Saturday, January 28, 2006

God has returned!!!!!

Anfield's prodigal son has returned!This must have been one of the things that led to this.Blondie it's time to pick up your game.
ps:This post must be greek for non EPL fans....
pps:They actually do call him God....

Think about it...

From a blog I enjoy reading once in while:
Sometimes I think the purpose of adulthood is to survive what your parents did to you (even well intended ones.) Those things can run from the horrid -- abuse -- to the mundane, such as not being as neat as your father or mother.

What's really frightening -- and I think everyone but orphans go through this -- but you will say something and you'll think "oh my God, that's my mother talking, or my father talking" and you realize they are programmed in and dad, whether alive or not, are still lurking in there....

According to me this becomes more apparent the older that you get.What have you ever found yourself doing that made you think,"surely I am turning into dad/mum!"

Friday, January 27, 2006


I knew I had been infected by American ignorance after this conversation yesterday.I was talking to my younger sister who has been here around 5 years.
Small sis: I was watching this show on the travel channel and it seems Djibouti is a hard place to live.
Aco: That's in Ethiopia isn't it?
In my defense it was a long day.

How most Americans go to get togethers.
1.Get ready, buy 6 pack or bottle of Vodka, get to party house, say wsup to all and distribute what you came with to all, drink as fast as possible and make it home under buddies support
How Aco goes to American get togethers
1.Get ready, get to party house, say wsup to all and distribute rib cracking stories, drink as slowly as possible and make it home with as much take away liqour for being the last man standing
ps:Another Friday at the gym with a hangover.This isnt fun it's punishment

The one advantage of being the token black guy at some of these bashes is that so many white college boys want to hang with you so you can sign their ghetto pass and for those who get really curious about where I am from I sign their safari passes.As long as they don't act the fool and there is free booze, I am available on select dates.My resolution was against spending money on the hooch not drinking it.

Sometimes dealing with women is like making chapatis.Sometimes you have to be gentle,rub and caress their egos and other times you have to beat and roll the lumps out of it so as to have a well rounded chapati to cook.- Acolyte 2006 ©

Mind can't focus long enough to complete more then one cohesive paragraph.Time to go to sleep and regenerate brain cells!

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Instruments of pain

When it comes to physical activity Ms K, Guess and other KBW gym rats
are not the only ones spending lots of time grunting and sweating
(with no climax involved). I too have been spending alot of time in
the gym lately, at least 4 times a week at last count.So I got to
looking at the gym machines we have an concluded that the makers of
these machines owe a large debt to the medieval tortures and the
priest of the spanish inquistion due to the similarity in design to
their tools of trade.See here:

This machine is for those of us who aspire to have a washboard stomach.So what happens is that you set the weight that you feel your "one pack" can handle, sit in the machine, put your legs behind those thingies,hold the handles above and contract your body to lift the weight.What I can say is that it burns!So Imagine all you have to do is to increase the range of motion of the machine to like 270%, turn those handles into restraints,pump up the weight and have a crank where you can then contract and expand the victim; voila torture machine!

Now this machine is for those of you whowant to have large triceps (the part of the arm behin the arm that turns into wings in the case of fat mathees and Nick).So you sit down and place your elbows on the supports and push those handles down moving the weight you have placed.Now all that has to be done is to have the handles turned into restraints and already have them at the full extension angle and what you have to do is to tell the truth before the weight that has been placed on the handles manipulates your arms to degrees that they were not created to and they snap like

Leg machines also have lots of possibilities.For this machine you set your weight of choice and sit
down then you raise your legs to push the weight (the motion is like
you are on a high bench swinging your leg).Now to convert this baby
all you have to do is make that part where you put your feet be
behind your calf and the insquisitor turns a crank where you are
slowly folded like a slice of bread with magerine in the middle as
your thighs eventually meet your chest.I have thought of two other
modifications but I know you readers at home think I have lost the
script so I'm going to keep them to myself.
Disclaimer: The Acolyte and the management of this blog will
not be held liable for injuries that occur from conversion of gym
equipment and legal charges from civil suits from those injured
during the course of experimentation and religous conversion

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Life Imitating Art

First of all it is interesting how life imitates art.In the last post I had spoofed global voices online Kenya about the way my blog can never show up because of the way the content is off the wall.Until mutumia pointed this out to me:

Kenyan Sphere Roundup

Sub-Saharan Africa, Kenya, Weblog
First thing, condolences to the families of Kenyans who died as a result of the collapse of a six storey building in Nairobi on monday. As reported by the Standard newspaper, “At least 10 people were confirmed dead. By 10.45 pm at least 75 victims, with various degrees of injuries, had been pulled out of the heap of concrete blocks and dust.”Acolyte on reading about the collapse of the building, notes at the end of this post “That’s so sad.It seems people never seem to learn from similar disasters of the past.Are we destined to repeat our mistakes ad infinitum?”
Best of all they previewed a part of my blog when I am not instigating,insulting and spoofing!So I actually sound cultured and civic minded!Gotta love the people on Global Voices Online!

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Sometimes people make me want to..... part 2

Has someone ever said something so stupid and irrational that your well honed intuitive mind can only say "huh?"A statement that is so moronic that your neurons don't even begin sparking but decide to prepare themselves for the next mental task you plan to dispense.
Here is the scenario.Aco strolls into the apartment after a long day at the office and having beaten the libido into submission at the gym to find a notice on the fridge saying this Aco & R (other roomies) we need to settle the bills for December now otherwise we will have no cable this weekend (also pegged to the amount is the elec bill).We need to be asking about the bills and paying them on time.That sounds normal apart from one thing.
This is the second week of January.Aco left the apartment on the 3rd of December after promptly settling November bills only to return refreshed and broke after Christmas holidays.
So I do what I do best, I ignore the notice.So one day roomie walks in finding me in the kitchen and asks me if I have seen the notice.I say I have and add there is no way I am paying for an elec bill that was incurred when I was not here same goes for the cable.Roomie says that he was in and out and that it was R who was around full time but as a member of the household (since when did we become a family) I have to pay.I say no way, then here comes one of the most imbecilic statements I have heard in a long long time, "You must have left something plugged in."
At this point my brain ran over what we could call intellectual road kill, a train no rather a mkokoteni of reasoning so half-witted that it didn't deserve to be acknowledged on the road of intellect but just ran down.I was like "huh" and ignored him.Firstly my Mum always told me when you travel disconnect everything from the wall (during them days KPLC could have a power outtage and you could come back from hols to find every piece of electronics in your house fried to a crisp due to a power surge) that and the fact that I never leave my t.v on.So I doubt a telephone charger connected to nothing would charge up the bill.
Anyway Aco will do what he does best,disavow the existance of that bill and if pestered let Instigatorxxl take over.A man should be allowed to tolerate many things but stupidity is not one of them.
Moving on I have a gal pal whom gives out this lesbian vibe.So her best pal is a good pal of mine too and works at the coffee shop we have in the library.After my evening class I strolled over and asked her whether her pal was a lesbian and she was like "no, but so many people ask me that.She actually confides in me how she would like to get a boyfriend and how her love is often not reciprocated by the boys she likes."Anyway this chic has a strong personality (not in my books) and is kind of eccentric.It also doesnt help that she is an theatre major so most of her friends are eccentric and gay to boot.When it comes to women when it comes to those with strong personalities I am either attracted to them and we could become good friends or it is instant conflict and I am forced to dispatch them to oblivion with my gleaming sword of logic and shield of sarcasm.What I would like to know is what kind of men do women with strong personalities date since most of them can't stand weak-willed men and aren't found attractive by strong willed men?Also any KBW ladies out there who have strong personalities how do you deal with this and how does it affect your dating life?That's my blog, starting in one place and finishing in another.....

Monday, January 23, 2006

Learning from the masters

Guest poster Instigatorxxl
We are all cono, connou, conni (looks up collins on-line dictionary in new window) connoisseurs!Yes that word!In different areas of life.Some of us love books and can quote them ad infinitum,others among us can rattle of bhps of cars all day,some love shoes and know the latest lines out,others love movies and know what is coming out when and starring who and are on first name basis with the dude who works in the projection room at their local cineplex.I can give examples till Ragnarok comes but what I am saying is that there is something that we are all passionate about and love to bits.We strive to know as much as we can about it and get hold of it.
I have many as we all do but one of my favourites and I have touched on this before and one of my top pics is villainy and moral depravity.Yesterday Seven came on T.V, I am sure that you have all seen it but if you haven't it is about two police detectives, the seasoned Detective Mills (Morgan Freeman) and the new kid on the block Detective Mills (Brad Pitt).They have to find a shadowy serial killer who is killing his victims according to the seven deadly sins.The serial killer,John Doe (Kevin Spacey) is played so well that it is orgasm inducing!
John Doe is not your run of the mill serial killer who does what he does because of what his mother did to him as a child, molestation by daddy or bullying as a kid.No we don't get to know who he was because he became God's angel of death smitting the first borns of the respective sins to teach the people then like the legendary phoenix immolating himself via Detective Mills rage!Let me whip off the drool dripping down my jacket.
What I also love about that movie is its' dark and melancholic mood.Most of the time it's raining,gloomy,the buildings are grimy and populated by roaches and crackheads.The one time that there is sunlight at the end of the movie which traditionally signifies a happy ending is anything but that.Anyway enough of me talking about the setting back to the hero, John doe.This man is a quiet, intense figure who is Machiavellian with his calculated words and actions.He is slow and methodical, let's take a look at the killings.
In the first crime scene an obese man who was force-fed, bound and tortured, lies dead. He has wires on ankles and wrists, and there is a bucket of vomit under the table. The pathologist later verifies that the man was fed repeatedly, then kicked in the side so he burst. This caused his stomach to split and led to an internal hemorrhage that brought on his demise. The first bit of evidence that has the two detectives believe they are after a killer with a grudge is Somerset's discovery of two shopping receipts, indicating that the killer had left the cockroach-infested, filthy apartment to visit a supermarket in between force-feeding the victim, who had eaten all the food in the house.I mean that is so so so delicous!John Doe actually force fed this guy despite his struggles and vomitting; then when food ran out of the house went to buy more and cook it.After establishing that the fattie was full to capacity he must have backed of 10 paces,sprinted towards the blob and swung his leg so far back that the sole of his shoe was touching his neck and let him have it!Wham!!!!Then repeated it like 10 times after which he went on to inscrib greed behind the fridge.That gives me an idea of what would happen if I had a grudge with Nick, anyway let's move onto the next masterpiece.
Doon after, the gruesome murder of the prominent Jewish lawyer Eli Gould, who was made to excise a pound of his own flesh in the tradition of William Shakespeare's Jewish character Shylock, is discovered, and written on the floor in Gould's blood is the word GREED.It is a touted belief that Jews are greedy summabitches and would sell their own mother.But anyway can you picture this uptown lawyer being stripped of his $3,000 suit sitting in his power seat with a gun being pointed to his head with John Doe slowly sharpening the knife and cooly looking at him, "A pound of flesh, no more no less, no gristle and no bone; that is the cost of your lies....."Most probably Gould offered John Doe money which was of course scoffed at, so the man paid his debt to society as is said.If only I could do this to those crooked lawyers protected by the Law Society of Kenya.
At the scene of Gould's killing they find a set of fingerprints. The evidence, cleverly hidden behind a painting which Mrs. Gould notices has been turned upside down, belong to a known child molestor and drug dealer.They storm the man's residence when the man is found tied to his bed, alive but suffering from severe muscular deterioration after having spent a year completely immobile, Somerset once again voices concern that they stand little chance of catching the cold-blooded, calculating killer, who photographed the process of the tied man's deterioration and manipulated the evidence the detectives collected to ensure that they discovered his victim exactly one year after he rendered him immobile. Besides the fact that the victim's brain is completely 'mush', the perpetrator severed his hand, which explains how his prints turned up at the scene of Eli Gould's murder. The word SLOTH is written on the wall.That is the definition of patience, to tie someone down,starve them but be diligent enough to take photos for a whole year and to pay rent, something that should be done to all convicted child molestors (minus the free accomodation) let's tie them down torture them slowly and painfully then publish the photos in the dailies as a detterent.It would give the terms scared straight a whole new meaning.Let's face it some prisoners can't be rehabilitated and should just be terminated (after their organs are harvested for transplant!)
Then comes the next sin.At this point the detectives had broken into John Doe's house and had a picture of a potential victim, a prostitute;there is also a receipt from a custom fetish shop for an item that winds up being used in the murder of said prostitute; LUST is written on the door outside a murder scene where a frantic man with a serrated weapon covering his penis was forced to copulate with a bound working girl.I mean talk about being straight and to the point here there was no finesse.He busted a married man who had gone to get a quickie made him wear a blade reinforced sock and as is said in swahili "Twende kazi!"I think at this point in the movie the way men feel that empathic pain in the nuts is when women felt the corresponding sensation in their womanhood.Or ladies am I wrong?
A fifth victim turns up the next day after a phone call from John Doe to his own apartment. A model is found dead in her own bedroom. Doe cut off her nose--"to spite her face"--then offered her a choice of living with her disfigurement or suicide, by gluing a box of pills to one hand (from which she could overdose) and a phone to call for help to the other. By choosing suicide, she accedes to the sin of PRIDE, which is written in blood on the headboard of the bed.I mean this is so sweet because there are some people who just live for their looks nothing else!Their looks define who they are, since we have so many ladies in KBW what would your choice have been? When Mills and Somerset return to police headquarters, John Doe (Kevin Spacey) confronts them. His shirt is covered in blood.
Doe offers to plead guilty but only if allowed to escort the detectives to his final revelation. On the way there, he extensively alludes to the greatness of his achievement, and seems particularly preoccupied with Detective Mills. He offers reasons as to why he has committed the heinous murders, and, in one of the film's most startling moments, explains that in order to arouse a heightened consciousness in the desensitised, amoral people of today, one cannot expect to tap them on the shoulder and have them listen, but rather, hit them with a style sledge hammer.Which I agree with 200%, people have been so desensitised nowadays look at what we have on television nowadays?I knew it was at a high level when I was munching popcorn during the whipping scene in the Passion of the Christ (or maybe I was just a cold hearted bastard anyhow) or the amount of sexuality in advertising.So harsh times do call for harsh measures.
When they arrive at Doe's prearranged location, dry and desert-like, a delivery truck pulls up. Inside is a delivery for Mills, which Somerset opens. He tells Mills, who is struggling to ignore Jonathan Doe's comments, not to come near the box. Doe's incessant rambling reveals that he had visited Tracy after Mills left for work and tried to play husband. The independently wealthy Doe envied the fruits of a common man's life and is thus guilty of ENVY. Doe then discloses that he killed Tracy and her unborn baby, and it becomes apparent that Mills was unaware of her pregnancy and that the object in the box is Tracy's severed head. Enraged, Mills pulls out his gun and dramatically contemplates killing Doe. Somerset tries to stop him, arguing that Doe's revelations only stand if he is killed for his sin of Envy and if Mills is the one who kills him and so becomes the embodiment of WRATH. "If you kill him, he wins," says Somerset. The distraught and emotional Mills, very much in line with the character Pitt has contrived, is overcome by the tragedy of the death of his wife and their unborn baby, whom he did not know existed until Doe told him. He shoots the killer in the head. Jonathan Doe drops dead, victorious.
I mean this man was a maestro!Hats off!He planned it all till his death at exactly 7.07!He took his time to study Mills and what made him tick and his life, I mean Somerset had nothing in his life to lose so he would have made a poor target.It reminds me of the time in Training Day when Denzel's character tells the training officer that he can see the love that he carries on his face and that he should never take it to work because the monsters (criminals) can smell it and they will take it from him, love is a beautiful thing but those who do not have and can't have it seek to destroy it wherever they find it.John Doe gave up his life to teach a lesson, how many of us would do that for a good cause?Anyway that movie is a masterpiece and John Doe beats Hannibal Lecter hands down as a figure to aspire to become.Here are some quotes from the movie.I recommend that you see it!

Memorable Quotes from
Se7en (1995)

David Mills: Wait, I thought all you did was kill innocent people.
John Doe: Innocent? Is that supposed to be funny? An obese man... a disgusting man who could barely stand up; a man who if you saw him on the street, you'd point him out to your friends so that they could join you in mocking him; a man, who if you saw him while you were eating, you wouldn't be able to finish your meal. After him, I picked the lawyer and I know you both must have been secretly thanking me for that one. This is a man who dedicated his life to making money by lying with every breath that he could muster to keeping murderers and rapists on the streets!
David Mills: Murderers?
John Doe: A woman...
David Mills: Murderers, John, like yourself?
John Doe: [interrupts] A woman... so ugly on the inside she couldn't bear to go on living if she couldn't be beautiful on the outside. A drug dealer, a drug dealing pederast, actually! And let's not forget the disease-spreading whore! Only in a world this shitty could you even try to say these were innocent people and keep a straight face. But that's the point. We see a deadly sin on every street corner, in every home, and we tolerate it. We tolerate it because it's common, it's trivial. We tolerate it morning, noon, and night. Well, not anymore. I'm setting the example. What I've done is going to be puzzled over and studied and followed... forever.

John Doe:Don't ask me to pity those people. I don't mourn them any more than I do the thousands that died at Sodom and Gomorrah.
William Somerset: Is that to say, John, that what you were doing was God's good work?
John Doe: The Lord works in mysterious ways.

John Doe:Become vengeance, David. Become wrath.

John Doe:What sick ridiculous puppets we are / and what gross little stage we dance on / What fun we have dancing and fucking / Not a care in the world / Not knowing that we are nothing / We are not what was intended.

John Doe: Wanting people to listen, you can't just tap them on the shoulder anymore. You have to hit them with a sledgehammer, and then you'll notice you've got their strict attention.

Comming soon:Serial Killing for Idiots!
Disclaimer: The contents of this post do not reflect those of The Acolyte,the management of this blog and and will not be held liable for legal expenses and loss of life that may be incurred as a result of trying to re-enact the incidents that have been recounted in this post.

Publcity for KBW!

I read M's post about the role of Kenyans abroad and at home in rebuilding Kenya.I am not going to comment about that post but about the publicity that it got the Kenyan blogosphere.KBW has been around for sometime now and has over 100 members.It has it's detractors too, I remember someone commenting on someone's blog "You people think KBW is all that!I don't think so!" or something to that effect.Must have been someone who got lost on their way to Mashada (I am sorry I couldn't resist!).
Anyway I tend to at times equate some people's blogs to houses,offices,bars,clubs or even churches.Some blogs like Nick's would be a house which is comfy;everyone knows each other and hangs out without the owner because he tends to post in patches.Some other blogs especially the more politically motivated ones seem to be more like a charged outdoor political rally with the Che Guevera's of the future railing against the powers that be, others to me seem like a meeting of future radical Maendelo Ya Wanawake movement members,others are more like an economics symposiums where if you don't have an undergraduate degree to the economist an undergraduate degree in a business related field the best thing you can do is leave,some blogs feel like peeking into a gals slumber party where everything about what the gals think is said,some being hang outs for the boys with every post making you think you are at your local bar,others are more like people having coffee at a poetry recital with everyone being a poet of sorts,some are more like that place in your neighbourhood where people would sit outside and talk about what's going on with them aka jobless corner; there are so many different kinds of blogs that I can't even go into them all.I would say that my blog is alot like a bachelor pad where 2 dudes live one quiet,chilled out and kinda eccentric and the other guy is a shoot from the hip,say it like it is and old school kinda person.
As for the publicity congrats to all who were featured in The Standard article but I am comfortable with how my blog is the present level of exposure.I can't imagine seeing something like this in global voices.

Global Voices Online » Blog Archive » Sometimes people make me want to.... (No Comments)
Sunday, January 22, 2006 at 10:56 pm

[…] Finishing a post seems to be an uphill task. Here Acolyte writes about how he gets tired trying to appeal to logic and reason when debating with people that and having appeals for peace rebuffed. He then states that he has come with a radical solution to deal with dissenters that he goes on to illustrate. […]

Anyway the KBW is so large now that I gave up trying to visit all blogs and it doesnt help that some blogs have no schedule of posting so you could visit it daily for a week and find nothing then the one day you miss you find you are rolling in at number 25 (yes Nick I am talking about you!) and there are some blogs that just don't do anything for me not that they are poorly written or anything but I just don't feel them at all.
Anyway even if you were not mentioned in that article take heart because it means that we as KBW are making an impact for Kenya out there.
ps:Just read about the building that toppled over in Nairobi.That's so sad.It seems people never seem to learn from similar disasters of the past.Are we destined to repeat our mistakes ad infinitum?

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Sometimes people make me want to....

This is my third post of today?I know you are wondering because you can only see one post for today.This is because they are times that I start writing a post and then the muse that inspired me goes for a jaunt without telling me when she will be back and I am left hanging.But I was talking to someone the other day and they inspired this post that will actually be finished.
When I talk to people and debate issues the people I respect most even those with whom I we do not reach consensus are those who make use of logic and deductive reasoning.Here is an everyday example
"All men are liars!"- vindictive gal
"hmmmmm what makes you say that?"- Aco
"They just are!"- vindictive gal
"Have you ever thought of taking a job
with the census bureau?"- Aco
"Huh??Why?"- vindictive gal
"Well for you to say all men are liars
you must have met and talked to and know
all men to come to that hypothesis.So if
the census bureau hired you they wouldn't
have to send out all those people during
census time and would pay you instead."
"Now you're talking badly!" vindictive gal
"Oh come to think of it how many lies
does a man have to tell for him to be
a liar?I mean you have told a few white
lies in your life.Does that make you a
liar?"- Aco
Deep furrows appear in gal's brow
and she frowns.
"Arggggh!You're just complicated!"
(gal storms off!)
-All this before I asked her exactly what
constitutes a lie!
Okay I agree I could have come up with a better example but I know you have all met some people who stick to some belief or theory that flies in the face of sense and logic.And despite all evidence showing the weakness of the theory stick to it like a life boat.Usually what I tell these people is let us agree to disagree and leave it at that but some of them refuse like a KBW blogger who knows themselves.And yes I know that I am not always right so when someone comes up with a better more firm arguement I either concede or use the line above.But for those who refuse to capitulate or my olive branch, this is what will happen next time:

So there you have it!How to deal with obtuse people.Can't wait till class on Thursday, haki ya mungu atanijua!
Disclaimer: The Acolyte,management of this blog and will not be held liable for the consequence that occur from reading the contents of this post!