Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Why most men's magazines are crap!

I have always wanted to do a post about how most of the magazines on sale for men are crap but it seems the owner of one of my fave blogs did it!And ladies you aren't the target this time so put down the knives!

Lad's Mags

Stupidly, I occasionally bought men's magazines like FHM, Loaded and GQ when I was in my early twenties. I too can make the same confession!

These magazines are basically there to turn men into women with regards to consumer habits. They implore men to spend money on crap they don't need to "feel" better, whether it's over-priced clothes, worthless silver gadgets or "lad's weekends" to London or whatever.
Let's just say in my case they made me realise how many "cool" things I didnt own or couldnt
afford to!

I mainly became dissolusioned with them when I saw a fashion page featuring some twat wearing a plain non-descript white shirt, and according to the caption "Gerald wears a shirt by Georgio Armani, £95." This plain white shirt looked no different than the ones you can get for a tenth of that price from "non-trendy" shops. And "Gerald" looked like a fucking woman anyway, looking all moody and emotional as he gazed off into the distance, probably wondering what he'd spend his modelling fee on, and probably thinking "I know; £95 shirts. And gay porn."
Damn the last line made my day!But he does have a point most of the time you can buy clothes
that look alot like the designer labels being peddled by these punks for 1/3rd of the price!Plus
being a fashion hound shouldnt be a normal man's obsession!

In the same issue of whatever magazine this was - I think it was FHM - there was an "updated Kama Sutra" featuring all sorts of sexual positions and crap. One was a position you can try with two women, whereby you fuck one from behind whilst she's in a sixty-nine with another woman, and the column helpfully advised us "women are all a bit bisexual anyway, so they shouldn't take too much convincing to perform oral sex on each other."

This magazine made it out to be a common thing for guys to regularly bed two women at a time! In all seriousness, how many of you men, honestly, often have threesomes with two women? Two women willing to go down on each other? Answers on a postcard to 69 Fraud Street, Liarville, Bullshitshire. This competition is not open to Ron Jeremy.
I think that paragraph says enough I need not add anything to it!

These magazines are designed to make you feel as if every guy in the universe except you is getting laid constantly, and that in order to join the hallowed ranks of these supermen, you have to buy whatever the advertisers are flogging, whether it's a plasma screen telly, a £95 Armani shirt or solid-silver cufflinks encrusted with crystallised moon rock.
What pisses me off are those 10 steps to getting laid or how to make her hot for you and that kind of shit they put in, that crap belongs in Cosmo not mens magazines!It really isnt that fast or that easy!Plus I think the rest speaks for itself!

These magazines are clearly written by women and Media Studies graduate twats. Anyone but normal everyday men. You can tell because they assume us men are two-dimensional "beer, sex 'n footie" creatures, the same way feminists view us as being. All the articles are invariably about how great it is to drink beer, how to sleep with lots of women and about who is going to win the football league that year. There's nothing remotely intellectual there. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a culture snob, I don't think that you have to read about Wittgenstein or Quantum Mechanics to be intelligent, but a stray article about, say, the current progress of the International Space Station, or an interview with a World War II veteran on what he did during the war, wouldn't go amiss. Just something more thoughtful than the usual tripe they scribble about.
My point exactly!There is more then meets the eye to most of us men!We dont spend everyday thinking about beer,sport and sex, believe it or not!

Instead, in between photo-shoots of Australian soap actresses in their underwear, there are lists of anecdotes about "The World's Dumbest Criminals" or "Bizarre Deaths" that were clearly just nicked off of the internet and most of which have long-since been disproved by Snopes anyway.

What is it with them putting men on the covers and half-naked in adverts too? I know women are so narcissistic that they prefer to buy magazines with pictures of women on, but us men are different. Yet adverts in these magazines often feature guys with their tops off and looking all pouty and sultry. Why? Seeing a young man with his shirt off doesn't make me want to buy some Yak's piss aftershave at £50 a bottle. Look at the cover of GQ on the right. Do you feel compelled to buy it just because it features a picture of a semi-naked actor on the front? (or singer, I'm not sure which, I don't keep up with popular culture because it's rubbish.)
A grade A point!I have never bought a cologne because Russel Crowe or whatever other flavour of the day endorses it!It's about how it smells first and foremost!We dont care how sexy Russel or Brad looks in the ad for it!

Whether they are written by an actual women or manginas, just about everything in men's magazines is from the perspective of women, given that it's all about how to please women, how to get them into bed, what to do with them when they're in there, etc. Never is there a nice honest article that says "Hey, fuck women. Or, rather, don't fuck them. Here's some useful advice on how to do something in your life that doesn't revolve around women. Oh, and here's a secret you might like to know; you're not the only man who buys his clothes from Debenhams instead of Hugo Boss!"

Another thing that pisses me off about Lad's Mags is the way they regard PC users as geeks. I don't really mind that to be honest; after all, what do I care that some spotty Media Studies graduate prick thinks I'm a "geek" because I spend most of my life sitting at my PC and can beat Quake 3's Xaero on Nightmare difficulty with my eyes closed? However what does annoy me is the way they hypocritically champion console games almost as much as they do beer 'n footie. In the same issue, these magazines will condemn PC gamers as nerds and losers who can't get a girlfriend, yet will offer exciting reviews of Playstation games and go on about the X-Box as if it was almost as great as having a threesome with two bisexual women whilst drinking beer. In a £95 Armani shirt.
I am not a PC Geek but it's about time those punks realised that PC geeks run the world around them and own it too!

To be fair there was one section of Loaded magazine that I did quite admire. It was an advice column titled something along the lines of "Dad Advice." It was a problem page whereby replies were given from a selection of fathers who weren't professional columnists, just real-life dads with real-life professions. There was "Spiritual Dad", who was a vicar, "Money Dad," an accountant, "DIY Dad," a carpenter, and so on. It was nice. Guys wrote in with problems and would receive advice from the appropriate dad.
Unfortunately with a magazine with that title dont expect too much of such in the future!

Otherwise, however, Loaded was (and, presumably, still is) all bollocks that, like it's fellow Lad's Mags, was designed solely to sell overpriced crap you didn't need by (a) informing you that your entire worth depends on how many women you can attract and fuck and (b) implying every man in the world is getting far more women that you do. I'm not a communist, I've nothing against people trying to sell you stuff, and given that humans can survive solely on oxygen, food and water, anyone selling anything other than oxygen, food and water has to manipulate your needs and appeal to your vanity somewhat. However, these magazines are blatantly using anxiety and shame on a vast scale to get you buy shit you don't need or want. In other words, to turn you into modern westernised women, whose self-worth is based on material goods.

These magazines do not offer any articles that are informative or worthwhile, with adverts catered to your demographic; they are simply advertising machines, crammed with ads interspersed with articles on how sad you are if you don't buy the shit in the ads in order to attract women.

I soon stopped buying them. Waste of time and money. I feel ashamed I even read them, although at least I learned a lesson from them.

Ponce around in a £95 Armani shirt? No thanks. An identical shirt from Debenhams for a tenner is good enough for me.

Kit out my bachelor pad with a groovy plasma screen television for £2,000? Nah, the big ol' telly my parents gave me when I left home still works. I only use it to watch DVDs of cheesy 80s action movies anyway.

Rate my worth on how many women I can bed? In other words, how many women I can talk into sleeping with me by pretending to match whatever 'ideal mate' image they carry in their stupid head at the time? I'd rather rate my worth on how many things I've accomplished that are actually worth accomplishing thankyouverymuch.

Use scruffing lotion, facial scrub, pre-shave moisteriser and post-shave moisteriser by Clinique? Sorry, but water + sponge + 85p bar of soap = clean enough face for me.

GQ? Fuck you.

Ah, a man who speaks from the heart!


Anonymous said...

What a wonderfully honest and rare article. U have a great talent.

Udi said...

daddy, what a way to score with the ladies. i should try that. yaani u have just gone and trashed me coz I am 6 pack drinking sexaholic. Now i have to think of quantum physics to try and vybe a mama. its going to be a long day

KenyanMusings said...



Prousette said...

*pitchfork behind my back and one hand invisible*
Once with an open mind tried to read them and gave up after two pages.

The.Hanyeé said...

Used to like the witty comments that FHM used to have on their random pic captions....lakini I also stopped reading them.

LOL @ Ron Jeremy! Maybe he can be a judge in the compe! All that experience can surely be used wisely :-)

Yeah, with time you do realize the vanity and shallowness that a lot of these mags propagate.

And anything with Ben Affleck aka NoTalentCantActLastBodieOfActing on its cover needs to be burnt! At the friggin stake a la Jeanne D'Arc BBQ style!

Great rant, boss!

mdkims said...

wonderful observation..i noted somethin of a similar kind in my blog....but yours just blows it all the way out...you have delivered it colder than a well-digger's posterior...way to go dude...

Stunuh Jay said...

Talk about being disillusioned, now trying being a chick and buy a chick magazine! Your range of variables is just mind boggling!

The Devious One said...

as an oboho would say - Umedinya point !!

*goes off to wash potty mouth*

mama mia said...

LOL@ "69 Fraud Street, Liarville, Bullshitshire"

Nice to know that not everyone buys into the whole hedonistic culture deal.

acolyte said...

@ anonymus
Well it is the writer of the article who has great talent, all I did was to comment on it.
@ udi
I am sure that you will come up with something at the end of the day!
@ KM
Hi backatcha!Thanks!
@ prou
You are a wise woman coz those mags arent worth your time!
@ the.hanyee
Well the caption competition was sawa but it got to a level where if you had read one mag you had read them all.They just brainwash you into spending spending spending!
@ mdkims
I have to give credit to the author he just said what I wanted to say!
@ stunuh
you do bring up a good point.You chics have problems in the magazine department!
@ devious one
@ mama mia
I think there are more of us who have come to the truth then the companies think!

Kenyangal said...

What about men's health? That magazine is really good, as its motto says "Tons of useful stuff" check up on it

spicebear said...

magazines in general are ful of crap. for example cosmopolitan sometimes has good features and campaigns like the need for breast examinations and skin cancer but apart from that its alot of useless stuff.

that is one hilarious article!

MOCHA! said...

Aki this post is so true! I will join the devious one on that oboho comment...kweli, umedinya point! LOL!

I wanted to see what the fuss was all about in those mags coz my bro kept pestering me for them.....lets just say, to date he has never received a copy from me. Ati I spend chums on P&P for that crap....wacha ikae.

I dunno about the American covers, but in the UK the covers have mamis with little or no clothes. Just to push the magazines off the shelves. It has become so unappealing mpaka a supermarket chain here has decided to cover them up or put them away from children's eye view...LOL!

acolyte said...

@ kenyangal
Men's health is a great exception!I am a great fan and the greatest edition is the SA one, in Kenya I had a colection running back 3 years!
@ spicebear
That is true once in a while they may have a good point but that is the exception.
@ mocha
At least you are keeping your bro on point!I must agree that those mags are even giving Playboy and Hustler competition nowadays!

Anonymous said...

Great read, but man what is up with the lame fucking music that comes on when you load your page? You do realize how much that sucks, right? What if I have other music playing? What if I'm trying to read the fucking articles! Come on, just because you CAN attach music to a page, doesn't mean it's a smart thing to do.

mudskippah said...

There are lots of people whose tastes and opinions and actions and so on are dictated by magazines and popular/mass culture. People keep joining herds.

acolyte said...

@ anonymus
Thank you for passing by!For your info I do like that song, but I do know that it needs to be changed.Plus if you dont like the music there is a stop button on the video player that you can use!I enjoy watching some videos and that's why I have them on my page!
@ mudskippah
Humans are social beings so it is only normal that they will make groups of like minded people under the same leader be it Oprah or the Pope!

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