Thursday, October 26, 2006

Truth Is Relative

This is a draft post that was supposed to go up earlier this week but for some reason I ended up doing another post and leaving this one in the vault, since it is somewhat time sensitive I thought I might as well share it now...

I bet that was the phrase that was going through Aleksey's head as he did the video resume seen below. The dude's ego and stretching the truth has earned him an entry on Wikipedia, nationwide media attention and our laughter.Pay attention people, this is how not to pad your resume and how not to apply for a job!

Here are some comments about him on one of the blogs that broke the story;

Now I watched this with no sound...which is probably to my benefit as I would lose fewer braincells that way. Anyway...I like the comment on the bricks cause you never actually see that it's him...just that it is someone breaking the bricks.
And did we notice the shots when he was playing never actually see that he was playing someone else. All those balls look like they were just bounced over the net to him to hit.

What a waste of space.

Posted by: Janice

Someone needs to make a list of Aleksey Vayner jokes in the spirit of the Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer ones.
Posted by: Anonymous

If you can conceive it and believe it, you can put it on your CV
Posted by: Steve Meltzer

I think this guy should leave the country and go into the european porn business, he looks just like Rocco Siffredi!!!
Posted by: brennanp

I think some of us should be nice and become friends with him on Myspace. I unvolunteer myself as I have lost my account password!

Someone went out of his way to make a random quotes generator just for Alexey that has jewels like this;

"Aleksey was told once by God he could not walk on water, after he mastered that God said, yes but you are big and have slow reaction time. Aleksey then had his way with God"

"Aleksey turned down a role to play James Bond to spend more time writing his memoirs."

And yes, I have too much free time!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006


This is what you have all been waiting for......a collabo from the Dynamic Duo of The Acolyte and Nick!It doesn't get any better than this!

John had come of age, his voice had started becoming deeper, he had become taller, stronger, discovered the soft parts of girls were for more than hitting and he had discovered one other relations!

He found his loins stirring whenever he watched the video vixens writhing invitingly, dipping it low and doing the dutty wine as he watched Channel O. In fact the more the more frenzied the writhing became, the harder the stirring in his loins became! He viewed girls in his class in a whole new light..sure he pretended to ignore them…sure he acted indifferent and distant…but his mind had evil thoughts!He found that he spent more time looking at girls’ chests instead of faces when they talked to him. But he was still ignorant when it came to bedroom matters until he met Mike.

Mike took him to a quiet cyber cafe. He sat them down by a computer and typed in a url pretty fast and what popped up on screen made John draw a deep breath and his heart missed a beat..

He was amazed and overjoyed! He almost exploded with delight there and then…all of a sudden the Jackson’s “ What a feeling What a feeling" song came to mind he was just about ready to erupt!

"This is what I have been missing," he exclaimed out loud. It was one thing reading about it…another imagining-as he so often did as he had his moments in the bathroom. One of those “polishing the rocket” moments.
Clicking on different thumbnails would call up short videos of different erotic encounters that John didn't even know were humanly possible. Mike kept changing from vid to vid sometimes forwarding through the campy dialogue but John wanted to savour every moment. Occasionally other patrons would hear the sound of John slapping Mike’s hand and begging him “ ebu u chill, I finish!”

Mike wasn’t too sure what kind of beast he had just unleashed. John had obviously been turned on…at one point he held onto Mike’s jeans to which he reacted “Wee bana, it’s of how?!” He was scared for John who looked like he was on heat and would mount anything. John was blushing, and his grunting was louder than the speakers and began thrusting his crotch at the desk . John didn’t even care, he had found his sweet forbidden fruit and wanted a big bite! When Mike announced that money had run out and it was time to go…John was deeply depressed.

When John went home that day he was a new man. That evening he pounced on his pillow and violated it with new found positions and zeal as he sang “when I hit your G-Spot baby I wanna hear you moan and groan in delight!”. Again another “polishing” moment ensued in the bathroom. Soap was used to cleanse out his inner demons via his outer demon. Shaken and stirred, battered and beaten John and Johnie went to sleep.

The weekend finally came and John went to church with his born again sister.He normally groused about having to go to church with her, but since he knew he would get to go to a cyber cafe with her after the service he was to his parents' surprise rather willing that Sunday.

The service couldn’t have been any longer for John that day. Time was moving at a snail's pace. When it was over he was annoyed that his big sister was exchanging niceties with the rest of the Worship Team after church instead of leaving.
The next service began and John's sister said good bye to her friends and told him that it was time to leave. John's sister had a boyfriend who was on a missionary trip in Canada so every Sunday she would go to the cyber cafe to write him long e-mails about what was going on in their church and how much she missed him but was being comforted by God's grace in his absence (that is what he recalled when he peered over her shoulder to see what she was writing). Not to mention he had read about her regretting some incident that took place while they were picnicking at Tigoni, she had felt wrong and unholy about certain frolickings that day but surprisingly her guilt had been overcome by pining for him, hence she was waiting for him to return anxiously. John did not know what first, second or third base was, but he knew his sister had those merit badges because somewhere in her email she had said “she couldn’t wait for him to return to pin it on her!”
He had intended to ask his scout master if those were also applicable to Scouts or just Girl Guides!

Oh, how Maggie longed to be cupped once again, she missed being nibbled on, she missed being caressed and fondled and…She missed the rushed moments and the slow…the gazing into each other’s eyes…how he stroked her hair…she wanted to be taken.
Oh wait…back to John…

At the moment he had his focus on his new-found joy that made him feel dirty and unholy yet seemed to liberate the demons that he harboured deep within him. He couldn’t wait to log on and get turned on.

They walked into the cyber cafe which was half empty with soft christian music wafting from the speakers attached to the wall. The cashier greeted John's sister warmly and directed her to a computer.This was his chance. John gathered his guts and spoke up; asking for a computer for himself. Indeed he was a new man.

His sister looked at him then thought it would be good to keep him busy as she typed her missals to her boyfriend….the love of her life…the man she had given her flower to…the man who she wanted to sire her twins …and pluck every string in her violin over and over again!

Oh wait…back to John…

The day he had been waiting for had come and John could hardly stop himself from trembling with excitement. He sat down at his computer which was on the other side of the room away from his sister and other eyes that may intrude on his private moment.
He thought hard and remembered the address that Mike had typed in the browser and hurriedly keyed it in.

The action was so hot that he hunched over the monitor, sweat forming on his brow which was folded in concentration. He started licking and smacking his lips. Shifting his weight in the chair. His crotch seemed to awaken and was bulging in E-PrICk proportions. He needed some form of release. His hands were fidgety…on the mouse…rubbing on his legs… on the keyboard… pressing against his “demon” as he tried to restrain himself. He clicked on various icons…as he discovered various categories..he couldn’t believe what he was seeing and hearing…he particularly enjoyed the ebony beauties…he did not know what to do…He had seen a whole new world with new horizons to pursue…and trust me if push came to shove he was gonna be a shooting star…he’ll have “come” so far... and cant go back to where he used to be…. He felt an Armageddon-like uprising. His heart was beating faster…his blush had imprinted a smirk on his face that had guilt smeared all over his face. He needed sexual healing…he was hot just like an oven, he couldn’t hold it much longer…he was being carried away by the waves of desire which were rising and rising.

"John! What are you doing!" he heard his sister's shrill voice say. He turned around shocked, wondering what the problem was. He wiped the drool at the side of his mouth as it dawned on him that the entire cyber had their eyes on him. No more Gospel music in the air, just a defeaning silence and what sounded to be…wait…his speakers! It was then that he heard the animal moans of the Latina chick being worked on by the Black stud that he was watching, loud and clear over the speakers. Quickly he logged off. He could barely look at his livid sister and the elderly cyber-cafe attendant that had baked him every birthday cake since he was 5. She had an expression of total annoyance and disappointment.

To add to this his woody was as obvious as a windsock on a desserted but windy air-runway. He walked out head held low. The other head pointing in the general direction of the door, he arched backwards and even putting his hands in his pocket couldn’t hide it!

John had become a victim of H.I.P.P.I.E ( Horniness Increasing People's Problems ImmEnsely)!

Let us know if you want to know what happened when Angie became a victim of Hippie!
This is a joint Acolyte and Nick 2006 production.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Caveat Emptor!

Since a few bloggers here and there have done posts about what they will not put up with when it comes to dating, I have done one about what ladies who choose to date me will have to get used to. I come as I am so buyer beware as the saying goes!

1. Quit Trying To Change Me, It Won't Work!
There are certain things I have been doing for 20 plus years and they give me favourable results and I will continue to do them. My mother tried for those 20 plus years and she failed so please don't even waste your time. I am not a project, I will change on my own timetable!
So I will continue to sleep with music playing in the background penda usipende!

2. I Don't Do Church
Many budding romances have been brought to a grinding halt by myself when these words have been uttered, "Let me take you to church!"
I always think a "No Thanks," should be enough of an answer. Start asking why and a long discussion that will inevitably lead to arguement will follow, it also doesnt help that I am not as ignorant about christianity as most people would think. If I wanted my soul "saved" I don't need a date to do it, not to add the fact that some of the so called church going folk I know have more issues than I do.

3. You snooze, You lose
When it comes to women, most of the time I have a short attention span. So if I'm trying to get with you and you act the fool by listening to your single bitter pal by playing hard to get to the max don't act surprised when I move on.
As the saying goes, there isn't only one fish in the sea.

4. Me Time
Many women think that once you get with them, that you should turn your schedule upside down to accomodate them. I will accomodate you but there are things that remain sacred (unless it is an emergency).
One of these things is me time.
There are certain set times of the week when I prefer to be alone and do my own thing. More often than not it's something relaxing like watching Smallville/ Heroes/ the 4400/ Ultimate Knockouts/ Champions League while drinking a cold beer. During this time I unwind and think of the nature of the universe and my place in it.

5. I Don't Like Kids
Many women I date think that since I am of marrying age I should have some sort of paternal instinct going. After looking at the bland expression on my face when they point out how cute a child is, they get the point real soon, real fast!
This doesn't mean that I go around stomping kids, I think that kids are a blessing especially when other people are blessed with them!

6. I Don't Do Long Phone Calls
I have often heard of chics talking about talking to their boyfriends for hours on end, I dont do that at all. I think it is the result from coming from a country where pre-paid cell phone charges were through the roof and the fact that I tend to be straight and to the point.
My conversations tend to revolve around the following who, when, where, why and how. The only time I go out of my time to stretch conversations is if you are out of state or country and even then I use a hands free so I can do something with my hands.
So if I dont spend hours on the phone with you, don't disappointed. I prefer face to face conversations

7. I Don't Play Games
I am sure most guys have been in those situations where you ask your chic what is wrong and they give you the usual "nothing!"
You know what I will act like it is nothing and life will go on. I have been in such and when the volcano blew, I looked up innocently and said, "I asked you and you said nothing so life went on."
I am just waiting for a mama to put me on the bilas diet, she will discover she is dealing with a man who gets on the bilas train willingly!
The only people who should be bembelezwad are children! We are both adults and should be able to communicate in a mature manner.

8. Your Pals Are Your Pals
Just because I am dating you doesn't mean that I will agree with the Spice Girls song, "If you want to be my lover, you gotta get with my friends..."
I will make an effort to get along with your friends but at the end of the day they are your friends so don't expect Aco to be going out for nights with your gals. It doesnt work like that for me. Your pals are your pals and my pals are my pals.

9. I Expect You To Keep A Clean House
No this isn't some sort of sexist request. If you read my blog you do know about my dirty sink phobia, one that is being set on edge by room mates who leave dishes in the sink and another who decides to wash her face in the bathroom sink without washing her ring of dirt while at the same time having the same aversion to deo that a vampire has to holy water.
Other than that I make an effort to keep a clean house (nothing covered by dust) and I expect a woman I am with to do the same.
Besides if you can't keep your house clean, it brings up doubts about your personal hygiene.

10. I Am Not A Sugar Daddy
Time and again Kenyan chics abroad have complained about how Kenyan men are stingy because they wont help them pay their bills. If that is what is construed as generosity than call me scrooge!
I will buy gifts, I will take you out to dates and pay the tab most of the time till we reach the going dutch stage but your bills are your bills. If something goes wrong and you can't pay, I will give a hand. But don' t think you can go buckwild at Bed Bath and Beyond or present me with your tuition tab and think that Aco will foot that bill.
Once you start eating into my finances in a big way, I will dump you like a hot rock! I'm sorry but that's how it is in Aco world.

11. I Am An Undercover Geek / Nerd
I am on the cutting edge when it comes to most tech developments, I have over 4 e-mail addresses, I am a member of more websites and forums I can count, I watch cartoons and watch lots of fantasy (Lord of the Rings) and Sci Fi Movies (Superman Returns).
Not to say that my life revolves around them but I do more than the usual guy thing of watching sport (which I also do) and drinking beer (which I also do).
I also try and keep up with what is going on around the world so I expect to have someone who I can converse with about such things (Walmart is not a place where tools for fixing Walls are sold!).
There is more to communication than chatting and gossip.

12.I Have A Somewhat Big Ego
I don't think I am better than everyone else but I do have a big opinion when it comes to me and that makes me sound arrogant.
After all if I dont believe in myself who will? As a result I find it hard to put up with people who have poor self esteem. All my life I have found that I am my best source of encouragement so I keep at it most of the time.
It also doesn't help that I am sarcastic most of the time!

You have been warned, so dont be shocked to find yourself in the following scenario;

Girl : Aco, I think you should start wearing trousers like this (shows latest whackass popular design)
Aco: (looks up) Maybe some other time
Girl: (frowns) Okay. What are you doing tommorrow? Let's go for evening service!
Aco: I'm sorry, that's personal time for me besides I don't do church unless someone is being dispatched up or downstairs.
Girl: (frowns even more) Aco! You are so hard headed! (storms out in anger)
Aco: (chases after girl) Stop, what's wrong?!
Girl: Hmph!! Nothing! I'm going home!
Aco: Okay, drive safe (waves with broad smile on face)
Girl: Drives off.

3 hours later Girl's phone rings.
Aco: Hi
Aco:How are you? Did you get to where you were going?
Girl: (bland voice) Yeah......(expects Aco to begin grovelling)
Aco:So any big plans?
Girl: Yeah, we are going to see Angie's new baby with the girls. Do you want to come? (expects Aco to say yes to make up for it)
Aco: I may have to take a rain check but I'll see about a gift.
Girl: Uh ok (sounding kinda pissed off)
Aco: I have to go, have fun!
Girl: WTF? (wondering why the convo was so brief)

Fast Forward 1 week later
Girl: Thanks for dinner Aco.
Aco: You're welcome and thank you for the company.
Girl: Ah by the way I am going back to school in the next 2 weeks (sidles over to Aco)
Aco: (in typical man fashion oblivous of what is going to happen) That's cool at least you'll be done soon!
Girl: but there is one small thing that I need from you.
Aco: Okay, shoot!
Girl: Could you give me $4,000 for school fees?
Aco: I thought you were working?
Girl: I was but you know how expensive it is being me.
Aco: (raises left eyebrow ala The Rock) Seems it is, sorry but I don't have that kind of money lying around.
Girl: Please Aco, I am sure you can find something.
Aco: Would you look at the time? I need to be in bed.

Epilogue: The relationship ended with Aco being accused of all the faults above plus being a typical stingy Kenyan man.
So for those of you who try to get with The Acolyte you have been warned!

Monday, October 23, 2006

Don't Forget Where You Come From......

Nothing like a good story to start the week...

There were these 3 ladies who met during a conference held by an international ngo. These 3 women were all living with AIDS. They got to talking and decided that they could play a role in fighting the affects and effects of the disease.

They were all from different walks of life and had different education levels, ranging from high school to advanced university.

They started an organisation and chose the most outgoing lady to be the head (the one with the high school education) while the rest chose to work from the background.

They started out with a very small office in Nairobi's CBD and two other sites, one in the slums where they feed orphans and the other office in Nyanza province where they would help women and orphans.

Their work was seen by potential donors who were impressed and as a result they were able to expand their organisation via the funding they got. With this funding they managed to move office to a larger premises on Ngong Road, start a small pharmacy and acquire vehicles for field work.

As a couple of years passed one of the ladies left for the U.S where she got married. By this time the number of staff had risen and each of the two remaining founders had brought in staff member who they thought would be loyal to them. With the increasing amount of partisanship the other lady who used to write alot of the grants to donors left the organisation to start her own but passed away from HIV related complications shortly.

The organisation was still in existance as the defacto head was still present but without the restraining influence of the other two ladies she began to run the organisation as she saw fit. She used donors' money to educate two of her children in the States, salaries for employees were reduced, abritrary sackings became the issue of the day, firing employees she saw as loyal to the other founders were sacked and replaced by those from her tribe (who were often inferior workers aka positive tribalism), she gave contracts for projects (ie getting food for orphans) to her friends at a exhorbitant price so she could get kickbacks and even brought in an accountant who would facilitate her embezzlement.

For sometime the organisation continued running just fine but over time employee morale began to dip and those who could leave did while the rest remained just doing enought to get along. As the donors began to ask for feedback from the money they had been giving they noticed that they were getting far less bang for their buck. It also didnt help that the individuals they had become used to corresponding with had been let go and their replacements were unable to establish the earlier rapport. So donations began to reduce drastically. From what I hear is that many employees are going to be let go at the end of their contracts, many projects have stalled and even the orphans they were supporting are running out of food.

This is the kind of thing that happens when people forget their vision and origin. This lady forgot what she was supposed to be doing, who she was suppossed to be helping and just decided to indulge her hunger for power and money instead and you can see the results. It will be only a matter of time before the organisation grinds to a halt.
And yes this is a true story.

Seems I'm not the only one who should stop using inappropriate language.

What's up with this whole Swaleh Mdoe drama? Is it a way of the government to punish KTN? Even if somehow Bwana Mdoe has broken immigration law, I do believe that the whole issue could be handled in a far more tasteful and covert manner then it is being handled now. For one, Swaleh is a public personality and is far less of a flight risk than a somali picked up in Eastleigh. Also why aren't charges being pressed? I think there is far more going on than is being let on.