Wednesday, November 01, 2006

A Wedding Tale and An Important Video

Dear Readers and fellow Bloggers. I am going for a conference in Savannah today so I will not be posting till next week.
It was about time Aco got a semi-hiatus don't you think so?
It's good to see that most of you agreed with the points that I brought up
in my last post. I just hope the guilty parties take note and change
their behaviour!
Anyway let me leave you with the account of a wedding by a man after my own heart; Grey Fox everybody!

I recently went to the wedding of a friend, who by all accounts
including mine has married a nice girl. It will probably work out
because they were damn sure to lay out just what each of them wanted to
do and hisprenup is iron clad. My friend is an optimist, but he knows
the odds too. Some relatives of mine were also there because he knew
them as well having worked with some of them. After his wedding
ceremony was over here is where the fun begins...

Having come from a client meeting and
knowing that I was going to a wedding I was looking my absolute finest.
No sooner than the ceremony was over friends and relatives started
looking at me and saying that "I was too cute not to have a
girlfriend," and of course when I was going to get married. One of the
brides friends who has been dying to get married since the age of 12
and will the be last one of her friends to get married asked if I
wouldn't mind giving her a ride to the after party theconversation on the ride over runs like this:

Her: So what are you doing now?

Me: I work as an investment adviser in the city.

Her: So that's how you afford nice things?

Me: Yes, that is how I afford nice things for myself.

Her: So what do you do on the weekends for fun?

Me: I go out to clubs or bars for dinner
and drinks, maybe catch a comedy act if someone good is in

Wow, you and your girlfriend must have a great time, its too bad she
couldn't make it today.

Me: I don't date.

Her: You're single!

Me: I don't date.

Her: You're not gay are you?

Me: No, I just don't date.

Her: Well how the hell are we supposed to go out?

Me: We are not.

Now there is nothing physically wrong with this girl, she isn't
fat, ugly or the elephant man's daughter. But she does have that I need
a man vibe. As for me I simply don't date for the simple reason is that
I am happy and intend to stay that way. Actuallyevery time I have dated
a woman i did it when I was actually in a good place in life but after
all was said and done I actually was worse of than when I started. So
it went like rolling a boulder up a hill just to have it roll back down
at you. Thanks but I only intend to keep moving up in the world not

So as we pull up to the reception she streaks out of the passenger
seat crying, because apparently I don't love her or she was probably
thinking of the happy bride and groom dancing in the ballroom and how
that she was not going be that happy bride....EVER. So a few of the
brides maids rush after her as she hurls herself into the ever scared
women's bathroom, which for some reason mystically added volume and
echo to a woman'stearful sobbing transforming her blubbering swan song
of jilted maiden tears into the roaring banshee howl of an old spinster
fucking a broken fog horn. I left her be and helped myself to a Beam
and Coke.

The ballroom where the dance floor and dinner tables were
was a sight to behold. Not that the place was fabulous but they surreal
nature of the seating. First off you had two tables one table were
divorced husbands all sitting together the next table was all their
divorced wives sitting together. Of course it even more comical when
everyone started dancing they ended up dancing together because they
were told old to find someone young, they ruined each other financially
not to mentioned fucked up their lives, but they would rather dance
with each other than sit at a table with nobody to call their own
especially at a wedding party. The rest of the tables were set up with
family and friends. Now the friends were interesting because their
tables were set up in such a way that the those who were probably next
to get married were all sitting together. I couldn't help but to think
how long it would be before they were taking the places of those
sitting at the currently divorced tables.

the night moves along fine. I'm on good behavior because its a friend's
wedding and I'm not going to fuck up his day, plus I'm in a good mood
because I have a group of 7 people asking me about the market and what
stocks are hot and that doesnourish my ego. I'm making my way to the bar to freshen my drink when the DJ stops the music to make an announcement.

DJ: If I could have everyone's attention please. XXXXX wishes to dedicate this song and dance to a man she cares about. She wants to melt your cold heart with her warmth, Mr. GreyFox could you please come to the dance floor...

I can know hear some awwww's
coming up from the guests and there in the middle of the dance floor is
the girl who I had given a ride to, who had blindly ran into the
women's room crying when we arrived at the party, and now this....what
was I to do.

Well it is tradition that the Bride and Groom slip away early from the party to consummate
their relationship for the "first" time. So taking a page from that
game book I slipped out the door near the bar in the reception hall,
making my way to the car.

If you have never left a woman
expecting you on the dance floor in front of a large crowd of people
like that you probably don't know what I'm going to talk about next,
but if you have.... You feel like you just scored one for the good
guys, or bad guysdepending who's side you are rooting for, but more
importantly it feels like you shrugged off this dirty yoke, like you
were expected to be that guy who finds love at someoneelses wedding
that you to have the love bug now and everyone is a couple now. You
feel like you escaped this mickey-mouse-club-let's-drink-the-cool-aid
cult. So I drove to the one most secluded, laid back bar I knew
laughing all the way.

-Grey Fox

For those of
you planning on coming stateside sometime soon. This is an important
video you need to watch about dealing with the 5.0 aka Police. Enjoy!

Monday, October 30, 2006

Won't Give Head

Time and again I have read post after post disparaging Kenyan men for some reason or other when it comes to sexual issues. But the last straw that broke the punda's back is this head issue. I share a lady's joy when she gets a good licking to keep her ticking of romance novel porpotions but something has to be said; there are different strokes for different folks ( pun intended).

It seems to some that most Kenyan men can do no good in bed to please their sexual goddesses. Let's call a spade a spade and not a big spoon because there are some sisters throwing enough wood to deforest Karura for the next 10 years out there too. These are the ones I am calling out, if you don't find yourself mentioned then don't jump down my throat.

First of all it's true that many a mama has had to go through "hairy, soggy, salty balls and stinky dicks" to please her man but many Kenyan chics can't be held as icons for genital hygiene too. The reason why some men don't give head is because they once decided to visit the basement only to be hit by noxious fumes that are strong enough to put an elephant to sleep. Some decided that despite that they would soldier one but one dude close to me who narrated his ordeal,
" My guy! Things were narrow! I would rather swim through a pool of sewage with my mouth open then give head again! That was just a puno! Wacha ikae!"
So ladies some of you have to do something about working conditions down there ama you wont get anything soon! There are plenty of wonderful feminine hygiene products out there and it wouldn't hurt to use them.

While we are talking about oral pleasure we might as well hit on some Kenyans mamas prediliction for turning this into an excercise in agony when they try to return the favor. If you cant give good head then dont even try it. It isnt much fun when mr johnson comes out of a chic's mouth with a complete dental impression that the police can use to make a dental mould from if said chic goes missing the next day.
Here's a tip, practice on a carrot. If you can leave it unscathed (no tooth marks)you can then move onto human beings. After one traumatic session it is no wonder that many Kenyan men won't give head at all!

Halafu with some mamas it is like trying to find a bottle top in the Amazon forest, way too much foliage! A pal of mine once tried to give head and spent the next one week coughing up hairballs! I mean if you are expecting a plane you may as well clear the runway otherwise the pilot will just circle around and land his plane elsewhere!

Let's not forget about those mamas whose coochies have seen more traffic then Langata Rd during the Super Soul on December 31st. Shagging these mamas is like throwing a sausage down a corridor, a complete waste of time! Kegels ladies, Kegels! Whether you like it or not, high mileage has an effect on performance so maintenance is in order otherwise the morning after despite your earlier pretences of purity and innocence the night before we'll know what the deal is.

There are few let downs like meeting a chic who is dressed to kill, taking her home undressing her only for the mood to be killed by her underwear. I know they may seem comfortable but during times of action, the mother's union panties aka bakuli ngothas, the big white matronly bras and the cotton grandma nightgowns need to left in the back of the closet at home! Those are complete passion killers! One look at them is enough to do to a man's libido the only thing that you should be doing in such underwear, sleeping!

Onto an irritating habit women have, the good old blow by blow commentating and analysis of a man's performance. This isn't to say that men dont blab, but when they do it's pretty general ie;

John: Mike! Wsup! I hear you shagged Janet last weekend! How was it?

Mike: It wasn't mbaya, that mama has an even more timam figure bila clothes and her strokes are on point!
John: That's sawa! It seems mambo moved chap chap!
Mike: Not vile, si you jua the way you have to wine and dine a mama, take them out on the town. But she was such good company that I didn't mind having to take her out kibao times before getting any.
John: Did you know that you would kamata that night?
Mike: Bila, I just tuned her kiplani and asked her if she wanted to go to my place and talk kidogo.
John: ehe
Mike: She agreed, so I fikishad her digs. It was a good thing I had just restocked pints this weekend.
John: Ehe
Mike: So I poured her one of those pints that mamas penda so much, we started talking kidogo, I started yellow pages mdogo mdogo halafu strokes anzad.
John: How are her strokes.
Mike" Pretty sawa, she isnt one of those mamas who give you some sloppy kisses ama try to push their tongues down your throat. We caught strokes for a while mpaka I got the feeling she was tayari halafu I carried her to my room. She's one of those light weight mamas that I penda.
John:Who was the shag?
Mike: It was timam! This mama knows how to handle herself, it isn't like those mamas who just lie there waiting for cpr! This one I am going to keep as long as possible!
John: Chief, si u ask her if she has any pals!

While on the other hand listening to some chics talk is like being at a Champion's League post game analysis complete with the chalk board and big screen where every movement is analysed. This is how it goes;

Jill: Hey girl! I heard things went down with Mike over the weekend?
Janet: That doesn't even describe it. Wacha I tell you!
Jill: Ehe!
Janet: He picked me up from my place in the evening and we went for dinner at China Gardens.
Jill: What kind of car does he drive and how was the dinner?
Janet: He drives a very sawa 2001 Subaru Impreza and the dinner was great. He was wearing this very nice gray sweater, black trousers and some very stylish italian shoes. I was impressed. He is also very interesting!
Jill: So did you go clubbing after dinner.
Janet: He took me to Tamambo's afterwards for drinks. I met some of his pals, very nice guys; I think I should ask him to hook you up! (wink, wink) He is also a very good dancer, we danced and when he held me close I smelt his cologne, the dude had class I tell you.
Jill: Ehe, what happened next?
Janet: He suggested we go to his place and talk, I was hoping he meant more then that and from what happened next he did.
Jill: Ebu share details!
Janet: We went to his flat in Westlands so it wasnt a very long drive. He lives in a nice cozy 2 bedroomed place. He knows how to take care of guests, imagine he has amarula, bacardi, champagne, kahawa liquer; you name it and it was there! He poured me a drink and we got comfortable on the couch.
Jill: So what happened after that?
Janet: We talked for a while and in mid sentence he looked deep into my eyes and before I know what happened we had started kissing. There is this way he started touching me mpaka I knew I had to have him there and then!
Jill: Ehe
Janet: Unlike many Kenyan dudes this dude actually knows how to use his hands, not like some other dudes who try to mould my titties like they are plastacine. This dude has a very good hands on approach, ai now I am even starting to get hot again even remembering it!
Jill: So you kamatad on the couch.
Janet: Bila, he carried me to the bedroom. It felt so good feeling his hard chest as he carried me like I weighed nothing, he has a physique to kill for! Either he works out sana or God loves him. He put me on the bed slowly and then started undressing me slowly.
Jill: Ehe
Janet: Unlike some dudes who rush like they are in their own world it was like it was all about me. He was also organised not like that dude whom I decided to gawia halafu we had to spend almost an hour on the highway looking for a place to buy condoms coz this dude was bila. This dude was well and truly organised!
Jill: How was it?
Janet: Roho safi, this dude has strokes! He had me begging for it, my nipples had perked up, my juices were flowing and then he got to it.He took off his last piece of clothing and I got to take a good look at him. Oh my, that dude was well equiped!
Jill: Ehe.
Janet:And then he started moving, slow, shallow, left, right, soft, then deeper and harder and I found myself wiggling and raising my hips to meet him at the half way point. The dude was so good that he had my toes twitching and curling! At that point if he stopped or turned out to be a one minute man I would have killed him because he was hitting all the right spots!
I swear at that point I felt like I have never had such sawa strokes in my life! Halafu there is the way he held me in his arms when we were done that made me feel like I was the luckiest mami in the world!
Jill: Si u ask him if he has any pals like him!
Any resemblance of those characters to people living or dead and past or present situations is unintentional and any semblance is unintended and mistaken

With descriptions like that now you know why some mamas end up stealing their girlfriends boyfriends because you have done for her all the work and given her all the info she needs to work with. While in the case of dudes the info given is so vague that the dude might as well be working with sccratch. Please not that I also cut the chic's narration for the sake of space and also I don't want people to think that
As a dude it isnt too much fun to know that each and every detail of your performance has been disseminated by a group of mamas. So when you meet a your mami's pals and they look at you and smile at each other in a sly manner or start giggling you know the deal!
But on the other hand ladies keep on blogging about it coz in the blogosphere indentities remain well hidden!

Next on the block are the mamas who's idea of sex is to play a corpse and expect your nuts and Mr Johnson to play the role of defibrillator and bring her back to life. When guys have sex they expect it to be a two person effort otherwise they wouldn't have taken time to wine, dine and seduce you but would have stayed at home and watched porn and self serviced themselves. This trend is so bad with some Kenyan chics that some tribes' chics have been pointed out with excelling at such misbehaviour.
I' m sorry but sex isnt one of those uni courses where attendance is 100% of the grade, participation counts too and if you don't want to then don't bother showing up at all!

I could say more but I think I have said enough. Fact remains that if Kenyan dudes have dropped the ball in one part of the field, so have Kenyan chics. Question is, are the concerned parties going to do anything about it?
Acolyte runs and dives into bunker waiting for fall out from irate individuals.
ps: I know I owed ya'll a Friday post. Sadly I'm all out of Pulse Pics. I have to see if I can get any new pics. Mea Culpa, mea maxima culpa.