Friday, April 14, 2006

Blog Wars....

I have learned one thing recently about human beings. Many people see their opinions are part of themselves much like children or limbs. This makes people hold them near and dear to their hearts.I have seen many people here in KBW equate a comment that is contrary to what they have posted as an attack on them.It gets worse when unfortunately it is in an environment where people are more likely then not to agree, approve and even add to the opinion addressed. The Acolyte on the other hand is known for playing the devil's advocate. I believe that you don't know what you believe in until you can argue for it ie it is easy enough to tell someone to be a christian but if you can't stand up and have a logical arguement with an atheist or a philosopher and give a good account of yourself then you need to study a bit more. My dissent is not Mashada style where after a post someone would comment with a statement like "That's total b.s!" or "Is that the trash they taught you?" Uh uh, I believe in attacking the hypothesis and assertions of whatever has been advanced.With my favourite antagonist this has led to situations like this.

The Acolyte duels Keguro on a beach

What would happen is that my comment would be like the medieval slap to the face with a glove, following which my antagonist would be aware that the time to duel has come.We would set a date and after sharpening our best katana we would then meet in the field of battle.Of course we would both get wounded, battered and bruised but at the end of the day new things would be learned and techniques would be assesed, improved or discarded.
On the other hand there are some other people (who will remain unnamed) who would see comments against their widely and wildly accept opinion as a total affront to them.So what would happen is that some of them would circle their wagons and shut The Acolyte out from their comments section by any means available and others would lash out with all the rage and strenght that they can muster.When that happens The Acolyte can only resort to his alter ego.

Be it night....

or day!The Acolyte is always ready!

What would start out as a tiff would turn into a heated pitched battle with in some cases collateral damage.Luckily no blogger has suffered any fatal injuries

The Acolyte saves an innocent baby blogger from the fallout of his last blog war

As the red mist would descend on the offended blogger.Often the arguement would shift from being about the issues at hand and instead people's parentage would come into question (someone would be called a bastard), manhood would be put into question, levels of intelligence would be querried, people would be likened to canines (both male and female) and other epithets so harsh that they can't even be sanitised would be expressed.The Acolyte would of course give a good account of himself in the field of battle but so would the other party; making The Acolyte quote one of the manliest men ever...Maximus Decimus "A people should know when they are conquered!"

The Acolyte's opponent gives a good account of herself in battle

Some opponents can be so tenacious that what would result is that the blog-battlefield would be left in ruins.Sometimes The Acolyte would experience a phyrric victory in the cause of battle by turning into one of the very same monsters he abhors greatly.

"Is this really a victory?"The Acolyte asks himself

As a result he would then be forced to fly around the blogosphere to fix the impact of what initially started as a simple battle of wills and metamorphosised into all out war

The Acolyte looks for survivors and the injured from the last blog war as he rebuilds the the section of the blogosphere that was ravaged by his raw power.

With time The Acolyte has grown wiser and instead of hurling himself into battle will instead watch matter unfold and then fly off into the stars....

The Acolyte observes, learns and leaves

So to you bloggers out there who I may have clashed with.It's nothing personal that's who I am and that's what I do.I am not attacking you, just questioning the opinion you have put forth.If you don't see it that way and choose to attack me instead.The nearest phone booth isn't far away.So let's all be friends who can agree to disagree!Happy Easter all!

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Separating the Men from the boys!

Before starting this post I would like to that all of you that voted for me to be one of the kaybee nominees!Your one and only Acolyte has been nominated in 2 categories; The Best Entertainment Blog and Most Interactive Blogger category ( most likely to leave a comment/email/participate).
As some stars out there said during election time.It's time to rock the vote!If I win any categories I will refund voting expenses (flights abroad do not count!) and prepare a suprise for my readers!Anyway back to business!The vote closes on the 19th of April so get voting people!
I go to the gym around 3-4 times a week (and no I am not a meathead nor do I do steroids - it is just part of the chastity program!)I enjoy working out on most of the machines but there is one piece of equipment I have alot of respect mixed with trepidation towards.The one and only......

Bench Press!

Now why would The Acolyte feel like this towards a Bench Press.Did he have a milo like incident where he crapped on the bench?No!But this is what happened!I am sure all you KBW men passed through the body building stage in High School.This is where you would all look at copies of Flex and Muscle and Fitness for motivation after noticing the Rugby players got all the girls while cowing you into submission with their sheer bulk at the same time.So the plan would be to read all the mags,psyke up,steal your small brother's cerelac(for some reason this stuff was supposed to help you bulk up!) and get hold of a vest from your local open air market (we were to broke to afford a new one from Nairobi Sports house).
So me and my pal strolled our 100 pound frames into the school gym ready to turn ourselves into the next Shawn Rays and Ronnie Colemans.But it wasn't that easy because guess who used to use the gym?
Yes the Rugby players!But they weren't against us using the equipment as long as we went through the initiation exercise!
The initiation was, wait for it........The Bench Press!What the big boys did was to invite me to lie down and put 100 pounds on the bar.As long as I could lift the bar I was good to go.So the ring leader lifted the bar and dropped it gently on my chest.I pushed and pushed but the bar moved only once inch.While at that point in time I was straining with every cell in my body to move it!Nothing!At that point in time the rest of the guys were laughing.They then lifted the bar and told me that I was at least better then some other people who had tried.I thought that no-one could be any worse until my pal got on the bench.
The bar was lowered and he pushed.You see my pal was what you could call a one-upper.So if Aco could move the bar one inch he was aiming for two inches.The boy pushed, beads of sweat began to form on his face and rolled down to the bench, he ground his teeth together like he was one of those who are gnashing their teeth in hell, he then developed vein number 2 (that is the one on the side of the head), then came vein number one( the one in the middle of the forehead that makes you look like an irate psycho), then all the veins in his body began to show till his fingers and toes, his back arched like he was doing the fish yoga posture,he then let out a primal grunt that sounded like a pig being violated by Bubba in a barn in rural Georgia.All that this suceeded in doing was to channel more strength to his right hand so he moved the right part of the bar 2 inches up but on the other side it seemed that his right hand sapped the strength of his left hand so the bar went 4 inches down.Since the bars were jua kali and had no stoppers the plates on the left side hit the ground with a metallic ding leaving 50 pounds on the other side choking him.The ring leader happened to be on hand to lift the bar off his chest but the gym was silent.I turned around; everyone else was had laughed to the point where their lungs had no air so they were lying on the ground with their chests heaving,tears rolling down their eyes, struggling to get the breath back.
Needless to say my pal never went back to the gym and instead discovered another inalienable truth when it comes to women; there is nothing like an ugly man with a big wallet.So he chose that route instead.As for me I did work out for sometime till I found somthing else that peaked my interest.In my return trips to the gym I always know that I am approaching optimum fitness when I am benching.......100 pounds plus (Man law 253 - A man should be able to bench his own body weight - 2004 Man-you-all).I'm just from the gym and I did a set with 100 pounds and guess what?No support needed,no screams,tears,sweat or weights hitting the ground!But I had a flashback the other day, some enterprising lad decided to lift far more then he could, there was a similar scenario sans the screams but since this dude didnt have mono-colored skin like us he turned beet red.I helped him out and gave him that nod that guys give each other that say, "I have been there too and I didn't want to talk about it too" and moved on.
Morale of the story:Respect the Bench Press or she will make you her bitch!Also always have someone spot you in the gym if you are using the Bench!
Now click on the buttons on the right of the page and vote for me will ya!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Jacob Zuma!For crimes against mankind...

All rise!Hear Ye Ye Presenting to you the Judge of the Man Tribunal...Lord Acolyte!
Lord Acolyte:Thank you!Please seated.What case do the Man Tribunal and I have before us.
Tribunal Prosecutor:We have before us Jacob Zuma, who is to answer for various crimes against the institution of Manliness in the world.
Zuma Defence;We the defence put forward that the honorable Zuma has no case to answer for being a man and doing what men do!
The crowd begins to whisper to themselves.......
Lord Acolyte:Mr Prosecutor sir, please begin the charges
Tribunal Prosecutor:Thank you my Lord.The first charge is for thinking that because he is a man of high standing in his community it behooves every woman in his presence to meet his material and sexual needs as has been seen by his alleged rape case being decided in another court at this time.He has also orchestrated the harassement of the lady in question!
Zuma:Young man keep quiet!Women must be satisfied by men like me!In the Zulu culture you cannot just leave a woman when she is ready!To deny her sex is tantamount to rape!(Actual words by Zuma!)
Zuma Defence:I object!We must all eat!
Lord Acolyte:Objection over-ruled!Continue with the charges!
Tribunal Prosecutor:Second charge is of using his political position to take bribes instead of to benefit the general public thus putting the name of all men in leader ship in ill repute.
Crowd gets very animated with jeers from the women in the court room

Lord Acolyte:Defence!Keep your client silent!I will call on him if he is to speak if need be!
Tribunal Prosecutor:The third charge is that of total and utter stupidity by thinking that a shower would prevent him from catching HIV.This kind of logic from a man who was a deputy president none-the-less!
Zuma:But I used the soap my sangoma gave me!
Lord Acolyte:Gives Zuma a withering glare that makes him slump in his seat meekly.
Zuma Defence:Your Lordship!I must bring it to your attention that Mr Zuma spent 10 years in jail for the freedom struggle, that should be worth some major man points!
Lord Acolyte:Given that this is the man tribunal that carries some weight here!
Zuma Defence:As regards the so called rape accusation, how can a woman come and be a man's guest and not be satisfied?It is the man's responsibilty to meet her needs and for her to yield!Even if she must be convinced!Zuma sits up in his chair smiling broadly
The crowd on the other hand is filled with angry murmurs and jeers
Lord Acolyte:Silence from the crowd!Continue!
Zuma Defence:As regards the charge of bribery, after his service to the nation isn't Mr Zuma entitled to a piece of the pie and to share that pie with the other men who do what women can't do?That is leading our nation.
Tribunal Prosecutor:Objection!Who said that women can't lead?
Crowd cheers
Lord Acolyte:Objection sustained
Zuma Defence:As for the case of stupidity we all know that a shower after sex with a dirty woman is enough to clean you especially if you use the sangoma soap, it is even more effective then a condom!Zuma nods his large balding head in agreement
Crowd jeers
Zuma Defence:I put it forth that all Zuma's problems are as a result of Western interference and feminists who are trying to destroy the things that have made this country great!
Zuma:Yes yes!Raising his corpulent self to his feet.Women must learn to shut up and stay in the kitchen and the bedroom!They need to know their place and not interfer with men's business!Sits down looking pleased with himself
Crowd gets very agitated and a woman is stopped from jumping over the barrier to attack Zuma
Lord Acolyte:Security, please give that lady a baseball bat and place her as near to the barrier as possible!I cannot allow such inane utterances in my court!I am ready to make my ruling!
Could the Bench rise!
Both Defence and Prosecution Teams get to their feet
Lord Acolyte:For your service to the nation, serving 10 years in jail for the people and looking out for the ordinary men and women by galvanising the trade unions I award you 10,000 man points for each.So now you have 20,000 man points.
Zuma smiles broadly and pats his defence lawyer on the back
Lord Acolyte:But thinking that your status as man allows you to run roughshod over women is going to cost your greatly.Have you no mother,sister or daughters.Minus 15,000 man points!I will let the other court deal with you when it comes to jail time!
Zuma begins to sweat and looks worried
Lord Acolyte:For stealing from everyday South Africans through shady business and thinking that being in the old boys club makes you immune from having to work like everyone else, I deduct a further 10,000 man points!
Zuma begins to turn gray
Lord Acolyte:Mr Zuma you know that South Africa is having a hard time dealing with the AIDS epidemic and that many common people listen to what you say and take their cues from that.For setting back the war against AIDS 10 years, promoting backward tradition and desecrating your postion as an opinion leader MINUS 30,000 Man points!
Crowd goes ecstatic, Zuma's top lip begins quivering
Lord Acolyte:Mr Zuma, It is time that I made my final tally of your man points and make my judgement from that.You have 20,000 man points but for your actions that have gone against the man code and cost you 55,000 man points!It is about time that you learned that as a man that you may have great power and standing but that doesnt give you carte blanche to do as you please.Women are not sex slaves,second class citizens or your chattel.The tribunal orders the revokation of your membership to the old boys club, strips you of your standing!Leave your supply of testosterone and your balls with the guard.You have forfeited your right to them!Court is adjourned!
All rise for Lord Acolyte!
As Zuma walked out of the court house in tears a baseball was seen approaching the back of his head with great velocity......
This satire is based on this story.I am not gifted in commentary or opinion but that doesn't mean that I am making light of this serious situation!Ya'll should know that Aco respects the rights of the ladies.
Have a man-tastic day!

Monday, April 10, 2006


I am sure that you have heard me complain about the ennui in my office.Anyway what happened is that the Grad assistant for the International Office was graduating so there was a vacancy there over summer.Meanwhile in my office there was no funding for a summer assistant.I applied and got the summer job.The same day I get the job my boss asks me what I am going to be doing over summer and I tell her, she goes ahead to tell me that she has put in a request for funds so maybe I could work for her over summer.Don't get me wrong I like my boss, but the boredom and monotony of the same faces and the same work day in day out is way tooo much for me.What is even more interesting is that the International Office want me to work for them during next semester.Which I really don't mind as I like the folks there and the environment.
Now a question for the ladies.What does it mean when a chic tells you that you remind her of her dad and that she has a close relationship with him and loves him greatly.Yes it's a very freudian question!

Sunday, April 09, 2006


Sometimes Sundays are one of the most mantastic days ever!You don't have to go to work or school at all!Anyway for me I got up really late and took a nice walk in the warm spring weather that is far better then the unbearable summer heat.I strolled into the nearby gas station and got a pint of ice cream for $1.99 instead of the usual price of $2.79, ah the Aco mojo at work again!
I then got back to the apartment where I called babe and enjoyed a 3 hour conversation with her while finishing up the 6 pack from the last bash and washing the beer down with ice cream (note to self:finish beers from Friday's plot!).Yes I know I may have said that The Acolyte doesn't like the phone but there are some people worth talking to for hours on end.
Come afternoon I got together with a pal and we worked on a class assignment.To get the brain juices wet I showed home some Kenyan videos.She made some interesting observations ie the chics in many of these videos (both Kenyan and American) are thin and light, she saw a scene of peeps throwing dice in a Jua Cali video and she was amazed coz that happens in the ghetto here plus the similarity in the booty shaking.She exclaimed jokingly that her black folk were leading everyone astray!In appreciation for The Acolyte's company and knowledge when we finished our assignment (or rather after I had 80% of the work!) she took me out for Chinese!Yeah Aco knows how to turn it on!Yes some women know how to appreciate The Acolyte!
Plus to add even more joy to the day Liverpool beat Bolton and Arsenal lost to Man U (I wish both teams would have lost but that can't happen when they're playing each other!).
All I need now is a nice good night blow job and it would be one of the best Sundays ever!
ps:M for man-time will be back tommorrow!Conclusion of the first part?Hunting for quick hook ups in the clubs is a waste of time and money!Also believe it or not boys, girls you meet outside the club can give it up to!I am not shallow but I have decided to leave the relationship bizness to Kenyangal...