Football funnies

I am on antihistemines so I have spent most of the weekend sleep walking, so don't expect any pieces of wisdom today.Here are some football funnies I ran into!

What Women and Football Pitches have in common

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.

2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.

3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.

4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.

5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.

6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.

7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previously visited.

8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.

9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.

10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.

11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.

12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel. Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.

13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.

14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.

15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.

16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.

17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should.

18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.

19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.

20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week.

21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead.

22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to play on the turf.

23. Always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits). That said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player.

Anyway onto some thing else.I have set up a paypal account for the Nation Newspapers membership fund.I am targetting 9 people at the moment, I will be the 10th.We shall each give $7 which I will use to pay for full access to the Nation.The password shall then be spread to all who donated.So instead of paying $60 we only pay $7 each.Why $7?This is because paypal takes a percentage from each interaction so $6 would end up being around $5.60 or so.So it's better to give one dollar more so no-one is shortchanged.If you have any questions e-mail me or voice them as comments, whichever you feel comfy with.Who says harambee is dead?

Robot Chicken anyone?

Robot Chicken:a fifteen-minute stop motion animated television program, currently airing on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim lineup. It premiered on Sunday, February 20, 2005. Seth Green and Matthew Senreich are the creators and executive producers of the show.
It often spoofs everyday issues,celebrities,movies,tv programs etc.Not for children but is a riot!Here are some episodes for your enjoyment!Nice weekend all!I have a take home to do so no mwenjoyo for me!

Adventures at the local, cane drinks and ennui

Seeing as yesterday's post brought back so many interesting memories, I felt that I should share some more.At some point in my life we lived around Spring Valley, so I had alot of friends who live in Loresho.The thing with those areas is that there is not a very high residence turnover (meaning not too many people move out) so even 8 years after we moved out most of the people whom I knew still lived there.
Now if anyone knows anything about those neighbourhoods , it is the fact that there are alot of spoilt kids who do nothing but bum and have cash and time to burn.Now one of my best pals was tight with those people.His parents didn't lavish as much cash on him as the other kids so he had to hustle to make ends meet and I guess that's what made us be good pals as he was really down to earth.Anyway some enterprising soul decided to open a bar in the Loresho environs.The women of the local church (mother's union) were up in arms and I think they even demonstrated but since the appropriate licences and bribes were paid the joint was opened.For the first few months it was not uncommon for mothers to be found there looking for their wayward sons,daughters and husbands.It used to tickle me silly to be in the presence of a middle aged man telling us that we young uns were soft for letting our girls push us around and that he's the one who wears the pants in the house; only for the same zack to turn into a meek mouse when his wife would come and blast him for being a good for nothing and order him to follow her home.
What I used to fear about my boy, his name was Kibbz is the fact that this dude had the verbal skill to sell a Samburu in Nothern Kenya a tanning bed.More so he could even do the same with drunk people.I have a short string when it comes to drunk people as they don't reason very well, we only work well when I am under the influence too.Anyway back to the point at hand.I learnt that when I was visiting pals in Loresho, that if I passed by his area that I might as well carry a jacket as I would not be leaving soon or even that same day.I forgot to say that he was like an MP, you know those dudes who know everyone and by hanging out with him you get to know too many people by default.
What used to make my day is when to facilitate a quick escape I would go visit peeps at the local and tell them I was too broke to buy myself more then one drink (Of course I had the cash but I didnt want to be tied down).To counter this what he would ask me to give him the money I was going to use to buy the drink.He would then go and consult with his boys and they would have an adhoc harambee and buy a 750ml vodka bottle for the group.Seeing as I was not and am not a hard liqour fan, I would buy a soda to dilute my portion.Let me tell you I have never been begged for a tots of soda like I was during those times as people would rather save their cash for liqour and not soda but were more then happy to have some of mine.What would happen when you left to go to the loo is that someone who had too much vodka would add some of theirs to yours.So you would come back from the loo to find your drink more concentrated then you left it, after getting hammered a couple of times; I learned to have a bladder of steel.
We had many adventures but here is one.This adventure taught me never to go clubbing with people unless you have gotten to observe them before hand under the influence of alcohol.Now there was this young chic who was a pal of Kibbz' who really wanted to go clubbing with us.Other then seeing her in the hood once in a while I didn't know too much about her.Kibbz said that she was seemed like an o.k chic and since she said she would buy us a round or two we should take her with us.I didn't see a problem with that, later I would wish I did.The evening started well enough at the local.Everyone had a round or two to get us going.Most people were having beers but our guest decided to sample one of the brands that ended with the name cane, but like the rest of us she didnt seem the worse for wear.We went to a joint in Westlands (which will remain nameless) where we did the usual lap of honour and proceeded to get comfortable.What used to happen is that we would get one table but people would be free to roam around and do their thing.So when the young un wasnt with us long we didnt mind as she knew where to find us.It is when an hour or so, a crowd of 3 guys passed us saying "My guy!We have to see this mama!"
Hearing that we had to follow them and see what was up.To get to the site of the action, we see a crowd of dudes around a table and who is on the table?Yes you guessed it!The young un aka our guest.She was in the process of stripping to the music.She had already taken off her top and was working on the bra.Where were the bouncers at this time?Either they were watching or chatting outside.
So one of my pals grabbed her off the table as fast as possible despite the mob's protests and we took her to the ladies where we managed to get through her drunken state and convince her to put on her top.She did so and we decided to take her outside to sober up.As we were doing this she was telling us to buy her some liqour, of course we refused.So we left her sitting outside near the car with one of our pals for company and we went back in to finish our drinks.As I was drinking my beer I got that feeling you get in the gut of your stomach when something is going wrong.So I asked Kibbz to take me outside to check on the chic.On getting there we get here on the verge of shattering one of the cars windows with a large rock.Seems that she had noticed that we had a 1/3rd full bottle of vodka and she thought that was the fastest way to get to it.We managed to stop her and put her in the car.Where was our pal who was supposed to keep her company?Well he had decided to go round the block to buy some cigarettes.
So we all pile into the car and decide to go buy some fries and kuku porn to round off the night.The young un seemed to have sobered up at this point in time so we asked her to join us in the joint.We ordered our food and things seemed fine only for our meal to be interupted by her screaming!It seems that we had kidnapped her.It is at that point in time that I was thankful for Kenyan's apathy that sees them look on as you are beaten silly by muggers in the city streets.No-one in the establishment batted an eyelid so we were able to calm her down and make her realise who we were and why we were together.We took her home and boy were we glad to be rid of her.
The most ironic thing is that they next week she found us chilling out in the hood and asked us when we were going out next and if she could come.I am sure you could guess our response.

Speaking of cane drinks and the havoc the wreak, I should tell you the story about how one of my neighbours back home had a little more then she could handle and the resulting drama that had someone tell her, "If you are a teacher I feel sorry for the children."

On to ennui.My life doesn't suck but it is as boring as ever!I am tired of these long ass boring classes with the inane assignments.I am tired of my job!I am sick of this tired PC and I miss my fast Mac with it's big ass wide screen from my old job!Cable TV sucks!Internet has become mundane (blogs excepted from this comment!) I am sick of being broke!Aaaaargh!!!!!

The locals,bad hamburgers and cooking research data

That is the short name for local bar or pub.This is what people call the bar nearest to them where they go to have a drink,hang out,pick up local guys.gals, find out what's happening,to gather a crowd before moving to where the action is etc.Locals in Kenya were recognisable by these characteristics.
1.Regular crowd - Many locals are near residential areas and are patronised by people who live in the neighbourhood.As a result the bar man,waiters and patrons tend to be on a first name basis.This is very daunting for a visitor as everyone seems to know each other.
2.DJ Optional - A local doesn't even have to have music playing.Some locals just have the radio on or the same cd playing over and over, they even let you bring your own music if you are a regular!But for those that have a dj, he is not held to the same standards as those in high class establishments.I knew a dj who if he saw things were moving slow, would play a continous mix cd and would come out of his booth to mingle with the crowd.
3.Chairs Optional - I am sure those of us who are not too discriminating about where we drink have been to those bars where they have the six aside bench arrangements instead of individual seats.Sounds tacky but it works wonders for cameredrie as you end up talking to the dude next to you.Plus locals sometimes have interesting chairs ie a local I once went to had chairs that had the name of a primary school plastered on the back.
4.The Story Teller - No local is complete without the dude who has loads of cock and bull stories.These dudes have stories that keep you mesmerised, so much so that you forget how crappy the place you're drinking in.
5.The Political Guru(s) - There is always a dude or group who think that they know everything about Kenyan politics, what is wrong, what is right and how they can fix it.Thing is shouldn't they be leading instead of talking?
6.The Soccer Guru(s) - A close relative to the political guru.Likes the sound of his own voice even when he doesn't have the intellectual power to back up his posturing.
7.The residential drunk - There is always a pal who is always in the bar day in day out and almost always drunk or on the verge of being drunk.
8.The dreamer/big talker - Locals never lack this dude/chic who always has a big plan in the pipeline.There is always this big business deal they are waiting on,this big job/interview or they are leaving the country soon.But before that happens they would like you to buy them a drink and then they'll tell you how you can become part of the action.
9.Stone Walls Optional - A local isn't always a permanent structure.Many neighbourhoods in Nairobi have a local nicknamed mabatini due to the fact that it is made out of iron sheets.
10.Cheap Liqour - Yes the people who live in Lavington have Kengele's as their local so it's an exception, but most locals have very cheap liqour/beer.That's what makes them so popular.
11.The News on TV is a major issue - In most locals when the news is on TV everything stops.Music is turned off, conversation is muted and all eyes turn to the screen.
12.Kuku,Nyama Choma and other food available - A joint qualifies as a local if those foods and other delicacies like fries,ugali,mutura are sold there or at an establishment in walking distance.
13.Hawkers - If you have ever been offered a 5 in one dvd,wipers,vcds,the daily papers,assorted gadgets and clothing as you drink then your joint is a local.
14.Walls Optional - If your drinking establishment has a roof but still exposes you to the elements by having you in bandas then that is a local, notable exception The Carnivore.
15.Pathetic toilets - Sad but true, most locals had pathetic toilets.Some did try but what do you expect from 1 star establishments?
16.Drinking on credit - This is a priviledge reserved for long term regulars but is a characteristic of locals.I have a friend whom a waiter from the local passes by her house to collect her dues if she doesn't have the time to pass by to pay her bill.
17.No Bouncers - In the locals if you start drama, you are on your own.It is up to peace loving members of public to break up the drama.
18.The Langa - Locals never lack a dude/chic who has the morals of an alley cat.They have been around the block and then some and arent afraid to do another lap.They usually prey on the drunks and new comers who are not aware of their reputations.
19.Flexible closing times - Until the city council crack down on bars in residential areas there are many establishments that were open 24-7.There is a tale told of a bar that was told to adhere to closing hours during the COMESA conference that was held in Nairobi a few years ago (they were window dressing the city then).When they wanted to close it they discovered that the door had fallen off years ago.
20.Never changing decor - If your local looks exactly the same as it did 5 years ago, then it's a local.If change is neccesitated by things breaking and not the need for a new look, then yes your drinking joint is a local!
21.Plastic EABL/Supermatch/Sportsman table cloths - If your shebeen has those plastic table cloths then it's a local!Style and class need not apply!
So to all of you out there don't feel to classy.Support your local even when your wallet is bulging!Don't forget about the good times you have had blacking out under the influence of cheap liqour at your local (Milo,Kenyanmusings?Wake up!).

Now talking about hamburgers.Does anyone remember those hamburgers that were sold at Jeans Bar in Nairobi West?They were very edible as you were on your way home from Rock nite or Soul at the Carnivore and tipsy.I once bought one when I was sober and I threw it away after one bite.How in the world do you put blue band in a hamburger!Sheeeesh!

Moving on.Those idiots at the University System of Georgia have given my office a survey that needs to be filled by 30 people.This school is a ghost town.People come to class and leave immediately.I had yesterday and today.I have only gotten 10 done so far and they are due today afternoon.So guess what?I am going to fill in the rest myself! Anyway they had it coming!

Dreads

This is a book that I have had for the last 3 months or so and I highly recommend it!No review of this book says it as well as this one from 3 black chics.....

look. i don't mind
that you don't find
my locs divine--
they're mine.
yes, mine.
yes. mine.
not fine,
but--mine.
-Excerpt from "no dread", by /bams tha poetik
BETWEEN THE SHEETS
As someone who's been Happy I'm Nappy for most of my life, and a proud wearer of a dreadlocked mane for six years, I'm always pleased to find a book that celebrates natural hair. Doubly so, when I find those few that don't do so in a defensive, almost apologetic, way. Thankfully, Dreads neither apologizes for, nor tries to defend, the hair it describes; like that hair itself, Dreads just lets it all hang out.
Dreads is a beautifully-photographed black-and-white pictorial by photographers Francesco Mastalia and Alfonse Pagano (with a wonderful intro by the nattily-dreaded Alice Walker) that captures the essence of Why We Wear Dreads - told in the words of some who do.
Walker's spot-on verbal illustration of what led her to wear dreads, sparked an amen or two from me - especially when she spoke of the "how do you wash it?" question. Following Walker's intro is a brief, but informative, history of natural hair ("Sacred Rites of the Natural Hair Revolution"). From there, Mastalia and Pagano's beautiful pictures from cultures around the world, take center stage, with those being photographed, telling their Whys in their own words. As you might guess, there are as many reasons why one decides to wear dreads - jatta, ndiagne, palu, if you will - as there are wearers.
But if you come for the pretty pictures, stay for the substance - as this book provides both. For example, American Blacks have long bemoaned the tendency of American Whites to co-opt many of "our" cultural artifacts for the sake of fashion, without having an inkling of the heritage and meaning behind those artifacts. And in many instances, they would be right. But I wonder how many of those same Blacks would be surprised to learn that their chosen matted hairstyle didn't originate with Bob Marley? Or that many Rastafarians denounce the cutting and salon pampering to which many American dreadheads subject their hair? Or, indeed, that the term "dreadlocks" was originally a derogatory term, created by those who would oppress the wearing of the same?
Me, I was delighted to learn as much as I did, and the learning didn't take away from my enjoyment one bit. If my knee jerked a bit at the sight of a dreadlocked White man (and the memory of one who once told me he caked his hair with mud, to make the matting stick), I at least had the opportunity to learn why he chose the path of nappiness. A book that educates as well as entertains...gotta love it.
ON A PERSONAL NOTE
Though I've had this book for months, a fairly traumatic event happened earlier this month, that moved me to finally do this review: Yet Another White woman thought it was okay to run her hands through my dreads without my permission.
[Before you start foaming at the mouth by my inclusion of the term "White woman", note the term I used before it: "Yet Another". I've had my hair in dreads since September of 1997, and from then till now, it has only been White women - note the plural form - who have had the audacity, the nerve, the outright gall, to do such a thing to me. Multiple times. So keep your cries of "you racist" to yourselves; I ain't hearin' it].
I won't regale all and sundry with the sad, sad tale of this latest incident; email me if you want The Rest Of The Story. But let me go on record with this: the next person (most likely White, most likely a woman; but if the shoe fits...) who puts their hands in my hair, uninvited - will draw back a stub where there was once an arm.
BAMMER'S BOTTOM LINE
For those who were always curious about the nature and origin of dreadlocks, but were afraid to ask, Dreads is a great addition to your reference shelf. Even if you think you know everything about Rastas, ndiagne, Baye Fall, and the like - and you probably don't - Dreads makes for a fine work of art to display on your coffee table.

It's a great book and what I am going to do is share some pages from it.Enjoy.....


The forward by Alice Walker, just click for a larger readable image






I'm going to share many images from the book.Don't have the time to scan all the text



Don't these peeps look familiar?













More familiar peeps!



Ladies, I know you'll have alot to say about this pic!

More coming!

Damn Bastards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It seems worse than I feared.The folks at nationmedia decided to go the way of the East African Standard and make most of their website pay to view.I have several problems with this
1$60 for an annual subscription is waaaaaay too expensive.Who are they targeting?For that $60 there should be exclusive web content,video and audio too.The NY Times charges a similar fee for times select and I must say it is worth it.If you are going to charge that much then make it worth our money!
2.Why in God's name is an editorial cartoon premium content?!So much of the Nation site is premium content that now the Standard which started this offers more to read than the Nation!
Anyway here is my suggestion for anyone who may be interested.I would like to set up a paypal account where we can pool our money, pay the subscription then all those who paid would have the password so as to read the Nation as they please.What do you think?Anyone interested?

KBW forum,gold rush and women who make you want to use a crowbar....

I was at work and I was surfing the net.I realised that there is a major lack of credible Kenyan forums on-line.Some of them are full of drama,insults and nonesensical threads ala mashada or are just bland and flat like kenyans.org.
It is with that in mind that I think that KBW should start a forum for KBW members.I have noticed that often a blogger raises an interesting point and there ends up being loads of replies ie M's you can't have your cake and eat it thread or KM's Hard f*ck,the wedding,old people thread. I don't intend for this forum to replace blogging but there are times when the flow of threads is slow and other bloggers are experiencing blogger's block (nick,milo,guess et al).So it would be nice to have a place where people can chat and discuss issues away from there blogs.Plus there are 200 or so blogs, so it would be good to find one place where many of these issues have been brought up as it is hard to visit most of these blogs and keep up correspondence.
Of course membership would only be open to KBW members so as to keep away the trolls.As a KBW member it would be in your own best interests to maintain the good conduct that you try to uphold on your blog.All that would have to be put in is a filter for swear words and an admin to check it once a day or so because I do think as adults we should be able to interact in an orderly manner where a full time admin isn't needed.Anyway that is just an idea I am tossing in the wind.
I am getting tired with how empty school is.Right now the campus is a ghost town, most people have left for the summer.I cant wait for the next one month to pass so that I can blend in with crowds, see old friends and meet new ones.There are 50 incoming international students coming next semester, this number includes those coming on exchange and those who will be full time.So I would say around 30 students should be coming as not everyone who is accepted chooses to come to the school.If I was in Kenya this would be a time my undergrad college mates used to call gold rush.The old chics would be dumped and people would rush for the fresh meat.Of course as a fresher, you would have a prime piece of real estate scoped out only to be usurped by one of the old boys on the block and end up empty handed.This experience ended up leaving us much wiser and prepared for when the next freshers would appear.
Sometimes I wonder why women wonder why they can't get a man when most of the time they have their best pal plastered to their side like an unidentical siamese twin?Most dudes will not make a move when your pal is with you at every moment.Let me give you an example, there are these chics from the UK who came for exchange last year.These two would spend every moment together,take the same classes,eat together etc.Now The Acolyte had been working hard to build a rapport despite the fact that it was like chatting up a hydra.Things went well and The Acolyte decided to make his move and invite one of them to his crib so they could have a talk, have a drink and watch some dvds of this Chappele character she had been hearing about.So The Acolyte tabled his proposal and the girl goes, "That's great!When do me and Mandy (not real name) show up?"At that point The Acolyte knew things were futile and consigned the girl to the LJBF (Let's Just Be Friends) bin.And then at the end of the year these two gals were complaining how they were on the bilas train the whole year.These are the kind of girls who you meet at a bar and you want to tell the bar tender, "Could I have two Coronas and crow bar please?"(so you can break that damn bond!)Ladies please, you need to give a brother a gap because not many men can handle courting a chic to an audience or you will keep on complaining how you went out and met no-one interesting.
flashback!:- I just remembered some years back going to the Coast with some friends who had relatives who owned a beach side house.Now this house was three floors and had a flat roof where you could sit and enjoy the sun set and view.Now my pals dad when he got there would get high and insist on cooking for us.Seeing as he was a good cook the owner of the house was more then willing to accomodate him, the only catch is that he wanted to cook as he watched the sun set.So the poor house boy and gardener used to have to carry the cooker to the roof and back down every day for a week and a half.Poor bastards!I used to see the hate as they used to glare at my pal's dad whenever he would bellow that it was cooking time.I am sure they drank themselves silly on madafu (coconut wine) the day we left.

Picture post!

What do you do when you are feeling tapped out of words, but still want to blog?You do a picture post!Today boys and girls, The Acolyte goes to the store!Enjoy.....



Time to go shopping!


First things first, replace the burnt light bulb in the kitchen


Time for some soda to slake my thirst


Cant forget to pass by this aisle!


Time for some dairy products

Aimless ceiling shot


I decided to crouch in the trolley and take a shot!


Time for some meat!


No way I leave without some marble cake and cheese cake too!


Where does the time go?


I just dont feel like cooking tonight

ps:some white lady was stalking me during my final moments at the store, more on that tommorrow!