Friday, September 01, 2006

Awwwwwwwww hell to the no! Time to chew some Bamboo and Please Help!

Some people like Aretha Franklin are icons in the areas of soul, r 'n' b and gospel.The kind of individuals you wan't to respect and have a high opinion of.But now when after performing wearing this dress

They sit down and what you see is this....

They sit down and you get to see those humongous puppies try to escape the confines of her chest.Damn!Doesnt good ole Aretha have a stylist?God damn, mami has to have the strength of Atlas to carry them around!Now I'm going to stop talking about that and even looking at that picture.IT JUST ISN"T RIGHT!
Good luck trying to forget that image.......

Word is that everyone's favorite rapper is in the Union.Yes Bamboo is stateside and from what I hear is that it's for the long haul.Word is that this cat is carrying round like he's still the greatest thing ever.Hold up bro, we arent in Nai anymore, we are all equal up in here son!
I hear dude is on the grind like everyone else.It would be rather ironic after rapping about his bling, balling and his babes the dude could be bagging groceries in walmart or asking, "Do you want fries with that."Because I heard at one point he was booed off stage at a concert, I dont think he is going to be making too much cash that way.
Welcome to the Real World Bamboo!

Now there is a delicate issue that I need your help with.You do know that there is a new Kenyan mama who is in the program.Any of you in the South know that summer gets pretty hot and most of fall is still pretty toasty too.Now this mama thinks she is still in the cool Kenyan climate where you dont need deo or roll on or maybe she just doesn't think that it's neccesary, so as a result when the afternoon checks in this mama is throwing to high heaven.I know ya'll think I'm hating but this is how bad it is.I share an evening class with the chic and our lecture is held in a conference room with us sitting on a large table.The room is pretty small and enclosed with a little aircon. This chic was heffing so bad that the chics next to her and across the table were whispering about it.When I walked out of class with a gal pal we noticed the area she was seated at was heffing something fierce!
I asked my room mate to talk to her about it like a week or so ago since they're close, but it seems he hasnt done so.I'm not that close so I don't know how to go about it.Do I come over with a smile and tell her that she needs to use roll on, to which she'll take offence or do I just hog tie her and spray her?On a serious note what to do in a situation like this?

Thursday, August 31, 2006

21 Questions

1.I know I have said it too many times, but when was the last time you heard a cd that you knew you would still be listening to 2 years down the line?Haven't come by too many myself?

2.Does the fact that I have two out of three meals at my desk in the office mean I have turned into a drone?

3.Eve Desouza said that Kenyan men in stato are on another level (she went to several states when she was here) yet Kenyan chics here complain about how Kenyan men should step up their game.So is it that Kenyan chics here have higher standards then those back home or what?
4.Is it me or do you have to use more spoons of American sugar as opposed to Kenyan sugar to get the same taste in your coffee or tea?

5.Why do I think that BET is one of the worst thing that happened to black people in the States?0% programming of substance other than Sundays of course then back to music videos and black sitcoms!

6.The U.S is having a major problem keeping their children in high school, In Kenya we have more students than we have high schools; isn't that ironic?

7.Did Carnivore ever get new music to play over rock night?People can only listen to it Smells like teen spirit by Nirvana and Zombie by The Cranberries for so long.

8.I think most of the tribal animosity in Kenya is caused by politicians.

9.Is it me or do people in Kenya just seem to dislike Kikuyus because of the current administration, even though Kamau on the street has little to do with them?

10.Isn't it about time that people in Kenya who don't even have one album to their name stopped calling themselves artistes?

11.Hasn't it hit the Nation that far fewer people are visiting their website after they started charging people to read their magazines.

12.Why do you have so much money before bills?And almost none after you pay them?

13.Why does the customer service number take forever to get through but the one for adding services and paying bills go in almost instantly?

14.Don't the faces of those people who have fake smiles on hurt at the end of the day?

15.Why does that dude who graduated in May still come for our student gatherings?Dude I'm trying to get out and you keep coming back in?!

16.Why is e-etiquette at a premium nowadays?

17.Other than KBW why do all the other Kenyan forums on-line suck?Or at least those that I know.

18.Why do some Kenyan musicians have the nerve to call themselves International artistes when all they do is perform for other Kenyans in other countries?Nonini is not an international
artiste but Kalamashaka and Ukoo Fulani are (they have European gigs to their name at various festivals).

19.How come I really want a Bidii Yangu t-shirt like the one Jua Cali has in his latest video but everyother dude in Nairobi wants a G-unit t-shirt?Irony once again!

20.Why is Foxxy Brown despite being a rich, doing stupid things like stealing belts?

21.This here has to the dumbest bastard walking the face of the earth.I won't even talk about it.Just watch the video!Do you know anyone more stupid?

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Booty causes beef, beyonce has lost it and an unexpected porn fan

I was told an funny story the other day that illustrated the power of booty (okay alcohol played a role too). Anyhow there was this mama who was rather generous with her assets and many people knew that. So this chic goes clubbing and in the process of clubbing at different intervals men try to get her to go home with them and I think in exchange for the attention and drinks she says yes. As the night wears on, one dude decides that it is about time he left to enjoy his spoils. Two earlier suitors were not seeing how this was going to happen so the went to stop him. In the process of trying to decide who would go home with her, they started shoving each other and one of them landed on someone's table spilling their drinks. The dude who's table it was wasn't amused and got hold of the suitor and threw him across the club. The suitor's pals were not having that and they joined the fray. With all the pushing and punching most of the men in the club became involved without even knowing why they were fighting.Since the bouncers couldn't control the club, they called the police who shut down the club. Most of the people didn't appreciate seeing their $20 going to waste, those who took the most exception were a bunch of girls who decided to whup the girl who was the cause of all the drama.Talk about an interesting night, huh?

I think that Beyonce is beginning to take us fans foregranted, or maybe it's too hot under those weaves and wigs she wears. The cover to this album is atrocious! God damn my eyes are weeping (yes I meant to say that coz they feel more pain than the rest of me!). Compare that picture to Kelis'a album cover.Who seems more classy?Who's cd would your rather buy?Add to this the fact that her last few songs havent been anything to write home about.I just hope this is just one of those hump phrases and it gets better from here.

Okay now this one I have to share.Ya'll remember me going on about the pay per view porn on my cable bill that was watched by my room mate?Well the thing is that the first two movies were watched by a pal of his we were putting up for a while which was clarified by the dates.But there was a third movie that was watched at a date when my room mate's pal had already left.There are these 2 Kenyan mamas who came over this sem and are from my room mate's neck of the woods so he decided to put them up in his room as they find a place to stay. The third movie it turns out was ordered by one of these mamas, and yes my room mate had shown them how ordering for stuff on cable is done and told them not to do it at all because it is charged extra; so the chic couldn't plead ignorance.
So when the bill came and I gave a copy to my room mate he put two and two together.Then the fun began, I wasnt there but he told her, "No wonder you're in the bathroom for over an hour everyday?Self service eh?" he also told her that there are many men available to quench the fire in her loins (I have always wanted to use that phrase!) available. Can't wait for this evening to poke some fun at her!Bwehehehehehehehe!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, August 28, 2006

Lists, tips, essex girls,P.Diddy's latest and talking smack

When I am not writing long block paragraphs with no space between fullstops, I like to put things down in lists, numbered lists not bulleted lists like Movie Buff.You see nothing beats a long numbered list, makes it look like you've been doing something of substance.
Here are some important life tips from Blog Convict.

1) If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

2) Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3) Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

4) Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

5) Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt, a dog turd and a used condom into the bath.

6) Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

7) Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

8) X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

9) Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what you want to look at.

10) Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

11) Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

12) Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

13) Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

14) A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

15) Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

16) An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

17) Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada

18) Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

19) Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

20) Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

21) Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

22) Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

23) High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

24) Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

25) Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

26) Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

27) Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

28) A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from going back to sleep.

I have always loved British humour so I'm going to share some more!I don't know what it is about Essex but I got these Essex girl jokes...

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker.

"10" replies the Essex girl.

"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne."

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames."


An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.

"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies."This time it's mayonnaise."


An Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."


An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.

The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"

Girl: "OK"

Medic: "What's your name?"

Girl: "Sharon."

Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"

Sharon: "Yes."

Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"

Sharon: "Romford, mate."


Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood everywhere.

The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.

Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."

Sharon: "Ok."

Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"

Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"


An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.

She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"

The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well, oim little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me roight foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot"

"Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!"

Anyway onto other things, I am sure most of you have seen P.Diddy's latest video.No not the one where he is rambling about proactive and other sh*t, but the first single from his latest cd (honestly I think he should have stopped after the first one which coincidentally was full of other people's work) Come to me.Have you ever seen this dude perform live, it's an ordeal but you must give credit where it's due; the man can dance!But please Diddy no more albums, just keep on producing, showing up in your artiste's videos and shouting things like "Bad Boy!" and "Can't stop, won't stop!Bad Boy!"Anyway even though you won't remember it in like a month's time, here's the video for those of you who haven't seen it.

Some very idle chap decided to lay into Shiro about her post about the state of Breakfast radio in Nairobi.This dude had the nerve to call Shiro's post sleazy when the post was anything but that.The last time I was in Kenya figures showed that Kiss Fm had the most popular breakfast show. What does this mean?That Capital and the other stations aren't doing something right. The fact is that at the end of the day that radio stations offer a product to people and if the product isnt good enough they will turn elsewhere. Constructive criticism isn't an attack on the personalities behind the product, fact is that if Capital give the people what they used to love with the early Capital they will come streaming back. That's my $0.02. Have a nice day!

Monday Roundup

I went for the International Student's bash this saturday.It wasnt as good as the last two as most of the other students had left for the weekend; the bashes are usually held on Thursdays when everyone is still on Campus.So the crowd was pretty small.But the music was ok, liqour flowed and I met someone I hadnt seen in a long time...Mr Hangover!I now remember why I havent drank in a long time!It took me the better part of Sunday to recover!Never again!I'll post pics after I get this Monday-itis out of my system.

Other than that I am now suffering from an extreme case of Monday-itis. I didnt watch much of Obama's visit but saw a clip or two and read about it in the on-line papers.I saw the usual renaming of schools thing that people do.I think there are some of those schools that have gone through a slew of name changes.First they had the Kenyatta era name, in steps the Nyayo era and a new name, next comes NARC and a name change may have occurred; after that Obama steps into town and a new name!I am sure The Senator was asked to fund new classes or so for the honor of having a school named after him.At this point I could go off on how Kenyans equate people from abroad with money but I am too lazy to get into that, I remember how when my sister went home for vacation someone had the nerve to ask her to help pay her kids school fees; anyway moving on...
I am sure his nose must have been stung by the smell of fresh paint and barely dried tar on the roads.I have always known that the best way to get things like roads in your area fixed is to have some major dignitary like the President visit. I remember there were some government offices just off Mombasa road where I lived.This road was not in the best condition and would account for half of the time it would take you to go to the CBD.But when a new office was opened and the President was coming to open it, that road was fixed in record time!It's pathetic that it takes visitors to get anything maintained.

This month's cable bill is here, seems my roomie is back to his porn watching behaviour.I think it's about time I introduced him to the internet.This issue of a bill with my name on it having charges for items like "barely legal"," backyard babes" and "hot and spicy" isnt very amusing!

We have some new Kenyan students here and there are these 2 chics who come from my roomies neck of the woods, so at least now he has people he can talk about home to.Problem is that these chics keep on complaining about how boring it is here (which I do agree) but do not make any effort whatsoever to make new friends. They spend all the time they are not in class together and even refused to go for the international students bash.I know it's daunting being in a new country but if you don't go out of your way to meet new people and experience new things you'll always pine for home. I'll tell you how they and the other new Kenyan dude have the idea that if they move to ATL life will be peachy; but I'll comment on that some other time.

Anyway it's almost lunch time and I was too lazy to cook anything to carry.Time to go and deal with that!A tolerable Monday to everyone out there!