Thursday, February 16, 2006

You know you're not in Kenya when....

Here's part two of the interactive blog experience while my mind recharges.Since a large number of us KBW members are not in Kenya, we have had to adjust to very different cultures, sights and sounds.So what we are going to do here is we are going so share experiences beginning with.
You know you're not in Kenya when.......
1.Restaurants and some fast food joints give you free drink refills.During my first visit to Chic-fil-a I drank so much Fanta that I could hardly walk.Hey I had to get my money's worth!
2.When back home owning a car by the age of 21 meant that you were doing really really well or that you had rich parents.Abroad it's no big deal.
3.Pathetic public transport! I know it's different for the people up North and those in Europe but down here sheesh!
4.Heng joints.First their is the exhorbitant entrance fee, then unless you go to a lounge only V.I.Ps have seats and then there is the grinding and humping that calls itself dancing that happens on the dance floor.I never knew Kenyans were conservative when it came to dancing till I went to some of these clubs.
5.Dust or rather the absence of.I can actually own a pair of white shoes and not have to wash them everytime I wear them.
Anyway feel free to add your experiences in the comments and I will use them to extend this post!
From the one and only Guess!

1. You dont have to give Kitu kidogo to have things done.
2. People say please/thank you/sorry/excuse me (try being told thank you in kenya for doing anything - even giving your kidney)
3.Getting a new passport takes 2 weeks and all you pay is the issuance fee - you dont even have to go anywhere, just pop the application into the post.
4. You get pissed off when people just decide to pop over without letting you know beforehand (at home people just come over)
5. You get home and lock the door after you (at least here)- can you imagine leaving your door unlocked?
6. You dont know any of your neighbours and have never spoken to them - even though you have lived in the apartment for years.
7. You dont shake hands with people when you meet - that is an alien concept.
8. Having a computer with broadband internet connection is the norm in practically every home - I would kill anyone who suggested that I use dial-up.
9. People glorify githering and ugali - if you are cooking githeri people will actually travel miles to eat it (i still laugh at that one)
10. When going to Kenya is considered an exotic holiday and an incredible opportunity.
11. (My mum laughed at this) You will tell all sorts of lies to your boss so you can go home, whereas the people at home will tell all sorts of lies to go abroad.
12.You own an electric blanket..
13. You spend half the year dressed like an eskimo
14. It is dark at 4pm
15. Your best friend doesnt speak a word of swahili - or doesnt even know what language that is.
16. The people you work with couldnt point out kenya on a map.
17. People throw away old and broken electrical equipments on the street for the council to collect
18. It is cheaper to buy something new that repair the broken one.
19. You have closer virtual friends than real ones.
20. I am actually making this list...
From Mutumia and her owl
1.You not only don't know your neighbors, you seriously do NOT want to know your neighbors.
2.You download crap music videos from Google video and actually watch them:(
From spicebear.ps:When I hear of that name I think of some exotic furry bear that eats rare plants!
1. people don't fight to get on the bus or train and men actually wait for women to board first
2. when standing in line for anything there is actually a ka-distance between two people (they call it personal space, at home there is no such thing)
3.when you're accent stops being kawaida and becomes exotic and charming but you still have to repeat yourself over and over.Tell me about it!!!!
From the movie buff on probation....
You know you are not in Kenya when
1.A baby shower turns in a heng/house party!!!ps:I have seen this happen!
2.Hengs close at 2 am
3.When the talk by the water fountain is about "Lost" and 'CSI' and "Desperate Housewives" and not some Mexican soap
From Strawberries
1.When waiting in line theres an arms length space btwn you and the next person.not like the mosh pits we used to have back home esp at the bus-stop
From Whispering Inn
You know you're not in Kenya...
1.When people DO NOT flash you to talk to you - nyumbani everyone wants you to call them back.
2.When the cops are polite to you and call you sir!
3.When shit is done efficiently and competently.
4.When you call a few friends for a mbuzi and your house fills up with strangers - just because they are Kenyans.Hee hee pole my guy!
5.When corrupt politicians resign and are prosecuted and jailed when caught - and they always get caught!
6.When you're not expected to buy everyone beer.This one rocks!!

From the King of podcasts Msanii!!!
1.Over here its called Hoopin'(my and my pepos were shooting hoops one day when some dudes came and asked us ya'll hoopin'? bewidlerment and puzzled looks is all we had to offer.

2.You can actually bitch about a service and get something done...

From cute_angel

1.you break your new phone after 2 days, call the phone company and they give you another one...FREE!

2.you invite a few friends over for dinner and somehow it turns into a big party that'll only end when the cops show up.

3.your next door neighbor merrily greets you and you start thinking s/he's "weird".

4.people proudly talk about how they haven't showered in days.

5.someone around you calls their mom a "bitch" and no one bats an eye.

From Shiroh

I would know you are not in Kenya if (no exclusion posts)he he he
1.When a pal of mine calls me she keeps repeating "sasa" and a lot "yeahs" and "you know what i mean". So then i would know you are not in Kenya.

2.You are wondering why there is a traffic jam.

3.You are throwing raos for all of us and not feeling a pinch

4. You think cab fare is actually cheap

5.You suddenly appreciate all those relas of yours.

6.You wonder why there is so much corruption in Kenya

From Kenyangal

you know you're not in kenya when
1.You don't see any walls around homes, only decorative picket fences.
2.You see a dog and don't run in the opposite direction, instead you think 'how cute!'
3. There aren't watchmen standing at the front doors of each house.
4. Having a housemaid is a very alien concept
5. Braiding your hair involves a lot of planning, budgeting or begging
6. Only Rich kids go to boarding school.

From Milo

1. You check into the club and know less than 2 percent of the patrons
2. Food mainly tastes like sh8t
3. Your sheng expressions are met with blank stares...

From Mocha!

You know you are not in Kenya when:

- You dont see any stray animals roaming the streets.

- Still on the strays, chickens and cocks are replaced by pigeons.

- You live in the same house / neighbourhood with a pal yet you don't see them for weeks.

- Wearing anything Kenyan, a shirt or gear without looking tacky aka being patriotic abroad.

- It gets dark at 4 in the afternoon during winter and 9 in the evening sring winter.

- Most of your chums go to paying bills.

From the English Prof, Keguro

You're begging traveling friends and relas to bring you flour, maize, beans, githeri, mutura, chaps, tea, coffee, ANYTHING that tastes of home

And I still insist that the Spicebear is an exotic furry animal that climbs trees.I want one of my own!!!!!


21 comments:

guessaurus said...

I am first - either that or am I stalking your blog - its a pretty slow day at work today...

You know you are not in Kenya when:

1. You dont have to give Kitu kidogo to have things done.
2. People say please/thank you/sorry/excuse me (try being told thank you in kenya for doing anything - even giving your kidney)
3.Getting a new passport takes 2 weeks and all you pay is the issuance fee - you dont even have to go anywhere, just pop the application into the post.

4. You get pissed off when people just decide to pop over without letting you know beforehand (at home people just come over)

5. You get home and lock the door after you (at least here)- can you imagine leaving your door unlocked?

6. You dont know any of your neighbours and have never spoken to them - even though you have lived in the apartment for years.

7. You dont shake hands with people when you meet - that is an alien concept.

8. Having a computer with broadband internet connection is the norm in practically every home - I would kill anyone who suggested that I use dial-up.

9. People glorify githering and ugali - if you are cooking githeri people will actually travel miles to eat it (i still laugh at that one)

10. When going to Kenya is considered an exotic holiday and an incredible opportunity.

11. (My mum laughed at this) You will tell all sorts of lies to your boss so you can go home, whereas the people at home will tell all sorts of lies to go abroad.

12.You own an electric blanket..
13. You spend half the year dressed like an eskimo
14. It is dark at 4pm
15. Your best friend doesnt speak a word of swahili - or doesnt even know what language that is.
16. The people you work with couldnt point out kenya on a map.
17. People throw away old and broken electrical equipments on the street for the council to collect
18. It is cheaper to buy something new that repair the broken one.
19. You have closer virtual friends than real ones.
20. I am actually making this list...

I have more...

mutumia said...

You not only don't know your neighbors, you seriously do NOT want to know your neighbors.

You download crap music videos from Google video and actually watch them:(

spicebear said...

you know you are not in kenya when

1. people don't fight to get on the bus or train and men actually wait for women to board first

2. when standing in line for anything there is actually a ka-distance between two people (they call it personal space, at home there is no such thing)

3.when you're accent stops being kawaida and becomes exotic and charming but you still have to repeat yourself over and over.

i totally feel you on the free refills - its like soda is water over here!!

Movie Buff said...

You know you are not in Kenya when

-A baby shower turns in a heng/house party!!!

-Hengs close at 2 am

Movie Buff said...

Also add

You know you are not in Kenya

- When the talk by the water fountain is about "Lost" and 'CSI' and "Desperate Housewives" and not some Mexican soap

strawberries are said...

When waiting in line theres an arms length space btwn you and the next person.

Whispering Inn said...

Alright Aco, you asked for it...
You know you're not in Kenya...
When people DO NOT flash you to talk to you - nyumbani everyone wants you to call them back.
When the cops are polite to you and call you sir!
When shit is done efficiently and competently.
When you call a few friends for a mbuzi and your house fills up with strangers - just because they are Kenyans.
When corrupt politicians resign and are prosecuted and jailed when caught - and they always get caught!
When you're not expected to buy everyone beer.
Ad infinitum - hii list haina mwisho!

Joseph Walking said...

you are to fun the one about people lying to come abroad and llying to ur boss to go home is tooo funny

Msanii_XL said...

Lol..funny shit..

I don't know my neighbours

Over here its called Hoopin'(my and my pepos were shooting hoops one day when some dudes came and asked us ya'll hoopin'? bewidlerment and puzzled looks is all we had to offer.

You can actually bitch about a
service and get something done...

spicebear said...

wee aco! exotic (ha! me from central and ati i'm exotic) yes. but i take issues with the furry part - i own (and actually use) a razor.

Mignon said...

You know you're not in Kenya when...

1.you break your new phone after 2 days, call the phone company and they give you another one...FREE!

2.you invite a few friends over for dinner and somehow it turns into a big party that'll only end when the cops show up.

3.your next door neighbor merrily greets you and you start thinking s/he's "weird".

4.people proudly talk about how they haven't showered in days.

5.someone around you calls their mom a "bitch" and no one bats an eye.

Shiroh said...

I would know you are not in Kenya if (no exclusion posts)he he he
1.When a pal of mine calls me she keeps repeating "sasa" and a lot "yeahs" and "you know what i mean". So then i would know you are not in Kenya.

2.You are wondering why there is a traffic jam.

3.You are throwing raos for all of us and not feeling a pinch

4. You think cab fare is actually cheap

5.You suddenly appreciate all those relas of yours.

6.You wonder why there is so much corruption in Kenya

Kenyangal said...

you know you're not in kenya when 1.You don't see any walls around homes, only decorative picket fences.
2.You see a dog and don't run in the opposite direction, instead you think 'how cute!'
3. There aren't watchmen standing at the front doors of each house.
4. Having a housemaid is a very alien concept
5. Braiding your hair involves a lot of planning, budgeting or begging
6. Only Rich kids go to boarding school.

Milonare said...

1. You check into the club and know less than 2 percent of the patrons
2. Food mainly tastes like sh8t
3. Your sheng expressions are met with blank stares...

Man I suddenly miss home!!!

Hibernating Mami! said...

From her hibernating den, Mocha! says:

You know you are not in Kenya when:

- You dont see any stray animals roaming the streets.

- Still on the strays, chickens and cocks are replaced by pigeons.

- You live in the same house / neighbourhood with a pal yet you don't see them for weeks.

- Wearing anything Kenyan, a shirt or gear without looking tacky aka being patriotic abroad.

- It gets dark at 4 in the afternoon during winter and 9 in the evening sring winter.

- Most of your chums go to paying bills.

Have a nice weekend Aco!

Keguro said...

You're begging traveling friends and relas to bring you flour, maize, beans, githeri, mutura, chaps, tea, coffee, ANYTHING that tastes of home

Guessaurus said...

LOL I had to come back:

The phone and the internet can and does solve all your problems, and create most of them.

The word KENYA perks you up either from newpapers or tv

You are upset when Kenya is portrayed in bad light in the media, and protest vigorously (did I mention that you do this on your own, indoors LOL)

You are the representative of all things black in your workplace - irrespective of the reference.

Your name and date of birth are the only things needed for anyone to know everything about you including whether you have ever had an STD (LOL)

spicebear said...

aiyeh aco, you are spoiling my c.v! i must protest - i haven't climbed a tree in years ... i'll be back when i've mustered enough ammunition

Acolyte said...

@ spicebear
What do you eat?And how do you keep your fur so shiny?

Adrian said...

you know you are not in kenya when:

- you end up saying hi or nodding to any black man you meet (may not be the case in the states or uk coz there are many there, but in switzerland...)

- you make plans for the evening or weekend using e-mail or sms, instead of calling (pple at home just never use sms)

- when the tv station apologises for a 5-minute delay in programming

- when you know 8 weeks in advance that there will be a technician coming to your flat

great list - almost deserves it's own blog or website

Acolyte said...

@ Adrian
Yes we can keep this goin for a long long time!