Tuesday, December 30, 2008

799 Posts and Other Stories

799 posts!!!!!! Woo hoo!!!!!! Now onto other things. I'm in a pissy mood and then some. I recently came back to work after a 4 day vacation, that and this ongoing cold snap is not doing wonders for my mood. Then of course add the fact that it's been a while since I got any (more on that later).

Anyway have you ever come across one of those situations where anything else you say other than agree makes you look like an ass hole? You see there is this girl I started talking to a month or so back and things are looking good. So of course once you get to know someone a bit better the issue of sex comes up, ole girl says basically she isn't giving it up. I say that as long as she puts it on the table before hand she should be fine when it comes to dating. She tells me that guys she have dated seemed fine with it at first but when the reality dawned, they tried to sway her and of course this led to drama and break up.

I'm going to keep it real and call it like this. Unless the Lord himself has spoken in my ear and told me that she is indeed the one I am meant to be with. Why in the world am I dating a girl and I know I'm not going to get any? No I'm not dating her with the sole purpose of getting some but for me I feel we should connect on an intellectual, emotional and then physical level. Of course if we don't have rapport then it is what it is, we part and keep it moving but at least the implicit understanding is there.

Discussing this issues is easier said than done to be honest. Like many people (male and female) in our generation, before I buy the car there has to be a test drive as the analogy goes. I respect people who say they are going to wait for marriage and all that. I have had my fair share of experiences with lemons and I don't intend on signing the dotted line till I have a test drive. On a serious note I believe in establishing that you have have that physical compatibility. Sex isn't a big thing in a relationship when it's good but when it's bad it becomes a very big thing, believe me. Some people say that if at first you are incompatible you can work on it. I disagree with this, sexual attitudes are not just physical behaviours but also have alot of personal history behind them. A partner may not like doing something you see as routine due to some attitude formed by religion or maybe even personal trauma in the past. So that's not a hurdle that's easily overcome in many occasions it just isn't as simple as people try and make it out to be. It has often been said that if the sex is good in the relationship it counts for 20% but if the sex is bad it counts for 80%, I do believe that is true; once you have problems in the bedroom they bleed into the relationship.

Anyway despite my strong call for fornication, I for one after if I get to that point with this chic will respect her decision. No ifs and buts, after all it's her vagina; what she puts in it or doesn't is completely up to her. So stop calling me a dyck for not being down for a chic who wants to keep the goodies locked up.

In other news I'm considering taking a very personal turn in my blogging come 2009, as a result I may have to go either invite only or not allow anon comments. As I got to know my commentors over time I came to the fine realization that I have slowly but surely began playing for the crowds and that is something I never intended to do when I started blogging. My blogging was for me and me alone but we all know that not everything goes according to plan. Anyway I shall give it some thought and see what direction I go.

ps: just realized this was a draft I published before completing so if any ideas come off as half baked that's why, I didn't get a chance to iron it out.

Happy New Year To All!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Operation Mtandao And Other Stories..........

Long time no hear people! It's been a while since I blogged, but a hiatus is always in order I think. Anyway I was reading this article from the Nation and it was such pure comment gold I had to blog about it.

A survey at a top boy’s school entitled Operation Mtandao indicated that 80 per cent of the 60 secondary school students queried use the Internet for entertainment and socialising, including looking at what they described as pornography.

A survey at a top Nairobi girls’ school entitled Prison Break found that 87 per cent of the students would sneak out at night to go to clubs or to meet their boyfriends.

Another entitled Shag is now the Hug found that 36 per cent of the girls had already had their first sexual experience, while three quarters of them were now sexually active.

Due to editorial constraints I feel it is my obligation to inform you that several other surveys and studies were left out. These include;

1. Blow job is the new hand shake
2. Anal sex is now the new missionary
3. Herpes cold sore is the new pimple
4. Fisting is the new hand clap
5. Cunnilingus is the new massage

Please feel free to leave the names of other studies I may have missed in the comments at the end of the post.

I've also been gathering steam to blog about work which is turning more and more into a page from Dilbert with each day that passes. Case in point would be how staff in my Department got tired of being sent out meeting requests via Outlook which my Head of Department would then reschedule and send again and again. You could answer an invite for a meeting 3 different times due to his puttering around his schedule. Of course people got tired of that and didn't always answer the invites. So come meeting time he would have to go to people's offices in person and remind them about the meeting. Needless to say a Team Meeting was called about that and we were told to check our invites diligently, I almost wanted to tell him that he needs to spend less time fooling around with Outlook; but we both know I have bills to pay so that wasn't happening.

Anyway you know how it is when you get back on the bike, you can't ride too long before your legs begin to hurt and your crotch feels like hell; so I'll let this post end here.

Have a great Monday.....

Friday, December 12, 2008

I Thought It Would Never Come........

As you can tell I'm talking about Friday. I was getting tired of the dilbertesque stuff that goes on at work, I promise I will blog about it. I've learned how to roll with the punches and keep my head down.

Anyway I came across this and it made my blood boil. I know Africans get screwed in the name of charity but now to get literally screwed in the name of charity, that's a bit much. I also wonder what kind of exotic STDs this chic might have after going around the world screwing in the name of charity.

Over Thanksgiving when I went to the Kenyan club, I had had a few drinks before getting there to help the experience go down faster (you do know by now clubs bore me stiff). So as I was going to the bar to recharge I see this dude whose head is barely at the bar and he seems to be holding himself up by his forarms. So in my head the first thing I thought, "did these bastids ship in chang'aa or some other moonshine?"

So I go closer to the bar to see if I can find out if the the dude is fine. As I got closer I then realized he was a little person aka midget. Needless to say I was glad I hadn't been expressing those thoughts to someone otherwise I would have looked like a fool.

Looking at this, I'm glad I don't eat alot of fast food. Sad thing is that that isn't the only fast food joint where staff have been busted messing around in the sink. Speaking of hygiene and such, anyone remember how butchers in Kenya would always have their coats slathered in blood, looking like they hadn't been washed in weeks; but funny enough that didn't affect the flavour of the meat? I won't even go into how the meat itself was handled being tossed in the back of pick ups, but since we are here in one piece I won't complain.

Anyway before I leave, gentlemen here is a good gift idea to buy your ladies this holiday season....

Have a nice weekend!

Friday, December 05, 2008

Missing In Action..........

Yes it's been a while since I last blogged. Thanksgiving passed last week, it was good to have a 4 day weekend. I did the early shopping trip to the mall, got some nice clothes at very low prices. Plus I did not trample anyone to death like happened elsewhere. I also went to one of the Kenyan clubs and there was nothing that went on really worth mentioning but I may blog about it next week.

Also World AIDS day just passed us by. In true Kenyan style I am 2 days late. Out here if the media is anything to go by, HIV/AIDS is the sole preserve of gays and minorities. So there was not too much in the mainstream media marking the day. I am sure much more was done in Kenya since it's a far larger issue but even so whenever infection statistics go down people tend to go back to the same destructive behaviour that got them where they were in the past. I am a strong advocate for transparent conversation about the issue, not talking about it will not make it go away.

I was watching this video by Attitude, Mercy Myra and some other loose kubaff. I recall the last video by this dude and Bamboo that critiqued had someone tell me, "if you don't like it, don't watch/listen." Easy to say but people forget that unless you are independantly wealthy and doing it for the sake of art, music is a business. Unless you plan to sit at home with all the cds you pressed you have to make music people want to listen to. Pride has never sold any records as far as I know, so I think that musicians and their fans need to listen at times to so called "haters." Like in the case of that video, I'll be honest; there is little that sets it apart from any other single you can find on myspace made with someone's camcorder. I think someone like Mercy Myra would have been doing so much better had she stayed in Kenya on the afro fusion scene because to be honest, there are one thousand and one girls out here singing hooks on rap singles and they haven't gone to far. Anyway I'm about to be accused of hating so I'll let that topic rest for now.

I have always found it amazing about how people choose to let their impressions of a place overcome reality. What am I talking about? The American economy. I have been chatting to more than one person who isn't Stateside and when I mention that the American economy is in the gutter they give me a reaction like I told them that pigs do indeed fly. For the longest time people have held the impression that the States is the land of milk and honey, it's not all chaos here right now but let's just say the milk is flowing at the speed of sour cream and the honey is crystalizing. Case in point, the city I live in has recently closed a Fire Station, put employees on 35 hour work weeks instead of the usual 40 so as to save money/jobs and also just closed 22 recreation centers. I'm not even going to start with the big companies/corporations because anyone who can lay off employees is doing it. I do plan on doing a more in depth post about how the recession, credit crunch and housing crisis here is really affecting people. So I do think that life in the States is not as rosy as people make it out to be, but you are welcome to disagree.

Another example of the bad reporting Kenyans have to put up with.

"Raila Junior and Mr Joseph Muhoho were travelling in a sleek Mercedes Benz when it rammed a BMW belonging to one of their friends on Valley Road at dawn."

Unless it was a feature story, according to journalism 101 you report only the neccesary facts. It doesn't matter if the Merc was sleek, dirty or ramshackle unless it had something to do with the accident. Anyway the less said about it the better.

Ah speaking of laying off. A boss walks into his company, business has been exteremely poor and he has bad news for his 2 employees.

Boss: Janet, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off.
Janet: I have a headache, can you Jack off instead?

Stale I know. Viva la weekend!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Back To The Grind........

I'm not a big fan of American commercials but this ad cracked me up big time! I mean that kid had to have been in the possession of some hard core porn for his mum to be so shaken that badly. Also how the issues just kept on coming, I bet he had a year's worth under there! But he has one get away free card...say it belongs to dad!

They say a sucker is born every minute, I think this woman was born for an hour in that case. I'll let you read the story and come up with your own conclusion.

A friend of mine sent me this article. All I could say is, why in the world can't people read directions?! One way of doing things right, but 10,000 ways of screwing it up!

Another great example of irony below.

A "conscious" rapper doing a song an advert about keeping it real, sponsored by a multi-billion dollar corporation ie Coke. Yes Common, you is a ho! That's the simplest way to put it, I think he just turned into the subject of "I used to love h.e.r."

Could someone out there please tell me the meaning of this article. I read it, and I must say that it is completely and utterly pointless!

To cap off what was an okay weekend, I found a Farmer's Market that is not too far away from my place. Other than the fresh fruit and veggies you can get there, some of which you won't get in regular supermarkets is the unexpected treats that you do find there. I found sugarcane! I've never shared this info before but The Acolyte loves to chew sugarcane. When I was younger back home, my mum used to know the one thing she should bring me from the market was sugarcane. I was such a pro that I got to know if sugarcane was sweet or not just by looking at it, and needless to say my skills didn't desert me this weekend. So I ended up being quite a site walking out of a shop with a 4 foot long stalk of sugarcane, some white dude actually asked me what I was going to do with it; so now you know how unfamiliar people out here are when it comes to certain things. Anyway seeing as Monday is here it's time to get ready to be back on grind, too bad I can't bring my knife and my sugar cane to work...............

Friday, November 14, 2008

Life Goes On...........

Men and women are interesting beings I have always thought. It has always been a running argument whether men and women can just be friends. I think in many cases it can be true but there are certain caveats attached to this. You see many times when a dude is being a chic's friend he is operating what I like to refer to as the submarine approach. I'm sure you are all aware of how a submarine can travel submerged under the waves, so deep that it hardly causes a ripple in the surface with the boats hardly detecting their presence. Then all of a sudden torpedoes are launched, ships are sank and up pops the sub! Or in a more apt analogy, she wakes up in bed with the dude next her and the first thing that comes out of her mouth is the chorus of this song.

So basically what I'm saying is that some men instead of being bold and coming out with their intentions, will start out as friends and then ingratiate themselves into a girl's heart (and panties). But we all know that with some women there is little if any chance of jumping out of the friend category and into the boyfriend category, so when some men attempt this move they are given the good old LJBF (let's just be friends) speech. And of course after this speech is delivered one of two things might happen,

1. The dude decides to stay on the scene like a vulture hovering over the calf that is trying to cross the Mara, knowing that one day the calf may just stumble and that is when he will strike.

2. The dude does a cost benefit analysis and decides that him being the chic's "friend" isn't time effective and he pulls a fast fade.

More often than not unless a dude is really whipped or patient, they usually opt for number 2 or move to number 2 after trying number 1 for a while. This is of course not to say that there aren't dudes out there who hang out with chics just for the sake of being friends, there are. But alot of the time when a dude invests a lot of time in a chic past the point of basic friendship ie doing stuff for you, taking you to go shopping, helping you move. Rest assured he is just laying groundwork for something and not being a nice guy (unless he is an emasculated/gay nice guy - I can see the flack coming for that already). So ladies keep an eye out when a dude is giving you more attention than usual, and dudes maybe we should save time and energy and just ask her the immortal question...........shall we shag now or shall we shag later?

Frankly, I'm surprised that I'm not hearing any complaints about this poorly written article. I mean look at that deadline (Kenyan women are gold diggers). Either it's true or Kenyan women just dont care what's said about them. I can only complain so much about the state of Kenyan journalism so I'm going to leave this to the rest of you to discuss.

I'm pretty glad that Friday is here. Going to work really bores me, it's like running on a hamster wheel I tell you. But since I get to bum once in a while, it could be worse; so I'm not going to complain. A workmate is having a small bash, since it's going to be byob; I'll have to bring something appropriate that won't burn a hole in my pocket. I shall also make sure that I leave my Kenyan tendancies at the door. Don't be coy, you know what I'm talking about; you peeps who go to byob carrying a bottle of Kenya Cane but walk out at the end of the night with a bottle of Absolut Vodka!

ps: I had a very interesting experience last weekend (and no it did not involve sex, so get your mind out of the gutter!). It's one of those experiences blogging can't do justice, so I guess I can only share with people I hang out with in person.

Have a nice weekend and stay out of trouble.

Friday, November 07, 2008

A New Day Has Come & Other Things............

In true Acolyte like fashion, I walk into the party after the confetti has settled. So we are all aware that a new day has dawned in America with the election of the first non-white President. Please note I did not say black, one thing I learned in an Anthropology class is that race is a social construct. To society Obama is black but when it comes to genetics he is bi-racial, feel free to debate that issue.

I do say that it is a new day but not a new age, the world and America are still far from their own lions laying down with lambs in the racial arena but I will concede and say that some progress has been made. But I also give marks to Obama for running as a candidate for all people regardless of race. This should also inspire the younger generation that sometimes it is possible for some dreams to come true regardless of what color you are.

Given the havoc Bush and his ilk have reeked for the last 8 years it truly was time for change. And for that alone I understand why the world celebrated. It is also a wonderful thing of course that Obama is of Kenyan descent via his father. And in true African style we have claimed him as one of our own. Well sorry to say this but that is like a dead beat dad only showing up when the son he left behind joins the NBA. At the end of the day Obama is more American than African. So for us as Kenyans to think that since he is in the White House that we shall be favored amongst African nations is a dream. Obama's first priority first and foremost will be America and to quote myself, "if you cut him, he shall bleed red, white and blue."

Anyway Obama has hardly anytime to rest on his laurels and celebrate, the U.S is in a state and a half and all eyes are on him to set things right. Call me paranoid but studies have shown that companies are more liable to employ a female or minority to a high ranking position so as to set them up to be a scape goat when things go down the drain. Well we all know that many parties were dead set against Obama so this isn't the same situation but very similar in my opinion given the size of the task he has to face.

Oh well let me stop being a wet blanket. Go out there and share the cheer! Make chickens and bulls regret the day they were born! Make the breweries groan!

ps: In my true snarky manner, was Jesse Jackson crying at at Grant Park because his career is in the pits? Remember this is the the same chap who wanted to cut off Obama's nuts for "talking down" to black people. Well, I'm sure he saw the light and pocketed his burdizzo (thank you 8-4-4!) and will be more of an asset to Obama in the future.

pps: Another wonderful reason not to get drunk around certain people.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Another Week Bites The Dust

Anyone who knows the Acolyte will tell you that in many ways he is child like. You see much as a child will play with a new toy every day and then one day toss it to the curb is how I am when it comes to a joke. I shall run it over in my head and laugh at it for days at the most inopportune moments.

A good case in point is a certain live performance by Keith Sweat. Here is the link, as usual he starts out by begging for the ass but it gets fun for me at the 7:45 mark when Akon makes a surprise appearance on stage. Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaay didn't Keith Sweat play his ass! You know those ones of 10 - 0,I bet he was walking off stage for real. I would if a whole stadium was laughing at me. The worst thing is that I remembered that segment of the song at work when the Head of our Department was dressing us down after a meeting, so while people are looking at the ground in fake remorse or looking at each other in fake confusion; I was there failing at stifling a grin. Good times! Sadly I'll give that incident a day or two and I won't find it funny anymore. But the girl on the table in the last post and the belly dancer still crack me up!

The video below is dedicated to Milo, Intel and Archer. Word on the street is that ya'll love the big gurls. Ducks missiles from the trio.

Sadly my 1 month of working a 4 day work week is over. No more 3 day weekends. I had become rather fond of having my end of week be on a Friday despite the longer work days I ended up having as a result. I just now want to shed the insomnia that for some reason I have gotten over the past week, I have been sleeping an average of only 4-5 hours per night. The funny thing though is that I am not that worn out but my mind does go on it's own tangents during the day.

Well today is Halloween aka Dress Like A Whore Day, other than my usual ceremonies done under the cover of darkness I won't be doing much of note. I'm way too old to trick or treat and I'm too broke to give the neighborhood kids any candy.

Have a nice weekend.........

Monday, October 27, 2008

Another Day.........

Once again I decide to appear and wipe the dust off the blog. I guess my life has become so mundane that I let the joy of blogging pass me by. So this is my feeble attempt to get back on the wagon.

Anyone who knows me a bit knows if there is one thing that I abhor, it's bad journalism. Sadly Kenyan newspapers are constant offenders, this article is a good example.

When TLC released their one time hit song, “you are my little secret and that’s how we should keep it,” we all sang along to it little knowing that at one point in our lives, the song would bring grief to women when they discovered that very men out there have mastered the art of deceiving them into thinking that they are the only women in the said men’s lives when in reality, they have a string of others hanging around them.

Please view this video, Xscape sang the song. Fact checking is fundamental.

I also read an article in the Nation about corruption at the UNEP headquarters in Nairobi. I would also like to tell you that the sun rises in the East, water is wet and the Pope is Catholic.

I ran across this wonderful video that I felt I had to share.

If you weren't as amused as I was then you need to loosen up. I also ran across this jewel below.

Tables of the world united for against oppression! Don't you think it was apt that a gospel song began playing after her fall esp with those lyrics; "we fall down, but we get up" Classic!

One more video for the road.

In my book nothing beats a good laugh as long as nobody gets hurt, then it's just hilarious!

I was reading this article in the Standard about the cost of child birth. That there is a wonderful motivator not to ever have a kid unless you can afford the cost. For 200k that kid had better turn out to be someone of note otherwise with no shame I would send him an invoice for being born and tack on some interest!

I would also like to congratulate M and J for tying the knot recently and wish them all the best!

Oh and to Chelsea fans out there (ahem Archer and co.) Have that! Go sit with Man U in the corner....

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Behold The Prodigal Bastard Returneth.....

It's been like 2 weeks since I've blogged. How time flies when you are busy and blogger's block is catching up with you.

For those of your who read my blog on the regular, I am sure you are more than aware of my dislike for flying within the States. This story further affirmed my beliefs. If a dude who works at an airport can take that much out of it, I would venture to say that it should be just easy for someone to bring stuff in. And lest I forget, if you stay here long enough you realize that everything out here is toned by race, so when it came out that the baggage thief was black (as area large number of TSA employees), cue the racist comments from some quarters.

Unless you have been living under a rock, I'm sure you're aware of the housing crash that's been going on. it's gotten so bad that some people are electing to take their lives.

In Massachusetts, a housewife who had hidden her family's mounting financial crisis from her husband sends a note to the mortgage company warning: "By the time you foreclose on my house, I'll be dead." Then Carlene Balderrama shot herself to death, leaving an insurance policy and a suicide note on a table.

In the note she also told the family to pay for the house with the insurance money. My sympathy to the family but that is where she gets a big fail, life insurance doesn't pay out in the case of suicide. Anyway the bullet has already left the magazine so me analyzing the situation won't do much good.
As I was telling a friend of mine, part of the problem here in the States came from the fact that the government decided that everyone should have the right to the American dream which is to own their own home and passed legislation to give the means for that to happen. Since not everyone has the financial means, in come the sub prime lenders who made it possible for those who wouldnt ordinarily have been able to own a home to get a piece of the pie. Of course the lenders never had a worst case scenario for what would happen the day the borrowers wouldn't be able to come through so here we are now.

I blame the following statement on long lines in the supermarket that make me end up flipping through the tabloids at the cashier's. Why is it that despite slinking in and breaking up Jeniffer Aniston's marriage to Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie still gets great press (apart from when she loses some weight and they think she is dying)? While on the other hand Jeniffer Aniston is always shown as a loser when it comes to love? I do know Angelina's philanthropy does earn her some plus points but it still doesn't explain all the love the tabloids give her. Anyway let me not think about it any longer lest I start watching TMZ and other showbiz crap that comes on tv.

Well, I have a longer work day to attend to with this temporary 4 day work week so till next time..................

Friday, October 03, 2008

Yet Again Friday Is Here!

I know it's been a minute and a half since I blogged. This and work have taken up alot of my time. The storm in Texas really affected the petrol supply over here. Most gas stations have been out of gas and those that have a somewhat more reliable supply run out in record time due to people queuing to buy as much gas as they can. It made me realise how much people here depend on their cars to get around. It was so bad in some areas that people were lining up for hours to fill up. Well on my part it wasn't so bad seeing as which being Kenyan I know how to deal with shortages, I made sure I cut down my trips to the bare minimum. Also instead of lining up at my local gas station what I did was go to sleep and then I woke at 4 am and went to fill my car and carried a 4 gallon gas can with me which I filled up too. For some reason I forgot the gas can in my trunk and drove to work with it. Let's just say with the combination of the hot car interior and the petrol fumes that had seeped into the car, I think I became high by the time I got home from work.

Anyway onto a pet peeve that I have had for sometime but never expressed. I'm tired of black people out here saying they are "Indian" no not Asia Indian but Native American Indian. I was in College with this girl who said it was wrong to call her African American since she had Indian in her lineage. No she didn't look multiracial at all nor did she have colored eyes or anything. She had brown skin and brown eyes just like the rest of us. The Census bureau in the States says only about 10% or so of black people can claim Native American ancestry. But the way black folk out here happily claim it you would think it's more like 70%! Why can't people learn to accept who they are?! It's just as sad as how "good hair" for black people basically means hair that is straight and long like white folks' hair; I'm sorry but when and where black people evolved that kind of hair had no use at all, good hair my ass! Just wait till I hear someone say that.....

And in Dilbert land aka my job, I have two 2 hour meetings today. The first being a staff meeting. I remember nodding off during the last one since the staff handbook was being read out to us with certain sections being explained. Anyone who knows me is well aware that I don't fare well in meetings that go past 1 hour. The second meeting of the day which is with three other people and since I'm the person with the most knowledge, I'm expected to participate. What's sad though is that one of the people there is one if these people who always have to be involved in everything and thinks they know it all even when they are wrong so I'm going to have to put up with alot of mouth breathing and stupid questions. I remember one day during a meeting I looked at this person and imagined myself stepping behind them and slapping them on the back of the head for talking too much trash. Needless to say I started smiling and when asked this was my weak answer, "I'm simply looking forward to the challenge."
That is the fun that is my life.

Oh and lest I forget, the economy here is going down the drain! Most powerful country in the World my ass........

Friday, September 26, 2008

Another Friday.....

My number 1 day of the week has come around!

I was online and came across this, here in the States in some nursing jobs you buy your own uniform so I guess they decided to cash into people's vanity by making scrubs. But in my opinion I see it as excessive esp if you may end up with someone else's bodily fluids on you but anyway to each their own. Although what irritates me is when people tattoo those designer labels on themselves, unless you have an endorsement deal or the company saved your life or there is a major and I mean MAJOR memory you have attached to the company; I think that's b.s. Anyhow as I said, to each their own.

As the economy here slowly implodes, Clay Aiken decided to come out of the closet. I'm sure he noticed the lack of a ticker tape parade since the closet he was in was made out of glass. I know I'm going to get called out for this but it was soooooooo obvious that he was gay, now if only he could drag some other people out of the closet with him.

I came across this tragic story online. I would advise the men in Nyanza to read it before trooping off to their nearest doctor for the cut because that cut could end up being a chop. It's like he took a plank to the carpenter to be trimmed and sanded only for the carpenter to chop the plank into a splinter just because he saw a small fault in the grain. I want to go on and on with the wise cracks but this isn't funny but rest assured should I ever go for surgery the first thing I shall do before I am put under anesthesia is take hold of the surgeon and scream at him not to chop off my penis no matter what and should they get any ideas I would have written in a black marker just above my crotch area (DO NOT TOUCH NO MATTER WHAT!).

Anyway that's my boring life for today, have a nice weekend!

Friday, September 19, 2008

Dear Naomi and Other Things......

Dear Naomi Campbell,
I have admired your work as a super model for many years and your volatile character has always provided many interesting incidents that have kept me entertained but I also recall that in the past you admit that you did abuse drugs like cocaine but you have now conquered the habit. Well Naomi, the mind is a powerful thing in that it can rationalize anything. I watched the commercial above where after you drank some Sobe Life Water while you were on the beach and all of a sudden some lizards on the beach began to play music for you and dance; this was especially after one lizard managed to catch a drop of your water with it's tongue.
As a reasonably educated man I have learnt not to discount anything without research, it is that in mind using 3 other different individuals as test and control subjects, I attempted to replicated the phenomena in an environment as identical to where your incident occurred. Despite our concerted attempts at no time whatsoever did any lizards on the beach attempt to drink some of our water, in fact they scurried away when we attempted to offer them some, the ones that did not scurry away did not play miniature musical instruments or dance for us. After running different scenarios, accounting for the implausibility of lizards playing instruments/dancing, the non-existance of the sub-species of lizard in your commercial, and studying the data we collected; I came to one shattering conclusion.

You are still on drugs!!! I know that may be hard to believe Naomi, but admitting you have a problem is the first step to solving a problem. I would like you to know that I am here for you. The expensive rehab facilities you are accustomed to are obviously not the solution, it is that in mind that I welcome you to convalesce in my apartment. I will gladly accept half of what you pay the rehab facilities since I am not in this for the money but out of concern and empathy. I look forward to your reply.

Your Dear Friend,
The Acolyte

In other news, anyone familiar with US tv knows that it's packed with reality tv shows. So anyway Diddy aka P.Diddy or whatever else he calls himself has a show called "I want to work for Diddy", it's like the apprentice in that all the competitors compete in different challenges with the ultimate prize being to work for Diddy. So anyway there is the story of this chica, who used to work in the entertainment industry and had a figure and a half but after lots of dudes tried to sleep with her she decided to gain weight to fend them off (so she says) read the story here. But the joke was on her when she said this in a later interview:

Lots of women are constantly approached and harassed by men sexually in business, in the music business it’s rampant. So yes, I really thought after over 10 years of dealing with that crap, that I could make myself sexually unattractive to men and then they would listen to me rather than look at me. It was maddddd stupid, I ruined a pretty damn good figure, but sometimes when you’re desperate you make dumb decisions. Now I attract men who like big girls, and jerks in the business are still jerks. Hey, you live and you learn. VH1 Blog

Ladies let me tell you one thing. No matter what you do to yourself there is a man out there who will still sleep with you, heck there are men out there who will sniff out and try to sleep with anything that has vagina. So the only thing that mama did was mess up her health. I guess ya'll have different coping mechanisms.

Anyway don't drink too much Sobe Life Water and have a nice weekend.........

Monday, September 15, 2008

Monday Monday Monday..............

Anyone who has read my blog knows that when it comes to travel, there is nothing I abhor as much as flying within the continental United States. The long waits, over booked flights, indifferent ground crew, old planes, no meals/snacks, luggage restrictions and the invasive security checks. It was an enlightening experience to read this article about how working as a member of the flight crew aka air hostesses has lost alot of perks and prestige over the years.

I want to share the picture below which I got from a blog that I read that discusses social issues. This is a magazine stand at a local library.

For some reason Blogger chose to crop the pic but there is also a notice lower in the pic also asking readers of JET to produce ID at the front desk if they want to read it. On the surface this sounds pretty racist given the fact that the same isn't asked  of for readers of the other magazines that are available. The other magazines from the subject matter would seem to have a majority white readership while the same can't be said of JET or Essence which are ready predominantly by blacks. So the notices would have been clearly racist if for no reason all of a sudden the librarian decided to put them up just because black people like reading those magazines and in their opinion are more likely to make off with them. But on the other hand someone who works in a public library attested to the fact that those magazines and urban lit tend to be stolen far more often than other magazines, so the only thing they could do was to ask anyone who wanted to read them to produce ID. Even so, it would still be easy for you to think that most black people who go to the public library are thieves but I wonder what would happen if they put copy of Black Enterprise magazine on the shelf, I very highly doubt that it would go missing. The pedestrian conclusion, black people are thieves, the better conclusion; a certain demographic of black people is more likely to steal a magazine from the library. If you have any other interesting viewpoint please feel free to share....

And just to muddy the waters for you, the librarian did say that there are other magazines that are mainstream that they also ask people to present ID to read.....

I was reading this article in the Standard (one of the few interesting ones in quite a while), and I was thankful that I have never been under a boss who slept their way there (no pun intended). I have had bosses who got there by kissing ass rather than giving up some ass, but at least they had a basic idea of what they were doing. I guess that is one reason I abhor the corporate world since the politics that goes on there is nothing short of machavellian, this is not to say the same doesn't happen in the non-profit sector, it does but on lesser levels. I can only imagine having to do your own work, your bosses work and also cover your ass when they screw up. What's worse is that more often than not the higher up who is screwing your boss most probably knows that's the case but as long as they are getting what they want they don't care. An interesting angle that came up in the article is the advantage that women have over men in the work environment, if they choose to they can simply sleep with the right person and they are set but of course the author didn't look at the flip side; refuse to sleep with the boss and they could make life hell for you. I have heard such stories and they are not pretty at all. I now understand why some people choose to own their own businesses, at the end of the day they decide who to screw.

In other news I am trying to get inspiration to wrap up the long forgotten Drama Post series or maybe start a whole new series altogether. There's always some crazy ish that went down in my past that I could blog about if I could get a good reason to. Oh Liverpool beating ManUre was a nice touch to the weekend I must say. My mouse is also really acting the fool, it's made blogging so much harder, time to relearn all those keyboard shortcuts.

Have fun working people, I have Monday off! For once I come out on top.......

Friday, September 12, 2008

Yet Another Friday!

One thing that many Kenyans struggle with when they come to the States is the fine art of tipping. You see back home there is no set formula per se when it comes to tipping. You either do it or you don't. You do it if you like the place, if it's high class or you are a regular there and have a good rapport with the staff. It's a whole different ball game in the States where most people in the service industry are paid far less than other professional so tips are a major part of their income and also a way of showing appreciation for their work.
Unfortunately many people don't realize that so I have gone out to eat with friends and have people look at me weirdly when they see me doing some quick math in my head before leaving a tip while they either wouldn't or would just leave any loose change that was gathering lint in their pockets. But on the other hand I do admit that the issue of who should be tipped and who shouldn't be tipped is rather complex and confusing. I read this article for some guidance and came to this fine conclusion, I'll carry my own bags, make my own coffee, buy food from the drive through, drink at home and do my own hair! It's too expensive out there for a man like me.

I know some rap/hip-hop lovers are going to try and hunt me down but I'm going to say this anyway. Lil Wayne's voice gets on my nerves, yes the dude can rhyme but there is only so much of his voice I can take in an hour. I mean listen to this song and tell me you can sit down and listen to that for an hour straight?

If I wasn't so apathetic about everything, I would blog about my workplace is slowly but surely turning into a bad episode of The Office. Well as that slowly happens I am slowly turning into one of the subsets of employees I once learned about in a class about Personnel Management. The character in question is called the Conserver. You see Conservers know how to do their job as fast as possible with the least needed effort and in the optimal amount of time (not too long, not too short). In addition to this I have also learnt that in my organization innovation results in more work for you but more credit to someone else usually a superior ( I learnt this the hard way). But let it be known that this Conserver did not go to school for all those years for nothing, I have also mastered the fine art of dissuading superiors from appropriating other organizations' concepts and putting me in charge of it by appealing to their fiscal sense of responsibility. So in a nutshell I do what I'm paid to do and keep my head down, that's pretty much it; anything else will cost them extra......

Before I leave, time for a PSA. A good friend of mine is doing a 3 day walk to raise money for Breast Cancer research. I know this issue affects and has affected many of us, so if you can please make a donation or give moral support! Thanks!

TGIF and bon weekend!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Behold Hump Day Is Upon Us!

After reading this article in the Nation about the depths that Kenyans have now stooped to in the aim of Westernization and to make money, I was extremely shocked and appalled. Yes Kenyans have sex, but remember just a few years we were the same people who were scandalised about sex related issues like AIDS being discussed openly. It seems that conservative nature of Kenyans that had local magazines like Men Only banned deserted us faster than I thought. We have slowly changed from the kind of people who would drop an old newspaper in front of a new vendor and signal him to slip in an issue of a Ugandan smut magazine to the kind of people who would star in local porn and with no shame buy it in the mail or at the nearest exhibition.

What worries me even more is that in our haste to embrace all that is Western. Sex isn't a Western concept but taping it and selling it for public consumption is unless someone out there has a research that tribe xyz used to have their local artist watch people have sex, inscribe it on scrolls and barter trade it to the village over the next ridge; I'll stick with that idea. As I was saying, even the seemingly boundless porn market in the West has regulation, checks and measures. The "performers" even have associations that look after their welfare. I highly doubt there is anything of the sort in the fledgling industry.

Anyway given the epidemic like spread of these videos, I doubt the underfunded and archaic Kenyan censorship board shall be able to do much about it. Also given the close knit nature of Kenyan society it's only a matter of time till the performers in these videos get recognised as they walk down the street. That kind of fame is hard to shrug off, so I hope they can handle the consequences of being stars of the small screen. 

It would have been foolish and idealistic of me to think that this day would never come but still I cry for my country.

Several minutes later, wipes tears, looks around and whispers...."Does anyone have one of those videos.....I want to watch one for research purposes only" 

My Head of Department and the CEO are out of the office for the next 2 days. Hello late arrival and late lunch! When the cat is away.....

Due to public demand (or should I say Eclipse), I have decided to wake my weary bones and attempt to finish the Drama Post series....

Friday, September 05, 2008

Behold The Weekend Is Here!

Whenever I tell people that I am eccentric and that I have many interesting quirks they usually discount it until they meet me in person. I was just thinking of one of my quirks that I was sharing with a friend. It really turns my stomach when people use "da" instead of "the" ie da beat instead of the beat. I know it's meant to be cool and hip but whenever I hear that it sounds like nails on chalkboard to me. But no I do not speak in Ye Old English, I do use slang but irregardless "da" really bothers me.

In other news I think I am going through severe dog withdrawal, you see before I came out here I have always had a dog or dogs. So coming out here and not having a pet would get to me sooner or later, me getting a dog of my own is out of the question. I don't think it would be fair to coop up a dog in an apartment the whole day while I'm at work, at least in Kenya they could run around in your compound when you were gone. So I have come up with a solution, I am going to start dating a woman who has a dog, preferably a gold labrador retriever with a friendly disposition. I can see some of you scowling, at least I'm not planning on using her for sex. This would be a beneficial relationship for the three of us; me, her and rover. I think I should begin drafting my must have a dog personal ad right now, wish me luck!

I was reading this article in a scientific journal that posed the theory that, it is not that we forget things over time, it's just that we are unable to recall them. I've noticed that even though I forget alot of things like everyone else, in my mind I tend to like alot of things and that helps me recall somethings I was never even thinking about in the first place. I was online and I saw a picture of a comic called Secret Six, the next thought that came in mind was Secret Seven and after that the next thing I remembered was the name of the author of the Secret Seven, Enid Blyton. I was not a big fan of her books but I do remember that in primary school the library had quite a few of her books for the younger students. I guess the big lesson here is that if you want to remember something easily, associate something with it so recall will become a whole lot easier. Thats my PSA message for today.

I have decided to take a break from highlighting fashion disasters to instead sharing some funny cartoons I found online.

The cartoon above is funny to me because many techno songs are actually that repetitive! If you have the first 30 secs you have the whole song! Have a nice weekend people!

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

And The World Keeps On Turning....

That song sums up how I feel about my job right now. It's all about going through the motions right now I tell you. There is so much I could vent about right now but in a nutshell, the Head of my Department is one of those people who think they know it all, a kiss ass and a glory hog. My immediate supervisor is as lazy as ever, I do most of her work but she gets the glory and doesn't want to learn anything new since that involves work. The CEO is a dinosaur stuck in the past, won't step out of the box, micromanages us instead of doing her job (fund-raising) and also doesn't want to learn anything new at all (the next time I'm called to her office to help with a simple function in Word 2007 someone is going to get it!). So if any of you have been noticing the lessening frequency of my blogging and the plummeting standards blame it on me trying to keep my sanity while working with and for idiots. Yes, I know someone out there is going to tell me to get a new job, in the next 3 months I'm putting out my feelers because the economy right now is rubbish. Finding jobs is a chore but don't worry The Acolyte will prevail, He always does.

In other news, things are so narrow for many school districts out here in the States that 4 day school weeks are becoming the order of the day. Also don't think that cost sharing is a uniquely Kenyan issue, government funding to local schools doesn't figure in the cost of play grounds and sports. So schools have to fund those by themselves and of course the cost is passed on to the parents who are already over burdened by rising gas costs among other things. A county in my state recently lost it's accreditation due to poor management by the School Board, this means among other things that kids graduating high school from there aren't eligible for government aid and many colleges won't consider them for scores at all. So many of them have transferred schools but the catch is that their old schools won't and can't bus them to their new schools some of which are over an hours drive away, so of course the parents have to drive them or they have to catch several public buses to get there. Yes things aren't as rosy as they seem on the high school movies you watch.

Anyway let me stop moaning and share some fashion disasters.....

I think someone shouldn't have ran away from their appointment at the salon

I guess we know what happened to the neighbor's basket

No comment

Have a productive day all!!!!!!!!

Friday, August 29, 2008

And The Week Is Over......

Have you ever noticed that when it comes to giving opinions about things Kenyans or even other Africans have done, there is nothing like constructive criticism. You are either seen as all praise or all criticism or hating.

My case in point is like the case of the Kenyan dude who had this big nursing school somewhere in the States. It was doing pretty well till due to some financial mismanagement of some sort the school went under. When the news was released there were those in "the know" who pointed out where and when he went wrong. Then of course came the counters from the other side who accused the detractors of being jealous.

My question is why can't we take some criticism as what it is, just that. We don't do perfect things but whenever someone comes round and gives some constructive criticism, they are accused of being haters and never wanting another Kenyan to succeed. It's that lack of acceptance of criticism that leads to many failures because when you look at the way many Kenyans run things, they won't take any criticism till sooner or later what they are doing fails and most probably wouldn't have if they just listened to their "detractors".

Let's look at the video below by some U.S based Kenyan musicians.

For one the video is very well made and produced, but that's just about it. The rhymes are the usual 1-2-3 Kenyan style and the lyrics suck too. But we both know if I went to YouTube and posted that, after being called a hater I would be told to make a better video myself. Me making a video or not doesn't hide the songs flaws. That's the Kenyan attitude, you are either with us or against us. Anyway I have said enough about that.

In other news I have a 3 day weekend coming up! 2 days never seems enough for a weekend, so now I get an extra day just for me. By the way does BBA 3 stream online? From the little I know it seems that Kenya has a somewhat decent rep in the house this time round as opposed to the last two losers we had in there. I have never been a big fan of reality tv, live out here long enough and you will see every single theme possible milked dry; but to see Africans do their thing in the house I shall make an exception this time round. So if anyone has any link out there please share.....

Monday, August 18, 2008

Monday Moanings Part XVIII

For those of you who just watched this video and went "huh?" The whole vid basically sums up LisaRaye's response to being kicked to the curb by the Premier of Turks and Caicos whom she married around 2 years ago in a Hollywood style wedding. Any it seems that her hubby had a roving eye of sorts and even had a rape accusation come up against him a few months ago, I guess when he allegedly took up with a BET TV host whom 50 cent once called a hoe, she had her publicist release a statement then went partying in NY with Lil Kim and co.

So now it seems Lisa Raye had a change of heart and decided that being Island royalty trumps ego, so she went back home only to get a statement that her husband was filing for divorce and wanted to do so quietly and amicably. So this is what happened as a result;

LisaRaye, who was banned from the main house, drove her car through a barricade at the house, parked her car and barged into a closed door meeting between the Premiere and his cabinet ministers.

She allegedly pounced on Misick and commenced to sink her teeth into his flesh. Another man who attempted to separated the former lovers, was also bitten. Both Raye and Misick were treated for human bites at a local hospital and LisaRaye was placed under arrest.

So what I wonder is did he bite her back or did his bodyguard bit her back or what?! I have no idea if the video above was shot before or after her arrest. But I do love the way she throws him under the bus in the beginning of the interview. Don't you just love the sneer on her face when she says, "I will continue to be uplifting and pray for him"

I do admire her saying about how she is planning on continuing to do alot for the Island even when from what I read, the people of the Island never took a major liking to her that and the fact that her soon to be former husband is the Premier means that she won't be around for much longer. I'm sure she knew what her husband was doing but I guess when he took up with a public figure and embarrassed her she decided enough was enough, that and the unexpected divorce announcement but even so I do feel the whole issue could have been handled better; I mean how can you both say you want to handle matters in private yet press releases are being sprayed like mass media is going to be banned? But the way it's going on right now it just means more drama for me to enjoy in my boring life.

Anyway what would our Monday be without "You Shoulda Stayed At Home!" segment? Now Monday is here with us, sadly so the grind has to begin again. I really do need to become independently wealthy because this working thing isn't doing much for me. Suggestions and ideas people?

Real Friends Make Honest Comments About What Their Friends Are Wearing

Girl In The Front Left, "I think this much of her (makes hand gesture)" - Feel free to caption

I Can Explain, She Fainted In The Club And He's Listening For A Pulse

Is He Blowing On Her Stomach Like You Do Babies?

Has Anyone Seen My Skin Moisturiser and My Neck?

Clubbing Is Hard Work

Clubbing Can Indeed Be Overwhelming

I shall leave this one for ya'll to caption because I looked at it and all I could do was shake my head.....

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Behold, Hump Day Is Upon Us!!!!!!!!!!

I was reading this article about restaurant cleanliness and it gave me some interesting memories about Kenya. I remember in Kenya we did have health inspectors but how much inspecting they did was debatable. I do know for a fact that they did used to inspect the 5 star joints more often than not plus the 5 star Restaurants to keep themselves in good books internationally used to impose their own standards. But of course when it came to the good old 1 star joints this was another story altogether.
I once recall going for some nyama choma at a joint and some zealous health inspectors came in ready for the inspection. Well what the proprietor of the joint did was to crack a few jokes with the inspectors and since it was around lunch time, had some ribs roasted for the inspectors, sat down with them, chatted and sent them away with some money and meat for their trouble. That was that year's inspection dealt with.
How we used to escape major food poisoning always made me wonder, I guess our stomachs adapted over time.

I found this video online and thought I had to share it esp since over the years I always made jokes about how cosmo never missed an article about how to please your man; I always thought by now they would have run out of methods of doing so.

Anyone who lives in the States is more than aware about how serious child molesting is taken out here. So much so that when a sex offender is let out of prison, they have to register with their local police station wherever they go to live. This information is then made public for the people who live in those areas on sites like this.
That of course is a great tool but there are a few things to consider; children are molested more often than not by people they know, family members, teachers, clergy etc. So there should be a system parents set up to monitor those people too. Second, why should registration end with sex offenders. I think paroled murderers, violent robbers, arsonists, con-men, people with mental illnesses that lead to episodes of violence and drug dealers among others should also be put into a National database for our own safety. Now discuss that issue in 100o words or less in the comments section, thank you.

I know some of you are now drooling waiting for the "You Shoulda Stayed Home" picture segment. Well I must apologize and say that one you have to wait next week for, but you know me; I always have something tasteless to share. Like I always say, this isn't the place to come for high society discussion and that kind of thing. Yes once in a while I do make pretensions to intellect and lofty ideals but on other days, I just want to share what's on the street. Anyway moving on.....

A classic

I think some men out there need to see this one so do share..

Yes I know I'll burn in hell for this one

Funny thing is that I have eaten there before and their burgers weren't half bad....

Now we know....

Funny for all the wrong reasons...

If you don't know the joke then it doesn't make sense but still those boys are going to burn......

Well sadly it's now back to the real world where work and responsibility await. To be a kid again......

Monday, August 04, 2008

Monday Moanings Part XVII

This weekend I had to help someone do one of the things that I hate most in the world; MOVE HOUSE! What made this worse is that this was a poorly orchestrated move, when you call the Acolyte to help you move, he expects to come to your house and find all your boxes packed and ready to go. Sadly this wasn't the case, most of the stuff was all over the place and there was hardly enough boxes to go round. To add insult to injury, what was to be tossed out wasn't sorted from what was to be kept; so we had to help do that in addition to packing.
Of course tempers were frayed at several times during that day and alot of moaning and wingeing was heard. But I also realised how much rubbish people accumulate over the years when they live in one area long enough. You see I have packrat tendancies but I balance it out by not buying very much, but I know people who are both packrats and heavy shoppers. I once helped this friend of mine move who had enough shoes to supply a small boutique. Anyway I guess we are all different when it comes to collecting stuff and moving. For me the more organised and the less stuff to move, the better! Sadly that was the story of my boring weekend.

But.................... I am in the process of discovering that revenge is a dish best served cold, nicely and chilled. More on that cryptic comment in the future.

Before I go ya'll didn't think I would forget the Monday segment. In fact I challenge ya'll to come up with a name for it. I'll get the ball rolling...."You Should Have Stayed Home"
That's what my tired mind could come up with, anyway let the captions and the fun begin!

No comment......

Nick watched wistfully as Milo once again had his way on the dancefloor...

What the hell?! The dance of the comatose?????

First of all, where is her left shoe? Second that stuff being splashed on her looks alot like.....

These are the chicas who are great fans of beer goggles and the 3 a.m rule....

At least oil your legs before you go to the club, I'm not even going to talk about the dress

Ashy legs - check, ashy face - check, no shoes - check, no shame - check....We have a winner!

What the hell?! Practice session for the after party or what?!

Have a nice day and stay out shady clubs!

Monday, July 28, 2008

Monday Moanings Part XVI

Another Monday is upon us! I don't have much to say other than vent a bit about some people. If there is one thing I hate it's liars, and what I hate even worse than liars are unrepentant liars. Have you ever caught someone in the the wrong, call them out and then they try and turn it around on you claiming that you are in the wrong, claiming you have trust issues and all that mess. When in reality you actually have more evidence than you think they do about what they did. Why I bother dealing with some people I don't even know. Anyway that is someone extra to boot out of my life.

I'm a bit late on this but seems like schools are striking en masse in Kenya. And in true mzee fashion Prof Ongeri decides to try and put out the smoke instead of the fire. Getting rid of cell phones in schools and DVD players isn't going to do much in the long run; the issues go far deeper than that.
Let's keep it real, many boarding schools' administration style leaves a whole lot to be desired. Add to the fact that many of them are still ran on the 1970's model of administration where children are meant to be seen and not heard. Listening to your students and talking to them can yield alot of results and this hardly every happens in many boarding schools and quite a few day schools too.
But on the other hand, many parents today have abdicated their roles as parents and role models. So as a result kids expect to have the same freedoms they have at home when they go to school. Add to this the fact that according to some parents their children can do no wrong so the teachers have no leeway when it comes to discipline. Throw in the increasing number of single parent households and you end up having a lack of male role models and the remaining parent is too busy trying to put food on the table to bother with Jr tearing up the school every other day.
I'm not even going to mention the KCSE fiasco. There's alot of work to be done. Thank God I am not a parent....

Anyway enough of the serious stuff! Time for the fun weekend pics. All opinions welcome! Have a nice day all!

Is the gal on the far left pregnant or just big?

As you can see in clubs the M.O when it comes to dancing is girl's ass meet's dude's crotch, but in some cases like the couple in the far right for some reason or other that doesn't work so........

First things first, why is there always tissue paper on the floor in these grimy clubs? Second how can the chic on the far left be barefoot after looking at the state of the floor. Third, why is the dude behind her drenched, is that sweat or what? Fourth, I wonder if that hand made it to it's desired destination?

I'd like to know the logistics of what they were doing too

Real friends don't let friends go out looking like a mess...

Please look at the expression of the chica on the far left, she sums it up best!

Now you all know what a camel toe is....

Monday, July 21, 2008

Monday Moanings Part XV

I want to introduce you to a new phrase which is, f*cking below the line. F*cking below the line was a term used in a Mario Puzo book I read sometime to mean screwing someone who is below your station in life; this could be social, financial etc. I had been thinking of this post for a while but Archer's last post spurred me to action. You see whether you like it or not, most if not all of us who have indulged in sexual activities have screwed below the line. The worst thing with screwing below the line is that often there is a small alarm bell that is ringing in our head that is telling us to STAY AWAY! But due to being on the B train for so long or sheer lust, the ringing is ignored and kungulu (I hear that's what peeps call shag in Kenya nowadays) commences.

Screwing below the line seems fun and easy because look at it this way to the individual here forth referred to as the screwee, you are a hot commodity. So the screwer will have an easy time getting with the screwee. But the problem comes when the screwer wants to leave the screwee and return to their regular group, the screwee makes it as hard as possible and refuses to let go and may resort to all sorts of drama to keep the screwer.

How do you know if you are f*cking below the line?

1. Is your partner someone you would ordinary be seen in public with?

2. Do you avoid introducing your new partner to your regular friends and crew?

3. Does your partner talk about a future for the two of you and when they do, do you find yourself shuddering?

4. Do you find yourself side stepping the question when your new partner talks about you two being together?

5. Even when you are with this new partner and are spending time, are you still listed as single on facebook and myspace or whatever other social networking site you use?

If you can answer YES to more than one of those questions then know you are most def screwing below the line. Oh and just to toss in a twist, if the person you are with is displaying the same behavior either they are commitment phobic or they scraped the barrel with you; whichever way it is you are screwed!

What I find funny though is how due to the wonderful mechanics of the human mind is that after deluding oneself for a while sooner or later a moment of clarity comes to the fore and someone realises they are screwing below the line. This may be mid hump, when they wake up one morning and see the person next to them or in the middle of the occasional date. I say occasional because for some reason or other people don't go out for dates very often with their screwees, unless the screwee applies pressure.

Now after the moment of clarity getting out of the situation tends to be tricky because many screwee's don't let go easily. I remember one who once argued her way out of the break up, yes that is how insistent she was; she had a counter point for every point I had for not dating her. Yes my fully laid plans were thwarted for a while.After her insistent pressure I decided to take advantage of some information she knew about me, you she did know that the Acolyte is a somewhat spiritual being; so I did what any spiritual man would do. I told her that I had taken a vow of singlehood and celibacy, which was somewhat true because I was just tired of all the drama that comes with strokes. That and me going underground finally took the pressure off me because she kept on insisting that she wanted to come and see me (last ditch seduction attempt). My solution, if the shag seems to easy; think twice. Plus make sure you are not someone's screwee!

Anyway since I have been staying out of trouble, I have been having a ball looking at pic's of peeps acting the fool in the club. I'm going to share them. Please feel free to add your own captions!

My question is, what is the lady woman in the far right doing? The expression on her face.....

Yaaaaaaaaay! Guess who's here to save the night.....

Shaun at the far left decided he may as well jerk off in the club instead of waiting to get home..

If she stand still enough for long enough she can blend in the same way the Zebra whose pants she stole blends into the savannah

Archer: Natukifika kwa rodging, nitakuinua juu hivi, harafu.......

Milo: Dear Mocha, you can even see I'm on my knees. I promise all I want you to do is have a cup of juice at my place after the club; nothing else

Archer: Wachana with his siasa. I have a new couch I bought today that I want you to come to my apartment and sit on!
Mocha: Blushes away....

Have a great Monday People!

Monday, July 07, 2008

Apartment Living Part I

Time for a change from the usual Monday Moaning. Anyone who moves to the West while at one time or other have to live in an apartment complex. Apartments or as we call them in Kenya, flats are not as prevalent back home as they are out here due to the high population density in many Western cities. When you move out to a mid sized or large city unless you can afford otherwise or have room mates, odds are high that you shall be living in an apartment complex.

Finding an apartment complex in itself is an adventure. You see here in America many complexes are so wiley in their advertising that it verges on fraud in some cases when you go to see the apartment complex and find out that the picture was several years old and severely photo shopped too. This is so done that it stops being funny, when you get there the amenities they advertised like the gym are so run down or in some cases like swimming pools not even open for use.

Where your apartment complex is also very important. In most Western cities everything is far from each other unless you live in a small town. So you have to make important trade offs. Would you rather live close to work? Close to school? Close to friends and family? And of course apartments that are closer to the highway tend to be more expensive then those that are further in. Plus if you the more "up town" the neighborhood the more expensive rent will be. So you have to make hard choices. Most of the time you can get cheap rents the further you go from the City but you shall have to get used to driving long distances and hours to get to work, school and other places. I remember when I came here my fam was living in a nice big house but that house was almost 20 minutes to the interstate, not amusing at all I tell you.

Immediate neighbourhood and residents of an area are very important. I'm not going to be racist or anything (then goes ahead to make racist statement) but you want to stay away from any place that has a sign that says "acceptamos tax ID," that basically means that the apartment complex will most likely have alot of Mexicans living there. Mexicans are alot like the Somalis we used to have in Kenya who would live 20 deep in a 2 bedroom house. Some apartments like them due to the fact that Mexicans like to keep a low profile and are less likely to push for their apartment to be fixed when something breaks and thus cost less to keep as tenants. And you do know that of course as a black person you would stand out like a sore thumb in a predominantly hispanic apartment complex. On the other hand, if you are a brave soul you could move into a predominantly black lower or middle class area aka "The Hood" where you wouldn't stand out very much. The only thing is that some of these areas are high crime and the apartments aren't always well maintained, I recall in one apartment complex we lived in my small brother had his tyres stolen at night and he had bought new rims. Lucky for us my big sister suspected who it was that did it, so she talked to the kids mum and told them what had happened without accusing her kids but she caught the hint, gave them a tongue lashing and the next morning my small bro found his tyres on the patio and as all this was happening the leasing office were not concerned at all. On the other hand this isn't to say that all places where black folk live are "hood" there are predominantly black up class areas but of course you need the money to afford to live there. As for living in a predominantly white area, you are not ensured that the apartments will be of the greatest quality since there are lower class white areas too but since white people on a whole have more money than minorities they tend to have the better neighbourhoods, hence the reason many people like moving to predominantly white areas. The only thing is that first of all we all know that some white folk can't stand black folk, so some apartment complexes will make it as hard as possible for you to move in by asking for all sorts of pre-conditions ie high rent, high deposit, long rental history, stable employment history, background checks and all that sort of thing to knock you out of the running. And if you do get in some of the neighbours won't be too pleased to have you and will do anything they can to make your life miserable esp when you stray from their community rules. But there are some apartment communities where people of all races seem to get along or pretend to for the most part.

So you see when you leave home things aren't as simple as they were back home where a new home was an ad in the classifieds away. Here it's a whole 'nother ball game.

Part II - Room mates, leases and other fun things............