Friday, March 03, 2006

In the big City!

Since my farming here in rural Georgia has been fruitful I have decided to visit my kinfolk in the big city and have my way with all the young wayward women and enjoy as much liqour as possible as opposed to my usual moonshine!
The computer at my sister's house has crashed so I will be out of commission till Tuesday.So please don't miss me too much as I get a taste of the bright lights and big city!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

The More Things Change

I do love blogging about everyday matters and giving people something to laugh or smile about but I was reading the papers online yesterday I decided that it was time for a Public Service Anouncement.
After reading about the shutting down of KTN, the raiding of the East AfricanStandard printing press on Likoni Road where several thousand Newspapers were burned alongside the destruction of computers and the harrasment of East African Standard Journalists all I could do was shake my head. This is the same government that came into power in 2001 with a pledge to serve the people and a "zero tolerance" for corruption.
It seems after 4 years all that has been done is a total u-turn.I remember in the Moi days journalists were threatened, harrased and even detained.But I for the life of me cannot remember the government sanctioning thugs to raid a TV station and a printing press to vandalise equipment and burn newspapers.It seems that with time newer, more powerful and brutal methods of oppression are being developed by the powers that be.
One thing that the government must know that there is a reason that the courts of law exists, if the government has a problem with an article that a journalist has written he should be taken to court and charged with libel or sedition, all the facts examined and a ruling be given.Sending in attack dogs does nothing to bolster the people's falling confidence in the government or prove any point they have to make.
Michuki talks about the government being a snake that is ready to bite, he forgets that the people are the boot that can crush the government underfoot. Press freedom is an indicator of democracy often in nations where the press is not allowed to express itself freely you will find that many other freedoms have been trampled upon.
And where is President Kibaki while all this is happening?Much like Nero I think he is playing one man guitar as the country burns........
Regular programming will resume as soon as possible

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Why some of women will never get a good man

I remember there was a time when I used to get together with my pals and we would hang out with gals that we knew and when the convo steered towards the hook up this would be the girls comment ad nauseum, "where are all the good men?"
Of course in typcial Aco style I dont like my warm Tusker and premiership match interupted so the comment of choice would be,"Are you a good woman?" to give them something to ponder after which it would be back to business until the mating hour when smooth and sensitive Aco would emerge.

So since every woman sees herself as good,pure and innocent and deserving of a Prince Charming I will give you some reasons why some women have not snagged their man.
1.You are hopelessly bitter towards all men because of bad experiences with one or two men:- When a man goes out with a chic and she goes on and on about how
crappy men are esp her ex rest assure the man is making excuses not to see you again or an excuse for an early exit, I have remembered about last minute shopping or important vists to sick relatives at Nairobi/Kenyatta Hospital.
2.Youare hopelessly hung up on a complete jerk you happened to fall in love
with :- I will say this till I am blue in the face if he treats you like crap he doesn't want you!There is probably some good man who wants you but you are too blind to see this and when you are completely wasted by this bad boy the good guy is nowhere to be found.
3. Don't believe good men exist, so provoke you or attack you irrationally:-
For some reason some chics that good men are too good to be true so will do anything to make this man mistreat them.A friend of mine dated a gal who used to be beaten by her ex, this gal did everything to try and make my pal beat her and I mean everything.My pal did the wise thing and walked away.
4. You are only looking for a man to pay the bills :- I have met quite a few gals
like his esp here in the states.Some Kenyan gal went to the extent of asking me if I would pay school fees for my girlfriend and give her my credit card to shop with (You know those hypothetical questions women ask to test men).Needless to say she has never seen or heard from me again.Some other girls I talked to who say Kenyan men aren't generous say that men should help their girls with their bills in addition to taking them out and buying them gifts
just because they are giving the men their companionship.I know women who sell their companionship and they are pretty good at it I used to see them in F2 and on K-street all the time and at least they were up front.Love shouldn't have a price tag!When a man discovers you love his cash more then him he will eitherleave you or keep you as his mistress after he gets a women he can trust.
5. You are only looking for a man to be exactly what they want him to be:- A man
was a person before you met him and not a piece of clay.Take him for who he is and who he is going to be and not what you can make him.Ironically the chic who gets a man she can mould easily usually dumps him very fast.Ladies when it comes to men the product is purchased as is!
6. You are only looking to live out the stories portrayed on the show Sex & The
:-These are chics who want to live out the jet set and free sex life
style.This only exists on TV.All the men who are enjoying that drama with you are either married and if not dont have gals like you in mind.They will go look for a gal who has less mileage then an Akamba bus that does the Nairobi - Kampala route thrice a week.Plus reputations do get around so your past will haunt you and PSAs will be given to all potential boyfriends by the Watch Out For Your Boy Union.
7. You are a true believer in the worst nonsense ever advanced -radical
:-Gender equality rocks but not radical feminism.Come to think of it most chics whom I have met who call themselves feminists can hardly articulate their beliefs and their history.But anyway as I was saying if you are going to go out with a girl and she starts frothing at the mouth about the patriachy, about how oppressed women are, how evil men are, how strong and independant she is, how every problem bedeviling the world including her bad hair day is due to men; pull your holy water and crucifix young man!That should buy you enough
time to escape!Run and dont look back!When you date such a chic it is inevitable that her rage against all things male shall be turned onto you one day.Save yourself time and suffering and be as nice to her as possible and move on, besides a feminist Icon once said that the only correct kind of love is between two women so dont be a stick in the mud!
ps:I have noticed that these chics are all talk when you look at what they have done to actually uplift the plight of African women all they have done is buy some ribbon to where or taken part in some online thingie on women's day.Oh I stand corrected some actually go to Carni on V-day to "network" and drink expensive cocktails.
8. You are desparate to get married:- There are some women who reach a certain age and notice that they have spent more of their time on their career and making money while leaving the whole business of building strong relationships that could lead towards marriage and family by the wayside.They notice that their classmates who may have less money have happy families and marriages.They see their families at supermarkets and family gatherings. The loneliness begins to bite especially as more of the crew of gals opts for marriage and has less time to spend with their single and free friends. Then the broodiness strikes!The towering standards that had been placed for any hopeful men begin to be lowered one by one but it is too late!Most of the men who are your age mates and had potential are now married.So what happens now is a desparate rush to get married, anyone will do!The thing is that desparation is like the heat you felt radiating from your mother when you had broken her best vase playing ball in the house.You can feel it from miles away, so when the questions about "what do you think about
kids?where do you see yourself in 10 years" begin most men run but some bastards emain long enough to hit it and then run ie Whispering Inn (bastard here meaning loveable rascal as opposed to a person whose parentage is uknown).

But I will admit that there are some chics who just have bad luck with men and are loser magnets.Anyway before you ask that question to some innocent man please see if you land in any of the categories above!
ps: I remember my early days of reading Kenyan blogs I ran across a sex blog by a chic.I don't know if she is in KBW or not but damn that chic used to have a sex life and get around too!I think some of those posts could be used to make a porn movie coz 90% of that blog was sex or building up to it.I went back to the cyber the next day but couldnt find out how I got to that blog, I checked the browser history only to see it had been deleted by the cyber cafe attendant.A red mist came over me and all I recall was body slamming the poor boy into the ground and putting him into a choke hold till he puked and blacked out.Luckily my pal was with me and he stopped me from doing in the rest of the staff.We managed to escape and let's say there is a building next to Nando's that I haven't been to in a long time.I want to read that blog!!!!!!!!!!
Card of the day: Three of swords

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Girlie Posts

I am going to start with the usual statement that comes before someone makes a statement that may insult another party:
I don't intend to cause offense but there are some blogs that I find hard to read and that torture my simple mind to no end; I call them girlie blogs.
No I am not referring to all blogs written by women (so you who know yourself put your tongue back in it's sheathe).I am talking about the blogs written mostly (99%) by girls and that are like reading her journal or getting into her head.
Since my upgrade to Acolyte V2.0 the amount of information I can absorb has risen exponentially but for this to be done my emotional chip had to be downgraded.So when I read entries like this and this; I wonder how one mind can handle so many emotions running through it in one day and not experience a mental breakdown.
As the latest model in the Acolyte series I think that emotions are best dealt with one at a time and as soon as possible.The main Acolyte parameters come first at all times so logic must rule.To make this easy the Acolyte mainframe has this framework for dealing with information and external stimuli.To simplify this we will examine a post that has logic based approach using the Acolyte approach of Who, When, Where, What, Why, With Whom, How, What Next. Not all those categories must be fulfilled.
Who: Kikuyus, Kenyans, other tribes, Kenyan leaders, Shiroh
Where: Kenya, Nairobi, my village
What:Kikuyu ethnocentricism, anti-Kikuyu sentiment, essentialism, tribalism, tribal based systems of patronage
Why: Ethnic pride, tribalism is wrong, how to end tribalism, the importance of national unity, frustration.
Conclusion:Therefore in a nutshell I learn that Shiroh is very proud of being a Kikuyu but can't be held liable for the mistakes of the Kikuyu elite in power.She has noticed how different tribes in power have used their postions to aid their tribesmen.She also advocates different ways tribalism has been institutionalised and how it can be reversed.I love the way the post is easily categorised as it makes it easy for me to do a search in my hard-drive.My number one blog in this category is Bankele's blog!
Now onto a girlie post.This was hard as there were two leading candidates.Let's look at this one.
Who:Miss K, Omar, other men in her life
Where:In the future, past, her heart.....
What:Do I need a man in my life to define me, have I been defined by men, do relationships with a gal's dad define how she interacts with men, how I was before I had a boyfriend, how I interact with men after my first boyfriend, why is there always a man in my life, I am on the shelf, should I be on the shelf, I want a dildo (system warning:Acolyte XP is closing other unneccesary applications to handle requirements of this application)
Conclusion: We learn that Miss K is......Warning this application has unexpectedly quit.System will restore itself in 120 secs and purge the current workload
Card of the day: 6 of pentacles.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Innocence lost!

Have you ever had some sweet naive preconceptions about something only to have them brutally shattered?Well I have had quite a few and the ones that I am going to go into today are about girls or rather ladies....
1.All girls can sing - As a young lad after many years of being dragged to church and hearing the choir sing I came to this hypothesis.The church choir sings beautifully, the church choir is all women therefore all women can sing.Philosophers out there please don't point out how fallacious that theory is.Needless to say in late primary school I went to watch some high school gals auditioning for one of our fabled musicals and there was this one gal who sang (Bless her heart), and I think the main thing that stood out was the amazing number of bullfrogs that her answered her mating call.
2.All girls can dance - Another fallacious theory courtesy of your local church and television.In church after seeing all girl dance teams dance pretty well and seeing ballerinas on tv I thought that if they were girls and could dance ergo all girls can dance.One date with a girl with two left feet during the early teenage years fixed that.
3.All girls can cook - Yet more flawed reasoning from a young man.My mother was a good cook and so was my big sister therefore all girls are good cooks.I went to this girl's house with some friends and she treated us like gods, by serving us a burnt offering!
4.All girls are friends - As a young boy I never so girls beating each other black and blue and using smaler girls as punching bag.As a result to me all girls and women loved each other to bits.It was later as a teenager I recall sitting with a girl who saw another girl coming towards us in the distance."Damn it's that bitch!" exclaimed the girl I was with as she saw who was coming, yet when the girl finally reached us she was greeted with hugs and kisses worthy of a child who was once lost but now is found!Since I tend to be enamoured with women with strong personalities, I have often seen women treat each other as sisters and be close only for one of them to turn and wonder why she has a sharp pain in her back accompanied by blood; the classic dagger hidden in the hug!Why women hate each other so much I will never know!
5.All girls have fantastic hair - As a young man salons were a taboo to enter and even when I would be sent to look for my mother at Kenyatta market I would navigate the dangerous and daunting maze of hair salons as fast as possible only looking up to see the stall number afraid that those women seated around one unkempt perturbed looking lady would unleash her to devour me.So it was with great sadness that I remember my sister jolting me out of my reverie as I was absorbed by the sight of some ebony goddeses chocolate tresses, "That's a weave, straight from china!Number...."
I still have not recovered!
6.What you see is what you get!- As I got older I was aways fascinated by the different curves of the female form.The perkiness of some parts and the luscious contours of others.It is later as those parts spread the same way pancake mix does on a frying pan that I learnt that a wonderbra and and a good pair of grandma underwear do a whole lot for a woman's appearance!Disclaimer:As narrated to me by a friend!
7.All girls are closet lesbians- I have always noticed how touchy feely girls were with each other and then I discovere porn where the girls were very touchy with each other.Fallacious logic #2190 Since girls are touchy feely with each other and lesbians are very touchy feel with each other (wink wink nudge nudge) then alll girls are just a lesbian orgy waiting to happen!
8.All lesbians look like swimsuit models- Related to the discovery of porn I thought that all lesbians were vuloptous beauties.One look at the ones at the Gay Straight Alliance table set me straight real real fast!Damn why do people have to steal all my dreams!
9.All women can do the splits - Back to early teenage days now.I thought by the single fact that women do not have that unsightly protuberance in the crotch area that we men have it would make their joints way more flexible then we men.Allowing for all sorts of feats of flexibility!I met some girl who could hardly touch her toes so I was set straight in a rush!
10.All women love babies!- After seeing all my cousin's friends cooing at her baby as a teenager I thought one thing.All women love babies!Later on I met some women and girls who were not so enthralled by these bundles of love, but the fact that many of these women do get broody later on in life gets me thinking......
I am sure that if I dug deeper I could find more but the pain of recalling these ones was too much to bear!
Card of the day:Seven of wands

Sunday, February 26, 2006

The Stupid things that Men do!

This post is an addendum to Mutumia's latest post about being sexually harassed by an older African man at her workplace.So please not when I use men in this post I am talking bout men over the age of 35 because they are the ones whom are notorious for such behaviour!!!!!!!
Anyway you can read her post to know exactly what the situation was.When God created man he gave him this wonderful chemical called testorsterone in abundance within his body.This hormone is what makes men men (literally!).Testosterone:The main sex hormone in men. It is important in the development of muscle mass, strength, fast distribution, bone mass, sex drive. It is what makes us big,strong,competitive,want to build and destroy but also want to have sex a whole lot more then women do!
But let's not blame nature for people being total asshats!I think some of these dinosaurs need to know that every woman was not placed on earth for their mating pleasure.The thing with many members of the old gaurd is that they think that any seniority entitles them to a shot at a piece of ass, the sad thing is that there are some women who indulge them thus perpetuating that belief (of course these chics do it for money or favors).The most interesting thing is that this behaviour isnt limited to the secular world but also happens in the Church. There are some well known men of the cloth and televangelists who are known for using their seniority to sample their flock but I will not name names!
Oh that reminds me of some chic who used to be in KU.She told me this is how some Profs would go about it when you went to see them about doing a CAT or an extra credit project to raise your grade.
Setting - University Proffesor's Office.Prof is hard at work on his desk (or at least looks like he is ).Mutumia walks into the office after knocking.
Prof: Ah Mutumia, how are you?I haven't seen you in class for sometime?Did you do the test?
Mutumia: No, I had a family issue to attend to.
Prof: Mutumia my dear girl, you know I dont give make-ups (begins to leer at mutumia's ample cleavage now that an opportunity has presented itself)
Mutumia: But I really need this grade to graduate, I must graduate this semester!
Prof: I don't give make ups but I am sure we can come to an arrangement (drools)
Mutumia: What do you want me to do?
Prof:(Rises from seat and clears his desk) Undress and get on my desk while I close the curtains.
Believe it or not such incidents do go down!I was also told that is a reason why many of these dinosaurs have couches in their offices.
The thing that I find so amusing is the way someone would put his job and reputation at risk for a piece of ass!I mean we all remember the Bull of Auckland, John Serut and Leonard Ngaithe. I have a simple m.o, don't shit where you eat!If you must hanya do it outside the office!The office is for work not chasing ass!I mean there are women all over this world!They outnumber us men so with some work a willing partner can be found.
Anyway what would I know about all this?I am approaching 60 days of celibacy, so I have been using my man-gold for other things other then chasing ass.......
ps:Video of the week.Highlights from Liverpools 1-0 win over Manchester City!