Thursday, April 20, 2006

Pet peeves part 2

Here's more pet peeves from the cauldron!
26.Soap Operas - Weak ass acting and even weaker plots.I mean how can someone think about opening a door for 3 episodes?
27.Oprah - I think she is an Alien here brainwashing women into becoming drones for her plan to take over earth.Plus when the hell are you going to marry Steadman?
28.Crying babies - Babies can cry long and hard.It's irritating and they don't have an off switch!
29.My Humps by Blackeyed Peas - This song song sounds nice the first time round but after getting several hundred hours of radio and club play you realise how stupid it is.Peep these weakass lyrics....
30.Those Indians in Kenya who treat their Kenyan employees like shit - Those dudes are bastards and they wonder why when they are robbed cops and wanainchi act least bothered.Curry eating bastards!
31.Those missionaries who come to spread the gospel to Kenya - We have our own missionaries bitch!We know you are here for a free holiday and for bragging rights for "saving the savages."Do something constructive like praying for all the heathens,pagans and gays in your own damn country you pale ass modafockas.
32.Those geriatric bastards who think being old entitles them to leadership - Just because you are old it doesnt make you wise.Rocks are old and are still as stupid as heck, move over it's time for new ideas and new blood.Such people make me want to ressurect the tradition of taking the old to the forest where hyenas would eat them.
33.Megalomaniacal watchmen - I am sure those of you who live in Nai have met such watchies.The kind who decide to make your life hard because they can or because you are a gal who declined their offer of soup from the kiosk.Also those damn watchies who wait for you to park your car and walk 50 metres before they tell you "mzee hujaweka gari vizuri songesha".Also the ones who come running when you park and tell you that they will look after your car only to be absent when your hubcaps are jacked by parkies or the ones you hire for night duty and sleep through your house being robbed.But I am not hating on all watchies there are some very good ones out there too!
34.People who are too hard harded to listen to advice - Have you ever met those people whose pride and arrogance will not let them take advice from people who know best.I think the best situation to illustrate this situation was one of our KBW ladies who was suppossed to be going for a bash and the driver of the car thought the directions he had in his head were better then the gprs system that came with the car, needless to say she didn't make it to the bash!
35.People who think that violence is the only and best solution - This mostly applies to guys but I have also met girls like this who don't hesitate to get into a scrap if things go their way.
36.Bad cooks who don't realise that their food is bad - What I wonder is don't these people ever taste their own cooking?Or have they damaged their tastebuds beyond recovery?Ironic thing is that these are the people who will heap your plate and even give you some to take home!I once recall being served a plate of something masquerading as a meal, I took one bite (okay for the sake of my teeth i didnt bite but shove a spoonfull into my mouth ) and swallowed.I think the tears that rolled down my cheeks from the pain looked like tears of joy, the chef asked me what I thought and why I wasn't eating anymore.I told her the first bite was so heavenly that one bite was all one had to experience or something of that sort while I made an escape plan.
37.Dudes who pee in the wide open - I know holding it in can be hard but if you must do it in public find a gas station or a bush!
38.People with verbal diarrhea - Just because I don't talk much that doesn't mean that I want to know about your family, love life, spirituality, health problems etc. I was enjoying my silence, keep the convo to the weather and price of gas!
39. Movies that are all special effects and no script - How in the world do you use $30 M on special effects and not hire a decent crew of script writers?I am sure we all know movies like this that we can watch without volume.
40. Waiters who try to screw you on the tab - I know most people who have gone drinking with a clique have experienced this. The greedy waiter who come round 4 adds an extra beer to the tab in lieu of asking for a tip!Well punk, you can't screw a proffesional drinker!
41.Butchers who try to screw you over - These bastards have loads of tricks from the thumb on the scale to adding fat and bone to your meat.For every trick you find they have another 2.
42.Hanyees that play the same music over and over - I used to love going for Rock at the Carnivore but when they started playing the same songs almost every Wednesday for 2 years in a row it began to feel more like going for soul.Needless to say I stopped going.
43.People who treat pets like babies - These are the people who dress their pets, carry them around, give them mineral water, talk to them constantly, take them to hairdressers and on vacation.Much as you would like it to be true, you didnt carry that dog in you for 9 months!Let it live like a dog not a furry baby!
44.People who follow fashion blindly - We have all seen people who wear clothes that dont suit their build at all just because other people have been wearing those same clothes and it's all the rage.We all cant pull off certain looks, not even me!
45. Chics who think that every guy wants to get into their panties - I am sorry ladies much as you may be fly or think that you are; some of us are actually just asking for directions and nothing more.
46. Kung-fu movies without asian people in them - I am sorry if that sounds racist but some of the best movies ever have asian people in them if not in the front of the character then behind it choreographing the action ie Yuen Wo-Ping in the Matrix series.
47. Those people who think you have a mental problem because you are not married and are in no rush to do so - Yes marriage can be a great thing but not everyone wants to get married and not everyone is destined to (women far outnumber men in this world). Plus we are not pining away in our singlehood, we have fun lives as singles!
48.Guest who dont get the point that it is time to leave! - I am sure we have all had those guests who despite all our verbal cues do not get the message that we are hinting that it is about time they left thus forcing us to give them the verbal hee ho!
49.Houses that are a public safety hazard - I am sure some of us have friends who are so untidy that when you enter the house you think that you hear things creeping around the chaos that is the sitting room and that you think that if you explore the mould growing on dishes in the sink you could find the cure to bird flu!
50.The fact that I think that I have 50 more pet peeves - I have come to the conclusion that I am a morose bastich!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

My pet peeves part 1

1.Emotionally needy people - I get tired trying to tell people they are not as ugly,fat or dumb as they think they are. I tell you twice at most!I am not an emotional tampon!
2. People who whine - I have no problem with your expressing your disatisfaction with something. But when you do it ad nauseum and to make things worse you are doing nothing to correct what it is you are complaining about you are asking for a bitch slap.
3.People who take pride in their ignorance - Have you ever asked someone about something that may eventually affect them ie Immigration matters and they go like, "I don't bother with such!" Another good reason for a bitch slap!
4.People who undertake complex undertakings without planning - How the hell do you plan to drive long distance but dont bother to get a puncture fixing kit, AA, jumper cable and the other emergency stuff then you want Aco to help you out?Or put a down payment on a house yet you dont even have a steady job and have no contingency plan for in case you cant make payments.Dumbass Mofos!
5.Dancefloor vultures - My guy sneaking up on a mama on the dancefloor and rubbing your crotch on her sans invitation is not a good way to introduce yourself!
6.Bar vultures - These are those mamas who you start talking to near the bar and then they think that coz you are talking to them you have to buy them a drink.My dear I am just making conversation, besides every sucker buys mamas drinks on the first night.You have to prove yourself worthy before I buy you a drink.Also just because you are the pal of the mama I was talking to does not earn you a drink much as it doesnt earn me a free shot at the goods.Buy your own damn drinks!
7.Tribal imperialists - It is a good thing to be proud of what tribe you came from but that is no excuse to think that you are superior and treat people from other tribes like crap and not associate with them. And we wonder why Kenya isnt doing as well as it could.
8.One dimensional people - I dislike people who can only talk about one or two things and to make things worse can't even do it well. I had a workmate who used to talk about 3 things work, women and football. Do you know how much it sucks hanging with a pal outside the office and them going on about office matters (argh!!!), it got boring about him talking about the mamas he had shagged, was planning to shag or was dreaming of shagging (ie Halle Berry) and then when it came to soccer. Woooiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!This man was an enemy of foootball this guys football knowledge only extended two years back!Ask him about Tony Adams or John Barnes and the dude was lost!This was his idea of why Arsenal would win the league," have you seen Fabregas that kid can play!And Flamini is a haste!"Nothing about tactics, fixtures or the effect of European soccer and upcoming transfers!But he was tolerable once someone had a few beers in them and since he was buying the beers........
9.Gold Diggers and undercover Gold Diggers - If you go after a man because of what he has and not who he is then you are a gold digger, that is all I am going to say!
10.Dudes who dandia you for pints but never buy when their day comes! - These bastards always have an excuse when it is their turn but when you are absent they talk about how the pints flowed!Bastards!
11.People who beat women - Unless a chic is threatening your life or your crown jewels you have no right to take your first to her at all!Words should be enough for you to solve your differences, if not walk away!
12.Chics who stay with dudes who beat them and treat them like crap - If you have the ability to leave an abusive relationship but you stay, you have no sympathy from me.I know someone is going to say it isn't that easy, well I think it is and I dont care!
13.People who lie for the sake of lying - I am sure we all know some people like that. People who lie for no purpose whatsover!It is so irritating!
14.Rapists and child molestors - I believe there is a special place in hell for them.Let me not start ranting on this.
15.Women who kill their children - Mother is the name for God on the lips of all children.If you can kill what you carried in your womb for nine months and went through hours of labour to bring onto this earth then a special evil runs through your brains.
16.People who abuse animals - God placed us one earth as stewards of all creation.So it galls me when some people use the power we were given over creation to make animals suffer ie dog fights, overworking animals, mutilating animals.
17.Chics who wear revealing clothes then are self conscious the whole day - My dear did you not look in the mirror before you left home?
18.People who can't hold their liqour - I hate those kubaffs who go catch pints and then get high start throwing up all over, bouting and all sorts of other drama.If you can't handle your liqour stop drinking!
19.Dead beat dads - Any man can be a daddy but it takes a real man to be a father. If you cant take the heat then dont put any buns in the oven!
20.Chics who have kids with dead beats - You could tell that he was a dead beat and you had a kid with him anyway!Too bad for you!
21.Obese people - I am sorry no actually I am not.Get you lazy ass up!Diet and sukuma weights and treadmill!
22.People who use the name of God to take advantage of people - We see such people on TV every day esp Sundays.Your love gift in exchange for health,wealth and wisdom.There is a special place for you too.
23.Christian fundamentalists - Just because you read your Bible word for word without understanding it or applying it doesn't make your right!It just makes you an intolerant nut!
24.Muslim fundamentalists - Just because you read your Koran word for word without understanding it or applying it doesn't make your right!It just makes you an intolerant nut who blows things and himself up!
25.Nosy people - Why do you want to know who I am, where I am from, where I live, why I live there etc.It isnt any of your damn business...
Part 2 coming soon!

Still room for more!

Hey people these are the blog topics that I have so far that have made the cut!
1.Sleeping Attire - Stunuh
2.My pet peeves - Shiroh
3.Life in the "ville" - Devious one
4. "Things that make ACO" - Nick
5.How the Acolyte intends to break his celibacy (with details)! - Mocha!

So 5 more slots!I will start with the easiest one....My pet peeves!Coming soon.......

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

The people's choice!

I have several papers and a presentation weighing down on me this week.So my mind may not be able to produce one of my usual stunning, wonderful, deeply insightful and humorus posts that you all know and love!So instead what I am going to do is to take the first acceptable 10 topics offered by you bloggers and readers out there and write posts on them.Okay people get cracking!

Monday, April 17, 2006

The Creation of The Acolyte

For those of you who don't like reading stories, please scroll down to the last paragraph!
In a universe millions of light years away exist alien races whose intelligence and development is eons ahead of us.They have evolved to a stage where they have developed powers that make them virtual gods.The names of these two races are the Waliotulia and Wenyekuzusha. The ethos that drives these two races has been in opposition for thousands of years and they have often gone to war time and time again!

Their power wielded in these wars has been enough to jump start the sun several times over.The alien race of Hawajiwezi was decimated when the orbit of their planet placed them in the path of their cosmic fallout.After seeing this mindless loss of life the council of elders for both planets met at a neutral site.To end this war they decided that they would place the seed of both of their individual powers with an individual from a neutral race.When that individual came of age and realised the full extent of his abilities, his dual heritage would place him in the perfect position to act as the peacekeeper of both races.Both races sent out their heralds who flying serveral hundred times the speed of light scoured the universe.Their search brought them to the planet earth.Human beings were the perfect race as their primal biological and spiritual state made them the perfect vessels for the hybrid essence.

The Heralds of Waliotulia and Wenyekuzusha approach Earth

It was 28 years ago to this day when they approached the earth and at this same point a child was being born.They imbued this child with their respective essences and returned to their galaxies.The primitive nature of human beings and the fact that both races vowed to interfere as little as possible ensures that it will be upto this human to discover his destiny.Who was this blessed human being?Why of course myself, The Acolyte!Over time my powers have manifested themselves in two different personas; one being more like the tranquil, peaceful easy going Waliotulia and the other being more like the imperialistic, dark
Wenyekuzusha and my everyday human self stuck in the middle!

Dark Acolyte

Benevolent Acolyte
ps:Time to lay off the Cartoon Network!

Anyway enough of me regaling you with my tales of greatness.One more year gone and I must admit that in some ways I am at a totally different place then I was last year.I have made new friends and lost old ones, learned new things and unlearned old things.Do I feel older?Not really because physically I feel great (thanks to lots of gym and walking!) plus it's good to see the plans that I had for my life coming to fruition as one year ago I felt that my life was in a holding pattern.Anyway for you who have been visiting my blog, Thanks a lot!And Happy Acolyte Day!