Monday, December 17, 2007

Monday Moanings Part XIV

I know people in America love their pets but I was reading this story and I was like enough is enough! How does someone who lives half way across the country invite you over and you decide to bring your dog without their permission and expect the dog to get 5 star treatment? If you told them or they asked you to bring your pet, all well and good but in any other situation that is sheer stupidity to say the least. Anyway people here love their pets to a fault, I think we all read about how Leona Helmsley left her dog millions and left her remaining family members next to nothing. Anyway the dog now has bodyguards due to death threats, were in that fam I too would plan a hit on it. Love for your pets is great, but the overt devotion people out here have is too much!

Talk about being left without a leg to stand on! I think it takes a special kind of brute to decide to chop off someone's leg. What happens if they find out the leg doesn't do what they thought it would do? Will they go back for his other leg?

Last week I learned the importance of listening via hearing. You see I sent an acquaintance a happy Jamuhuri day text and he texted me back asking me if I wanted to go to Opera. I pondered the question for a few moments and I was like, "Yeah, why not? Tell me the time and the venue."
I never thought there was an opera in Atlanta, so if there was this was going to be something interesting for me to do. It is when he called me later on and told me about the time, place, dress codes and all the rest of the information is when it hit me that he was talking about a new nightclub called Opera that is in midtown ATL and is barely a year old.

Since I had already agreed to go with such fervour earlier, I masked my reluctance and decided to get ready for my FIFO. What does FIFO mean, well it means; Fast In Fast Out. I dislike clubs so I usually set things up very well so that I can make my time there as useful as possible and make it pass as fast as possible. My maximum time in most clubs here in the States is 2 hours, in the pre-driving license days it would be much longer because of course I was at the mercy of whoever was driving and I could also drink the boredom away. But as a driver, I dont take risks; two drinks max. So I met my pal at 11 pm and I was in my car at 12.45 am revving it for the drive home. Clubs here just don't do anything for me, I don't begrudge anyone who goes but for me I think I'll pass. Give me my bars, bashes and BBQs anyday!

I don't know if I have ever blogged about this, but I detest Christmas with a passion. I am happy that the enthusiasm here has also been dying down with the recession and all. It is with that in mind that I am happy to have come across the perfect gift for the occasion. I know it won't get to me in time for the big day, so I will get some for next year. Screw Christmas!

Anyway Monday is here, back to the grind...........

Monday, December 03, 2007

Monday Moanings Part XIV

From my daily tuning in to Capital FM I learned that 112 were in Kenya sometime last week. I remember when they were tha shiznit! Now, not so much. I was quite amused to read how they went to party at Pavement and till it was announced the crowd didn't even know they were there. Did any blogger go for the performance? I would really like to know how it was. I'm not hating on 112 and Tevin Campbell but I don't like it when musicians choose to go to African countries when their fame has waned, that is why I have love for people like Shaggy and Sean Paul who chose to perform in Kenya when they could have gone to more profitable countries.

Blind Item

The Acolyte used to live in the same 'hood as this now well known kapuka artiste as he was slowly making his way to fame. At this point in time the artiste used to live with his brother and cousin in one house. Due to carelessness the group only had one house key having lost all the other copies, so they resorted to leaving the front door open whenever they went out at night.
The Acolyte found this out when dropping them home from the club one night and advised them to stop doing so and get a key cut. The artiste laughed it off, saying they were too lazy to do so and they had fared well so far.

It was with a great bemusement therefore one day when The Acolyte a few weeks later encountered the artiste, his brother and cousin beating the crap out of 2 of the estate watchmen. On further inquiry it seems that after going off to the club after leaving the door open as usual they came back in the morning to find their TV and video missing.

The artiste in question did climb up the ladder or is still climbing and as I was leaving Kenya had moved out of the house into his own apartment with his brother and they were having a ball. Guesses anyone? I'm not naming the 'hood because that would be a dead giveaway.

This Judge sounds very Kenyan to me, don't you think? I can so picture a Kenyan judge doing this!

In other sad news, someone told me that Carnivore doesn't have Soul anymore. By the time I was leaving Kenya, Soul at Carni had been overtaken by Rock at Ka-choi and Soul at K-2 but I remember when it used to be the place to be. Who can forget buzzer beating? You see entrance was free before 9pm or was it 11pm? Anyway what people would do was go have one cheap pint at the local and then zoom off to Carni just a few minutes before the deadline. Of course there were always obstacles like the "powerful" Kenyan watchmen who would want you to park your car 10 inches close to the white line instead of the 15 inches you had parked, to which my regular answer would be, "hakuna shida, hatukai!"
Which would of course mean that the next time I would be seen at 1.30 am when Soul was over with the next stop being Jean's pub for food that was only edible when you were under the influence.

I had this link months ago and I don't know if I shared it but I ran across it today and it still put a smile on my face. Anyway this is what happens when you try to take a picture with 2 animals that don't get along.

Some people have no shame I tell you. There is this chic from I used to know when I was in Uni via the International Club, we had somethings in common but were more of acquaintances. So once I was done with uni our keeping in touch ended there other than the sporadic message on one of the social networking sites I'm on.

So on Saturday morning at 3 am my phone rings and I don't recognize the number but since it was in the same area code I answered it. I didn't recognize the voice until my old pal identified herself, it seems she was in Atl with her girlfriend (not friend but lover who she turned lesbian but that is a story for another day) and the person who was supposed to put them up hadn't shown up at the club and the whole night wasn't answering their phone. So she asked if they could come over and sleep at my place.

No, at this point in time Acolyte was not entertaining fantasies of converting 2 lesbians with his magic pole of love in his room which would be light by a pink light bulb as cheesy music played in the background that would climax in an earth shattering guitar solo at the same time as the Acolyte (as you can tell I am practicing writing a bad love scene for The Drama Post series - yes Eclipse I am working on the next episodes). This was because first of all the above scenario only happens in the movies, second this mama is very butch and her and her girlfriend (who is a nice chic) do nothing for me, thirdly I have no couch or a spare bed and last but not least; how the hell do we not talk for 11 months and then you come out of the blue expecting to sleep at my place?!

Oh here is the other funny thing, it isn't like she even had my number, her girlfriend used to be good pals with my room mate so whenever she wanted to get in touch with him she would call me. So she told me as they were scrolling through her phone for numbers they came across mine and decided I would be a willing host. Anyway this chic is a user, I was told how she borrowed some money from a Kenyan mama saying it was an emergency and was lent the money, the Kenyan chic a few months later needed that money to pay her fees and was taken round in circles despite being told how urgent it was.

All those thoughts ran in the mind of The Acolyte as she told him her predicament. The Acolyte said that was very sad and said he wished he could help but at the moment he was out of town and proceeded to suggest some other ex international students she could call who coincidentally were not picking their phones when she had called them (I guess they got the memo). Anyway I'm sure she made out just fine.

Damn, it seems I've over blogged for today. Time to scatter and yes, Drama post in progress!
Happy Monday all!

Monday, November 26, 2007

Monday Moanings Part XIII

Yeah yeah I know I have been MIA for a minute now. No excuses other than my life has gotten into a very predictable routine. Thanksgiving has come and gone, I have been off work since Wed afternoon so getting back into the grind is going to be difficult to say the least!

There were loads and loads of bashes that went on this Thanksgiving. I don't know how many of you came down to ATL for the bashes. I would like to get an honest opinion, which bashes were better? The Takeover DJs or 2kat? As regards this issue I am split, I vote for Takeover DJs in terms of music but when it comes to venues 2kat comes out on top. When it comes to crowds, 2kat has a more mature but yet "snobbish"; what do I mean? Well with a 2kat bash when you walk in, it's like you've checked into the local; everyone seems to know each other and you feel like a visitor. Takeover DJs on the other hand seems to have a more diverse crowd, so it's a bit easier to mingle with the crowd. I got to watch Hardstone do a surprise performance during one of the Takeover DJ bashes and that was a nice blast from the past, the only beef that I had is that on Friday night I think that the Bamboo or whoever it was who was to perform must have done their thing after 4 am because I left at 4 am and he hadn't performed. But at least on Saturday they planned well because Jua Cali performed by 2 am, I have to give him marks for the energy he has and his ability to work the crowd but I wasn't too thrilled with the use of playback tracks and such but I do know it would have been a stretch for him to get a live band and practice with them so that's cool. I did get some video via my cell phone, nothing to write home about though so I think I need to invest in a camcorder pretty soon. The next big thing is Miami for the New Year but I think I'll give that a pass, I'll do L.A Sevens instead. Back to real life now I guess.

I was reading this article in the Herald Tribune about the roots of the 35 hour work week in France and how it's proposed abolishment is causing a lot of drama in France. I now work a 35 hour work week and I must say it is heavenly. It is amazing how much more relaxed you are when you have 5 extra hours to yourself every week. I do know the French issue extends far past 5 hours a week but I do think that America needs to consider experimenting with a 35 hour work week, here most people are over worked, under paid and stressed to the core!

In other news I need some advice. Currently I'm living with my immediate fam (it always makes for fun and games) but our lease is expiring next year and it highly looks likely that everyone is going their own way. Which is good for me because I have been yearning to get a place I can call my own. But now here is the clincher, to get a room mate or not to get a room mate? Both come with their own pros and cons, you see if you have a room mate the costs go down considerably esp rent because here they rob you blind when you get a one room apartment but on the other hand getting someone you can live with is a headache and it is hard for me because I've been in the ATL area for less than a year so I'm not in the mix with people as such, you see I'd rather move in with someone I know than a complete total stranger. What also makes it more interesting is choosing an Apartment complex isn't easy because some places here are either in bad areas, have horrible residents, too ghetto, too expensive and have pathetic service or a combination of any of those; if you don't believe me go visit Apartment ratings. Anyway let me know what you think, I still have time to plan.

Now back to the grind..........

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Another Acolyte Tale

I came to the sad realization that it has been a minute since I told an Acolyte tale. After reading some cracking tales online I decided I have to share before the tale gets covered by the sands of time.

Long long ago, in a land far away. The Acolyte and his college cronies (or should I say henchmen?) used to enjoy this "wonderful" drink.

This firewater was a blessing in many ways to broke college students such as ourselves. Where as a bottle of Smirnoff Vodka the same size would only be good for 3 people like Jesus bread this bottle would cater to twice that number and cost 3 times less! Add to the fact that on a cold night it would slide down your throat like lava down a South American hill, live a virgin's leg your throat would at first be tight and want to close but on realizing the impending pleasure it would open gradually but surely.

Now to the disadvantages of this tempestuous love affair we had, you see first of all with the cane products the high was unpredictable. I once recall a friend of mine moving from discussing current affairs while enjoying a buzz to changing into a gibbering mess rambling about devil worshippers and the 20 shilling note. I am sure that many seasoned drinkers are also aware that cheap liqour more often than note reverses the laws of gravity, in that what goes down must go up! So what would happen is that after drinking 1/4 or more of a 750 ml it was inevitable that once in a while the cane would clash with whatever was in your stomach and proceed to empty the premises, so there would be only one exit; the mouth (at least in most cases). But there would be one problem, as the contents of the stomach would move up they would reach somewhere around the solar plexus area and decide, "No! We are not leaving!"
and turn back. As a result I once recall being held up as we waited for almost 10 minutes as a pal heaved noxious cane fumes, when he finally managed to regurgitate a baby's hand worth of puke; he was hoisted on the mob's shoulders as if he had won the Nairobi Marathon.
There were also the hangovers that made you feel like a truck had ran over and in your head, your tongue was made of sand paper and every noise felt like nails on a chalk board but there was one thing that made me divorce the drink once and for all.........

The memory loss!!!!!! Yes that was the worst part, Safari Cane taught me how to empathize with people who were kidnapped by UFOs. I too now know how it feels to wake up in your bed, aching and bruising with no idea how you got there in addition to having lost a chunk of time. The incident that made me go cold turkey was an interesting one.

You see one weekend my Uncle was home for Summer (yes the infamous Summer Bunnies of way back when) so we were with some pals and he decided to treat us, and the idiots that we were with my pals instead of asking for the expensive good stuff we decided to opt for our usual poison. So we drank a total of two bottles in between 6 people and off to Electric Avenue aka Westlands. I recall functioning perfectly for the first half of the night and I even recall at one point in the night a pal came and told me how a pal of his had thrown up on his shirt so in my Safari influenced stupor I literally gave him the shirt off my back, so the Acolyte was left wearing a Chicago White Sox jacket with nothing on the inside but when you have Safari in you, you don't feel the cold.
My last memory was later leaving the bar and finding two dudes I knew squaring off to fight, I recall walking in between both parties and beseeching them not to fight. My next memory was getting up in bed just fine with no bruises whatsoever but with the usual killer hangover.

I knew something was amiss when I was talking to my Uncle the next day and he was like, " I see someone has been playing Streetfighter," and walked away laughing. I didn't even know what he was talking about and dismissed him. Later on in the day I was walking in the neighbourhood and this dude whom I didn't talk to much comes up to me and says, " Jamaa you are harsh, I saw how you wekad those 2 dudes!" I was still in denial and shrugged off his misplaced admiration, but like the Biblical Peter the cock crowed when my small sis came home and told me, " I met a pal of mine who said you know how to kick ass!"

After that day as my pal's happily destroyed their livers and their brains, I opted for Beer or soda.
Lesson of The Day? - Cheap liquor destroys short term memory and.....damn I forgot!

Monday, November 12, 2007

Monday Moanings Part XII

Yesterday I was in what I like to call ICU, no there is nothing wrong with me nor have I been in an accident. But I was in one of those conditions where the only thing I'm good for is laying in my bed like an ICU patient. You see I decided to go shopping for gyms last week, so in American fashion before telling you how much they are going to ass rape you for 24-36 months they ask you to come in for a free session. With the first gym I went to on Friday evening, just after I get changed I was told that I would be charged a $20 equipment fee for that class but if I decided to enrol that would go to my enrollment fee. Needless to say I wasn't pleased, plus even though they had nice stuff the gym itself wasnt much to write home about. So after the 2 hour session ( during which I found out how unfit I was ) the dude breaks out the cost for me and needless to say I smiled told him I would think about it and didn't look back, because this place isn't like Kenya; everyone wants to lock you down for 2 years at least.
So the next day I had signed up for a session at another gym (one that I had postponed twice in a row), this place is one of those franchises so their facilities were top notch. I did my free session (which rocked) and when it came to the costs, you know how people are here. They don't tell you up front, they try and butter you up by telling all the wonderful things their gym has and all that kinda ish. So I ask the dude to hit me with it, and he has two plans, one for 24 months and the other for 36 months. So as it goes with the 36 month plan is like $10 per month cheaper but I wasn't having none of that. You see other than my cell phone contract, I only sign up for one year contracts; nutting else! So I ask him if there is a one year contract available which is also cheaper per month, he tells me yes but only for students. Well guess what? Since the Acolyte always walks around with his student I.D, he's a student! So I signed up my soul for one year and one year only.
Anyway back to ICU by Saturday afternoon my legs were feeling like they were made of rubber and the rest of me was really run down but guess what, the rest of the fam wanted to hang out so they decided we go for an Ice Hockey game. Yes an Ice Hockey game, I think it was the curiosity and the cheap tickets that motivated them. Ice Hockey games aren't all that interesting, yes there is the fast pace of the game and the slamming of players into the walls but other than that I dont see much else to go back to see a game for. Oh and I did learn that all the Georgia teams suck because the ice hockey team lost the game.
Anyway word of the day is that if you haven't been to the gym for sometime, please don't go 2 days in a row!

Wahu decided to release the third (maybe 4th) track from her constantly upcoming album (okay for real I dont even think she has an album coming despite what she says). I know this is going to make some of you mad but after listening to her new track, I felt like someone had taken a large dump in my ears. The song was rubbish, no progress at all from her last track and instantly forgettable. Why some people bother going to the studio I don't even know.

I have also realized that some local Kenyan personalities have their stans. Do you know I still get comments on this post, many of them telling me to leave Lillian Muli alone same case with the latest post about Kaz and her pics. Damn ya'll are cracking me up, do you all have posters and newspaper cut outs of her plastered all over your walls?

Stans aside, this comment below from one of my favorite Liverpool FC fan sites made my day. It's amazing how the dude wove a life event round a game......

"Rotation Rotation Rotation. Rafa cant win. some people are still bitching and whinging that the same team that beat besiktas shouldnt have started against fulham. “why didnt kewell start” “why wasnt riise benched”, blah blah blah! I think some people just like to argue no matter what happens.

i really dont see a massive problem with rotation. Bringing players on as subsititutes is a form of rotation. the same 11 players dont finish the games that started the game when a sub is bought on. the same 3 substitutes are rarely bought on every game, so why isnt that considered rotation???

i thought game was descent. one word descibes it for me, Clinical. we never really got out of second gear and we never really needed too. i think the game plan was the same as the blackburn match, but this time we had abit of luck on our side and didnt have freidel pulling saving out of his arse..although having said that, niemi came up with a good few saves.

ive been thinking for a while and decided on saturday that i was going to break up with my girlfriend on sunday or monday, but as we got into bed last night at about 4am (saturday night/sunday morning)after a boozy night, she asked me “do you still want to be with me”…i suddenly thought that the liverpool game was about to kick off and seeming as i was gonna do it anyway, i might as well do it now and then catch the game. so i told her i didnt think things between us were working anymore, and off i staggered home to watch my one true love, Liverpool FC. I feel like a right prick for doing that, but as i say, at least i got to catch the game. this is the 2nd LFC related breakup ive had over the years.

anyways, im off for a kip. been a long night."

Otherwise I think I have said more than enough today. Happy Monday people!

Friday, November 02, 2007

Jokes, Jugs and Other Things.........

I've never been so happy to have a week come to an end. This has been an interesting week to say the least. First things first,there have been this nude pics issue which I am going to post on in more detail further.

Anyway I also came to the realization once again that I have a somewhat geeky sense of humor; why do I say this? Well there is this popular site that I love to visit for the off-kilter humor that hadn't been updated for a while. So when the owner finally updated it, the bandwidth demand was enormous, one of the main reasons being Digg. As a result the page was loading slower than usual, so he posted this on the home page;

"Some pages may be loading slow today, site is experiencing Digg rape"

That line busted me up and I was laughing half the day. I shared it with a few people and they didn't understand the joke till I had to explain to them the whole concept of digg, page popularity and bandwidth. Nothing kills a joke like when you have to explain it from the ground up!

As I had said in my last post, this whole nude pics issue is leading to a mini-resurrection of many Kenyan forums. One forum had 30 something pages of people's e-mail addresses (I say we harvest them and sell them to spammers!) Is there anything wrong with taking nude pics? I say no! In fact I highly approve of them, (no not because of that you smut peddlers!) this is because for years Kenyan women have suffered under the crushing grip of the Kenyan patriarchy that for many generations has decided what women will wear, do and the roles they will play in society. But here are some women who decided to shrug off that crushing yoke and fight back with the one weapon they have at their disposal, their bodies! History will remember these women and so will many generations of future Kenyan women. I am at the forefront of this protest giving moral support and I will spread their work whenever I can! All that being said; this is another comment on one of those Kenyan forums that made my day;

Whoever has started this thread should be ashamed of themselves.

If you have distributed, solicited and received these pictures you are completely immoral, uncouth, shameless and totally silly.

How can such pictures even cause the resurrection of some members who have never been heard of for years?

Isn't this a good example of moral bankruptcy among the so called "leaders of tommorrow"?

You are all ghasia kabisa, takataka na mavi za kuku!!!

Having said that could you please send me the pictures, my email is

Last week I had one of those "God please let the ground open up and swallow me" days. You see at work there was this Kenyan chic who loves the job, she used to go on about it like it was the best job ever, you know those people who spout the company lines and such with fervour and enthusiasm? Yes that was her, it also didn't hurt that she also used to meet her goals and targets. I had nothing against her but I hated the company, so her fervour used to make my blood boil; so in the privacy of my own apartment I used to say nasty things about her once in a while to my small brother but at work I wouldn't say jack. So one day while I was seated at my desk, the chic came and said hi, we chatted a bit in swahili; she asked me what I thought of the job and all. Of course I was very diplomatic at this point and then she told me that she was going home in December for vacation, so if I wanted anything taken home she would do so for me; she then went on to give me her number and her e-mail address. Needless to say I wallowed in shame for the next few hours, that's the last time I'm talking smack about someone before I meet them and get to know them!

Reason #2145 Why Acolyte Is Going To Hell

Any other captions are welcome!

Anyway, have a good weekend people; I have an appointment to be cleaned out by my mechanic; please send all donations to my local Western Union Branch.......

Monday, October 29, 2007

Monday Moanings Part XI

Word on the net is that pictures of self styled Kenyan Diva Kaz are floating around the internet. No I have not seen them (a forward would be appreciated though) but I do hear they were tasteful pics (someone posted them online, holla at me for the link) she said they taken by someone she trusted or rather in her own words "loved" and for some reason or other chose to spray them all over the internet. I'm all for self expression and all that other good stuff but I wonder at times how come women let scandalous pics be taken of them in the first place and even worse to let other parties keep those pictures? I mean unless you also have explicit pics of your boyfriend what assurance do you have that if things go wrong that he won't share them with the rest of the world? Hmmmmmmm a thought just came to me, what if Kaz did this as a publicity stunt to keep her name in the lime light? The pics were being discussed on a popular Kenyan forum and I have never seen so many requests for a forward, the dude who cracked me up was the one who said, " please forward me those pics, they are for a school project." The other peeps who cracked me up are the ones who had this exchange on the same thread

Chic - I'm suspecting another guy in the office took those pics. Our wall is green and that wall is very green...
Dude - That's a bed in the "office"... Kwani you work in a brothel? If so whats the location?

Talk about 10-0. What was I trying to say? That's what I get for trying to blog while drinking a beer. Piece some meaning or useful lesson from that paragraph for me.

I was reading Mocha's blog the other day and she took issue with some commenter who took issue with her "dislike" of Nonini. So in the comments section someone posted this article by someone else who was taking issue with Kenyan music as a whole. Harsh as the article was I do agree with most of the author's points, the most ironic thing is that this dude is a pal of mine; we used to work together. Talk about an interesting way to run into people from way back when. On a bunny trail, I watched a music video of a song by Circuite (of Manyake fame), someone needs to take away his studio access: his videos suck and his music sucks even more!

And in closing, a long time ago the Acolyte used to watch WWF (not WWE) wrestling. Of course I knew wrestling was the last thing that was going on; just laughably bad scripting, steroid pumped wrestlers and silicone enhanced women. Anyway in the segment below Stone Cold Steve Austin and Booker T decide to go at it in a supermarket. If you aren't a wrestling fan don't bother watching the whole thing; the best part of it for me was mins 6:04 - 6:38. And people please don't try that at home or at your local supermarket! Nice Week people.........

Monday, October 22, 2007

Monday Moanings Part X

I was reading this article in the Pulse, and I came to two conclusions about Cess Mutungi. One, this girl really gets around; Two, she doesn't get around but someone at Standard hates her guts. I never did get to see her in action, so I can't give a first hand report but I have heard from some very reputable sources so it does seem that some of those accusations have some merit.
What irked me is the fact that I am sure that alot of male celebs get around as much even if not more so but there was hardly anything written about it. In fact the whole article was a bit thread bare if you ask me. But if there is one thing The Standard will never be accused of is World Class reporting.

Another Dumb Ass

Eric Gichaga Kariuki, 22 from XXXX XXXX in Sandy Springs, Georgia was arrested when he tried to pass a check at the "Ace Checks Cashed" store. The check was pitiful in nature, having been crudely altered using tape and so on. It was made to Kariuki for over $900. The actual owner of the check was called and, confirmed the forgery, and came to the location as did the cops. Kariuki said he got the check from an unknown man at XXXXX apartments. He was taken to XXXX jail.

My take on this? I know life in the States is hard but there are smarter ways of getting your hustle on. First of all, you don't want to pass a fake check and a check cashing establishment. Why? This is because this is the joint where they have seen every attempted scam and are always on the up and up; you are better of trying to pass a check at a Bank.
Second, when you cash a check you have to give picture ID. Unless you have made a fake ID, you will be busted, if not then it will be later.

Congratulations for doing your best to place us in the same books as the brodas, Kenyans are being mentioned in the media here for all the wrong reasons.

Quote Of The Week

"Your cleavage is distracting me every time I look in the mirror, and I can't concentrate on the traffic. If you don't sit somewhere else, I'm going to have to throw you off the bus"
A German Bus Driver, demanding in July that a 20 year old passenger in a low cut shirt move from his line of vision.

If that isn't dedication to your work then I don't know what is.

And in local news, time and again I have read, heard and experienced how the lack of expansion on Kenyan roads is leading to total grid lock. The question I ask, is the Government going to wait until Nairobi turns into a very large slow moving parking lot till something is done?

Anyway before I leave let me leave you all with a jewel. I recently discovered Goapele, if you are a fan of neo soul and R n B, you have to get hold of her music. To be frank it disgusts me how MTV and the other big record companies give such talented artistes so little air-time while giving other less talented musicians loads of air-time. Pathetic really.

Have a nice Monday all!

Ps: You know the world is small when you go for a Kenyatta day bash for Kenyans and you meet your ex-girlfriends best pal who you last saw like 6 years ago! Anyway time to get back to the grind.....

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

An Iconoclast Leaves Us, Long Walks and other things.....

I was reading the story of the life and times of the great Professor Toweett, and in many ways I admire and aspire to be like him. You see a pal of mine used to live near him and used to regal me with tales of his bohemian and eccentric lifestyle. You have to admire a man who chose to live his life how he wanted to live irregardless of what people say and thought and even in blatant disregard of tradition (how many Africans have you ever heard of bequeathing their bodies for research?) and pursued many seemingly aimless projects. This man broke with tradition in many areas and did what he wanted without giving a damn what people thought and I am sure that even if they didnt tell him to his face, many people respected him. That is the kind of inner strength I want to work towards, to be able to do what I want to do, how I want to do it irregardless of what role or expectation society has for me. The Prof may be gone but he will live on in the minds and hearts of many.

Moving on, don't ask me how this came to my head but how many of you remember the way cops in Kenya would go on patrol and would pick up "idlers" and if you had no cash to bribe you would be made to take a long long walk with them. Yes Udi I am looking at you! I remember a pal of mine told me her story. I don't know how many of you are familiar with South C, you see this chic used to live near the mosque and was outside the gate of the house talking to a guy pal in her bed clad (tracks and a t-shirt); when two cops on patrol walked by unexpectedly. After the usual niceties the two of them were asked to identify themselves and when they couldn't they were asked, nay told to join the rest of the walkers. Lets just say the two of them were finally let go a few yards away from the Nyayo stadium police station. I had some other pals who were busted near Gill House and were made to walk with the cops for a few hours, the cops wanted to leave them huko OTC, and it was past mid night; they refused and kept on walking with the cops till they got to a safer part of town. Lucky for me I have never been taken on long walks down desolate city streets, have you.

After getting really homesick, I decided to have some furniture and other things imported for my apartment. Please take a look at chez Aco below......

After a long day at work the Acolyte came home to relax to familiar settings, tea, bread and a week old newspaper flown in just for him

Have a nice day and send me something to add ambiance to my apartment!

Monday, October 08, 2007

Monday Moanings Part IX

I think alongside the annual state of prostitution in Kenya article, the "life is hard abroad" article is also making an at least annual appearance in Kenyan media. This time round The Standard took a shot at telling people the hard reality of life in the States. But the sad thing is that as the article prophesied is that people never ever listen, the saddest/funniest ones are the ones who throw bashes and sell their stuff before they go to the Embassy. I once knew some two sisters who thought the sun revolved around them, they loudly announced they were going to the States and even threw a ginormus bash before going to the Embassy. Needless to say they were both denied and came back with their tales between their legs, I think they opted for a country with less stringent visa regulations but it was a lesson to all of us.

In an ideal world Kenyans shouldn't have to use the States as an escape from the harsh realities of our present existence but what to do? Life is hard for Americans too, but the people who piss me off are the ones who go back home on vacation and make it look like they shop on Rodeo Drive and live in High Rise Condominiums. I say keep it real, if you have to stand on your feet for 8 hours in Walmart then be honest about it, instead of creating false dreams for others. But this isn't to say that it isn't possible to make it in the States, it can be done but it is often a long hard and lonely road.

Anyway moving onto less depressing topics but still depressing. I am sick and tired of hearing and seeing Britney Spears on every other channel on cable. Yes she is going to her trailer park roots and slowly self destructing, but enough already. Like a cat that has been hit by a car, let's let her drag herself into the bushes and expire with some dignity. Damn celebrity obsessed country!

I don't know if you are all aware of this but do you know that VH1, MTV and BET are all owned by VIACOM, not to forget they also own Comedy Central. I think it is pathetic that one company can have so much power over the direction that music takes. They are a perfect example of capitalism being allowed to run amok. It is no surprise that BET's pathetic offerings went from bad to worse when VIACOM took over. Call me a hater but the less small independant media houses we have the less choice viewers and listeners have, I mean unless you have the expanded MTV on Cable when was the last time you saw more than 10 music videos in a row on MTV instead of all the tepid reality TV shows they give us? Another fantastic reason not to have cable..........

I have been reading the last few issues of Nation's Buzz Magazine and it seems that the mark of having made it as a model is getting a white boyfriend/ girlfriend. Kenyans never cease to amaze me, but I guess it is a symbiotic relationship on both sides, the models get to enjoy the nicer things in life that the white folks money can buy while the white folks who probably weren't hot numbers back home now get to have some of the hottest bods for themselves.

Next weekend I have decided that I am going to visit one of the Kenyan churches that are near where I live. I was supposed to go to one this weekend but I decided to sleep in and gave it a miss, and I have no excuse at all because it was an afternoon service. Trying to connect with people by going to the club is a waste of time, so let's see if going during the day helps granted half of the people in the club might be there but what the heck! That reminds me, I caught up with one of my old uni mates recently, the dude is all the way in Chi-town and when he heard that I live in the ATL area he was quick to tell me that he was going to come and stay with me over Thanksgiving. Kenyans have some gall I tell you, they can buy air-tickets for hundreds of dollars, rent cars, buy new outfits, spend hundreds on booze and entrance to events but they would rather pile up 10 people in an apartment instead of paying around $50 per night for a motel. Cheap bastards! Just wait till November comes, the Acolyte is going AWOL!

Ps: If there are any of you that have blogs on or supported by the Wordpress engine for some reason or other I can't comment on those blogs at all. So don't think I dont read your blog, I do comment and nothing at all appears on the other side, I think the god of Wordpress hates me. Oh well, have a good week people....

Friday, October 05, 2007

U.C.L.A and other things........

I took Monday to Wednesday off work and it was paradise I tell you! Not having to get up early, get clothes ready, fight with traffic and deal with idiots at work. It reminded me of the good old days of bum squad. What is bum squad aka U.C.L.A? Bum Squad and U.C.L.A (United College of Lounging Africa) are colloquial terms for when you finished High School or College and have nothing to do but become a piece of furniture at home.

I remember those days clearly. Those were the days when I knew the line up for Cartoon Network off head. I also recall listening to all the FM morning shows and knowing which ones rocked and which ones sucked big time. During this point in time I also built up a steady network with my fellow Bum Squad members, I would meet them chilling outside the Estate at the designated jobless corner where they would tell each other tall tales, share veve, talk to the touts and harass girls passing by. But there were also the Bum Squad members who spent more time indoors and those were more of my crew, it also didn't help that we all had dvd players and playstation 2s, so alot of stuff changed hands even though at times there was always a bastard who would get careless and lose something.

The other thing I admired about Bum Squad is the unity that most of us had. We could all be verging on brokeness but come Saturday night money would be found to fuel the car and buy cheap pints and the local or venture out if the hustling went well. I recall that was also the time when I was growing my own local imitation on an Osama goatee. The Bum Squad also served as a good information network, when people are hanging out they manage to see and hear alot, and it was amazing what tidbits would fall your way ie which estate chic is the easiest to sleep with.

But as the fates would have it, I gained paid employment so my days with the Bum Squad ended. My life moved on as I moved from job to job and eventually here. The ironic thing is that there was this dude I left on the Bum Squad who was older than me and I hear he is still there representing, I guess some people live and die Bum Squad? Please feel free to share your Bum Squad tales!

In other news, all I can say is that this mama must have had some killer boobies to earn such treatment.

If divorce can lead to me having to take loans, then let me stay single is what I say!

Oh and before I leave, I have this wonderful widget thingie that I put on my blog that lets me know what pages got people to me. And it is amazing what some people think I have on my blog!
No, I don't have Kenyan porn, naked pictures of Nini Wacera, the Lilianne Muli sex tape, Kenyan strippers or teach you the meaning of Dini Ya Msambwa on my blog! I love Google but at times you do me so wrong!

Nice Weekend All..................

Monday, October 01, 2007

More Monday Moanings

It's been a minute since I posted, like I said when ennui strikes; it strikes hard!

Reason #2138 - Why Acolyte will go to Hell

At work there is this chic who has a close to fanatical commitment to the job. You know the kind of person who actually spouts for you the crap they put in the training manual to make you feel like the job you are doing makes the sun rise and help stop global warming as oppossed to making the Members of the Board richer as you rot in your cubicle.
Anyway some day this chic came to the cube of someone I know and asked him to train someone new and they said no, she then went of on a spiel about how he was one of the leaders of tomorrow and should show the new dudes how it's done so as to make the difference for the company. So he told me this and one thing that got me to wondering about her super commitment to the company is when I found out her age, you see she is 36 so moving somewhere new and trying to make a mark the same way she has where she is now is much harder. We came to that conclusion and I ended the conversation with this quote, " I understand her staying here and making her mark and not wanting to go anywhere else; after all you can't teach an old bitch new tricks..."

Moving on, I went for an interview the other day and I remembered one important thing. It's not what you know but how you say it. The last time I fibbed so convincingly and smoothly, a pair of panties and a bra were taken off. But seriously many interviewers especially here at times will actually put a candidate they feel more of a connection to than one who is more qualified.

Unless you live in a hole I'm sure most of you are aware that there has been a much hyped chart war between Kanye West and 50 Cent. The battle was over who would sell the most units and at the moment Kanye West is in the lead. To be honest, I did listen to both albums and they are both nothing to write home about. But I guess the "beef" did what it was meant to do, sell more cds. I was on-line when I came across this funny video featuring Kanye West making fun of his tantrums whenever he doesn't win an award.
PS: I know there is a post that I owe people, so that one's coming soon.
PPS: When you are "courting" or "buttering up" or whatever you call it when a dude is trying to get to know a woman better with the end result being a relationship or a
semblance of eventually culminating in adult relations (wink, wink); how many women
would be too many unethically for a dude to be talking to at the same time? Just curious.....

Friday, September 21, 2007

Moaninho, Must Know or Malice and Mushrooms....

In Breaking News, The Special One has left Stamford Bridge! For non soccer fans, Jose Mourinho has left (been sacked) as Chelsea's manager after a lack lustre start to the season that has led to poor attendance of games. Is this the beginning of the end for the Billion dollar team? Grant? Who the hell is he? What say you Chelski fans out there, Archer, Farmgal, anyone?

Anyway moving onto more serious matters. One day a few months back when Acolyte was at his hey day and the talk of the blogosphere (Kenyan at least) he received an interesting e-mail from someone who wanted him to post something on his blog.

This individual had an issue of national importance regarding a former high ranking civil servant who was presently sitting on one of the many useless inquiries in Kenya. He had sent his story to several media outlets with no action whatsoever. It seems that the daughter of this former civil servant after being flown out to the UK by her father had turned to a life of prostitution and even moved down to Australia where she continued the trade under the guise of working as a masseuse. The dude even went on to catalogue the number of men he says she told him she had slept with. The sheer zeal with which he was hounding me to post the story made me think twice especially when he copy pasted me what he had sent the Kenyan police and ODM (Joe's favourite political party).

I did do my own research and it seemed that the girl in question was quite a looker, what made her opt for the second oldest trade in the world (toolmaking is the oldest), I don't know. According to my snitch, he thought that the civil servant had no business sitting on a commission because his daughters actions could be used to compromise him. It is when he revealed that he once lent her money and he got it back but after a bit of a struggle since she was "quite a bit of work" as he put it and to add icing on the cake they were f*ck buddies. That is what put it in between must know and malice territory.

You see in Kenya we don't live like we do in the West, we know our leaders are tainted but we take them as we are. I'm sure we are all aware of a former Vice President's wife's dalliances that resulted in her giving birth to a mixed race child and him fainting in the hospital, the industrial/media mogul who is known to bed young girls and men occasionally, the female MP who is prim and proper in public but has the morals of an alley cat. Most of our leaders are as clean as a whore's panties at the end of the month so that extra piece of information wouldn't have been of any use as compared to financial statements that show how much money the former civil servant stole from the government. Or what say you purveyors of truth out there, was this must know or malicious information? Anyway I have a 3 day weekend so comment away!

Quote Of The Day
Birmingham chairman David Gold claims Premier League fans are being treated like "mushrooms" by greedy chairmen. He believes they are "kept in the dark and fed manure". (The Sun)

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Tuesday Tirades......................

I was reading the news under my blogger dashboard when I came across this. Yes I'm boring like that, I actually do read some of those articles and news, geek focussed as it is. But the slide show does make for fun viewing when you are bored.

Is it poor advertising or the fact that nobody in the world cares that the Women's World Cup is on? Over the years women have complained that their sports are given no support whatsoever, but when they are given a platform to perform on the support they give each other is negligible. On the other hand I guess since women in general aren't large fans of support I shouldn't be surprised, look at the WNBA, they play to half empty stadiums and it bleeds money from every orifice.

Today evening after work, I go to the parking garage and walk into my car. I sigh with relief, turn the key in the ignition, everything turns on but the car; I try again and I get the same result. Just a click, nothing else. I had to call my brother and ask him to pick me up and give me a ride home. From the symptoms I guess my alternator is shot, if it's anything else then there goes my next paycheck. That's why I miss Kenya, if your car acts up, you take a matatu and that's that. Here it is a whole 'nother ball game, tow trucks, jalopies breaking down and garages robbing you blind, urgh!

I have the feeling that I will end up working half day tomorrow, there goes one more of my sick days. Here is the ironic thing, as a joke we went to see fortune tellers with my sis and bro, the lady who told me my fortune asked me if I was thinking of fixing my car. I said no, seems she was one day ahead of schedule!

Here's to matatus and other cheap forms of transportation!
Ps: I'm too tired now but I do need to blog about an incident we all encounter, meeting someone and everything going spectacularly until this person does/has a big deal breaker for you in terms of what you dont like in a partner. Anyway that is a post for another day.......

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Curiosity and other things.................

Reason 2032 why Aco is going to Hell - Curiosity beyond boundaries

Yesterday there was this chic who gave me a ride. I didn't know this chic that well but she gave out that, "If you talk to me nicely maybe I'll let you hit it" vibe. Even though I have been on the B-train for sometime now, I am still choosy so I kept the conversation above board. Anyway at one point she had to stop at a gas station and stepped out. So here I was, alone in an interesting person's car. What did I do? I let my curiosity get the better of me, so what I did was open her glove compartment just to take a peek and get to know her a bit better. So what do I find in there? A thong and small bottle of pills, so I looked at the pills, memorised the name of the meds and looked them up when I got home. The pills were azithromycin, one of the things that antibiotic treats is an STD in addition to innocus conditions like ear, nose and throat infections. So the question my dear friends, are the thong and the medicine mutually exclusive? Several scenarios come to mind

1. In case of any hot back seat SUV action happening, there is always the need for a fresh change of underwear and a dose of antibiotics to prevent an outbreak of a pre-existing condition.

2. In case of any hot back seat SUV action happening, no underwear is worn but just in case there is an important appointment; it's good to have some nearby. The antibiotics, a pre-emptive measure.

3. Due to quite a few thongs being lost after some hot back seat SUV action, it was always necesary to have some spare underwear handy. The antibiotics? After too much hot back seat SUV action, there have to be some consequences.

4. She bought the underwear after regular shopping but forgot it in the car, while the antibiotics are for a routine infection.

5. Underwear doesnt let the lady parts breathe but is always carried just in case, while the antibiotics were bought for a friend.

6. Someone knew I would be taking a ride with her and planted both articles in her glove compartment so as to make her look bad in my eyes.

Anyway, honestly who cares? The lesson I learned, some glove compartments are worse than handbags, you don't know what you'll find in there. Good thing I'm not going to see that chic every again.

Moving on, The MTV Video Music Awards were on yesterday. Britney Spears has completed her metamorphosis from Pop Princess to ............. I don't even have words for it. I'm sure many a dude was unable to get it up after whacking off to her poster for years after her flabby physique was seared into the minds.

The Past

The Present

In other VMA news which I know few of you care about but I will share anyway. Tommy Lee and Kid Rock, two of Pamela Anderson's exes (she's the girl who was in Baywatch with the big tatties and was also in Kanye's Touch The Sky video) decided to express their differences with their fists and caused a ruckus during Alicia Keys performance. Anyway Jammie Foxx was presenting an award soon after that and left Jennifer Garner hanging as he swayed from the script. Dude might have a big ego and all but he's still got that comedian in him!

Monday, September 10, 2007


As you can all see, I have a new template, it has some few quirks I'm trying to fix but at the end of the day it beats what I had before. Keep your eyes open because what could be next could be a move to Wordpress. I've been juggling that thought in my mind and I'll get round to it when I can.

Anyway moving on, I was reading this article in the Pulse and I just realised that I have ever went for a jam session. Not that it's something to get broken up about but for so many Kenyans it was like a rite of passage of sorts. I have also never gone for Super Soul, the idea of clubbing with all of Nairobi at one venue never sat well with me. I recall my pal's tales of driving into a close to empty parking lot in Carnivore only to walk in and be hit by a sheer wave of heat from the masses of humanity within, if you didnt pre-arrange when and where to meet the last time you would see your pals if you got separated would be morning. I did go for a few Super Rocks if that's any consolation. Damn I miss clubbing in Kenya.

I was reading this article about Kenyan traders being harassed in Tanzania. This whole TZ - Kenya was used as an excuse to kick me out of KBW but now that I'm not being censored I'm going to touch on it anyway. Tanzanians time and again claim to be for inter-regional co-operation but time and again their actions say the opposite, it's like having a friend who shakes you hand with one hand and stabs you in the back with the other. Kenyans are by far very open and welcoming to foreigners at times to our own detriment (Arturs anyone?), while Tanzanians seems to be following the trail of South Africans in their fear and hate for anything that seems to threaten their nation in any way, it also doesnt help that some Kenyans were gunned down in Moshi following a robbery. I know I'm asking for too much but there is a mid point in all this that can be reached with the guidance of the respective parties in power. A man can dream can't he?

Onto other things, I was reading one of my past posts about how much I hate my job and how boring my life is at the moment and I realised that I shouldn't be complaining at all. Let's look at it this way, I came to the States and graduated in the standard time it takes to do my degree, not too many Kenyans out here can say that, to add to that yes my job may suck but at least I dont have massive debt in terms of student loans, credit cards for financing my education and of course I still have my health. So yes things may not be where I want them to be but this is only temporary, as the Hallmark card says, tough times don't last but tough people do!

I was looking at a Kenyan paper online and one thought came to mind, "The Crazy Season is here!" Yes elections are on their way when the whole paper is nothing but politics, one would think we are a nation of politicians, well if you go to any bar in Nairobi West you would think that way too. Anyway I guess I'll just take a backseat and watch the theatrics.

Happy Monday.....................

Monday, September 03, 2007

Monday Moanings Part VIII

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah nap time aka lunch time
It's been eons since I have been here but rest assured I have been catching up with most of your blogs whenever possible. As you all know, my job bores me to tears; so I have decided to meet the situation head on. I have started job hunting, in addition I am going to put in a request for vacation effective 2 weeks time so I can go for interviews and such. I decided instead of moaning about it, it was time to do something. When you proudly refer to yourself as a disgruntled employee and have nothing good to say about your employer it's time to get moving. I'm the kind of person you don't want to your new employees missing, I will douse their fervour with a quickness. There is this dude I was in uni with who was hired the other day, the dude had so much psyke for the job as I could tell from the first call. I gave him some summary bile free knowledge and thought that would be enough for him but no, he just kept on calling; leaving voice mails and such. So I called him back and answered his myriad questions, most of which he needn't have bothered asking because this company is so desperate for people that they would have taken him anyway even if he knew jack about the company. He kept on asking me about how fast it would take him to move up the ladder, and I didnt want to tell him that I have had people on my team who have been there for years without progress, so I told him that as long as he meets his goal he'll move up (and you all say I'm a bastard!). Last straw is when he told me that when he is on lunch during his training period we should be meeting for lunch, I didnt have the heart to tell him that is when I go to sleep on my desk. Aaaaaaaaaaah that felt so cathartic.

Moving on, I can see the Kenyan political circus is in full gear. I'm not one for politics but I have to say that I am not shocked at all that Moi gave Kibaki his endorsement, after all these dudes were as tight peeps waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back when before some of were born. Plus I wouldnt be shocked at all if they had shared business interests. All I can hope is that Kenyans can vote wisely, I will never forget one day when I was visiting my friend. He comes from a very saved family whom I always thought saw the bigger picture till sometime around last election when I was in their living room and the news was on tv, Raila was on the screen and his mum loudly proclaimed, "hatuwezi patia huyo mjaluo kura!"
Needless to say I lost alot of respect for her that day, I would have understood if it was his firebrand politics or party jumping that put her off, but no it was just his tribe. The fact that we vote for people who speak the same language we do and have kinship ties with as opposed to those who may be able to do the right thing for us as a community is one reason why Kenyans will remain in the thrall of greedy ineffectual politicians for a long long time to come.
Meanwhile, Archer?! Farmgal?! Mko wapi? It was a great day in the English Premier League, Chelsea were shown they are just like everybody else and can be beat! With the new improved Liverpool squad this is going to be a very interesting season to say the least.
Anyway it's about time for me to go back to waging war on the establishment. Look out for my sporadic comments. Nice week all!

Friday, August 24, 2007

Friday Fretting.......

The day I couldn't blog is when I knew my life had plunged into the depths of boredom. Nowadays all my life is work, home, occasional shopping and back again. The one light of my life is the fact that my new apt complex have their own cable provider and one of the free channels is FSN (Fox Soccer Channel) but the only problem with it, is the fact they are a small company so at times the service is trash. So last week on Saturday morning I got up primed to watch Liverpool beat Chelsea only to have a black screen staring back at me. I called them only to be told "we shall send someone over on Wednesday." I had to restrain myself from cussing, Wednesday?! I needed to watch the match now! But anyway I did miss Rob Styles robbing us and handing Chelsea a point, but at least it's back, and I'll be able to watch this weekend's matches.

Speaking of soccer, I found this classic quote about some older players who decided to joint some lower league teams.

Over at Cardiff, the new strikeforce of Robbie Fowler and Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink (combined age 232) will surely be dubbed Darby and Joan. Neither will be playing at the weekend due to 'injury' and 'late registration'. Could the real reason be that the team coach has not yet been fitted with a wheelchair ramp?

I was reading this article and first thing I have to say, "no shit Sherlock!" When would white people ever be dissatisfied with their standard of living in America?! It's like doing a study to find out that the Sun rises in the East and sets in the West.

Talk about laying of hands! He must have really been in the Spirit! But for real, to move from sharing the gospel on TBN (The Blasphemy Network) to stomping your wife means that someone just isnt practicing what they preach? Anyway time to go back to my humdrum existance which is only brightened by the splendour that is the English Premier League. Nice weekend people!

Friday, August 17, 2007

Some People............

My life is boring as watching paint dry but at least there is some action coming from home..........

There is this chic pal of my small sis, I'll call her J. You see J is a chic who is kinda rough around the edges, you know the kind of chic who is loud, doesnt hesitate to get into a fight, loves to drink and such. Anyway J works with my sis but a month or so left to go to Kenya on hols, so we decided to send her with some stuff to give my mum. My mum knows J, they met when my mum last visited us here and when they met J was on her best behaviour so my mum pretty much didnt mind her. But during the visit to Kenya the worm turned......

Like I said earlier, we had sent J with some things to give my mum; so he went to visit her. When she went it seems that she had left her good behaviour script at home. This is because when she went there it seems that she had one or two for the road and was very loud at the time. Oh she had come with her brothers who were driving her around, so she was also talking to them telling them who my mum was and how she knew her. What got to me is the way she had the nerve to blab how I'm going to get a major job and ish, yes I told her that I was job hunting; but I didnt ask her to go around spraying my business all over the damn place. This is the same chic who when she was here was complaining about how Kenyans are always in other people's business and can't shut up. Anyway here comes the icing on the cake, the chic brings up some long story about how they have to go see their mum in shags and how the car they have is someone else's and beg my mum for her car.

So against her misgivings my mum hooks them up and tells them to bring it back by Sunday evening for servicing. No they didn't have an accident but she brought the car back one day late and it was smelling of cigarette smoke. Of course my mum really told her off, but for real; this was the chic who was always telling us about the ballers she knew in Kenya. Why couldn't she borrow one of their cars instead of borrowing my mum's car when she barely knows her and even worse bring it back late and smelling? The candles on the cake? After being told off and her "apologising", she has the bottle to tell my mum that they should get together and catch some pints. I was like wtf?! Even looking at my mum you would tell that she doesn't drink, my mum has no problem with other people drinking, she'll even buy you a beer but the only thing she ever drinks is the occasional Guinness ( she says it is good for iron) and those concoctions with brandy for your chest when you have a cold. Besides anyone who grew up in Kenya knew that older folk were the ones who would invite you to drink with them if they deemed you mature enough and not for you to take you ass there offering beers.

Needless to say after that turn of events my small sis was sent e-mails telling her to put that chic at arms' length and when my sis called home after the usual niceties, she was given a long lecture about that because irregardless of those actions my mum also told my sis she just has a bad feeling about her. And you know about womens' intuition, it only gets better when women get older. So I guess in my case that is one less person to call a friend, and I guess she embodies the saying, " You can fake style, but you can't fake class."

Moving onto more uplifting issues. For some reason my eyes were fixed on one section of this picture. I'm sure you don't have to guess.....

pic courtesy of C&D

Regular programming will resume as soon as regular life resumes

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Behold, He Lives!

Do you remember the old time cartoons where Tom would lob a stick of dynamite over a fence to his nemesis Jerry, only for Jerry to take the stick of dynamite and via a hole in the fence put it under Tom. Tom would at this point in time be celebrating Jerry's demise only for the stick of dynamite to blow up under him. Well if you read this post, this is what happened to Kym. I for one am not supporting or condoning any of the ignorant, racist comments that were posted but I do think that the short sighted way the post was written baited the commentors. And to think the blogosphere had been stale for quite sometime?

Time for a TMI moment. As you all know, I have been on the B train (chaste by circumstance) for sometime now. It also doesn't work that there are quite a few hot women at work so for the last few weeks of last month this was the expression on my face.

But over the last week or so I have embraced my chastity and become more like this.

But one thing I have to confess that much like a man who hasn't eaten for a long time can usually tell appreciate the fine nature of food via just the smell alone, so I have now recognised the difference nuances of the female form just by sight alone. What some of my friends consider shocking is the fact that I dont subscribe to self service aka spanking the monkey aka polishing the rocket or whatever you may call it. I simply find it semi gross and un-productive, call me a prude but that's just me; add to the mix I dont watch porn too. I'm the kind of dude whose comp you could borrow and run through the history for months backwards and there would be nothing rated Mature on it at all. But I know there are pleny of peeps out there who dont subscribe to my way of thinking so just make sure you have a shield for your monitor and keyboard, we don't want any goo on them do we?

Otherwise for all my blog pals, I am not ignoring you; it's just that we have been moving and also at work we are watched like hens by chicken hawks. I swear it is like I am working for Kumar and company, you have to account for every frigging minute of your time! The worst thing about me is that the more restraints you put me under, the more restless I get. It's good that I have an escape that is coming inevitably, I feel sorry for the folk who are stuck here.

Have a productive and restraint free day!

Monday, July 30, 2007

Monday Moanings Part VII

Why does this story sound soooooo Kenyan? I am sure this has happened to some of you out there before? You go for a wedding only to be ambushed with prospective husbands and wives without nary a thought for your feelings about the whole issue?

Sadly due to some management shake up at work, the team I was in has been dissolved and we have been sent out to new teams and given new schedule. I hate my job but one thing that made it bearable was my manager, she was a hoot and she cut us alot of slack. When the new schedules were being announced one of my team members said that she wants to be on our manager's team, the only thing is that she hadn't been given a schedule yet maybe to prevent all of us from trooping to her new team. I will miss all the slack that I was being given at work, now I will actually have to follow the rules to a T. Just another reason to get out of this hell hole as fast as possible. I went to check on where my new team sits and there's a Kenyan chic on it. After the exchange of names of course came the usual question, "Oh so your last name is XXXX?, you must be from tribe XYZ; as you can see I'm a ABC."

Several thousand miles from home and some of us still see ourselves as our tribe first then Kenyans second. Anyway I'm not going to waste my energy moaning about that.

There are some things we like to deny about ourselves but we have to admit are true when we hear them from 2 separate reliable sources. My sister once told me that I have a dark sense of humour that would offend some people unless they new me, I shrugged off that comment until my small brother made the same observation the other day.
You see we were watching this show where Mo'nique was interviewing some women who were in prison and finding out what got them there and the reason why the prison population of women in America is sky rocketing. So there was this prisoner who came on and they usually spoke for a second or two before their crimes were plastered on the screen, so this woman came on and I turned to my brother and said, " I bet she's in for violent crime, most probably robbery with violence"
Sure enought that turned out to be the case, so my brother asked what made me say that. I turned to him and said;
" It's always the ones with the beady eyes and the small sharp teeth; just take a close look at her teeth."
And at that point he lauded my nack for innapropriate comments. On a side note, we had a meeting at work where some people were being recognised and some of the best performers went for a conference at the companies hq and came to share with us. So this one dude came to the stage to talk about his experiences at the conference and before he started talking, I turned to one of my team-mates and said, "He was taken to the mother ship!"
That had her and the two people seated in front of us laughing most of the afternoon.
I guess that is why I take my time before cracking a joke becauseI have to make sure I don't step on any toes. I think I shall post some of my best inappropriate comments once a week. What say you?
PS: Lest you all accuse me of ignorance we all know that physical features are no indication of ones prediliction to crime, that was a theory once sean as valid in the early 20th century but was disproved later on by modern science (I'll post the dates and full theory for anyone interested). So not everyone with beady little eyes is a criminal, just everyone with eyes.........

Speaking of eyes, this picture says it all but captions are welcome............

Friday, July 27, 2007


I know M will articulate this far better than I have but I have to say, "What in the blue blazes is this imbecile thinking?!"
What am I talking about? I'm talking about this story, the proposed addition of 90 more MPs by adding more constituencies. We all know that Kibaki is not doing this for the good of the people in marginalised places like Northern Kenya but as a way of currying favour for the elections. That is why I am against it! The public coffers are already being plundered enough by the current crop of MPs that we have and he wants to add 90 more?! These are the same morons who are planning astronomical pensions and send off packages for themselves for only 4 years work! Imagine what that money can do if it is used for development and infrastructure, Kibaki muppets out there please explain to me the logic and timing of this move?

Now this is one pussy I wouldn't be glad to see at all! Imagine being a resident in that old age home and one day when you are happily drooling away the cat comes and just gets snug on your bed, damn that would be enough to make you soil yourself for the second time that day! Who didn't say nature doesn't have a sense of humour? All that technology and skill being usurped by a cat!

For those of you who are on the B-train, you need to read this article; truly ground breaking stuff I tell you! I wonder how I went my whole dating life without this article!

Anway the weekend is upon us! Go ahead and do what I can't do; eat heartily, drink, make merry and fornicate for who knows what tommorow will bring upon us!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

The Tag and other things...........

First things first, let me deal with this tag from Mocha...........






I have done two posts with 50 random facts but let me think of a few...

1. Due to working my current job in customer service, I have developed a new found dislike for white people. Yes, because that's most of the people I deal with and I must say they are the most spoilt, crass and rudest people I have come across. No wonder no-one else in the world doesn't like them. Oh and I also think that the idiot who came up with the phrase "the customer is always right" should be taken into a dark alley, ass raped and shot in the back of the head.

2. I know this will earn me alot of flack but I'm going to say it anyway. Due to personal preference and seeing all the drama that goes on in inter-Kenyan dating here in the States, I don't see myself dating a Kenyan chic in the States in the near future.

3. Despite being here several years I have never warmed up to American football and Baseball. The start stop nature of American sports does nothing for me, I like games that flow.

4. I feel nothing for porn. You watch one and you've watched them all! The only thing that changes is numbers, colors, genders and the holes being used.

5. I think I may have watched too much "Will and Grace" because the first year I was here there was Coming out day when gay and lesbian folk go out in public share their predi I mean orientation, and the first thing I thought when I looked at their table was; " damn those are some ugly and frumpy gays! Where were you when the style was being doled out?"
Well I now know that they too come in all shapes and colors!

6. Most people bore me. This doesnt mean that I am more interesting than most people but just that I have a very short attention span so someone has to be really interesting or at least useful for me to consider keeping them in my life, that is why I have far more acquaintances than I do friends.

7. Just because I am soft spoken people think I am a push over, I may not always fight you up front but I do take my time and plan sweet revenge and pay back. Plus unlike most people I dont carry bile and let it burn away at me, I just put it in my pending list and go on with my life till the chance comes round to get my own back. Life is too short to mess up with grudges and worry.

8. I think most of you old reader read my post about my beloved dog that I had to give away and saw the picture that I posted on my blog. Well that picture was one of the straws that broke the camel's back as regards the last chic I was dating, you see there was this time we were to give each other gifts, so I got her some tasteful gifts. What she did in turn was find the picture of my beloved dog, I had left it in a book I lent her and she decided to draw a picture of the dog for me as a gift. You see looking at that picture depresses me, but no she decided to draw an A1 size picture and give it to me as a gift. When she gave me that picture I gave a performance that would have put an Oscar winner to shame but when I got home that picture was put far far away and Operation Flush began that very day!
Lesson Of The Day : Don't mess with a man and the memory of his four legged best friend!

So whom am I tagging?
1. Mimitu
2. Archer
3. Nick
4. 3 types of crazy
5. Gishungwa

Yeah I have been gone so long I can only think of 6 names and not 8.

Is it me or is power some sort of elixir for long life? I was reading one of the papers online and I was shocked to see Baba Moi still up and down in the public lime light. There are people who were born and have had kids when this man was in power. I guess I need to start drinking mursik and eating whatever it is that he eats to stay on form.

I am sure most of you have read this story, I see it is also featuring in the local dailies in Kenya. Let's look at the right thing for all the wrong reasons, first things first our compatriots from Central Province were not behind it. Second, people always say Kenyans are slow and that is why our West African brodas always get ahead; I guess we are catching up. But on the other hand most of the accused worked in nursing homes, so I guess most people back home know that Kenyans in the States aren't living the good life but doing back breaking menial jobs to make ends meet! East or West, home is best!

Time to get back to the grindstone! Ciao people!

Friday, July 20, 2007

Bros Before........

I'm sure some of you have heard that saying before, but before you jump to conclusions let me say this has nothing to do with women but certain kinds of dudes. If you look beyond the scummy surface of that saying is the deeper meaning that a man should never forget those who were with him during the hard times and toss them away for loose thrills.

What I am referring to are some papers (it's been a long time since I used that word) dudes who find it hard to do anything for one of their guy "pals" but once anyone who wears a bra and panties asks for the same thing the dude bends over backwards to do it. And the thing is that it isn't that he has interest in her but just that she is female and somewhere deep within he needs her approval. Woe unto you if this is the kind of guy you are waiting to pick you up for a night on the town, he will stand you up the very first minute some girls call him asking for a ride. This is also the character you go to a club with and the minute you step in he will disappear to hunt for gals, only to come back when he is broke and needs a drink and/or a ride home.

And ladies before you jump down my throat I do know you also know some women who do very little for their fellow women but will do anything for a man who so much as looks at them. Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with having close friends of the opposite gender but in my opinion usually the closest friends you will ever have will be from your same gender, they are the ones you will learn the most from and have been with you from when you were a kid till now. Those of you who are guilty know yourselves........

I'm sure with the tremors that have been occuring in Kenya, certain men of God are having a field day preaching armageddon. Has that Proffesor dude who "prophesied" it popped up yet to vindicate himself? Well in my opinion and from the good old day when I used to be very spiritual I did some study and came to the conclusion that the office of the Prophet ended with John the Baptist (that is open for discussion) because the main role of the Prophets was the prophesy the coming of The Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. This is not to say that the gift of Prophesy did not remain, it still did but if you read the Bible you will notice that prophesies more often that not were straight and to the point. The "prophesies" that you hear nowadays from televangelists are so vague and easy to interpret your own way. For example if the earthquake prophesy was that Kenya was going to be hit is it that the Professor misheard the country that would be hit or maybe God told him that it was going to be a tremor and he decided to upgrade it to an earthquake? Or maybe we have a Jonah situation where God decided to forgive us and rain his wrath down on Tanzanians instead (no I have nothing against Tanzanians that is just an illustration). Anyway who would have ever thought The Acolyte would be having a discourse on the office of The Prophet. All opinions are welcome, as long as you aren't damning me to hell of course! Nice weekend people!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

A Night To Remember and More V-Power...

Before the spectre of time fades away with the memories of my youth I have decided to share as many tales of past adventures as possible. So here goes.....

In a land far far away, there was this young lad called Chris and he had a friend called Mike and another one called John. They were a generic group of dudes who would do regular things like watching soccer games, going to the gym once in a while, drinking, clubbing and of course chasing women.

Anyway one day Mike decides one night to pick up Chris and John so they can go and paint the town red. When he meets them at the local they notice that he has a cute looking young lady with him, you see Mike liked his girls when they had just come of age before they acquired what he called "mileage."

Chris and John were used to this, so after they were introduced to Janet, they gave her a hearty welcome and continued to partake of the cheap beer at the local bar. They knew that they would get their chance to swoop in and scoop their own prey much like eagles swoop in unattended chicks in the open plains of Ukambani when they got to the expensive lounge they were going to in Westlands. In typical Kenyan fashion no-one was carded as drinks were being served and even the driver himself had a drink or two. After a few ribald tales were exchanged and jokes cracked they motley crew hopped into Mike's souped up Toyota Camry and made their way to the happening joint at the moment that was located in Central Westlands.

On exiting the car and entering the lounge, the bouncer wanted to see Janet's I.D but a 100/= note slipped into his hand seemed to distract him rather fast and they were ushered into the club. Once in the lounge the time seemed to fly as they sat at their own table, the two amigos left the happy couple canoodling as they did their lap of honor, catching up with old friends, making new friends and following up on earlier agendas.

John and Chris's plan was about to bear fruit as could be evinced by how captivated the two girls they had met at the club were with their tales and jokes they were cracking but a spanner was thrown in the gears when Mike whispered to them that they had to go. It seems that Janet was not supposed to be out at that ungodly hour. John and Chris grumbled but they remembered the old saying, bros before....; so they got hold of the girls' cell phone numbers and promised to follow up on what had began that night. They piled into the car and despite Janet's urgency, a visit to their favourite all night eatery Big City was a must; when they got there they indulged in their regular meal of somersaulting chicken (that was their nick name for rotisserie chicken since it rotated on the grill like a gymnast on the bar) and french fries. After eating to their fill, Mike sped up the highway into the leafy suburbs of Lavington where Janet lived. Mike stopped the car outside the gate of large mansion and dimmed his lights and began to exchange sweet nothings while Chris and John snoozed in the backseat of the car. The two of them were shocked out of their beer drenched dreams by a shrill voice saying, "You think I wouldn't catch up with you Janet?!"

It seemed that Janet's mother had noticed that she was not home and had decided to camp in the watchman's cubicle that was beside the gate. When she heard a car pull into the drive way, she snuck out of the side gate to see if it was Janet. Mike and Janet were so caught up in their moment that they did not notice Janet's mum's hand reaching into the open driver's window and pull the keys out of the ignition and stuff them into her nightgown pocket.

John and Chris woke up to find the couple outside the car being lectured by Janet's mother. Janet's mother lamented her daughter's descent into immorality and pulled her cell phone from her pocket and said she was going to call her husband from the main house so he could deal with them. Mike knew that Janet's father was a prominent man in society and he wasn't ready to find out what he would use his considerable connections to do to him. Before Janet's mum knew what was happening Mike had grabbed his car keys out of her pocket, jumped into the car and drove away. Everyone else who remained was in a state of shock over the current state of events. It took a second for what had happened to compute in Chris's mind but when it did he decided to do the next best thing; he ran after the car. John took cue and ran after him, Janet was seeing how she was going to face the music on her own so she pulled up the hem of her already brief skirt took off her high heels and ran after the two of them leaving Mama Janet shouting in their wake. After running round the corner of the street for a few hundred feet, half freezing, half drunk and in a state of mental chaos they found Mike sitting on his car bonnet laughing at them. Chris and John chided Mike for not telling them about plan B, but seeing as they were good friends they didn't let their unexpected drama spoil the night for them. Janet seemed worried but Mike sweet talked her and she was soon in high spirits, the got into the car and drove towards Nairobi West where they resumed drinking at one of their regular all night bars.
Post script: After one week at his apartment, Mike convinced Janet to go back home; she went back home and after her parents got over their worry they grounded her for 3 months. Of course this was futile because after 1 month she found other ways of sneaking out of the house to indulge in her new passion for clubbing.
Any resemblance to people or events in the life Acolyte are purely coincidental and unintentional!


If you can't view this video either youtube took it down or you have to log in to watch it, if that has become the case by the time I post this I shall edit the post.
Alexyss Tylor is on a level of her own! Just look at the care free way she handles those dildos as she tells her story! How she can relate the story of the 3 wise men to being shagged up the ass is just amazing to say the least! Seems Alexyss also listens to Snoop Dogg because she just used a variation of a line used in the song 'Baby Boy'; young, dum and full of cum. I still maintain the opinion that this mama was on the end of some superstar d*ck coz she just seems like she hasn't let it go! Nothing beats a hard dreary day at the office like a video like this that makes you laugh and think at the same time. At least she had the sense not to have her mum in this video. I think instead of the vagina monologues we should have the Tylor Monologues, why don't we buy her an airplane ticket and have her perfom at the Carnivore, Phoenix Theater and KICC so as to enlighten African women?
Anyway I think I have said enough, Thank God I have the day off! Let the job hunt begin!

Friday, July 13, 2007

Hadithi, hadithi..........

What is a week without a wonderful Acolyte tale of love and passion?
There was this American girl (let's call her Jenny), who went to Kenya last year to do volunteer work. After working and enjoying Kenya for one year, she decided to invite her father to come over and revel in the beauty of Kenya. Her father flew in, they spent time together travelling and exploring the various sites. During one of his jaunts her father (let's call him Mr Smith), befriended a young girl called Wanja on the bus back to the city. Whenever his daughter was too busy with her volunteer work to spend time with him, Wanja would show Mr Smith around town town. Over time they ended up spending alot of time together and due to the gratitude Mr Smith felt towards Wanja's benevolence he would take her out once in a while and buy her a small gift here and there. The two of them became close to the point of Wanja inviting Mr Smith to her house and cooking him different indigenous Kenyan dishes.

With all the time the two of them were spending together Mr Smith began to compare Wanja to his wife of 20 years, and compared to Wanja's beautiful ebony skin, deep brown eyes, perky breasts and luscious hips Mrs Smith's with her pasty white skin, flabby bosom and poor cooking were found extremely wanting. From sampling Kenyan dinner dishes like mukimu and githeri Mr Smith graduated to breakfast dishes like njahis and uji among others.

Jenny hadn't seen her father in a month and when she got in touch with him, he told her that he was on an expedition to Tanzania but little did she know that love was being brewed in an African pot (so sue me! I have always wanted to use that phrase!). The only thing that put a damper on Mr Smith's fun was the fact that he had only budgeted to stay in Kenya for a month and not three months and neither had he budgeted paying Wanja's rent, utilities, buying her gifts, paying her brother's school fees among other expenses. He moved out of his hotel room and moved into Wanja's 2 bed room extension in South C. It was not as sumptious and the Landmark but since he was with his beloved he didn't mind one bit.

At this same time Mrs Smith got in touch with her daughter and expressed her concern and shock about Mr Smith not coming back Stateside or keeping in touch after the first month he went to Africa only to call her and say that he had found someone else and was going to be starting a new life. Jenny was frantic and went into denial when she head that, that was not the same father she knew and loved. She rushed to the Landmark hotel to look for her dad only to be told that he had left with his girlfriend. When she heard the word "girlfriend" Jenny's blood turned cold. She had stopped texting and calling her dad on his Kenyan cell phone number a few weeks back when he told her he was leaving, conveniently it seemed that his "departure" was the same time she had to travel to Northern Kenya to do some volunteer work, so she couldn't see him off but that was all old news now. The phone rang for what seemed to be hours and went straight to voice mail where Jenny left her dad a message imploring him to call her and expressing how worried she was.

Meanwhile one week passed and Mr Smith's paradise began to sour as he opened a Pandora's box by telling Wanja that he was running out of money and wanted to try and find a job so they could stay together and start a new life. Wanja's sunny demeanour turned stormy almost overnight. She appeared less and less enamoured with him, his physical advances were nipped in the bud before they began and she didn't even want to hear his stories anymore. After one week of being ignored he decided to take his luggage and go see Jenny. After being man handled in the local matatus since he was too broke to take a taxi, he finally found himself at Jenny's apartment. Jenny let him and he could see the mixture of betrayal, pity, relief and anger on her face. He narrated his situation, of course manipulating it in a way to seem like he was seduced by Wanja and how broke he was. Since he still had his ticket, Wanja had almost talked him into selling it but he had procrastinated so long that she stopped bothering him about it, so what he needed was enough money for the local flight within the States to get back home. Jenny gave him the extra money that he needed for his flight and took him to the airport. A few days later she called to talk to her heartbroken yet angry mother who was still debating whether to take her grovelling husband back or not after his dalliances with what she called his nubian whores and how the word Kenya just burns a hole in her stomach; at that point in time Jenny didn't have the guts to tell her mother that she was dating a wonderful Kenyan man.
A true story as narrated to a close source of The Acolyte.

In other news, BET decided they were going to make this show based on the premise of this website that takes a tongue in cheek look at the failings of black people as a community in America. Of course the PC crowd weren't having that and amidst protests sponsors have began to pull out. It's said that the show may be showing this (not safe for work!) clip, if so it's going to be like a car crash, you shouldn't be looking but you can't help yourself. But for real, I hope that show doesn't see the light of day, black people have enough to worry about without more one sided depraved potrayals.

I think this is the lowest level of depravity one can get to. I'm not justifying hacking up of adults but when you start killing kids, I have no pity when the police shoot to kill and not to maim members of that gang.

Other than that I have a friend who is moving into her first apartment in a week or two. Any good gift ideas that won't break the bank? Ideas would be most welcome! I was reading The pulse online and this is one of their few articles that hits the nail on the head! Whatever anyone tells you, the States is a very harsh market for musicians be they African, Asian or European. It's a very very competitive market even for Americans themselves and few suceed, I'm not saying it can't be done but if you are going to take the plunge; plan long and plan hard.

I think I have said a bit more than I usually do, nice weekend people!
Ps: Dear psycho one and psycho two, this isn't the place for your tirades that run several pages long. Keep it in the nut house; Thanks you!