time you get to the club, the gal has been approached by so many guys that her points are through the roof.So this makes things harder for you even if she likes you.
She has spent hours getting dressed and is feeling all that.So she thinks she is all that and this puts and extra burden on you to impress her.Who needs that extra work?
She is probably with her gals at the club playing the girl game.She may have gone home with you if she was alone but as long as she is with the gal that isn't happening as she doesn't want her gals to judge her.So if you are lucky for all your work you may get her number.
The Mother Hen.This is that irritating gal who will not leave you alone with the gal for 5 minutes.She will always be there pulling her away to dance,take her to the loos,make laps of honor and when you try to tell gal that you will take her home, you will here the dreaded line; "We came together so we are leaving together!".
The club is filled with other people who can kill your game.Many of them have game and some don't.But all of them are a distraction and some gals think they can have them all.
3. Perceptions - Girls have an instinctive distrust of guys they meet in the club.Their mothers and gal pals have warned them that men in the club are only after one thing.So now the burden on you is to prove that you are not one of those guys (even if you are!).Every girl has had that one night stand from the club that never called back.
4.Environment - Clubs are noisy,cramped and chaotic.It's hard to get a good flow going in one.It's hard for you to display your best qualities here, you're just like every other guy fishing in a pool of mud.
Fact is that girls are alot easier to get with when you meet them somewhere else other then clubs.Away from a club a gal's guard is down and even very "hot" girls will give you a whole lot more time then they would in a club.Girl's also tend to dress more casually when they aren't in clubs so the fact that you are talking to them makes them think that their looks are not the first thing on your mind.Open up your minds men!There are loads of women elsewhere and most of the fruitful pursuits I have had did not start in the club.So take this to heart and get busy!
Thanks to Kenyangal I too have began reading books which are "The Rules" version for men!Have a man-tastic weekend!

Friday, April 07, 2006

10 reasons part 2

I just past by girl next door's blog (one of my all time faves) and saw that she had done a post about 10 reasons she would like to be a man.Much as I feel mantastic about being a man I am going to put down 10 reasons why it rocks being a woman!
1.Multiple orgasms
2.Women can cry and still look strong
3.Make up!Any plain woman can make herself a princess but as for us; if you are whack, you are whack!No make up for you (unless you are an actor/tv star or drag queen!)
4.Men do all sorts of things for you ie carry your shopping,change your tyres coz they think you shouldn't have to.
5.Men buying you gifts and stuff to get your attention and affection (no-one buys us men jack!)
6.You can play with children and not look like a child molestor
7.You can be emotional and rip into people and it will be written off as time of the month (try that as a man and see the flack you will get!)
8.You don't have to be macho as a woman
9.You can be a gold digger or high maintenance and not everyone will hold it against you (try selling yourself as a jigaloo as a man it's a no win situation!)
10.You don't have to chase after men, they come running and you have your pick!

So ladies before you complain you don't know how good you have it!Besides that's just the tip of the ice berg!There are loads more reasons!Have a good weekend people!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Good luck with that Madam Ngilu

From the East African Standard

Ngilu alarmed by homosexual cases

By Mathias Ringa and Mathias Ringa

Health minister Charity Ngilu yesterday said she would table the issue of homosexuality among Coastal youths before the Cabinet.

Ngilu termed the situation serious, adding that the matter must be handled at the Cabinet level.

Speaking in Mombasa during a leaders meeting, Ngilu said she was shocked by revelations that homosexuality among teenagers was rampant in Coastal towns.

"I did not know that homosexuality and sodomy were rampant among our youths in the Coast. This is a very sad thing. I will table the matter before the Cabinet so that we can find ways of ending this shameful menace," she said.

"What does the future hold for our children if some of them indulge in homosexuality and sodomy?" she asked.

She said homosexuality was illegal in Kenya.

"We cannot allow sex between man and man. Men should have sexual relationships with women only," she said.

She urged the provincial administration to crack down on tycoons who, she said, lured youths into homosexuality. Coast General Hospital chief administrator, Dr Khadija Shikelly, said schFoolgirls engaged in anal sex to avoid getting pregnant.

"There is need for parents to educate their children on the dangers of this vice," she said.

National Heritage minister, Suleiman Shakombo, said some girls engaged in the vice to preserve their virginity.

"This is due to some traditions that teach girls that they must be virgins when they get married," he said.

Elsewhere, Reproductive Health organisation’s deputy director, Dr Josephine Kibaru, has decried the rise in cases of HIV/Aids among youths.

Kibaru said studies by the Health ministry had shown that children aged between 14 and 15 were sexually active. She made the remarks at the Coast Provincial Commissioner’s office during a meeting, which focused on adolescents.

You all know what I'm going to say so for once I won't talk.What do you think about what she has said and what could/should or shouldn't be done?As we used to say, the floor is yours....

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Jobs for those born in Acolyte Month!

To help you know more about Acolyte month, I am going to examine an article that talks about the best careers for people born during this month.
Top Ten Careers for Aries
(March 20 - April 18)
By the Astrocenter Team

Aries are well suited to any career in which leadership, energy, and determination are important. Of all the signs of the Zodiac, Aries is probably the biggest go-getter and the most motivated employee. (Depends on the job and how much they are paying me!)

Aries aren't known to be patient and tactful and aren't temperamentally suited to life in the secretarial pool or accounts payable. Rams tend to choose careers that are exciting and involve an element of risk. One of the most ambitious signs, they do not want to wait for success. Decisive, assertive steps bring them to their goals.( Yup that's me!)

Aries need to have a lot of freedom, an outlet for their passions, and the assurance of a boost to their ego. Aries is opinionated and can easily overpower other staff. They are great at flying by the seat of their pants. Perservering Aries will not give up their goals and will see things through to the bitter end.(opinionated - yes, persevering - yes, needs freedom - yes!)

Read on to see which careers are best suited to fiery Aries!

Olympic Athlete:
This path requires dogged determination, vitality, and competitiveness of Herculean proportions. The ordinary person would not put in the hours, endure the stress, suffer the injuries and get up that early in the morning. This "win at all costs" attitude is what will make or break them. If they make it to the top they can expect great success, but if they don't it will be spectacular failure. Either way, they are most passionate and committed.(I can see myself on the podium with a gold medal already!)

Personal Trainer:
Aries is the perfect individual to be on the case of an overweight, out-of-shape, gym newbie, just like a dog at dinner. As obnoxious as Aries is in real life, they can get paid big bucks to be pushy and bossy in this setting. Depending on the results of their client they can be a hero or a real pain in the rear (literally). The qualities that Aries bring to this job are a love of competitiveness, a penchant for pushing, and an enormous capacity to take control and inspire clients to success.
(That and the fact that I just don't like lazy fatties!)
Aries love to fight, get in your face, and be in control. For those reasons, they are quite suited to breaking up fights, tossing people out on the street, and looking impenetrable. To train for the job, they must bulk up with weights, drink a lot of protein shakes and practice standing with their arms crossed, looking mean. If they work in a really nice place, they may have to have some fashion sense to screen out losers. Aries' affinity for really loud music and boisterous patrons will come in handy.
(4 days in the gym per week and a love for martial arts?All I need is an extra 50 pounds and I can do this!I can see myself tossing Nick,Milo,
Prison Warden:
For this job, Aries has to be immune to the plight of others, have a God complex, and be capable of leading a diverse group of people. Aries is quite suited to this rough environment and a position of power within it. They are tough, feisty individuals who don't take any guff off anyone. When faced with a riot, they are not daunted and a rush of adrenaline takes over. They may have to watch their blood pressure and take anger management courses, but other than that they'll fit right in.
(Kick ass now and ask questions later!Yeah baby!)
Drill Sergeant:
This career is perfect for outspoken, pushy Aries. They are drawn to be in a position of complete power and love the ability to make recruits grovel and obey their commands. They are well suited to the breaking of spirits and inspiring complete observance to orders and rules. They are not prone to daydreaming or being slack and abhor that in others. They have the influence of Mars to thank for the ability and interest in inflicting discipline and control.
(I get to break people and rebuild them?!Oh yeah!!!!Welcome to Aco boot camp!)
Stunt Person:
This job requires a really crazy person to sign up. They must have absolutely no fear, a thirst for danger, and a strong independence, which describes the Ram completely. Aries would probably do stunts for free, just for the thrill, so a paycheck is icing on the cake. They have the endurance for long days on a movie set or the fearlessness to be a crash test dummy.

(Now here they got it wrong.Me work for free?Hell no!!!!)
Prize Fighter:
The bloodshed and pain of this career appeal to warrior Aries and they are quite talented at fighting. Natural athletes, they are agile and powerful, but also very shrewd. The long hours of training are not a problem for Aries, and the smell of sweat spurs them on to greatness in this field. This job also requires a fierce sense of competition, which makes Aries well suited to be a champion.

(I'd only opt for this if it was mixed martial arts like UFC coz boxing is for pussies!Let's get ready to rumble!)
Fire Chief:
This career takes a strong sense of leadership, a need to take risks, and good physical condition. Because of these attributes and their fascination with fire, Aries would stand out in this job. They may be called upon to light a fire under their staff or put out a forest fire. Either way, they have to be sharp, decisive, and able to respond to conditions quickly. Added bonus: the ability to whip up a batch of five-alarm chili will allow them to achieve great success amongst their peers.

(leadership?check!risk taker?check!good physical condition?check!A new hero is in the house!)
Mercenary Soldier:
For those Aries soldiers, the option of fighting for a foreign government might appeal. This career requires a certain toughness of mind, lack of need for personal safety, and the ability to stay unattached to personal ties. Aries would probably be able to cope with such lack of creature comforts and the highly disciplined life better than anyone.
(Blowing up things and getting paid for it?That would rock!)
Other careers that were not mentioned here that The Acolyte would do excel at include:
Assassin:It would be great to take out enemies of the state, terrorist and depraved individuals such as D-shy and Kenyanmusings and get paid for it)
Executioner:It would be great to be paid to lance the boils on the skin of humanity.I can imagine myself laughing as I pull the switch or strap down D-shy for her lethat injection for all the suffering she has caused mankind!)
Judge:Order in the world can only be maintained when people like me lay down the law.I will have no tolerance to excuses so when you kbw gals kill your husbands for the insurance check and use the battered woman defence I will have no sympathy at all!
Celestial Being:The Universe would be in total harmony under The Being formerly known as The Acolyte!

Great Gordon Strachan Quotes!

I had to share these great quotes by Gordon Strachan from one of my favourite Liverpool FC blogs:
On Wayne Rooney...
"It's an incredible rise to stardom. At 17 you're more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson."

Reporter: Gordon, Do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the England squad?
Strachan: I don't care, I'm Scottish

Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off]

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless."

Reporter: Is that your best start to a season?
Strachan: Well I've still got a job, so it's far better than the Coventry one, that's for sure.

Reporter: Are you getting where you want to be with this team?
Strachan: We're not doing bad. What do you expect us to be like? We were eighth in the league last year, in the cup final and we got into Europe. I don't know where you expect me to get to. Do you expect us to win the Champions League?

Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?
Strachan: You're spot on! You can read me like a book.

Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yoghurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado.

Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won't you?
Strachan: You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you're spot on there.

Reporter: Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe! jump off a bridge. Umm, I think I can take it, yeah.

Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man, down.

Reporter: where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.

Reporter: You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?
Strachan: I don't take stupid comments lightly either.

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there....

Reporter: "What is your impression of Jermaine Pennant?"
Strachan: "I don't do impressions"

Reporter: Did you enjoy that Gordon?
Strachan: Aye, I did - so much so that I'm going home to watch it on ceefax (walks off)

The world looks a totally different place after two wins. I can
even enjoy watching Blind Date or laugh at Noel's House Party.

Reporter: So Gordon, any changes then ?
Strachan: Naw, still 5ft 6, ginger hair, and a big nose!

Reporter: So, Gordon, any plans for Europe this year?
Strachan: Aye, me and the wife quite fancy Spain in August.

Gary Lineker: So Gordon, if you were English, what formation would you play?
Gordon Strachan: If I was English I'd top myself!

Monday, April 03, 2006

Underneath your clothes...

We all have a piece of clothing in our closet that we are truly ashamed about and never want anyone to know that we own but for some reason we still keep it.It could be some shoes with a whack design,a kaunda suit,kenya uniform skirt,KANU colors tie,mothers union panties or tired boxers.Yes disown as much as you want but we are all guilty.What is my secret?See below....

My very own passion killers!Winnie The Pooh boxer shorts!I have never worn them when I know I am going more then one mile past home, lest I am in accident and as the EMTs strip and search me; "We don't have a name for this one but looking at the underwear he is a Winnie the Pooh fan.A grown man wouldnt buy such underwear so he must be mentally handicapped!Let's send him to the mental ward when he comes to!"Also these could really kill the mood when getting lucky.After wining and dining a gal, telling her the sweet nothings that need to be told and after long steamy foreplay taking her to the bedroom.Then on striping off my shirt to show the glorius Acolyte chest then lastly the trousers.This would what she would say,"Oh Winnie The Pooh!That's so cute!I remember watching that cartoon as a kid!What's the Donkey's name?"At that point in time the girl's mind has shifted away from any carnal activities and is now in flashback mode and my porsche of passion will be left revving in the garage.
In my defense they were a gift!I would not in my right mind buy such boxers!But rest assured that these are worn in the privacy of my own home much as you ladies wear some old school breast plate style bras complete with the iron lining and mothers union ngothas (as seen Bridget Jones Diary) but please please please do not bring those vestments to the love chamber and I too (on behalf of all men ) will not.And instead will don a pair of these!

I am superman and I am here to save your love life!

ps:One great person born today in Acolyte month is Eddie Murphy!Yes he may be making crap movies now but in his heyday he rocked!Who can forget Raw,48 hours,Beverly Hills Cop,Nutty Proffesor,Boomerang and Shrek?Quote from Shrek:[To huge dragon]
What large teeth you have! I mean white sparkly teeth, I know you probably hear this all the time from your food but you must bleach or something, cos that's one dazzling smile you got there and do I detect a hint of minty freshness?

Beverly Hills Cop Quote:
Disturbing the peace? I got thrown out of a window! What's the f**kin charge for getting pushed out of a moving car, huh? Jaywalking?!
Dr Doolittle Quote:
Dr. Dolittle: You'll be the most famous bear in the world!
Archie: Bigger than Pooh?
Dr. Dolittle: If you get this right, everybody will be saying, Winnie the Who!
(dedicated to my boxers!)
That's Eddie Murphy for you!One more great person brought to you by Acolyte month!

Sunday, April 02, 2006

The Weekend in pictures!

First things first!I feel like shit!I feel like a truck ran me over and as I was laying their battered and bruised, two big women came sat on my head then one of them took a dump in my mouth!
Anyway last night there was the International Students Dinner.Yours truly volunteered to cook!What did I cook?

One of the best childhood treats ever!

Not as perfect as mum used to shape 'em but since these peeps dont know how they are supposed to look I was home free!

I have a new found respect for proffesional chefs coz standing in a hot kitchen making something as simple as simsim for 100 plus people is not easy!My right hand is now almost immune to hot things after almost burning it several times (but unlike M's favourite chefs I followed all hygenic precautions knowing that these peeps dont have stomachs as strong as ours)!The dinner was held in our Uni's ballroom and food from over 30 countries was on offer.The unfortunate thing is that since I was serving I didnt get to taste most of them.There were also some performances and a fashion show.Here is the day in pictures!

Waiting to get into the kitchen!You see the gal on the far right?I have a post about her waiting in the wings!

Where most of the work was done!

china in the house

Two of our Kenyan folk representing!

The DRC folk do their thing!

My pal representing for the spanish folk!

Colombia in tha house!

Of course the Dominican sister couldnt be left behind!

The Dominicans do their thang!

The Spaniards are like hell no!We'll show you how it's done!

TThe gals were dancing to some British number from way back - The chic in the centre is British the one on the left Spanish and the far right American

One more shot coz it was a good performance!

Of course our African sisters had to represent!

And they brought the house down!

One of the two b-day gals!

After the dinner I had to drop into my room mates bbq!Here are some nice young gals!No Milo/Whispering Inn/>d,udi they are too young for you!

Then rolled back to the digs of the International Student who throws the best bashes!Good thing he's coming back next sem for grad school!This bash was so good that the other b-day chic who came by didn't want to go for her own bashIt can't stop,it won't stop....

That gal with the yellow top made me wish I had a camcorder coz damn she can move!The digital camera couldn't keep up!

My new pal looking a bit worn out!She's a perfect example of what happens to me alot!We met at my room mates bbq and on the way to the Int'l bash I comment about the way there are too many churces in my town and the way I dont go and she tells me that she is going to pick me up for church next week!Church going women stay away from me!I don't want to go to church!But ya'll can come around when I wanna get hitched!

My Rwandan pal tends to an Ethiopian fresher who got really messed up.How did that happen.....

A pal makes sure he let's it all out!
Anyway how did he (wasted dude in the pic above) get that way?He came to the bash with kind of early and I met him and the pal when I was going to my roomies bbq for a techical appearance.So at the bbq I had a beer and was on my second but then my ride rushed me so I had to leave half behind.So on getting to the bash the Rwandan chap had checked in and this dude tells his pal that he is going to keep up with his pace.All well and good.But then I checked in with a vengeance and took two beers at once to make up for lost time (you know Kenyans and free booze).So now he thought he could keep up with the two of us and he ended up crashing.What some people need to know is that some of us are seasoned proffesionals!We have had many years of training under great luminaries so DO NOT TRY TO KEEP UP WITH VETERANS OF THE BAR!Anyway I was among the last people to leave and for my resilience I was rewarded with some take away pints (Yes babe I know I am supposed to be quitting!).Did I go to bed?Hell no I had someone on my mind so I gave babe a call and the shameless woman was just waking up!But it was still great to talk to her even though I was winding down but it's the thought that counts right?Anyway moving on.How can I be up from 7 a.m the day before!Cooking,walking,serving,taking pictures,socialising,dancing and on my feet most of the day go for a BBQ and a bash, cause a pretender to the Beer Mtungi Fraternity to crash and burn and still be able to functional perfectly?It is because I am The Acolyte V2.0!Accept no substitutes and bow down!
ps:My blog has the best pictures!You all live in my town through me!Ya'll better recognise!
pps:Forgot the cable for my camera in my apartment so I had to go back!I bet I was a sight at that time coz a walk that takes me 10 mins took me 20 coz any sudden movements that caused my head to shake a little bit extra then it could withstand caused me great agony; so I looked like a geriatric on an afternoon stroll!
ppsII:Babe gotta thanks you for the photo infection coz an anti camera dude like me from having a very small photo collection now took over 120 pics in 2 days!
Anyway I am off to watch flavour of love re-union!Hasta Manyana!