Friday, May 18, 2007


I was reading this article in the Standard and I must say that two things came to mind. First of all is that running an entertainment establishment in Nairobi and having it suceed is a herculean task. Many have tried and many have failed. Of course if you read the article you can see that alot of people get the formula wrong on step one and don't go very far. I don't know many of those bars esp the ones in the city centre but I do remember some other joint. Does anyone here remember Ghetto Pub? It used to be in the building that is behind what is now Pavements? That joint started really well and had snagged some good clientele until the young folk raided it. Not to look down on the under 25 crowd, but we all know that most of them even if they move in droves have very little discretionary income. So most of them will go drink at the locals and go to joint have only one or two beers while hogging tables and bar stools in the pub. The older clientele were not having it and the place went bottoms up (pun intended) really fast! Second thing is that Kenyans are very classist. Does anyone here remember a joint in hurlingham that was called Zig Zag (the classic two dance floors in one pub)? I remember for the first few months that joint had no airconditioning, it was like an oven of sorts. Anyway the joint started really well until touts and other shady characters started showing up causing trouble and robbing the regulars, it was given a wide berth and that was the end of it. Most Kenyans believe it or not do like to hang out with people of the same class as them, so when the people who are "with it" start going to a joint, it becomes the place to be. They have the place to themselves for a while until the word trickles down to the masses, when this happens the masses invade and the "with it" crowd decide they are tired of hanging out with the commoners and scuttle off to their next joint. Their old hang out eventually dies out and the cycle is repeated again and again.
Of course we all do know how many clubs in Kenya have collapsed due to the management getting too big for their britches. Case in point mentioned in the article is K2. I remember how sometime before I left and it was really popular, unless you knew the bouncers or looked like you had money the bouncers would treat you like crap. Of course what happened is that people decided they would be going to Choices across the road and the article confirms what I have been hearing. By the way has anyone ever noticed how Kenyans have an oathological dislike for cover charges? Unless it is a large one time event ie super soul, the crowd tends to steer towards to where there is no cover charge. But on the bright side for what we don't pay for entrance we make up for in drinks bought. Anyway this is just making me remember how much fun I used to have fun in the Kenyan nightlife and how crappy things are here. Go out and have a pint for me people!

This has been weighing on my mind and I had to share it. There is this girl I see everyday at work and frankly her situation worries me. You see this girl has an un-natural growth. No-one talks about it in front of her but I see people peeking through the corners of their eyes, some whispering when she walks past them, others staring at her when they think she isn't looking, it gets even worse when she is walking; it's all eyes on her then. The good thing is that she isn't in pain at all and can live a regular life, Thank God for small wonders. Since the growth has bene part of her life from her teens I think she too doesn't notice the attention; but still I find it amazing that a girl so short can have an ass that big.

Now I shall leave you with a snippet from one of my all time fave Liverpool fan sites where a list of the top 10 most hated players was posted.

GK: Jussi Jaaskelainen (Bolton Wanderers)True to form, Jaaskelainen continued his fine moaning form this year, whinging about every decision on the pitch and even having digs at Rafa Benitez in the press for questioning Bolton’s style of play. A hypocrite as well- moaned at the referee for allowing Reina to time waste in this season’s game at Anfield when the scruffy Finn was doing it right from the off before Steven Gerrard opened the scoring. Looks like a tramp as well.

RB: Gary Neville (Manchester United)It had to be didn’t it? Nobody else ran everybody’s favourite Mancunian close enough to make it into the XI. Neville was his usual loathsome self during the campaign and moaned like a bitch in the press about United’s measly two European Cup wins before the AC Milan game and vowed that they’d “put it right.”

CB: Rio Ferdinand (Manchester United)Not just content with being the most overrated footballer on the planet, Ferdinand is also staking his claim to be the biggest gobshite on the planet. The epitomy of the typical modern day footballer and in general, a brain-dead ignorant ****.

CB: Alan Stubbs (Everton)Everybody’s favourite parrot-faced **** cemented his place in the XI with his usual bitter jibes around the time of the derby- all the usual stuff about how every Liverpool fan comes from Oslo and moaned like a bitch when Benitez made the “small club” remark despite taking numerous pot shots against ourselves down the years. He’s shit as well.

LB: Ashley Cole (Chelsea)“Cashley” as he has now been dubbed firmly established himself as a female genitalia this year when he shit on Arsenal (his boyhood club) for the sake of 5k to join Chelsea at the start of the season. Despite rumours being unconfirmed about the extra 5k being used to buy a few more mobile phones, Cole still proved himself to be **** with a horrible tacky Footballer’s Wives weddings and seems to think he’s God’s gift to the left-back position when, like most of his England colleagues, he’s an overrated ****.

RW: Cristiano Ronaldo (Manchester United)After making himself one of the most twattable figures at the last World Cup, the boy “made England look shite” carried on his form into the Premiership this year making himself look like a bigger female genitalia than he ever has before. Horrible little scumbag and the fact that somebody like him has such a talent proves that God likes a laugh.

CM: Michael Brown (Fulham)A surprise choice given he edged out Fat Frank into this team, Brown couldn’t go ignored largely for being a shithouse for 9 months with some shocking challenges. Not content with having the footballing ability of a bag of shite, Brown was determined to make the headlines through a series of shithouse challenges throughout the year, culminating in the cowardly head butt on
Xabi Alonso. In short, a female genitalia.

CM: Francesc Fabregas (Arsenal)Has stolen Paul Scholes’ title of being the shithouse that is largely ignored by fans and the media, but young Fabregas demonstrated a twatness throughout 06/07 that belies his tender years. Always whining to the ref and leaving his foot in in tackles as well as being an antagonistic female genitalia, Fabregas’ crowning glory of the season came when he spat his dummy out after Blackburn played for a 0-0 draw at the Emirates. Well boo hoo.

LW: Mikel Arteta (Everton)Some would argue that Arteta isn’t that much of a **** but really, that’s like saying that Stalin “wasn’t such a bad person.” The “only Spaniard we know” demonstrated his bitter credentials with a jibe of how he’s never met a Scouse Liverpool fan, despite the builder working on his house proving the contrary by wearing his shirt to work every day. The tight arse even had a cheek to argue over the bill, allegedly. Proved himself to be a **** with some snidy challenges in the derby as well.

CF: Andy Johnson (Everton)“Honest AJ” makes this XI on the basis that he’s a loathsome little turd. A Norwich fan in my work despises him as much as me and says that “AJ” has been diving for penalties for years in the lower leagues but is only getting coverage for it now. Came out with the following statement “I want to score so why would I dive?” Errrmmm… because you take the penalties you helmet. Actually physically looks like a penis as well. Draw a little dot on top of his head and you’ll see what I mean.

CF: Thierry Henry (Arsenal)The surprise choice over the consistently twattish Didier Drogba but Henry’s twatness shone through this year. Following on from his whinge after the Champions League final last year, Henry continued his twattable form with the invention of that annoying dancing celebration with Emmanuel Ade-can’tscore. Went down in my estimation as well for shushing the Kop on Truth Day and had another moan when Arsenal got knocked out of Europe. Something about PSV having only two chances in both games. *rubs thumb and finger together* Well this is the world’s smallest violin playing just for Thierry Henry.

Manager: Slur Alex Ferguson (Manchester United)A classic return to form for English football’s Premier pisshead. Came out with the usual unsavoury remarks this season about opponents and even claimed that Liverpool fans were wishing him good luck. Maybe wishing him good luck in the Betty Ford Clinic perhaps… Seems to have gone camp all of a sudden- celebrates every goal with a gay little mince that wouldn’t have looked out of place in a Carry On film.
So there you have it- the Premiership Tw**table XI. Roll on to next season where players will have a chance to show their credentials and earn a spot in next year’s XI.

Nice Weekend People!

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Atrocious Ads, SoFa King and Confounding Coincidences....

I was just reading Nation and Standard online and I realised that both sites have ad sense adverts on them. I find it strange that multi million dollar making media bodies should have such adverts on their site, there's no problem with the sites having ads on them but I though that they would co-ordinate and seek out advertisers themselves. Besides which those ads make the sites look cheap. Anyway it seems to work for them so I better get used to looking at those Google ads.

After reading M's latest post and the pic that came with it, I remembered this great skit on SNL! The dude who cracks me up is the son in the middle who looks like he is performing a Kamba traditional dance ( in true Acolyte style dissing Kenyan tribes one after the other!) It's Sofa King funny!

In other unrelated news, I was talking to a pal of my sister's who really likes white dudes and has been trying to hook up with one but things havent gone well whenever she tries. She was talking to my sis and telling her how she would love to be in Europe and how the men there treat black women better than the ones here, on the other hand I was talking to one of my pals in Europe who says she has developed a liking for the odieros here from when she was on vaction here last time. This whole situation just shows me that no matter the country or continent men/women are the same, the grass always seems greener on the other side till you step on it!

Oh before I forget! I do remember in my 7 things post I did mention why I dont get ecstatic when I meet other Kenyans. Let me give you a small illustration of how small the world is and how Kenyans are all over. The other day at work I met this chic I used to be in University with and her small sister who was a year behind us in Uni is in town too. Here is where it gets interesting, my sister had told me about how they got this new boss whom they all dislike (no not because she is Kenyan) and how her boss told her that she was in my alma mater (smart word of the day). Yes you guessed it, my pal's sis is my sister's boss! Small World isn't it?

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Mid Week At Last!

I have been so busy lately that I just realized that I missed NO PANTS day, oh well; I guess I shall get round to it next year...

I was kicking back the other day and realized that for the first time in a long time I dont have any close cynical gal pals (I'm not counting off-line pals). I came to this realization when I remembered a phrase used by 3 different harsh chics I have known, "They're so in love that it's disgusting!"
A statement to which I usually nod vigorously, 'cause I think falling in love with no abandon is a set up for future pain and I am always proved right (but that's a story for another day). Usually I was so tight with my partners in cynicism that people would think we were dating but that wasn't the case because for some reason or other 2 hardcore cynics don't seem to have any chemistry at all. Although I do remember an incident when I was with one of my cynic gal pals and this other chic who was my pal decided to show this other chic that she could test her will by coming over and sitting next to me. There was some thick tension on that table I tell you! It was like the 2 gals wanted to see who would back down, I decided to save face for both of them by announcing my departure. Hmmmmmmmm come to think of it I guess the close proximity of some of these gals in my life co-related with my forays onto the bilaz train because it takes a strong gal to be close to a guy when she thinks his close gal pal is a b****h. Ladies, why can't we all just get along?

In other news, I have now added one more place I won't pick the future Mrs Acolyte from after reading this article. The image of The Acolyte being totally subservient, with the resolve of an earthworm or running around screaming for his wife when she is away or hiding in the marital home like recluse is a terrifying thought! Reminds me of the Concubine when Ekwueme who was in love with Ihuoma went mad after his young wife used a love potion on him. That reminds me, I'm going to think again before going to eat chapatis at a girl's house especially if they weren't made in my presence.
Have a charm free day people!

Monday, May 14, 2007

Monday Malaise 3

Don't let appearances fool you, this doohickey here has given me headaches....

This weekend my mp3 player decided to give me the shock of a lifetime by not turning on even after I had tried to reboot it several times. I tried and tried, decided to ask the folks at the Geek Squad if they can retrieve that data but after hearing they charge $150 for just checking and they said usually in the case of mp3 players it's a lost cause; I was like "Screw it!"
So just after my usual nightly lap around the house wearing nothing by my goat skin loin cloth, dini ya msambwa hat, I sang the usual songs of glory and beat the drum I used when we used to parade down Moi Avenue every Sunday morning in our blue and white uniforms; I tried again. And lo and behold! It worked! Bwana Asifiwe! Rest assured I am now backing up the last tracks that I didnt back up before it goes down for good this time and saving for an i-pod while I am at it!

Moving on, there are some people in this wonderful world of ours who seem to see the world through their view and their view only. Let me give you an example, if you live here in the States you will realize that there is alot of institutionalized racism that has been part and parcel of society for centuries. But if you go to those in power and confront them with the statistics and everyday anecdotes that say otherwise, they shall just read you their script that says that isn't the case and that they are doing the best job they can blah blah blah (yes these idiots do love the sound of their own voice). It even gets worse when those in power say everything is just fine and when push comes to shove they say that it is those who are complaining that are part of the problem. Yes I know some of you do know someone who fits that last point to a T. Sadly most of the time we have to grin and tolerate the tomfoolery of such people but I encourage all of you to break the peace once in a while and even if they don't listen, tell them............