Thursday, February 16, 2006
You know you're not in Kenya when.......
1.Restaurants and some fast food joints give you free drink refills.During my first visit to Chic-fil-a I drank so much Fanta that I could hardly walk.Hey I had to get my money's worth!
2.When back home owning a car by the age of 21 meant that you were doing really really well or that you had rich parents.Abroad it's no big deal.
3.Pathetic public transport! I know it's different for the people up North and those in Europe but down here sheesh!
4.Heng joints.First their is the exhorbitant entrance fee, then unless you go to a lounge only V.I.Ps have seats and then there is the grinding and humping that calls itself dancing that happens on the dance floor.I never knew Kenyans were conservative when it came to dancing till I went to some of these clubs.
5.Dust or rather the absence of.I can actually own a pair of white shoes and not have to wash them everytime I wear them.
Anyway feel free to add your experiences in the comments and I will use them to extend this post!
From the one and only Guess!
1. You dont have to give Kitu kidogo to have things done.
2. People say please/thank you/sorry/excuse me (try being told thank you in kenya for doing anything - even giving your kidney)
3.Getting a new passport takes 2 weeks and all you pay is the issuance fee - you dont even have to go anywhere, just pop the application into the post.
4. You get pissed off when people just decide to pop over without letting you know beforehand (at home people just come over)
5. You get home and lock the door after you (at least here)- can you imagine leaving your door unlocked?
6. You dont know any of your neighbours and have never spoken to them - even though you have lived in the apartment for years.
7. You dont shake hands with people when you meet - that is an alien concept.
8. Having a computer with broadband internet connection is the norm in practically every home - I would kill anyone who suggested that I use dial-up.
9. People glorify githering and ugali - if you are cooking githeri people will actually travel miles to eat it (i still laugh at that one)
10. When going to Kenya is considered an exotic holiday and an incredible opportunity.
11. (My mum laughed at this) You will tell all sorts of lies to your boss so you can go home, whereas the people at home will tell all sorts of lies to go abroad.
12.You own an electric blanket..
13. You spend half the year dressed like an eskimo
14. It is dark at 4pm
15. Your best friend doesnt speak a word of swahili - or doesnt even know what language that is.
16. The people you work with couldnt point out kenya on a map.
17. People throw away old and broken electrical equipments on the street for the council to collect
18. It is cheaper to buy something new that repair the broken one.
19. You have closer virtual friends than real ones.
20. I am actually making this list...
From Mutumia and her owl
1.You not only don't know your neighbors, you seriously do NOT want to know your neighbors.
2.You download crap music videos from Google video and actually watch them:(
From spicebear.ps:When I hear of that name I think of some exotic furry bear that eats rare plants!
1. people don't fight to get on the bus or train and men actually wait for women to board first
2. when standing in line for anything there is actually a ka-distance between two people (they call it personal space, at home there is no such thing)
3.when you're accent stops being kawaida and becomes exotic and charming but you still have to repeat yourself over and over.Tell me about it!!!!
From the movie buff on probation....
You know you are not in Kenya when
1.A baby shower turns in a heng/house party!!!ps:I have seen this happen!
2.Hengs close at 2 am
3.When the talk by the water fountain is about "Lost" and 'CSI' and "Desperate Housewives" and not some Mexican soap
1.When waiting in line theres an arms length space btwn you and the next person.not like the mosh pits we used to have back home esp at the bus-stop
From Whispering Inn
You know you're not in Kenya...
1.When people DO NOT flash you to talk to you - nyumbani everyone wants you to call them back.
2.When the cops are polite to you and call you sir!
3.When shit is done efficiently and competently.
4.When you call a few friends for a mbuzi and your house fills up with strangers - just because they are Kenyans.Hee hee pole my guy!
5.When corrupt politicians resign and are prosecuted and jailed when caught - and they always get caught!
6.When you're not expected to buy everyone beer.This one rocks!!
From the King of podcasts Msanii!!!
1.Over here its called Hoopin'(my and my pepos were shooting hoops one day when some dudes came and asked us ya'll hoopin'? bewidlerment and puzzled looks is all we had to offer.
2.You can actually bitch about a service and get something done...
1.you break your new phone after 2 days, call the phone company and they give you another one...FREE!
2.you invite a few friends over for dinner and somehow it turns into a big party that'll only end when the cops show up.
3.your next door neighbor merrily greets you and you start thinking s/he's "weird".
4.people proudly talk about how they haven't showered in days.
5.someone around you calls their mom a "bitch" and no one bats an eye.
I would know you are not in Kenya if (no exclusion posts)he he he
1.When a pal of mine calls me she keeps repeating "sasa" and a lot "yeahs" and "you know what i mean". So then i would know you are not in Kenya.
2.You are wondering why there is a traffic jam.
3.You are throwing raos for all of us and not feeling a pinch
4. You think cab fare is actually cheap
5.You suddenly appreciate all those relas of yours.
6.You wonder why there is so much corruption in Kenya
you know you're not in kenya when
1.You don't see any walls around homes, only decorative picket fences.
2.You see a dog and don't run in the opposite direction, instead you think 'how cute!'
3. There aren't watchmen standing at the front doors of each house.
4. Having a housemaid is a very alien concept
5. Braiding your hair involves a lot of planning, budgeting or begging
6. Only Rich kids go to boarding school.
1. You check into the club and know less than 2 percent of the patrons
2. Food mainly tastes like sh8t
3. Your sheng expressions are met with blank stares...
You know you are not in Kenya when:
- You dont see any stray animals roaming the streets.
- Still on the strays, chickens and cocks are replaced by pigeons.
- You live in the same house / neighbourhood with a pal yet you don't see them for weeks.
- Wearing anything Kenyan, a shirt or gear without looking tacky aka being patriotic abroad.
- It gets dark at 4 in the afternoon during winter and 9 in the evening sring winter.
- Most of your chums go to paying bills.
From the English Prof, Keguro
You're begging traveling friends and relas to bring you flour, maize, beans, githeri, mutura, chaps, tea, coffee, ANYTHING that tastes of home
And I still insist that the Spicebear is an exotic furry animal that climbs trees.I want one of my own!!!!!
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Comment away people!!!
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
I think they are a big load grade A of horse piss but this guy says it best.......
The Rules for GuysHigh on the bestseller lists this week is a book called The Rules a guide to dating and courting for women that effectively advocates women, in order to snag a man, follow a sexist and manipulative dating game based on the principles of 50 years ago. (Except that back then, the guys knew the women were playing this game and accounted for it.)
What follows in the same vein is a counterpart, The Rules for Guys.
First, if you're not familiar with the book The Rules here is a summary of "The Rules" in the book, which you need to know to understand the satire. Or do a Google Search to search for web pages discussing this book.
- Be a "creature unlike any other."
- Don't talk to a man first (and don't ask him to dance).
- Don't meet him halfway or go dutch with him on a date.
- Don't call him and rarely return his phone calls.
- Always end phone calls first.
- Don't accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday.
- Always end the date first.
- Stop dating him if he doesn't buy you a romantic gift for your birthday or Valentines day.
- Don't see him more than once or twice a week.
- No more than casual kissing on the first date.
- Don't tell him what to do.
- Don't expect a man to change or try to change him.
- Don't open up too fast.
- Don't date a married man.
- Be easy to live with.
- Don't stare at men or talk too much.
- Don't live with a man (or leave your things in his apartment).
- Even if you're engaged or married, you still need the rules.
- Do the Rules even when your friends or parents think you're nuts!
- Be Smart and other rules for dating in high school.
- Take Care of yourself and other Rules for dating in college.
- Next! And other Rules for dealing with Rejection.
- Don't discuss the Rules with your therapist.
- Don't break the Rules.
- Do the Rules and you'll live happily ever after.
- Love only those who love you.
ps:Don't you ever wonder why the people who write this crap are so so so single or divorced?But as the saying goes those who don't know teach! - Acolyte
The Rules for Guys
by Elliot Feign and Sherman Schagged'er
- 1. Be a "creature unlike any other."
- However, in particular think in terms of "The Creature from the Black Lagoon" (Universal 1954), a dark monster that conquers her. Beauty and the Beast. Chicks love that shit.
- 2. Don't talk much to a girl (but do take her dancing.)
- She only wants to talk about relationships and girl stuff anyway. So take her dancing. They go nuts for this. Learn enough to get by and look cool, though you won't need it much after you have her hooked. In the meantime you can flirt with the other girls on the dance floor.
- As the saying goes make hay while the sun shines!
- 3. Pay her way on the date, but expect to get back in kind.Buy her a nice meal, so that she knows what she owes you in exchange for the meal. In addition, if you buy her a fancy schmancy $50 dinner at some ritzy place, she won't be able to turn down your request for a $300 "loan" until you can "get to the cash machine." Good investment.
- What's with this stuff that chics say about "He should pay coz he is getting my companionship"crap?Aren't you getting companionship from him?
- 4. Don't call her after sex.
- Make her wait a few days. Girls do this stare at the phone thing, makes them all anticipatory. Don't give them what they want. Call her in a couple of days or if you get horny again. Also, after sex, just roll over and go to sleep, even if she hasn't had an orgasm yet. You did a lot of work and you're tired, and you have important work to do tomorrow.
- Believe it or not sex is hard work for men!We need to sleep so as to recharge!
- 5. Always end phone calls first.
- Especially if she's read the Girl's Rules that tell her to do this, you won't have to worry about long phone calls. I mean girls can yak so long on the phone.
- Another set of rules says, "stay on phone only as long as it takes you to have a quickie, hang up if neccessary!"
- 6. Don't give her any warning about a date.
- Make sure she stays free all the time in case you call. And more to the point, keep yourself free in case something comes up elsewhere, if you know what I mean. If you call and she's not available, act real hurt, make it seem like you will end the relationship if she does this a lot.
- 7. Tell her what she wants to hear (ie. Lie.)
- You like long walks on the beach. You love kids. You like to cook. You're looking to settle down in a country home with that one special girl. You love horses, paris, chick movies, sushi and Meryl Streep. You support her goals. Tell her you're rich, famous, whatever. She'll figure out the more ridiculous ones eventually but if you play this right you'll get laid first and have her captured. Don't be scared to eventually talk to her about "the relationship" -- girls go for this. Just be sure not to believe it yourself.
Many times truth gets you nowhere so you have to polish things a wee bit at times!
- 8. Stop dating her if she doesn't put out by the second date.
- Pretend like you're not super eager to get laid but drop the hint with gentle physical contact. It is nice to date easy chicks and all and get laid on the first date, but some of the hottest ones like to wait a date. However, if she doesn't at least give you a blowjob by date #2, #3 at the latest, there are better investments out there. On date #3, remind her of the "third date rule."
- The jury is out on this one, if you are getting it by date #2 then who hasn't?
- 9. Tell her you love her.
- This is the big corollary of rule #7. Don't do it right away but definitely do it if she's showing reluctance on that blowjob. Practice saying it like you mean it. As the old saying goes, "Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that you've got it made."
- Please visit Mutumia's post of faking orgasms for further clarification...
- 10. No more than casual sex on the first, or 100th date.
- Definitely don't get too involved, as she might ask to be monogamous or something. Make sure that you never let yourself get tied down.
- 11. Tell her what to do.
- Hey, in the end they all want to be dominated. So make all the decisions and see how she goes for it. If so, you can probably get this to continue in the bedroom. No girl is perfect, but most of them like to please a man so you can change the one(s) you have to fit your needs.
- 12. Be the bad boy.
- Girls love the "bad boy." They hope they can "reform" him, or they're a case of point #11 above. Either way, you can be as bad as you like. Treat her like she doesn't exist. Be mysterious. Dangerous. Wear cuffs and a leather motorcycle jacket, even if you drive a Hyundai. (Park the Hyundai somewhere else and walk to where you meet her, though.) Remember, nice guys don't get laid.
- When it comes to the chics good guys always finish last!!!!
- 13. Don't let her know anything she can pin on you.
- Girls like to get close to their guy, and "communicate." But later, if you break up, she might try and get back at you so for crissake don't let her know anything she could use or spread to others. Invent deep intimate stuff you can tell her in bed, she'll go for it. If you can't think up your own, buy one of those books with Fabio (the guy from the "I can't believe it's not butter" commercials) on the cover and be one of those guys. (God, this guy can't tell butter from margarine and chicks swoon over him? Something strange going on here.)
- Heee hee, this dude has made my day!
- 14. Don't tell her you're married!
- For some reason they get really upset. When you take off your ring, get some tanning lotion or put your hand under a sunlamp to make sure it's not visible where you took it off. Or tell your wife you just don't want to wear a ring; invent some sort of bizarre hand disease or rice picker accident. Anyway even the ones who haven't read the Girl's Rules don't want to date married guys so don't let her (or your wife) know.
- 15. Be a pain to live with.
- Well, this isn't a thing to so much try to do as a reminder to be yourself. If you shack up, don't alter your own life just to make it easier for her. One exception, which is admittedly a royal pain, but worth it -- put the toilet seat down after you take a wizz. She sees that and she'll think she's found god's gift to girls, and she'll give you better sex than a $300 hooker. Compare -- 5 seconds of your time each day to put down the seat vs. $300 blowjob. No brainer!
- 16. Don't get caught staring at her tits or other girls'.
- For some reason girls don't like it when we stare at their tits when we talk to them. And they don't like us staring at other girls' either. As if we have a choice! Anyway, they're watching for this so don't get caught. Check their eyes, then do your looking.
- Or buy reflective shades....
- 17. Don't let her leave your things in your apartment.
- Or give her a key, until you're sure you can count on her for very regular nookie. Otherwise they might try to insinuate themselves into your life before you are sure of this.
- Run while you still can!
- 18. Even if you're engaged or married, you still can play around.
- I mean, do they own you or something? This rule is the most fun.
- 19. Do The Rules even when your friends or parents think you're nuts!
- Truth is, you're getting laid, and they are just jealous.
- 20. Don't give her the ring, but make her think you will -- or give her a fake ring.
- Drop hints and pretend like some day you want to be married to her, but don't actually do it. You can even get engaged if you want to lock in some regular pussy. There's no law that says you actually have to follow through with the ceremony. Plus, it takes an expert to tell cubic zirconia from a diamond, and if she takes her ring to an expert she clearly doesn't trust you and is a lost cause anyway. You can get one of these rings for about $100 and trust me you'll get a fuck worth far more than that out of it.
- Gotta look into this!
- 21. Double check the birth control.
- There's a trade off here. On one hand you don't want to use condoms, so get her on the pill ASAP. On the other hand if she runs the birth control she might blindside you with something annoying like a kid just to hook you. You decide. If she gets pregnant, take the new "morning-after" pill for guys. (It alters your blood type.)
- 22. Don't discuss The Rules for Guys with girls.
- Like I need to explain this one to you? Do they explain their rules to us? Thought not.
- 22a. Don't discuss The Rules for Guys with your therapist.Because if you have a therapist you've really missed the point of The Rules for Guys.
- 23. Figure out her romantic dream.
- Almost all girls have one. In 90% of cases it's the knight in shining armour, the handsome prince or the tall, dark and handsome mysterious stranger. Harlequin Romances isn't exactly going broke selling girls books about how a guy comes into the girl's life and does something as simple as fixing her car to make her life right and sweeps her off her feet. You would be amazed at the "mileage" you can get just by taking her car down to the shop. Though if you can find a good mechanic, let me know, OK? Anyway, subtly find out her own personal romantic dream, and play-act it. On the cheap, of course -- you only have to play-act. While she may dream of a billionaire who whisks her away to his ranch in his jet, she'll settle for a $60 rental limo and a $40 1-hour rental horseback ride.
- 24. Sometimes ya gotta break The Rules.
- Hey, Burger King said it best. And it's a great place for a cheap date (use $4 from the $300 she "lent" you.) But in this case I mean you gotta break the Girl's Rules.
- 25. Do The Rules girls. Yes, you can! If you suspect that some really attractive girl is following The Rules for girls, take heart. I mean if she's a dog, lose her. But if she's got a great set or you have some other reason to particularly want her, you now know her exact game and can use it to get her. The book tells these girls to follow its rules religiously, even when they don't make sense. You will have to wait 6 dates, but the authors do tell girls over 30 it's OK to have sex, so they will. Forget young "The Rules" girls unless you are really keen on virgin-plucking. You only have to date 'em once a week -- if you date them Friday then you are free as a bird on Saturday; they'll end calls and dates; they won't call you when you have other girls over -- a lot of advantages, and as long as you see past all the manipulative "hard-to-get" tricks you won't be fooled, just laid.
First, you have to check if she's a The Rules girl or just a stuck-up bitch. Sometimes it can be hard to differentiate them. Test this by first telling her how much you admire a girl who sticks to her principles, and then call her Thursday telling her you just got front-row Orchestra seats to the Boston Pops (a classical musical group) concert on Friday. If she says yes, she's the stuck-up bitch. Say, "Did I say Boston Pops? I meant Iggy Pop!" and dump her.
If she says a reluctant no, she's a The Rules girl. The book tells them never to accept a weekend date after Wednesday. Rush out to the bookstore to get a copy of The Rules. You'll find it in the dating/relationships section. Since there is zero chance you've ever gone near that section before, ask at the cashier's desk. When you get to it you'll know why you've never been to this section before from the titles of the books. Venus and Mars Together Forever. Men who hate women and the women who love them too much. Like Dave Barry says I am not making this up. You're the only guy in weeks to go to this section other than to laugh at the titles, so if you're lucky some chick might even hit on you. But if not, go buy the book, and then read it. It's short.
Now you'll know her exact game. Problem is, as noted, it will be 6 weeks until you get laid. Be sure you have something else on the side during those six weeks. But look at the advantages. Other than those noted above, you'll learn that she won't bring up crap like "marriage" or "kids" or "the relationship." She expects you to bring these things up. Soon the book will tell her to dump you. Track this, and make sure to start dating another The Rules girl before the breakup -- 6 weeks before the breakup if you can time it right.
26. Do The Rules For Guys and you'll get laid.
Don't forget this. You may be tempted to break them, to be "nice" or "sensitive" or even listen to her. But everybody knows that nice guys don't get laid. You want to be nice or in the sack? I thought so......
By the way I think that both sets of rules are full of it.So don't get heated about what I posted.And if you really take the rules to heart then I think you need a reality check or a time machine........
Monday, February 13, 2006
February 14th is the Eastern Orthodox Church's holiday of Saint Auxentios Of The Mountain (pronounced "Aw-zeen-ti-os").
In case you don't want to celebrate Valentine's Day and give some woman compliments and gifts so as to earn her approval, placate her ego and give her something to show off with as she plays a game of who got the biggest,best, shiniest gift with her girlfriends
You can say you are celebrating Saint Auxentios Day.
Here is some background info on him:
"The Monk Auxentios, by origin a Syrian, served at the court of the emperor Theodosius the Younger (418-450). He was known as a virtuous, learned and wise man, and he was moreover a friend of many of the pious men of his era.
Distressed by worldly vanity, Saint Auxentios accepted the dignity of presbyter, and then received monastic tonsure. Setting off after this to Bithynia, he found a solitary place on Mount Oxus, not far from Chalcedon, and there he began the life of an hermit. (This mountain was afterwards called Auxentian). The place of the saint's efforts was stumbled upon by shepherds, seeking after lost sheep. They spread the news about him, and people began to come to him for healing. With the Name of God, Saint Auxentios healed many of the sick and the infirm.
In the year 451 Saint Auxentios was invited to the Fourth Ecumenical Council at Chalcedon, where he became known as a denouncer of the Eutykhian and Nestorian heresies. He was greatly familiar with Holy Scripture, and Saint Auxentios easily bested those opponents who entered into dispute with him. After the finish of the Council, Saint Auxentios returned again to his solitary cell on the mountain. By means of spiritual sight he saw the end of Saint Simeon the Pillar-Dweller (459), from over a great distance.
The Monk Auxentios himself died in about the year 470, leaving behind him disciples and many monasteries constructed in the Bithynian region."
Happy Saint Auxentios Day KBW!!!
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Question is what to write for you 300th post?Since words and staying on one topic are somewhat of a collosal challenge for me I am going to prattle around as usual.So let's go down some bunny trails.
Bunny trail #1
It is amazing that my 300th post coincides with the return of my apathetic persona heavily tinged with cynicism.Yes now I have a reason to scowl at people everday!This whole thing of smiling was hurting my face and cramping my style.I am now a firm believer in the self serving depraved nature of humanity as evidenced by our leaders in Kenya,people I have known and life in general.When it comes to people I have gone back to my "0 expectations, 0 disappointments policy' you can't be disappointed in someone when you dont expect anything from them.So when someone does something nice I am pleasantly suprised because very few people in the world today do anything out of a general sense of altruism.When someone helps you more often then not it is because it helps them ie assuage their conscience,build brownie points in heaven, look racially sensitive etc.But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't enjoy it when it comes to you.And no I am not depressed at all!I am fine, I have just realised that it doesn't pay to invest emotionally in many things.
Bunny trail #2
I want to bitch slap one of my Profs!She is one of those ones fresh from Phd school,starry eyed and wants to help us chart new trails in acedemia by overloading our minds like a government mule during the gold rush in California.Her course is a higher level undergrad but she has us reading 5 books!Firstlly all my other grad courses have 2 textbooks at most so this woman is burning a hole in my pocket!Then she has us doing this group work crap!I hate groups they are a waste of time!Then since it is a social science class she is always harping on about statistics,I told her that they are lies lies and damn statistics!Also she talks to us like we are her fellow phds and if Aco has problems understanding you at times rest assured that the rest of the class is in limbo.In fact attendance has really gone down because we know how most American students are against hard work.We had a discussion in her office about some race issues and why some immigrants and races have done better and some havent, so I gave my take on culture and it's affects on how people intergrate into a socio-economic setting and she tells me that I am over-simplofying things.Well I use simple because simple works!Complicated viewes lead to complicated solutions which dont work and are just turned into reports that sit on people's desks otherwise we would not be having any poverty or problems in Africa; most of the useful solutions in Africa to problems have been seemingly simple home grown solutions.The she tells me that I have a strong positivist bent, meaning that I believe that there is one solution and that we must all seek it, not really I believe that truth is relative and that yes you must seek it or live in ignorance .I asked her when she started teaching and she said this sem, so I told her that it explains all her passion; I added that it would pass after a few semesters; she told me that that statement was condescending (and to think that I forgot to add the sarcasm). To make things more interesting the book that I chose to critique and present is one that most doesn't not go well with her beliefs ; it concerns affirmative action in education and how it has served its' time and must go among other issues.I agree with alot of what the author says and she doesn't as she told me when we talked outside class one day; so what I am doing at the moment is gathering as much research and related material to support the book since I can't bitch slap her physically I might as well do so intellectually.I will most definitely let ya'll know how it goes!
Bunny trail #3
I was reading some KBW member's blog and she was that cells should be prepared for those Ministers and M.Ps who have stolen billions from tax payers.BULL SH*T!It is obvious that if they ever get to jail key word being ever, is that they will bribe to ensure that they live in the lap of luxury ala Pattni in Kamiti.Their crime instead should be made a capital offense punishable by beheading.Russia is locking up the oligarchs who have been plundering the nations resources, yes I know there is also some political background to this but if the people profit then why not?The odds of this happening in Kenya at the moment are slim but a man can dream can't he?
Bunny trail #4
I don't remember where I picked this quote from but it made my day:
I have no problem with Christ, it's christians I can't stand! - Anonymus
Here is another classic quote from the Aco files:
Kenyan pal: Siku moja lazima nipate kiti huko nyumbani!One day I have to stand for election back home
Aco: Ward gani?What city council ward?
If you can't understand the underlying joke then please come spend time with me so I can make fun of you all day without you knowing!
Bunny trail #5
I may have commented on this before but I was talking about to some chic the other day and she was making the usual comment "there are no more outstanding men." Since now I am Acolyte V2.0 I did not give here the usual apologist comment "There are still good men!"
What I asked her is that what is so unique about her that she deserves a Prince charming as oppossed to an everyday dude?She had earlier laid out a long list of the romantic gestures her man to be was suppossed to do daily,the things that he was suppossed to buy her and how he should look and dress.I in turn asked her what she was going to do in return, was she the kind of girl whose character would make a man want to do such things, what was the stunning difference between her and the girl sitting at the next table.I am sick and tired of people both men and women asking for something spectacular but are not ready to put in the work that is required.I can't bring grade C game to the table and expect to get a grade A Queen?If you want something good you gotta put in the work!!!
Needless to say these 300 posts have been fun and hopefully 300 more are coming!