Thursday, February 09, 2006

I have a new home now!

Before I left the country I had to give away my dog Max aka Maxwell (when I was mad at him) aka Maxi.He was a great dog but his high spirited personality made him quite a handful.In his younger days as a pup when he could fit under the gate on trash day he would rummage through the neighbours trash for food messing up driveways and trust me they were not pleased at all!As a young pup the other dog we had (one of those minature breeds) and the cat would gang up on him and beat him up.They were shocked when due to his breed (some labrador crossbreed) he became bigger then both of them!I remember his pulling the cat of the bonnet of the car with it's tail in his teeth while the cat growled with it's claws unable to grip the smooth surface of the car.He would also bug the other dog which was getting testy as it was around 70 in dog years.
The car for a long time used to have a big depression on either the roof or the bonnet as at night he would climb on the car to slumber.I think a car thief would be shocked at the security measure we had taken.But he was a great guard dog!No-one could get two steps near our gate without him barking.But he also had some interesting habits!If you made the mistake of leaving any laundry on the line he would take it down and sleep on it, I remember we had this gal who used to live in our extension and he would take her petticoats off the line and deposit them on the front of the driveway (I think he was trying to say something coz she had really cheap petticoats).He would also chew socks if you left them hanging out there, also a few buckets served as distractions for him while he dumped shoes that were left outdoors in unexpected places.
He was also had a very large appetite.He would inhale his food in the few seconds that you served it.He was not allowed in the house but due to his keen sense of smell he knew where the dog food was kept so you could never leave the front door open.I remember once my mum wanted to put some clothes out so she opened the door slowly and walked to the backyard.So a few minutes later my mum says she can't see Max and that he must have gone out of the compound.So I put on my shoes and go searching, after 15 minutes I of course didn't see him and it dawned on me where he could be.So I went to the kitchen to find him polishing off bones and vegetables that were meant to feed him and the other dog for a week.The classic moment came when my mum had gone for one of these ladies meetings and as usual there are loads of food at those gatherings.So my mum carried some for herself and gave a friend a lift.The two of them decided to come home and chat.So my mum drives in, carries her food and they go upstairs.When it came time for leaving my mum goes to the car and gets in with her friend but her friend can't trace her food!When they got into the car none of the doors were open so they go upstairs to see if maybe the food had been brought in by mistake, but that wasn't to be.As my mum goes back to the car she sees Max crunching some chicken bones and licking his lips, it seems that one of the doors was left open so he got in took out the bag and closed the door somehow.I am dead serious because I was there!Anyway you can see how much trouble and fun he was and with me leaving my mum knew she couldn't handle him so I had to give him away.
My mum told me to dump him on the road, but I was like there is no way!I took him to the KSPCA.Whenever I saw someone with a dog here I would remember him and I had been mailing KSPCA for progress reports and wanting to know how I can help.So I got this in my mail lately.

Dear Aco,
Sorry for being so long in replying to your e mail. Your dog was rehomed to a housing estate down the Langata Road (it might have been Dam Estate). He was checked up on later and was found to have settled well and looked happy.
If you want to make a donation you should send a cheque made out to the KSPCA and post it to KSPCA P.O.Box 24203, 00502 Karen, Nairobi, Kenya, East Africa. If you want to sponsor a kennel, it would cost you roughly $20 dollars a month per dog - and usually there are two per kennel. Let me know what you think.
I hope you are enjoying the US.
Jean Gilchrist,
Director of Animal Welfare.

This was him at the KSPCA a few days before I left, he almost jumped over the fence to get to me; it was so sad.But it is good to know that he is tearing up someone else's underwear and sleeping on their car, sniff sniff......

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Overheard in my life part 3

When I was in high school swahili was a foreign language.Most of my swahili books were as good as new at the end of year and fetched full value on the market.Anyway one day I was chewing gum during swahili class.
Swa teacher: Aco, wacha kutafuna darasani.
Aco:Thinks to himself "What the f*ck is she saying?"-proceeds to continue chewing-
Swa teacher: Kwani ameziba masikio?
The front row which had the few students who gave a damn about swahili sanifu sniggered away.

My swahili teacher was also one of the most powerful women in the universe.That woman could stop time with the sound of her voice.She would start teaching at that point us at the back would go to sleep not doze but sleep,dream,have the dream end,wake up and she would still be teaching!

In the physics lab one day....
Dumbass student #3:Acting like a total asshat through most of the class
Psycho physics teacher #4:Can you tell me the formula for calculating the rate of acceleration of an object thrown at the the initial velocity of 3m/s in null gravity?
Dumbass student #3:Mumbles some gibberish "I thought that you couldn't throw something in null gravity?"proceeds to smile with pride
Pyscho physics teacher #4:Walks slowly to the student's stool "You think you're funny?" proceeds to smile too
Dumbass student #3: huh??????
Psycho physics teacher #4:Goes ahead to land a barrage of punches and kicks on hapless student!
With all those psycho physics teachers there is no wonder I dropped physics asap!

Later on we got this substitute swahili teacher who was just as boring but at least at times he would come to work wasted and would sleep on the desk.If you made trouble in class he would tell you "simama!enda nyuma ya darasa na simama kando!"
So one lunch time we were playing volley ball and he passed by the court.
Mr Onyango:Habari yenyu vijana?
Aco:-from deep cover having blended in with the crowd- Onyango kaa kando!!
Mr Onyango:Who said that?!
Due to my superior subterfuge I was not found....

There was this point in time in high school when pals had developed a fascination with breaking wind aka farting.People would have competitions on who could do it loudest,smellies or longest.Disgusting yes but we were in high school and we were teens so that's all I can say in our defense.
To make things worse the class we were in at the time was once a lab so had louvres at the top of the room and not windows so any noxious odours had to waft to the ceiling before they reached the windows so if someone unleashed suffering was the order of the day.
You knew something was up when you saw two guys in a row of desks covering their faces with their sweaters and one guy in the middle dying of laughter.
So during a swahili class someone unleashes one of ammonia quality and even the trusty sweaters can't help.So there is some commotion as people are trying to save
their respiratory systems...
Swa teacher:Nini inaendelea huko????
Mark:Jon anatoa pums!
Swa teacher:tafadhali rudia
Mark:Jon anatoa pums!
Swa teacher:approaches the row of desks.Takes a whiff, almost chokes and walks out in indignation.

Last but not least, sometime in high school the rap and freestyle craze hit us.So what we would do during free classes was that we would get together a small clique and jam for the rest of the class.One dude would have one of those metal pencil cases ie oxford open and it would be the tweeter with two pens for drumsticks, the other dude would use his palm on the desk for the base beats,one other dude would provide the other sound effects that are on a rap/ragga track, one dude would rap, the other do the ragga and last but not least Aco would be the DJ saying things like "Cum selector!,Rewind rewind rewind,won't stop can't stop,awww hell yeah etc!So one day we were in the zone and the class was singing along then the door burst open!It was the vice principle!
V.P:Where is the shyshtem!(yes that is how he said it!)
Clique:We don't have one!
V.P:Stop lying!I wash hearing music!Where is it!
Clique:We dont have one!!
V.P:proceeds to empty our bags and desks, So you have hidden it!Go to my office!
Needless to say we got to jam in detention that Saturday........

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Overheard in my life part 2

I had so much fun with the memories from yesterday's post that I have decided to chronicle some more of these discussions and talks as they came to me.I thought it was time that I appealed to the base element in KBW as we have enough literati,commentators and analysts already.
Warning some of this material is rated Mature .

One of my best pals was completely anti-marriage and anti-kids in high school btw he still is.So everyday what he would do was to give a reason not to get married or not to have kids.What he did one day was to point at some MP's son and keep quiet.My this kid was a real punk and a dumb arrogant punk at that.Last I heard of him is that when we cleared school he went to Australia and after 5 years came back with no even a diploma to his name; needless to say his dad said enuff was enuff and kicked him out.He was/is a poster child for why should be childless to us!

We once had this guy in one of classes who was a total joker.His dad was from TZ and he had lived there for sometime.Anyway we were having an oral literature class and the topic was the rythymn that exists in many african languages and the teacher asked if there was anyone who would like to give an demonstration.So the joker puts up his hand and proceeds to utter total gibberish, "mchilibi bololo mcholobo chili!" The teacher asked if there was anyone in the room who could translate and the joker's deskmate puts up his hand and says, "the boy played with the ball." Since this teacher was super strict and any uncalled for laughter would have resulted in depression; there was a whole section of the class that had people looking down at their desks with their shoulders shaking with suppressed mirth and tears rolling down their cheeks.

One day we were at the local and were having an arguement about cunnilingus aka kuonja chumvi/window washing etc.Some of my friends are totally against it and some are totally for it.So what happens is that after a pal of mine promoted it's virtues and fruit my other pal erupted,"No!" then hit the table with his fist."That story is bila!You don't know where some of these mamas have been!You will lamba that thing and then the next day your tongue is the size of your fist and has some mould growing on it!"

I remember some time in uni we had this pal who loved, no really really loved shagging.This dude would nail anything in a skirt where he thought he had a chance of scoring.Anyhow there was this chic that we saw who was new in uni and the dude didn't know her.So we wove a story about the chic, we told the guy that that chic was so hot in bed that if he would cry tears if he slept with her (an interesting picture don't you think) but the only thing is that she was a grade A gold digger; and that by the time she was done with him he would not have a penny to his name.The guy contemplated that for a second and said, "Si I'll move in with you guys and share your food mpaka I get more cash?"Mind you he was serious so we had to tell him we were joking lest the boy get disappointed after pursuing the chic.

One night we were in Embu and the bar had gotten really boring so a pal of mine decided to spice things up.Jon leaves the table and steps up to this local chic at the bar.
Jon:proceeds to walk back to our table.Let's just say after a minute or two his question sunk in and we have never heard such a combination of profanity in english,swa and kimeru.

There was this pal of mine who was darting this chic and attempted to catch strokes.
Janet:Imagine we can't do this, let's just be friends.
Mike:Si we catch strokes as friends then?

Another line we used to use jokingly with gals in the mtaa:
"Si unigawie kiubeshte?" -translate for yourself-

A line used by my good friend Vic to justify his choice of aesthetically challenged chics at 2 am on the rave, last I heard of him he was having a ball in Australia.
Aco:Vic bwana where are you going with that mama and the way she has chokad!
Vic:Chief!Hujui shimo ni shimo!

On one of my last nights in Nai my boys decided to take me out and of course no last night in nai is complete without a drive down the street of shame aka K-street!So we passed a group of "proffesionals" waiting for business.
Wasted Aco leaning out of car window:Nimechill!!!!!!!!!!!
Proffesionals: Sisi pia tumechill!!!!!!!!
I was impressed with their good sense of humour.

I remember sometime before I left in Kenya when all these VCT ads were up and when someone had a persistent cough they were told to be tested for TB.TB is one of the first opportunistic infections that check in.Anyhow I had gone to hang out with this chic and we were at a pub in Westlands.
Gal:I've been feeling weird lately -koff, koff!-
Gal:- Gives Aco Daggers "Ai?!Me I'm clean!"

then a pal of ours who was overhearing the convo decides to add his $0.02
Pal:Me I chanuka so many times that the peeps at the VCT know me by name!

With friends and moments like this you don't have to wonder why I am so bored with life right now.............

Monday, February 06, 2006

Overheard in my life.....

Here are some interesting quotes from me and some people I have met in my existance....

Form 2 Math teacher to a dumbass student:The only difference between you and the sack of maize in your father's store is that you are here now!

Pyscho Form 1 physics teacher to my deskmate:David!You are stupid, just like your brother!

Once in high school some my pals were indulging in some horseplay in the toilets and one of them splashed water from the sink on the other, so he exclaimed "F*ck!!"Our genial principle was passing outside the toilets and heard the commotion.He proceeded to pop his head in the doorway and told the boys, "It's not fuck, it's sexual intercourse"

Once when I was doing a biology exam we were given a diagram of a bean sead and told to eplain the different parts and their roles.There is a part of the bean sead that contains food reserves to nourish it as it develops leaves and roots harness the nutrients of the soil.On my paper I wrote that this part was meant to nourish the bean in case of premature ejaculation germination.You can see how knowledgable I was about all areas of biology then!

Psycho Form 3 physic teacher to dumbass student #2:Andrea, do you know you have the I.Q of a plant.(he then proceeded to smile broadly to himself)

In school we had a building that was set apart from the main school and had the art room where art students would go for Art and Technical drawing classes.It is obvious that Aco was an artist.At this point in time we young lads had discovered the wonderful world of profanity, so someone had scrawled the word F*ck in felt pen on one of the wooden tables.This offended the middle aged white lady who was our art teacher then so much so that she went to fetch one of the P.E teachers to talk to us.Our P.E teacher brought his Orbitsports clad suit self to the class, looked at the graffiti looked at us and said; "So you people know how to f*ck?"Over the years these tables where students sat 4 per table were turned into canvasses for amateur porn artists, the Karma sutra was illustrated several times on that table.The cleaners got so tired of sanding over those table that they were finally painted black.

My pal Mike to a gal called Peggy (who had lottsa cash but was the p.c word is very plain) in Carni at the beginning of shika shika time:Peggy, I am so so drunk but you are still unattractive.

From my stoic yet erudite classmate Steve: A stiff dick has no conscience!

My pal Joe who was saved one decided that he would accompany the boys to J.Kays and lead them to the Lord that night.
Joe: You guys are wasting your lives on these momentary thrills....
Mike:Shut up and drink this (sliding a beer his way)
Joe: But the Bible....
Mike: The Bible says drink and make merry, it also says a little wine is good for the stomach, just drink it
Rest assured that was the last we heard of the Gospel as Joe got as wasted as everyone else...

In form one we had a sarcastic Irish class teacher, his sarcasm was made ever more biting by his sing song lilting accent.I had this deskmate called Timothy who was going to be serving a suspension the following week because of leaving the school compound without permission.
Teacher: Timothy, could you give us the answer to number 5.
Timothy: No Sir, I didn't do the assignment.
Teacher: Well you'll have plenty of time to do it next week!
Class: sniggering away....

Damn these memories are so funny that I have to do all I can to recall as many as possible before time steals them from me!

Damn! Things have changed

I decided to go through my blog from the earliest posts and I must say that alot has changed.I think my blog isn't as interesting and as hot as it once was.I think it has something to do with me flying across the Atlantic and having this lacklustre life!Or it could be that I am blogging less for me and more for an audience?I have to think about that.When I was in Nai there was always something interesting to blog about be it positive or negative.Nowadays it's just the same thing day in day out.Uggghhhh!!!!!!!
Anyway I actually do have some serious posts that I start but never finish and leave as drafts.
Anyhow the time for my afternoon nap is here so I will leave you a link to a classic Aco post.Independant woman part 1.Back to manic Monday!

Sunday, February 05, 2006

One step forward, two steps back.....

This article was in the Saturday magazine for this weekend.I have taken the liberty of reproducing it here for those whom didn't read it.Please scroll to the bottom to get my opinion.....

FEMALESPEAK: Second place ain't so bad

Publication Date: 2/4/2006

One of the few topics that remain in my head from my college days is the SWOT analysis. I can still hear our professor reciting the dynamics and importance of strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats analysis in decision-making. A former schoolmate of mine has decided to apply the principles of SWOT in helping her sort out her long-standing problem of lack of a husband. She is not alone. All around us, we are confronted by an environment that is frighteningly lacking in eligible men.

Most single men are often commitment phobes, unemployed or romantically challenged. For this reason, I have decided to put some thought into my friend's SWOT analysis. In her opinion, there are numerous opportunities and strengths in women who are willing to take up the No. 2 slot.

To begin with, a man who is willing to take up a second wife is a tested and tried commodity. There is no trying to figure out or approximate his net worth or career progression in the next decade. The man will most definitely have made some significant strides in creating some measure of fortune and comfort. A second wife is not required to make the numerous sacrifices that first wives have to. There is no spending long hours in wholesale shops, no breaking the back planting and weeding, no losing sleep over egg production or the fertility of cows.

To make matters even better, men consider taking a second wife as a measure of success. For this reason, they treat their second wives much better than their first wives. If you choose to become a second wife, you will be a trophy to be decked out in finery and shown off to his pals. By this time, a man will have acquired some measure of finesse and will have gained some understanding of what romance is all about. He is less likely to forget birthdays and anniversaries and is more likely to insist on taking you out for Valentine's and will have no qualms about buying a few trinkets as penance for his errors. To make matters even better, the woman can throw tantrums and get away with it since most men mellow by the time they get middle age.

You can force the man to get jobs for your clan of relatives by sulking for a day or two. You can squeeze trips abroad for you and your girlfriends just by imposing a few sanctions in the bedroom.

Being a second wife could also open doors in careers such as diplomacy and blackmail. In the first few years especially, second wives get to make outrageous demands by threatening to leave if the demands are not met. A second wife gets to blackmail the man with impossible things. If he doesn't come through, you can brand him a non-performer and threaten to expose this to the general public. For some strange reason, these men seem to respond to threats and menaces from second wives.

Another good thing about the Number Two slot alternative is that you save lots of money and time since you don't have to walk down any aisle. At the same time, you don't have to waste time trying to schmooze up to sisters and mothers-in-law. Leave all that to the first wife. By the time you opt to become a second lady, you are guaranteed to have attracted the wrath of the first wife and their offspring and their relations. There is therefore no need for you to spend hours toiling over hot stoves to make dishes that will wipe off hostility from the opposition. A second wife is spared the hassles of wedding committees and the pain of diets and exercise to try and fit into the perfect wedding dress. Her beauty is intact for she will not get crease lines from struggling to create a colour scheme that will be the envy of the town. The time and money saved can be used for more worthwhile ventures like manicures, facials and pedicures and, of course, endless shopping.

Being a second wife is not a full time job because you get to banish the man to his other home when the need arises. This will give you a break from his snores, smelly socks and having to cook everyday. The man of dual homes will occasionally have to take a break to serve time in household Number One. While he makes his courtesy calls, you can relax and enjoy a few benefits of singledom. A second wife from time gets to hog the entire bed, to bond with girlfriends without feeling any sense of shame. You can occasionally banish the man to the 'other' home when you need time alone or when you need to pull off a secret rendezvous.

Being a second wife can also do wonders for a woman's reputation. Most women will consider you a femme fatale of sorts and myths and legends will be created about your hubby-snatching tricks. The span of your beauty and scope of bedroom tricks will be intensely discussed and grossly exaggerated in homesteads around the land. They say there's no such things as bad publicity. So for those who are publicity hungry, nothing works wonders more than being a second wife.

Of course, the path of a second wife is riddled with problems and threats. Your time is limited because any man who acquires two wives will usually have no qualms about getting wife Number Three. If you want to be one, you are advised to prepare yourself for tough times when children and relations from the first wife feel the urge to clobber you for snatching the man of the house. There also will always be the threat of being disinherited upon the man's death and the permanent taint of being in the second slot. The reasonable conclusion from the SWOT analysis is that being a second wife is a viable option for single, lonely women. They say half a loaf is better than none so half a man might just be better than none.

Now at this point in time I must ask the ladies out there the status of having a man so important that it would drive you to have an affair with a married man or be his second wife so you can say that you have one?
There are those cases of married men who snare the girl and then later on admit they are married and give the line that they are going to leave the wife "someday", but why as a woman go out and try to hook up with a man whom you know is married?
A married man may seem like he has all the qualities that you are looking for, but he isn't yours!Why not get a man whom is a diamond in the rough and bring out those qualities in him?It is hard work but the wife of the man you tried to steal did that and when you do the same rest assured that he is yours when you marry him.
Doesn't it ever occur to some of these knuckleheads that most men will never leave their wives?!In fact when you stop being his secret moment of love and more like a second load the chances of him marrying you lessen drastically!And anyway if he leaves his wife for you, chances are he will leave you too when he tires of you or gravity takes effect!
There is nothing wrong with being single!I don't know why people especially women place so much value in being in a relationship?!It doesnt make you anymore richer or beautiful.I think that is one reason women stay in abusive relationships.Many women would rather be miserable with someone then happy alone!It's time to move on from that mindset even though Valentine's is coming (Special post coming for that!)
Anyway all ranting aside that I leave to some specific chics in KBW.
KBW ladies please be honest and tell us how many of you would consider being number 2 or being with a married man.Please be honest because with many people what they say and do are two different things.......