Sunday, December 31, 2006

Out with the old, In with the new!

I think this year has been a lot like a hill. It was hard to begin with but once I got over the hump it was over really fast and effortlessly.

There is so much that has happened this year for me in the blogosphere and in the real world. Ranging from being on the bilas train to dating and back again, thinking school would never end and now being free. I am in the process of writing a series of posts to sum up the high points and low points.

Blog pals have been met, made and lost. Of course one of the major points in blog relations was my international incident and the "Battle for Freedom" that followed. At that point I knew who my real friends were and who weren't, but those are details I will go into in my post summarising the year.

New Year's Resolutions?

1. Excercise - Dating the Derailer made me move from a 4 pack to 2 pack. Her idea of spending time was going for takeout add to this how time intensive dating her, school and work was led to me falling off my gym regimen. So when Jan comes round it's back to the grind!

2. Get stable financially - I don't have any crushing debts, Thank God! But I want to be living on my own by April or May at least. I have to do my non paying internship first so that is why I am giving myself a bit of a window.

3. Become a teetolater - I rarely go to clubs and I don't drink much at home unless I am celebrating something. So that isnt going to be a hard resolution to adhere to, but I plan on joining Mocha and being alcohol free!

4. Begin Foundations For Long Term Plans - In a few years I want to set up a non profit agency, a foundation and a company. I do have a registered company name back home, but it's of not much use here. So next step is to save up to register an LLC. I don't plan to work 9 - 5 forever.

5. Work On My Swahili Sanifu - Please note I did not say swahili but swahili sanifu. I had began sprucing up my swahili sanifu by reading BBC in swahili but as pressure picked up my diligence suffered. So it's back to nguzo za swahili for me!

6.Cultivate A Close Group Of Kenyan Friends - When I was back home I was somewhat picky about my close friends. This has made it an uphill task here making friends because I am not around Kenyans much and when I am, most of the time when I encounter them it is at their worst.
I know those I have come across or heard of don't represent most Kenyans so I will take my time and see if I can make friends with some Kenyans who have their priorities and lives in check.

There they are my simple New Years' resolutions! Happy 2007 for ya'll and don't party too much!

Thursday, December 28, 2006

The Pregnant Pause

One of the most harrowing moments in a man's life is when a woman he has been having "adult relations" with comes to his apartment and sats these following words to him, "honey, I think I'm pregnant!"
Most women expect a man to be beside himself with joy, but it is usual an anti-climax that awaits the lady. Small beads of sweat may form on the man's forehead, his skin may turn a shade of gray, his throat may dry up and his voice may rise a note and his heart will start thumping at triple digit rates. In many cases he may sit down and then resolve to the contingency question, "Is it mine?"
You see unless a man was keen on father hood and had been planning on it, he will grasp at any straw to get out of it. You see for most men when they hear those 5 words they begin thinking of how they will deal with the 18 years ahead and the burden involved. While on the other hand most women think about how this is the fruit of their love.
But on the other hand there are those few men who have been put on that fatherhood pillory but due to the wonders of modern science they managed to escape. Their reaction really something to behold as we can see in the videos below!

To quote Wendy Williams, "What a whore!"

And one more time for the free men....The Remix!

ps: The Acolyte and the Management of this blog in no way condone dead beat fatherhood in any way, shape and form whatsover!

Friday, December 22, 2006

Mozilla Mangled My Musings

Mozilla hung with today's post so I am going to keep things brief. For some reason I have not been seeing as many christmas decorations as last year, that's great! At least some people are using their brains.

You all know that I am a good fan of beef. Well it seems after Donald Trump decided to pardon the current Miss America for her indiscretions and let her keep her crown citing second chances, Rosie O'donnel was not amused. She tore Donald Trump a new one on her show, The View. She said he has no business being a judge of morality since he has been unfaithful to women he has been with, has been bankrupt and is a "snake oil" salesman.
Needless to say he hit back! All the video needs is "Ether" by Nas playing in the background!

Have any of you heard Nameless' new song Karibia? Why is it as the musical arrangement that Nameless uses gets better, his lyrics get worse? How in the world does your song have a lyric going "Mahamjam zinapanda,mahamjam nikikuona,mahanjam zinapanda." At this rate his nephews and nieces will be writing his next lyrics. I know I sound like a hater but you know I'm being real.

I was looking at this picture from Scott Storch's birthday party. Dude always looks like he is isn't quite right upstairs but that isn't the subject. Do you see the chic on the far right? For all intents and purposes, she is naked. That brings me to the theory of the day, in hip hop land; women's amount of clothing is inversely porportional to the amount of clothing the men wear.

Anyway have a happy holiday and don't get too buckwild!

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Hard Faces, Hard Choices, Hard Reading and Hard Hitting Viewing

Once in a while when the mood strikes me, I like to listen to and watch dancehall videos. One interesting thing struck me. The women who sing have great bodies but their faces as are as hard as granite. Some of those women look like they could stare down a statue. Think I am kidding? Look at Lady Saw, Tanya Stephens and Cecile (okay she doesn't look that hard most of the time). It also made me realise how much Redsan jacks from ragga musicians.

Moving on, we men know that if you go out with a hot gyal (sorry couldn't resist) that you have to lay down your seniority or the vultures will swoop in. The thing is that for girls it is at most time so subtle that I wonder how women deal with it. My sister told of her disgust at how she went out with this guy once. The dude is one of those people who arent that good looking but know how to dress and seem to ooze money and machismo (love that word!). So whenever he goes out usually women give him the once over.
Anyway, my sister was out with him for the day when at one shop, this fly chic starts giving him the come hither look and running her had slowly through her $500 weave; lucky for her he wasnt interested. They get to where they were going to have coffee and another chic goes to the extent of turning her chair (she was in the table parallel to them) to face them. She then started giving those non-verbal cues for interest that women give men when they are interested. Needless to say my sister was kinda livid. You see you cant go around whupping women for doing things like that (okay you can but you'll be wearing an orange jumpsuite for sometime). How do you ladies out there deal with this kind of thing?

There is this blog that I came across the other day that made me say, "who gif dem a keyboard and computer? Me mind tyad after 30 mins an me kyant read no more. Dis blog is bloodclat and de writer a bombaclatt."
Okay I'm going to lay off the ragga videos and that blog. I know I got into beef with some people for saying that some blogs could be better, but I do think that these same bleeding hearts would agree with me if they read it. But anyway this is a free blogoshphere so I just won't read that blog unless I am in a masochistic mood.

Sorry Movie Buff and co, after seeing reviews for Rocky Balboa; I have decided that I am going to see it. I will tell you how it was!

Monday, December 18, 2006

Some People + The End Of An Era

The bumming days are here! Let me enjoy them before January checks in and I have to get off my ass.

On Saturday night I went out with my sis and 3 of her pals to a lounge in ATL. I don't go out to clubs all that much because of the sheer dregs of humanity you encountered. I met two exemplary cases. The other 2 guys we were with had dread locks, yes not locs like me; in fact there were quite a few people with locks and dread locks at that joint. We were kidding that maybe it was somewhere in the small print of the invite. Anyway this tipsy white dude starts making small talk with the two dudes, he at one point told them that they look like Milli Vanilli. He further on went to say that he doesn't talk to black people often but he's not scared of them or anything (sounds like the I have black friends defense if you ask me), I knew those two dudes were nice because they didn't call him out or anything. I think God has a plan for me because he never sends such idiots my way, I would have called him out real soon, real fast! But on the plus he did buy us Yeager Bombs. His pal was another piece of work! One of the dudes we were with has a thing for asian chics (yes, the black man - asian woman connection). So he says how hot he finds them and the other white dude goes on to say how much he loves them and how shagging them makes him feel like he has a big dick. Needless to say I was like free drinks be damned! I walked away. If these are the idiots I am going to meet in clubs, let me chill at digs or go for bashes with people who can handle their drink and keep their bigoted opinions to themselves.

Moving on! It's official! My days in the 'ville are now over! I am now a refugee until I get my own place. No more books, lectures and papers to write. In some way it is anti-climatic. I guess it will only hit me when I walk in May, that I am done. I got an A in another class to balance out my C in Quantitative Analysis, so the grades are safe! All in all, it wasnt that bad. I want to thank all of you who gave me encouragement when I was sick and tired of the whole school gig, my friends, family and last but not least; the big Guy upstairs! Now life moves on and I joint the adult world (shivers).

Happy Monday All!

Friday, December 15, 2006

Bah humbug! And Other Stories......

My disdain for Christmas is well known in the blogosphere. Last year my scoffing began rather early, as soon as I saw the first decorations go up. But this time round it seems people's fervor for Christmas has been quenched, maybe it's the bad economy or they could be planning a sudden ambush? Anyhow I was reading one of my many fave blogs and I came across this jewel that I want to share that sums up how I feel about some of these big holidays that are just turned into commercial spiels by the big corporations...

Stupid Commercials

I was watching football earlier today, and I couldn't help but notice all the annoying commercials, all essentially saying the same thing, BUY YOUR WOMAN ALOT OF EXPENSIVE SHIT. Look, the entire point of commercials is to peddle your product to the target demographic i.e. your audience. Are these advertisers stupid? They're not even selling a product, they are selling you the idea of gift giving. How thoughtful of them.

Here are the commercials I saw

1. Commercial for Lexus. Out in the driveway is a Lexus RX series SUV, with a red bowtie on it. 2 women scuttle outside and assume it's for them. One declares she knows it's for her because it's her favorite color. The other one thinks it's hers because she wanted something shiny for christmas.

2. Another Lexus commercial. Hubby blindfolds his wife and take her outside. in the driveway is a brand spanking new Lexus LS (Base price is well over 60 grand, fully loaded can surpass 80 grand) with a red bow on top. I guess that was her christmas present.

3. Kay jeweler commercial, some douche surprises his wife with a gold bracelet while they are watching TV, and at the end of the ad, the announcer states that sales start at a "mere $3500".

4. Another jewelry commercial, but this time it's Santa. Santa goes to the mall and picks out the most expensive diamond for Mrs. Claus. Takes said diamond to the North Pole to give Mrs Claus, she's all happy and asks how he knows what she wants, Santa winks into the camera.

5. Another jewelry commercial. This one almost seems like a demand. Announcer says "She's been good all year, why don't you do something for her for a change?" Some guy surprises his wife with diamonds. Nothing like subtle shaming language to get your point across.

Seriously, who are they selling this idea to? Who saw these commercials and ran out to buy an $80,000 vehicle as a present? Do men ever get gifts on Christmas?

A few weeks back I got an e-mail about Safaricom wanting to recruit engineers and other professionals to work in Kenya. Since I am not in any of the fields they wanted, I promptly trashed the email.
If I had examined the e-mail much closer I would have noticed some things that Ntwiga has mentioned in his blog. Important things like they do not specify the skill set, experience and positions they have available. It was just a blanket call for applicants. Seems someone went for an "interview" and it left a bad taste in their mouth. Do read Ntwiga's post for more details. This is professionalism at it's worst!
Frankly I think Safaricom need to style up and stop playing us for fools!

Anyway back to my irreverent self. Wendy Williams interviewed Carmen Bryan (Nas' Baby Mama) about her "guess who I slept with?" book aka tell all. I do love the way she skewered her, sprayed lysol on the book and called her out. I mean let's be honest, how do shag and tell?Such things need to be left behind closed doors where they happened! How does your only claim to fame be the people you slept with?!
Ps:Take a look at NY from Flavor of Love, her implants make it look like her chest is going to explode!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

A Kubaff, A Mboch and My worst grade....

This kubaff decided to go around UK spreading AIDS and in typical British fashion they had to highlight the fact that he was African. I have noticed that in British media they never fail to mention the fact that someone is African or Caribbean whenever someone of color is involved in an AIDS issue but don't seem to talk about it much whenever it is a white Briton,American or someone from another country.
So what happens?Everyone begins to connect Africans with AIDS.But on the other hand that kubaff needs to be arrested and put behind bars!This crap of people spreading AIDS willingly shouldn't be tolerated at all!But on the other hand some people sleep around so much that pin pointing exactly who gave it to you is a task and a half, so what happens is that everyone you slept with gets hauled in for testing?
I can imagine the drama at someone's office if the public health office call and tell the receptionist to ask you to report to your nearest clinic for HIV testing. Okay I do know that they are more tactful than that most of the time.
By the way, how easy are UK women? That dude looked like one hot mess in his leopard skin jacket!

On to today's theme song!I am sure most of us grew up with a house girl in the house. Their importance to Kenyans is vastly under appreciated. One only has to look at America where only the rich can afford to have hired help and have instead to use mod cons to get the work done and stay at home to look after their children for the formative years at least, if they want to go out they have to hire a babysitter or send their children to daycare which in many cases resembles a warehouse for children. Studies have proven that daycare is rarely beneficial for children, but back to the subject at hand. In Kenya if a mother gets a good house girl they can go back to work much faster after having children, give a bit more concentration to work and have a life outside their homes.
But in return few house girls get fair pay, are overworked and forced to live in poor conditions. Then of course there is always the ever present specter of seduction by the man or men of the house. I do recall a friend of mine whose mum would only hire very ugly old women to be the mboches of the house because they were a family of 3 teenage boys.
I do recall a friend of mine who told me how an aunt to his cousin came from upcountry with a pretty young girl to be their house maid. His cousin and the brother took one look at her and were delirious.
The next day without giving any reason the girl said she could not work in that house and went back with the aunt, what had actually happened is that the cousin and his brother had subjected the girl to some tag team action since she was sleeping in the room next to theirs and the aunt was sleeping downstairs.
I also had a neighbor whose wife used to travel often leaving him in town with their young children and the house girl. For some reason house girls never used to last in that house and the wife thought it was because they were bad workers. The truth was that he would bed them and when he got bored or they refused to be seduced he would fire them.
I am sure that we all know some other story like that of the abuse of domestic workers in Kenya, which is shameful because of the great service they do us as a society.

I got my lowest grade in grad school. A C grade. Yes a C in my uni is 75% and above so in one way I do feel less appalled. But what makes me smile is because it was in Quantitative Analysis. That is higher level statistics. Here you don't only solve the statistical quandry but you analyse the results and how they relate to your hypothesis. Memorising formulas ala 8-4-4 is of no help at all here! So the fact that this gentleman here who used to get Ds in high school math managed to get that grade is nothing short of a miracle. But on the other hand I do have the feeling I could have gotten a B if I put my head down a bit earlier. Oh well you live and you learn. Now to wait on the other grades to confirm that I am done with the 'ville!
Anyone remember this tune?
Someni vijana, someni kwa bidii; kisha kwa kusoma. Mtapta kazi nzuri sana!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Just About The Ladies!

I came across this article on the BBC website and it seems women are changing with the times. I mean when it gets to the level where some establishments that sell alcohol do not welcome large groups of women, then you know it is an issue. Another article I read had this bouncer who said drunk women are harder than men to deal with because despite him being far larger than them, they will still try and fight him and in the process of restraining them it is far easier to hurt a woman. He went on to say in his years some of the most violent acts he has seen by drunk people have been at the hands of women. I have this Kenyan chic pal whom I stopped clubbing with because she rarely failed to get into a fight or confrontation of sorts as soon as she had some alcohol in her. This thanksgiving the only fight I saw was between two chics. Not to say that men don't fight but this whole issue of women diving into the fray is somewhat disturbing!

Moving on we all know that a month or so ago, MYWO (Maendeleo Ya Wanawake Organisation), Kenya's national organisation for women had elections. For some reason or other I didn't read feminist blogs harping about it. Why wouldn't they? This was the perfect example for women to show that they are far more savvy and civil when it comes to politics as compared to men. Those blogs always go on about how things will get much better when women are given a chance to take the reins. Why then didn't I see the issue of the elections on the blogs?
Well for one reason. They were no different then what goes on in the "patriachal" parties. First things first, the elections were 2 years late. They were also marred by violence and corruption.
Complaints are still being heard about the election. So what have we learned today? That women in themselves are not a panacea for the ills that bedevil Kenyan politics. The rot goes far deeper than gender people.

On a more humourus note. There was this chic I was in uni with in Kenya who gave two guys an STD. She was also a member of the university basketball team. After the news got round about her condition, there was this one dude who took it upon himself to warn the others. When she got on the court with the rest of the team, he would run around the court screaming; "tutachomeka tutachomeka!" Basically meaning that everyone is going to catch her STD (burn).
Needless to say after this happening 2-3 times she quit playing. I think it had something to do with the stares and the laughter.
Stay safe and don't burn!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

On Reading

I read M's post the other day regarding the attack of the literati. One question I would like to ask, what is more important? What you read? Or the fact that you read? A reading habit in itself is hard to cultivate, and I think anyone who goes out of their way to read when they don't have to should be lauded. But it is apparent others feel different.

I examine what I read most of the time and I think according to the criteria M's critics set up, I am an epitome of failure. My reading is very varied, I have a copy of Dante's Inferno at home and a Fantastic Four comic nearby. This is what I have been reading lately apart from school stuff, you be the Judge.

Details Magazine - This is not one of those lad mags that are full of pictures of half naked women and how to sleep with them. This magazine actually has some interesting articles and pieces of trivia. But I doubt it meets some people's standards of reading.

Wolverine Origins - I borrowed this graphic novel from the local library. Nothing beats some good art and a roaring tale to finish up the day. Another failure in some many people's eyes.

Certain Prey is one of those crime thrillers that is part of a series with the same protagonist throughout. It made for good reading, what I liked most is the fact that the villain(ess) is human, flawed, likeable and gets away at the end of the book! I doubt it meets the intellectual standards expected of literature though.

Men's Health - I guess now you all know that I love to read mens' magazines (after all I am a man!). I do enjoy the health tips and general advice that is given in this magazine (I don't mean the dress for more sex article!). I don't think it is as good as the South African version due to all the adverts (my small bro tears them all out).

Things Fall Apart - I do think that I have found redemption by reading Chinua Achebe's yarn about the rise and fall of Okonkwo. Or maybe it is too little too late because according to the literati schedule I should have read this 15 years ago.

On writing - No I am not jocking M's style, just his pic. I came with this book from Kenya and forgot all about it. It makes for good reading and an even better learning experience.

Moving on, when I finished watching the video below, I swear there was a faint smell of weed in the room.

Important Announcement! I should be leaving town soon and that means I will be staying at my sister's till I set myself up in my own place. As a result my muses will not be with me and instead of subjecting you and me to substandard blogging, I will blog 3 times a week instead. Don't be sad, Tato and I have H.I.P.P.I.E part 2 - 4 on the way!
Happy Jamuhuri Day!

Monday, December 11, 2006

Saving Scrap, Sicknote and Shrinkage

I had another post written but I was packing my things and I got to thinking. As a child, more often than not my mother always found an extra use for something. After reading newspapers were used to light the jiko, clean windows, line shelves and more. By doing this we ended up getting the maximum use from something before throwing it away and ended up buying less. In her quest to save money my mother was is a defacto environmentalist. This ended up being passed to me. How, you ask?Let me give you an example or two.

1.I buy the 24 pack mineral water bottle crate. After I drink the water in a bottle, that bottle is used to a) carry drinking water in the gym b) contain used oil after cooking c) carry liquid detergent when I go do laundry at a friend's place.

2.As students we get free subscriptions to the NY Times. So I end up having alot of extra issues in my house. I have found multiple uses for them; a) lining the shelves in the kitchen b) used them to add a few inches to my jua kali tv stand that is made up of a bucket, wooden board and 5 inches of newspapers ( I have a tv stand but decided that I would assemble it when I moved out). c) I used what I had today to wrap up my porcelain plates. I may be a bachelor but I dont eat off plastic and paper plates.

3.Whenever I go shopping and I have polyethene bags. I use these to line my waste paper bin, carry out trash and to carry stuff around when I dont want to use my backpack.

I do know I could do a whole lot more but the thing is that every small step counts. Here in the West people tend to be very wasteful, it is said that America generates around 70% of the world's trash on it's own.
I think that if we are going to call ourselves environmentally conscious, we might as well do ourselves the favour of making sure it is reflected in our everyday lives. Remember, the earth still needs your help!

If there is anyone who has ever needed to visit a witchdoctor, it is this man. He suffered a concussion over the weekend. Chris Kirkland was once a Liverpool player and was touted as the next big thing, being in contention for a place on the English team, but a constant stream of injuries and bad luck put paid to that. This dude has managed to get injured whenever a big opportunity has come his way. The British media dubbed him "sick note" at one point in time. Name it and most probably he has had it, knee injuries, shoulder injuries, back problems, a broken finger, broken wrist,kidney injury, groin injury and now a concussion.

"I want people to stop talking about the injuries, to stop saying 'oh, Chris Kirkland, always injured', and say 'this lad is good, he can play'.

During his four seasons on Merseyside, Kirkland made just 45 appearances due to his injury problems, resulting in another loan move to West Brom last season.
- Chris Kirkland on Sporting Life Website

Someone please help this man! How he finds the strength to go on, is way beyond me.

On a lighter note; I now know why Idian housewives in the Parklands part of Nairobi are known for indulging in illicit relationships with their shamba boys and watchmen. Wouldn't you if your man was part of the itty-bitty committee??

Friday, December 08, 2006

Say Something Nice and Call For Links.........

End of the week 1.5 exams left to go, so it's been a somewhat busy week. I came to the realization that this week I have been spewing some major venom so what I'm going to do is give you all a Say Something Nice Challenge. I am sure all C&D readers here know what I am talking about.
Anyway seems over his tour of Stato where he treated Kenyans to his 3 songs (interspersed with his usual phrases - mafans, raggedy raw, whoa whoa) , he went out and bought himself a grill.

Yes Prezzo spent $3,000 on a grill. Eve and Solo were oohing and aaahing over it on their show hits not homework; but I'm not going to go off on them. I'm trying to be nice.So below is the picture of Prezzo with his new grill. Remember it's the Say Something Nice Challenge! Just post them in the comments section. Let's just say that grill is the only thing that me and Nini Wacera agree on.Click on the pic for a larger scare view.

Moving on. I appreciate all those who visit my blog time and again. I am in the process of sorting out my links. If you have a link to my blog, e-mail or comment and I will add a link to your blog. But to be honest I will only link to blogs whose content I agree with. I will in no way link to partisan political blogs, esp the ones who go spam commenting all over the place.
I am not apathetic but I feel many of those blogs do not add anything of value to the equation. They don't always give an open forum for discussion and are often just the venue for political and tribal cyber wars.

Anyway I have a take home exam so it's going to be a long weekend as I do that and study for Tuesday' s exam and pack. I do hope those Russians next door do not have a party!

Ps:How do you know it is time to leave your girlfriend?
When she isn't the first woman you call when you are drunk!

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Kenya's Next Top Model and Memories....

We men have this wonderful thing that is called an ego.Ego makes us men feel that we are masters of the universe, when we can't even manage our bedroom. The same extends to the area of looks. Take a peak at the picture below.

I know some of you know him. What I would like to ask him is,
"Who the hell told you that you were sexy in that pic?!" alongside "What were you thinking?!"
That is not one of those mysterious brooding looks, seems more like a "where did all my muscle definition go?" pose. I am not going to comment on how he looks half asleep giving him that "Damn I'm so sleepy but I have to get dressed and bounce", kind of look.

Time for men like this to be schooled Aco style. First of all you have no business taking pics like that unless they are going to be on your cd cover. But if you must, make sure your chest is not parallel to your stomach! I know some of you are moaning about joining a gym, but that is the price that has to be paid for bragging rights. An easy start is making sure you do at least 30 press-ups every morning. A one pack isn't that good looking but at least his is flat, some sit ups are in order. Last piece of advice, don't keep friends who let you take such pictures and then distribute them over the internet.

Moving on, I love the ad below. Dude was busted so hard!!!!!!!!!!!

It reminds me of how I at times get myself in trouble for remembering funny stuff when I am walking somewhere on my own and smiling to myself. Lucky for me people here think I'm being friendly and smile at me, although it gets hard when I burst into laughter. When life gets boring nothing beats the good old memories.

Anyway I am halfway through my exams, so now it's back to the books!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Another interesting story.............

I think I have discovered my main reason for blogging. I love to tell stories almost as much as I love listening to them. I enjoy recounting the interesting, amazing, horrendous, mundane and stupefying things I have encountered in my everyday life. I use my blog as a memory capsule for these things. People wonder why I prefer dingy home pubs inhabited with all sorts of characters to crowded,neon lit night-clubs full of "cool" people. It's the stories and entertainment I get there! In home pubs there is always a story teller of sorts, half of the things he tells you are lies but he tells them real well! So well that you find yourself buying him beer so he can keep on lying to you! Anyway let me shade myself from the glare of the light bulb shining on top of my cranium due to my enlightenment and get onto today's post.

There was this girl who moved into my neighbourhood when I was still living in Kenya sometime after high school, I am going to call her Jamilla. Now Jamilla was in her early 20's and purportedly from the coast and her Swahili seemed to bear out that fact. She was what what Nairobi men called "yellow, yellow, brown,brown" meaning she had this light and soft skin that seems to works wonders with most Kenyan men and has driven loads of women to destroy their skin and health by applying all sorts of bleaches to their skin to achieve the same look. She also had the stunning hourglass figure to go with her good looks.

Anyhow, Jamilla was renting a servant's quarter in one of neighbourhood houses. The servant's quarters also known as sq's in that neighbourhood were very popular as they were semi detached and allowed the occupant some sort of privacy from the main house. She wasn't a snob per se but would keep to herself and her friends in the neighbourhood, despite this she would still enjoy some light banter with the boys around the block as she was going to work; while firmly rebuffing their advances.

It is later on when she got settled into the neighbourhood that things began to happen. Various high cost cars began to show up outside her quarters. All the cars would have different owners so this wasn't the same person with different cars. The day we found out that Jamilla was not a laughing matter was when this middle aged man drove to her gate and found another car parked outside and drove to where we were sitting, came out and began talking to us jobless corner inhabitants.He got to talking to us thinking we were close friends of Jamilla's, it was then that he let on that she could as he put it "screw you senseless" and because of that men were falling over themselves to make her theirs exclusively. We chatted for a while till he saw the car that was at Jamilla's pass by us, at that point he excused himself, got into his car and drove to her house. At that point it should have hit us, a woman must have something special for a man to go to her house, find another man there, wait for that man to leave and go to see her.

Let's just say over time we saw things like a new fridge, microwave and home entertainment system be delivered to her place at different occasions. It is a few months later that some big shot from Kenya airways (who was married) started passing by her house at odd hours and weekends. A few weeks later I saw her in a Kenya Airways uniform being picked up by the staff van, so your guess is as good as mine. A month or so passed and Jamilla moved into a house of her own in the neighboring estate. A short time later she left the ranks of us matatu users and began driving a RAV4.

Much as we knock some women for being gold diggers, I had to give her mad props for using what she had to get what she wanted. Would I have hit it? Hell no! It's like knowing the dude on her block who sells grade A crack and deciding that you are going to take a hit for fun. In that case one hit and you're hooked, and we all know there are no casual crack users!And let's be realistic, Kanye summed up my chances best; "I ain't saying she's a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broke........."

But I know there are some of you ladies out there who would like to have Jamilla's good fortune.Well look no further Sugar Daddy 101 is here, go visit it and learn all the tricks to becoming a sugar baby!
ps: I expect a 5% cut for directing you there!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Another 80's and 90's Music Post

I think by now all of you know my disdain for most contemporary music, so I won't add to that. I was going through Youtube and came across some videos of songs that I enjoyed way back when and still do!This is a long post so you may want to watch those videos over a two day period.

Here goes nothing.........

There is something so 80's about this song that I can't pin down!One of the best songs to start your day in my opinion.

I think the owners of Carnivore owe Blondie royalties because this song was played every night during Rock night. A great song nonetheless that is on my 80's playlist.Who can forget the immortal line, "she walks like she don't care, walking on imported air"?

Freddie Mercury cracked me up in that mini skirt and wig!

This was vintage Grace Jones before she became the mess she is today!

I love Billy Ocean's music and even have all his greatest hits! Now a small quiz, what popular tv program way back when used one of his songs as it's theme music?

No way I could mention Billy Ocean and leave out Rick Astley.

This song was another 80's regular. This woman has a great voice!

No 80's hit list is complete without Lionel Richie! Too many songs of his to choose from. Don't you love the way his clique dance their way into the wedding reception?The choreograhy in this video is great. Interesting fact, Lionel Richie is loved in the middle east, when L.A Reid was busted for drugs there; he called the Sultan as a character witness for L.A Reid helping get him released as a result.

I think I had included this song in a post I did last year but this song never gets old for me!Men at Work have great lyrics and the video is pretty good too!

This is another song that I just love to bits. It first came back to me when I listened to it on the Grand Theft Auto soundtrack and later on in the movie "The Breakup." I also think it has deep lyrics.

Depeche Mode rocks! Yes they still do make music but this remains one of my all time fave tracks by them!

I now know what I am going to dress as for next year's Halloween...Cameo!That red jock strap was unforgettable!

This song takes me way back! I remember the good old days when women didn't have to sex themselves up to sell their music.

Lip synching accusations aside this was a great song!It never fails to get my head bobbing!

Another one of my fave musicians. Sting is one of the few artistes who has a playlist all to himself on my MP3 player. I love this song and it's lolita-esque story!

Another great track! This song was also on the Grand Theft Auto San Andreas soundtrack, yes I actually did used to listen to all the music you could play on the car's radio in that game.

This was one of those mood setting songs way back when. Compare this song to all these, "take off your underwear so I can screw you" songs ; and you have an idea of how low the bar has fallen.

Whenever I hear the drumbeats that start the song a big smile always breaks out on my face! Who can forget the immortal line, "never trust a big butt and a smile!" BBD rocked!

This was before the crack kicked in messing up his face,teeth and career.

Seeing as I have featured all the New Edition membes I might have as well put in a video of all of them together.Damn I miss the days when people could actually sing and didn't fill their videos with half naked women.

Anyway I have gotten to my own self imposed 20 video limit. After doing this post, I have just come to the realisation how crappy most music nowadays is. I think I am going to protest by never buying a cd again! Oh wait, I don't buy cds...........

Have a nice day!

Monday, December 04, 2006

Security, Spamming and Too Many Bashes!

Mozilla hung, so the first part of this post is gone, so I guess I'll have to wing it.
I was reading this, and it was a rather sad story. It just got me to thinking how bad the security situation has gotten in Kenya. I have also been wondering, whatever happened to the Police stations that were meant to be set up and staffed by police trained to deal with crimes like rape, which are usually not handled very well by the present police force? Or was that just the usual empty promises that the government gives Kenyans?

Talking about politics, there has been someone who has been spam commenting my blog with politically laced comments. When I restarted blogging after "The Battle for Freedom" I set up some rules. One of those rules was to comment on the post in question. If the anon who is doing this wants to comment on politics and tell us why Kibaki is good and Raila is bad, then there are the correct blogs and forums for that. When I want to read about politics those are the blogs that I visit as do most other Kenyan bloggers, when I want some casual reading ; I read blogs like mine. So please keep your comments to yourself, unless they are relevant.

Moving on, I can't live like this anymore!!!! The Russians next door have had parties every Saturday night for the last 3 weeks! Add to this the fact that a pal of mine had her birthday bash on Friday night. 2 parties in a row have made it so that I have been waking up at noon. Why oh why do people have to start having parties when finals are around the corner?! It just isn't right!
Anyway during Saturday's bash I met this chic whom my room mate had been harping on and on about, and I must say that I was impressed. Needless to say, I was not the only one; irregardless of her boyfriend's presence the hyena's were in full force. Later in the night she had an arguement with her boyfriend and he left without her, he doesn't go to school here so the distance seems to be a problem. That sight elated my roomie to no end.

Talking about hyena's reminded me of Friday's bash. A lesbian chic pal of mine was celebrating her birthday so I popped in. The crowd was a bit thin at one point so I gave a p-file (read first para for explanation) a call and she came over with a friend. She was looking great and we were having a ball. Thing is that my pal thought my p-file was hot too and tried to get in one the action twice! Pulling her off my lap (there was a shortage of seats!) and horning in on the dancefloor. But that was all that happened and mwenjoyo continued.And yes my p-file only likes boys or as nakeel would say, she likes dickson; I had to make sure I wasn't going to bark up the wrong tree!

When do lesbians rock?

Because when you check out a chic, she checks out the chic with you!
When do lesbians not rock?
When they try to get with the chic you are trying to get with!

Don't ya'll just love this song? It just shows how good music used to be! I have a post ready full of great songs of the 80's and 90's for tommorrow so you can know what I am talking about.

Anyway now because of all that fun I am behind in my term papers, project and studying. Damn these bashes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, December 01, 2006

Fundamental Christians and other things

I came across this interesting piece on Craigslist that I felt I had to share.....

Top Ten Signs You're a Fundamentalist Christian
Originally Posted: Fri, 2 Jun 13:10 MST

10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!

6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."

3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.

2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.

Copyright © 2006 craigslist, inc.

I also do love how some Christians take the "do not be unequally yoked" verse so seriously. Half n Half blogged about it;

Not so christian love
We had to sleep in another church ran place to conduct some community meetings, the manager was the most evil (and not just among cChristians but among all human beings). One of my colleagues and I are not saved, so the moment she realised that she stopped saying even Good morning to us. Anything she wanted to say to us, she did it through our other colleaguewho is saved. It got to the point where we were all in agreement about the fact that there are some xtians who believe that their relationship with God is parallel to their relationship with other human beings. How can you be soo evil to other people and think you have the ticket to heaven.

Don't think I have a problem with Christianity no not at all; it's just how some people reflect it that is my issue. Someone there is going to tell me to stop judging, well the bible says you shall know them by their fruit, so what I am doing is being your local fruit inspector.

What I have often noticed is that alot of the time it is the most vocal and visible Christianswho put up appearances. Many times they do stumble and fall like the rest of us, but in the interests of appearances they hide it and continue pointing fingers. Ted Haggard anyone? Frankly I think it's disgusting when people act like they are already on the chariot to heaven and are just waiting for the horses to start pulling. At the end of the day it behooves (I love that word) some of our christian brethren to realise that they are just as human as the rest of us and the sooner they act like that the more respect they will get from the rest of us.

Moving on, today is World AIDS day. Let's not forget the lives that have been lost to this scourge and do our part to fight the fight.Great weekend all!

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Burning Tables, Scorched Earth and othe warm sentiments

In my time I have been privileged enough to drink in places that encompass two extremes, five star hotels and complete hovels. This is the story of one night in the latter kind of establishment. When I was in uni there was this shack we used to go drink at that we called KJ's. Over time the place expanded and the dude built a banda near the shack.

So one night after hanging out with the boys in my crib, we decided to go catch a few pints so as to end the night. So we went to to KJ's and managed to get a few pints. That night unfortunately was one of those nights when it was so cold that you are given a warm beer and after a few minutes it gets a layer of frost on it. Anyway we took our beers and went to sit down in the banda where we found some of our classmates who were even more wasted than us. We started talking in between bouts of shivering when one of us started playing with his cigarette lighter. Someone else started looking around and realised that the make shift banda's walls were covered with old newspapers and boxes.Can you guess where I'm going with this?????

So two and two were put together and dudes began taking down some of the "wallpaper" and stacked it on the table, yes the table. The papers were put in a nice pile with some shredded for kindling and set ablaze. Yes, it was a sight to behold! A group of dudes sitting at a table with a fire burning on the middle of the table. Good times! I wonder what any late night passers by must have been thinking? And no, we did not burn down the table. We might have been bastards, but not arsonist bastards.

Have you ever heard of the scorched earth policy? Well I have known some people whom have used it to devastating effect in real life to get payback. Anyway there was this dude I knew who found out that his chic was playing him. He dumped her but at the same time decided to scorch the earth while he was at it. He spread this rumour that she had an std that made her "woman hood" smell to high heaven and that if you had sex with her you would have to burn those sheets and blankets. Seeing as he was a reliable dude, many people took him for his word and blacklisted the chic. With Nai being smaller and closer knit than some people think, word got round and that chic couldn't get a date from anyone who lived in a 20 km radius of that area for a very long time. Whenever she walked into a joint guys would look at each other, whisper and burst into laughter.

No I am not condoning that behaviour at all, but it is amazing how far a rumour can go. I think last week I blogged about how people repeat rumours word for word so I won't get into it.Say something positive, it goes nowhere but share something malicious and it goes to the ends of town!

Moving on, Sengeni Ng'ethe of Mama Mike's got in touch with me about sharing there ad that they have put up on youtube. Here is the link. I have never used there services before so I can't give an endorsement, but what I can't knock is their innovation and will to get the word out. If anyone has used them before do let us know.
ps: Just gave my finance and budgeting presentation yesterday evening. Ironic thing is that I find talking in front of people easy but when it comes to one on one interaction, that is where the uphill task begins.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Bugs, Big Girls and Bills

I know some of you have already sent me to hell but I couldn't resist sharing that cartoon, it really cracked me up. It reminded me of a phenomenon in American universities called B.U.G, that is bisexual until graduation.Girls and some guys would get it on whichever way they want to but as soon as they walk across the stage and get their diploma it's back to the straight and narrow. I guess some people can have their cake and eat it too.

Moving on, people on this blog seemed to be stunned by the big girls dancing rumbling to Ciara. Well guess what? They're back! Enjoy!

In other mind numbing news, my on-line cable bill arrived. This month I am only paying $24, I had a few deductions due to me but I think they overdid it.That is the price that people pay for basic cable, which I dont have but as the saying goes don't look the gift horse down the mouth; so I'm going to pay that bill ASAP. One thing you have to admire about the West is the efficiency of the billing process. These people cover all avenues in most cases, you can pay by mail, internet, wire transfer, cheque,cash and money order.As the saying goes, money is money. I think more companies in Kenya should take this up esp the utility companies. Have you ever had to queue in City Hall and Electricity House two times in one day to pay your bills? Not a fun experience at all!Yes there are people who can line up for you for a fee but not all of us have that extra money. I think giving money should be made as fast and efficiet as possible, as a man in a Co-op bank super line once said, "We shouldn't beg you to take our money!"

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Thanksgiving bashes and other things

During the past week ATL played host to the usual Kenyan thanksgiving. It seems that as the years pass the groups hosting bashes seem to increase by number, this year there were several nights that had 3 bashes.

I only went out on Saturday and Sunday night. In fact Saturday was more of a technical appearance because I was not there for more than 3 hours. I went for the 2kat bash which was held in of all places, a hindu worship hall. On the "wheels of steel" were Movie Buff's beloved Take Over DJs. I was not terribly impressed by them that night, I think it had something to do with the acoustics, whoever was spinning and the aircon (or lack of). In typical Kenyan fashion people started really coming in at around 1am. I have always wondered what people do before that time. I come from the old school where most of the time I come early so I can get a stool and leave in the middle of the night before the drama begins. From being airy the joint turned rather stuffy when it got packed, there was this room they had that there were selling pints that shocked me! I stepped in to try and get a drink later on in the night and I felt like I was making up for the sauna sessions I should be doing. But on the plus side I got to see a few people that I hadn't seen since high school and uni, there was even this chic I met who remembered that class we used to share, she was looking fwine! Almost made me wish I had tried to get with her way back when. I left before the Longombas and Prezzo performed so if anyone saw them please give a brother an update, my ride had to go to work in the morning so no overstaying the agreed hour.

On Sunday I went for the 80's party, ya'll know how much I love 80's sounds so that one I wasn't going to miss at all! I was with my small sis, her pal from high school and their black american neighbour. My sis rushed us so we ended up being there 30 mins after the party was to start and guess what we were like the first group there, so we got in for free and helped set up the speakers (just kidding!) We did get in for free and got great seats, so we just had a few drinks and talked.My sister's pal's neighbour (yes that's a mouthful) was really interesting as he was really open minded and had done alot of travel, Kenya included. Of course Kenyans started streaming in from midnight, I wonder why they even put 10pm on the flyer because no-one comes in at that time!The crowd was pretty large and my new pal gave Kenyans marks because there were these two dudes who wanted to fight, so what they did is walk out of the club together; he said that if it was black americans they would have gotten it on there and then! He was also impressed with the eye candy, so much so that he tried to call his brother to get him out of bed. Yes much as we Kenyans have beef with each other genderwise, I must admit that from a broad view point Kenyan mamas are doing pretty well. Consider the low level of obesity we have and the fact that Kenyan mamas tend to be more natural than mamas out here, what you see is usually what you get most of the time; unlike with American women.

I also must admit that Take Over Djs impressed me thoroughly with the mixing, music choice and even synching the tracks with the music videos at one point during the night. If they can overcome the horde of Dj outfits out here they stand a chance. But on the other hand there were some people, I don't know if they were part of Take Over Djs who were selling t-shirts. I have never seen a more whack, bootleg, monochrome Tusker t-shirt in my life. If you can't get the colors right, don't jock the logo; pure and simple. Talking about clothes, there are some people who tried, some who tried too hard and some who must have been teleported from the Wangige bus stop because I don't think Bata Prefects and Jeans that look like Savco are sold in the States.I also wonder if some people have friends, there was this mama who had a somewhat big gut who chose to wear a thick bright red belt around her waist; sheesh! I also realised how few Kenyans I know because so many people seemed to know each other. But I think that has it's pluses because you know how we Kenyans love to get up in each other business, so the less people I know the simpler my life is.

Will I do next year's Thanksgiving? Most probably in the same laid back manner like this year, 3 hour maximum stay and with a laid back clique. Let me close with an interesting story, there are some people who come into GA for Thanksgiving with no idea of where they will crash and do not want to spend money on a motel; so they go with the flow. Anyway my pal had a bash and some out of state dudes who were friends of friends came over and he had agreed to host a few of them whom he knew from way back when. So the festivities and alcohol flowed that night and people went to sleep. The next day my pal gets up in the morning and the smell of bacon wafts into his room, he walks into the kitchen to see who is cooking. He steps in and a dude he has never seen before tells him, "Niaje msee!Utakula bacon na mayai?"
The dude had gone out of his way to also make coffee. My pal just looked at him and decided there was no need for causing drama because the dude tried to make himself useful.I can imagine getting up in the morning and finding a stranger in my kitchen, dang!
I remember how my sister last year was deluged with requests for accomodation by her pals who were coming into town by people whom she rarely hears from the other 11 months of the year. It's amazing that people can drive from states away, spend loads on drinking and clubbing but don't want to pony up for a $50 motel room! People never fail to amaze me!
ps: I called in sick today, it is amazing how the gruff voice that comes from shouting and drinking corroborates the excuse of illness!
pps: I will not be accomodating anyone next year unless you have come from another continent!LMAO!

Monday, November 27, 2006

One Day On The Train.............

It was a cold morning on the bilas train. Nick tried to munch on a pallid oily chapati left to him by his former seatmate, Movie Buff continued to type her critique on poorly made movies, Mocha played with her turntable, Devious One wistfully looked at a picture of her cat which she couldn't bring with her, Shiroh continued to hone her c.v on her laptop while Kenyanchick was engrossed in last week's issue of Pulse magazine. They all raised their heads as they noticed the train slowly come to a stop at a platform engulfed by the morning fog.

Nick whipped the condensation from his window and looked outside. Little was visible in the fog but he could see the silhouette of what appeared to be a single figure. The figure moved majesticaly towards the train with the fog seeming to part before his strapping frame.The train's doors slowly hissed open.

The mysterious figure strode into the carriage with everyone wondering who it was. When they saw who it was, mini chaos broke out. Nick dropped his chapati in shock, Movie Buff broke into tears, Mocha let the record skip on her turntable, Shiro threw her lap top in the air but luckily it landed on the seat behind her and Devious One fainted.

The Acolyte was back on the bilas train......................................

Friday, November 24, 2006

Look in the Air, Its it a Bird? A Plane? No it's.........

Captain Save A Hoe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ladies you know the drill, please exit here, Thank you!

I know you're still here, this is the way out!

Now back to the post gentlemen. For those of you who don't know who or what Captain Save A Hoe is; here is the definition. Here is the song if you want to listen to it. And no I am not calling women hoes, let's clear that up here and now before someone starts moaning about it in the comments section.

Now let's be honest most of us men have all been a Captain Save A Hoe at one time in our lives. This is because for me the title extends further then just a dude who wastes his money and time on an ungrateful woman but one who tries to save a woman from her trials and tribulations many of which are self inflicted.

Most normal red blooded men are driven by the desire to be needed, and this is often our downfall. Nothing makes us feel as manly as when we solve problems, fix things and make things better, when we can't it eats us up inside. This has often led to the downfall of many a man when you throw a woman in the equation.

Do you know one thing most grown men fear? A crying baby. Why is this? Well babies are no respecters of persons; it doesn't matter if you have a mensa level IQ, 28 inch biceps, the wealth of all the fortune 500 companies combined, the fighting skills of several Kung fu masters and the attitude of Jack Bauer. The baby will continue to cry until it gets what it wants or something close to it in spite of whatever else you may try. It is said that women have the memory of elephants so I think they remember this when they pull the tears card, that often works for them; unless they are dealing with a total beast.

Anyway let me get off that bunny trail. While women try to change men, men try to solve all a woman's problems, die trying or give up. That is another reason why many of these "independant" women can't get a man to save their lives, because men look at them and no there is no need for them in this woman's life. But there are women who are on the other side, they have problem after problem after problem. In many of their cases self inflicted.

So you end up with a scenario where a dude hooks up with a chic thinking everything is fine and dandy with her, but overtime the cracks emerge in her facade. The dude being the true man he is volunteers to help her out of her quandry. He puts his heart and soul into it but it turns out that the girl isn't ready to come out of the pit she fell or jumped into, dude tries time and again but fails. Dude is ready to give up, he calls girl and tells her that they have to talk. Girl knows what may be coming and gives dude sob story about how much better her life is with him, how she won't be able to go on with out him yada yada yada; and to cap it off she bursts into tears. Dude feels guilty and stays, tries to help the girl fix her problems; nothing doing. He still wants to leave so a cycle starts, to break the cycle he either leaves irregardless of how he feels or he gets another chic on the side.

This isn't how it always goes but I think a time comes when we as men need to know that we can't fix everyone and their problems. We shouldn't let it make us feel guilty especially if we gave our best, a time comes when you just have to walk away. It's hard but you can't carry a load forever, and yes I know it is much harder then it sounds. If it is too hard you can always sneak out of town with your mattress over your head, belongings in a box, cape tucked in and clothes in a bag!

Moving on, I think Damon Wayans is an idiot. Read this and I am sure you will agree.

Anyway the weekend is upon us, I may actually decide to come out of my seclusion and go for one of the many Kenyan Thanksgiving bashes. Bon weekend!

Thursday, November 23, 2006

More Weight Tales and Other Things

2 or so posts back I embedded a video of some big mamas getting their groove on. Well yesterday I experienced first hand the aging effect extra pounds have on people. You see last week my sister went for a friend's bacholerette weekend in New Jersey with some of her old school pals and showed me the pictures. I took a look at some of the pictures and could recognize some of her old friends but there was one bigger, older looking lady in most of the pics.

So I ask my sis, "Is that your friend's auntie or something?" My sister looked at me like I had committed a sacriligous crime of sorts and then said, "Aco you're such a bitch! Don't you know who that is?"

It is at that point I peered closer at the picture and realised that it was one of her friends who used to come over to our house when we lived in Kenya. I remember her as person whom it took 3 black outs to learn that you eat before you go and catch pints and not afterwards! Point is that pounds add years to your looks (not to mention reduce your lifespan). So eat carefully!

Thanksgiving is here, I don't know what all the pomp and circumstance is; because if I was native-american I would remember this as the day things went downhill. A teacher in the States is teaching about the day from the native american point of view and not everyone is happy.

Moving on, do you ever watch roasts? Well one funny part of them is where the guests take pot shots at each other. Well Jamie Foxx was hosting one and after a guest took potshots at him, Jamie totally destroyed him! Take a look! If you love me, please don't throw a roast for me!

To those of you in the States, Happy Thanksgiving! To those in Kenya, get back to work!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Kenyans and Insults + Thank you.....

I recall a long time ago making a comment as my alter ego about the the then tendancy of many bloggers to blindly go with the flow to "seal clapping," and the major ramifications that I didn't expect.

It is during the drama that followed I think Rista mentioned that in many ways I am a quintessential Kenyan because of my insult and the way I shrugged it off as something minor,
despite the damage it did to some people's egos. But she did have a point. We Kenyans by nature are a curt people.

Have you ever been in a Kenyan matatu and listened to how the touts talk to passengers, how the driver talks to other drivers on the road? We tend to be very gruff in the way we relate to each other as a people. It goes all the way to the top, Kibaki with his "wapumbavu" , the 1st
Lady referring to ODM politicians as not having parents or something of the sort and who can forget Moi using unprintables as the press called them to refer to his cabinet.

I remember I had this group of pals I used to hang out with in uni that had both guys and chics, when someone was acting the fool we would call them a langa (prostitute). So once we were part of a conference and there were some students from Uganda who were hanging out with us. One chic was acting up and one of the dudes told her that she was being a langa. The Ugandan student asked us what that word meant and when we told her, she was shocked. For us it was nothing to write about because that was the way we were used to talking to each other.

There was this other time when I was sitting in a matatu and a friend came to sit next to me. In typical guy fashion I had my legs wide open occupying half the seat, he looked at me and said; "kwani you're pregnant? Ebu close your legs!" I looked at him, laughed and complied.

Of course this does not mean that I am justifying going around hurling insults at strangers but I think what I have made is a poignant observation about Kenyans. I think we are among the few people who go around hurling insults at friends and enemies and let them gauge the expression on our faces to tell the difference.

Moving on, if you look at the link bar of my blog you will notice a new list of links entitled "the best of the Acolyte" It is still not yet finished but what I have been doing is going through my posts of the last 2 years and putting up the best posts.

I have to be honest about one thing. My blog sucked! From 2004 to mid 2005 it sucked so bad that I should take that part out and sell it as an industrial vacuum cleaner. But thanks to Nick, Milo, Msanii, Nick and other regular visitors who gave me support and motivation I carried on and got better with time.

I also noticed many changes. I actually used to make a stab at serious blogging way back when! There is also a large amount of soccer blogging there, one would think that I am no longer a fan. In my opinion my blogging got better as soon as discovered a style and topics I liked blogging about.
Once again to those of you who used to read my blog, to those of you who are still reading it I would like to say Asante Sana!
Ps: This the height of irony, insults and gratitude in the same post!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Rumours, Celebs and Wikipedia

One thing that I love about many of my fellow Kenyans is their zeal for spreading unfounded rumours and here say. I am sure some of you have met someone who has defended a rumour like his life depended on it, or like she was at the scene.

I recall once being in a bar in Nairobi West and the topic of the moment was politics. So for some reason I remembered that Sheikh Khalid Balala (no relation to the former Mombasa mayor) had not been in the public eye for a very long time after his troubles during the Moi regime and asked what happened to him. That is when an older man at our table looked at me rather incredulously and said, "Balala was raped in prison on the President's orders! That is why he has hidden and shut up!" Now when someone tells you something like that with that amount of conviction what can you say? I think we all remember the Laura Irungu sex pics. Without a shadow of a doubt people had said it was her and even went out of their way to spread the pics. A keen study of some of the pics would have shown some discrepancies, which I noticed; but most people just ran with the story.

Like most Kenyans I do love a juicy story but only when it is true. It does little good to peddle falsehoods because sooner or later Karma will ensure that you are made subject of one. So like the good journalist I was trained to be, I make sure there are at least 2 reputable sources then I may consider sharing the story and that the story isn't as ludicrous as most out there, if not it stays under wraps!

Moving on,I am not a big fan of celeb news but there are some thing I have to talk about once in a while; if you have been following hip-hop news you do know that Nelly is dating Ashanti. What I always wonder is that in every picture Nelly always looks bored as hell. Is he trying to tell us something?

Nelly: Yawn!

Is it me or does that Britney's top look like it will give up under the pressure of holding up her "assets"?

Britney -" I'm free from K-fed! Now to find a real man!"

I have a wikipedia account and I do edit some of the Kenya pages when I can. I got really pissed off lately because of some anal administrator. It took me three attempts to put in Ukoo Fulani among the list of popular Kenyan artistes. Some muppet kept on taking it out, the last time I put it back in I added a sharp note with my edit description (and yes I had followed the correct format rules). So they took a hint and let it stay.
But what made me know that the administrator of that page or moment was really anal is when it took 2 edits and a sharp note for this change.The most recent effort is the Unilever sponsored "Sunlight quest for Kenya's National Dress" to The most recent effort was the Unilever sponsored "Sunlight quest for Kenya's National Dress" It took 2 edits to change one word because as far as I know the Sunlight quest is over and it failed.
Anyway you have to get used to such people, that's life.

Monday, November 20, 2006

My Confession, Dildos, Car Wrecks and A New Champ...

I have a confession to make. I am a member of a dating site (Phew! It was good to get that off my chest). What's worse is that I am not a member of the website so I can get a piece of ass from a girl who is;

a) Has the mileage of 20 year old Greyhound bus.
b) Has so much baggage that you could call her Samsonite.
c) Has the social interaction skills of a stone.
d) Wants to put her wild past behind her and settle with a man who doesn't know about it, and if she has her way never will.
e) Is a nice girl who has just had bad luck with men.

No getting laid isn't part of the agenda at all. I just enjoy reading some of the profiles and I also have this Nick-like fascination with looking at the pictures people put on their profiles. It's amazing how some peoples' descriptions of themselves and their pictures don't match at all! Add to this the ladies who have some scandalous (for lack of words to describe them) pics. The kind that you look at and the last thing that crosses my mind is both of our hearts becoming one. Good times! ™ Movie Buff.

I was going through some of my old posts and I came across this jewel and I think it is still pertinent today! Listen up ladies!

"Me and my roommate both use a dildo when we aren't having regular sex with a guy. When they get all nasty after a while, we just toss them in the dishwasher. Well, the other day my parents came over and when they saw the dildos in the dishwasher, they refused to have anything to eat or drink. Are they just being paranoid or what?" - Fiona, Little Neck, NY
Fiona,Even if you do clean your "toys" by putting them in the dishwasher, there is something off-putting about knowing that your cups and saucers are being cleaned along with a dildo. How difficult is it just to clean it separately? Do you keep your dildo in the same drawer with your knives and forks? Try and keep your toys a little less visible and you'll have less difficulty with other people.
KBW ladies please take this advice to heart.Never forget that Aco cares for you......

Have you ever been at the site of a car wreck and all the gore that accompanies it? Did you find yourself looking even though you knew you would be disgusted or repelled by what you saw? That is how I felt about the clip below.

I am going to break man code and ask the guys openly, if you had a fatal disease whose only cure was to have sex and only the chics in the video were available; which one would you hit? Feel free to be anonymous when you answer, he he he!

In other news, it seems that Matt Hughes is no longer the UFC Welterweight Champion after his defeat to George St Pierre. I will admit that against weaker opposition Matt would give one hell of a show but against more experienced fighters; his fights were not much to watch. But enough of that seeing as there aren't too many Kenyan bloggers who like the UFC as much as I do. It also shames me that I weigh almost as much as those fighters do but I look nothing like them when I take off my shirt. No, I do not have a one pack and man boobs but I'm still some ways off compared to those dudes. I guess that will be one of my new year's resolutions. To get back in serious training.
Have a nice Monday!

Friday, November 17, 2006

Friday Pics.......

I forgot about the rest of my pics from my trip to Savannah. So here they are! I think I will let the pics do the rest of the talking today! Have a nice weekend all!

If doesn't show all the pics let me know and I will make another slide show because it's been acting up but I thought it was because of this crap comp I have at work.....

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Throw Back Thursday!

It's just one of those days when the thought of doing a long involved post makes me tired even before I have laid a finger on the keyboard. So I'm going to make this quick and easy.

90% of the music made today is crap. Yes there are still some jewels out there like Matisayahu, Anthony Hamilton et al, but on the whole most of what is out sucks. This year's record sales have echoed my point, you could talk about downloading but not as many people download music as people think. It is usually the same culprits who stock pile gigabytes of data. Last year's music sales compared to the same time this year are very different, anyway that is a discussion for another day.

Anyway here are some songs from way back when that are always in my many playlists.

1.New Edition - If it isn't love. From back in the day when they made good music before egos got in the way.

2. Billie Myers - Kiss The Rain. I think this was her only hit. I saw a video of her singing live and I wasn't terribly impressed. But that song was really good!

3.Ace of Base - The Sign and Happy Nation. The Swedes used to churn out these super pop groups like they were being paid sometime back. I have all their greatest hits somewhere and they never fail to make for good listening.

4.Whispers - And The Beat Goes On. To me this is the quintessential soul song. It brings back many memories of buzzer beating (trying to get to Carnivore for soul before 9pm for free entry) and other fun soul playing joints I have been to!

5. Snow - Informer. Way before Eminem showed his face on the block, there was this other white boy on the block. This song rocked! I can recall it being played over and over and over on Rastrut.

6.The Culture Club - Do you really want to hurt me? When people think of the Culture Club, they always think of Karma Chameleon. Well these dudes were more than one hit wonders!

7.Zhane - Request Line. This track was from their second album which in my opinion wasn't as good as their first but is still far better than alot of what is on offer these days; these chics has class, style and a unique image.

Anyway that's today's offering of music. If you have any ideas or requests for next week, holla and I'll try to find 'em.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Letting my fingers do the Talking...

I can't for the life of me think of something to blog about. I think a hiatus is seriously in order. Well whenever this happens all I can do let my fingers play with the keyboard.

My fellow male bloggers out there, do you remember the good old days of kudandia? This was when you would imitate makanga/ matatu touts style of jumping on or off the matatu or manyanga while it was still in motion? It was during that activity important physics lessons were reiterated, such as an object in motion stays in motion and the law of gravity.

I had a friend who used to live on one of those routes where there were no matatus but KBS buses only. So things would get rather hectic come rush hour and to get home the only thing one could do is enter the door of the bus and add themselves to the throng of humanity in there.
It was a rainy day and my friend did not see how he was going to spend any more time in town being soaked, so he attempted to force his way into the bus via the back door. The sheer mass of people hanging on the door was slowly pushing him out of the now slowly moving bus; he saw one of the steel rods that he thought was the poles in the bus and reached for it.
As he grabbed on it was steady for a moment but then began to move. What happened next was a blur as he found himself on the wet tarmac entangled in arms, legs and two pieces of metal.
In his haste he had mistaken a cripple's crutch for one of the poles in the back of the bus and held onto it, and ended up pulling the cripple out of the bus onto the everwelcoming wet tarmac. It just wasn't his day.

Another pal of mine was on what we used to think of as one of the coolest matatus in the neighbourhood and thought he would embark in style by leaping off while it was still in motion (dandia style). What he hadn't figured out was that the matatu was moving faster than it looked. He jumped off and couldnt run fast enough and ended up falling and rolling.
The matatu stopped and my friend tried to save face by pretending he was fine and walking off but the makanga stopped him and the driver began to lecture him in front of the chics in the mat he was trying to impress. As the lecture was going on an elderly lady turned to the driver and told him, "usimpigie kelele sana, ni kihii" (don't make so much noise at him, he's just a boy); thus completely tasering his ego! Ah those were the days.
Nothing beats memories.............

In other news. I was going through my usual soccer news and came across these jewels.

Manchester United defender Patrice Evra has painted a grim picture of life in England. "The food is truly catastrophic, and it rains all the time. When there's no training or match, it's a DVD under the quilt to keep warm." But the Frenchman insists he is happy at Old Trafford. He added: "Each day I thank God to be playing in a club like this." - The food might be catastrophic here too but at least it doesn't rain as much as it does over there. No wonder Brits don't smile that much.

Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho has criticised the club's fans for being too quiet during their unbeaten run at Stamford Bridge. He said: "It's winter now and to sing and move is good to fight against the temperature. For a team with this record at home, I think the players deserve more support." (Various) - Let's be honest if you knew that bar a major cock up or effort from the other team, would you bother cheering for your team? Or even go for games, I hear that Chelsea is having a hard time selling tickets because many people prefer to watch the games at home due to the price and the fact that the outcome of the game more often than not is inevitable.

There was a countdown on MTV of the top 10 best and worst games of all time according to viewers, and a personal favorite of mine showed up as the number 3 best game of all time. Street Fighter 2! Yes in my younger days I used to love me some video games. One of the most repeated statements when playing Street Fighter was.... wait for it......"But I was blocking!"
Damn that was some good fun! They don't make games like they used to....Haduken!!!!

Have a nice day all!