Touched By The Finger......

Well unless you aren't Kenyan or live under a rock somewhere, you may be aware of the fire that is raging on the internets and on people's lips about. I'll save myself some keystrokes and post a video from K24 down here about the whole Esther Arunga and the Finger of God church. The story is on its own level, it could be made into a movie! You have the powers of good and evil, human sacrifice, human traffickers, a cult, accusations of brainwashing and other things. I'll let you watch the video to get the back story then I'll give my opinion.

So now we are all caught up on the gist of what went down. The plot only thickened when Esther Arunga decided to give a no holds barred interview with former CNN reporter Jeff Koinange. If you havent watched the series, I have linked to part 1 below.

Now come my series of hard questions and thoughts regarding this whole issue.

1. KTN Resignation - Maybe I missed it, but Esther didn't give a good reason why she left her job at KTN. I have known of people who have left promising jobs and careers in the name of the "ministry" only for many of these ministries to crash and burn and for them to be left with destroyed careers, burnt bridges and whole years of their lives wasted. I know a lawyer who did this and nowadays he is one of the most cynical and bitter people you can come across. If you read the Bible you will note many examples of God working through people in whatever professions they are in. Yes I agree that you can get the call to go into ministry but not everyone gets that call or is cut out for it.

2. Benny Hinn Spiritual Father - So in the news conference Joseph Hellon went ahead and claimed that Benny Hinn was his spiritual father and had been sending him tapes and sermon. There is only one spiritual father someone should have, God; nobody else! Other accounts had him saying that when he preaches it is Benny Hinn speaking, I have a name for that term; it's called channeling which in itself is not the most christian practices by any means. Then of course comes to most glaring thing, it seems all the "prophecies" he was getting were via e-mail which proved to be fake when Benny Hinn's ministries disowned him. So my question is, you call someone your spiritual father and have never spoken to him on phone or met him in the 7 years your relationship has existed?! That's either blind faith or stupidity? Why do I think that Quincy or someone else set up bennyhinn@hotmail.com and was emailing Hellon alongside ordering tapes and materials for him online?

3. Freemason this, Freemason that - Well as we saw via the K-24 interview Esther claims that Freemasons are out for her neck. It seems she is in possession of some hot information. She claims her ex-fiancee is one of them and a human traffiker to boot. Well my question is would a member of a secretive and illicit organisation leave information in the open for anyone to discover so easily? Also after a failed attempt on your life would a member from that organisation contact you and tell you they were trying to eliminate you? I'm not saying that Freemasons don't exist and they dont have gray area regarding what they do but on the other hand they won't make unearthing things about them very easy, after all they are several hundred years old. At the end of the day it just seems that Esther and co are just rustling the wrong feathers.

4. Cry for Help? - Is it me or did Esther several times during the interview on K24 seem to be hinting to Jeff to get her a job with the tv station? She recently quit your job with one tv station, I think the only reason she would be dropping such hints is somehow she now realizes the gravity of the decision she made by leaving her old job. Sadly I doubt she had anyone round her to sound off that decision with and ended up jumping before looking. Plus did anyone notice how riddled with contradictions her story is, did she leave her ex-fiancee because he was trying to get other women in church, or because he was a freemason. Also why would he want to "sacrifice" her if they were to get married? The sad thing though is that when someone is in a questionable church, it's like dealing with a drug addict, unless they can admit they have a problem they wont accept any help at all.

5. President Hellon? - If the announcement of a Presidential bid isn't a joke, then I don't know what is. From the Bible that I read, I dont know if Hellon reads the same one; but mine has a verse that says God is a God of order. I'm sorry but you aren't going to come in as a dark horse and run off with the Presidential election, I think he needs to aim low like counselor or something like that and then work his way up.

Okay all those organised questions aside, why the hell don't people read their bibles?! We wouldn't have half of these cult problems if people read their bibles, you would be shocked at how many people that call themselves Christians that don't read their bibles, I once quoted a verse from one of the smaller books in the bible, I think it was Habakkuk and this chic wanted to argue with me about not only the verse but the very existence of the book of Habakkuk. You should have seen the expression on her face when I showed her the book and the verse. Im not a Bible guru by any means but if you are a Christian then its your responsibility to strive to know the book backwards so that some schyster wont be in your face telling you how its God's will for you to give him all that you own and let him have sex with your wife.

While I'm putting people on blast, what is this hullabaloo about the fact that people in Hellon's church drink wine? There is nothing in the bible about not drinking, it's being drunk that's the problem. But what do holy rollers do? They rail against all alcohol, well if we are going to go against alcohol since it can make you get drunk, I suggest no eating. Why? Eating can lead to gluttony. I propose the same for sex too, no sex for Christians since it can lead to lust. It's this lack of control that lead to wonderful songs like the one below, that help you keep your Christian life on the straight and narrow.

With all that being said, do I approve of the arrest of Joseph Hellon and Esther Arunga? If it's for breaking the law ie being members of an unlawful society (as they were charged), all well and good; but if its for talking too much and shaking the wrong bushes? Not at all because funny enough people stop talking if you dont draw attention to what they are saying. Anyway I do plan to keep my eyes and ears open for other developments. Also to my Christian brethren, I've got love for most of you; just that some of you drive me up the wall!

Tagged.....

Mr Man Bag himself tagged me. So here goes

FOUR THINGS I’M PASSIONATE ABOUT

1. My Health - I'm not a gym buff or a health nut but I do like to take care of myself. So I don't eat junk food, go to the gym 4-5 times a week, drink alcohol once a week or less, don't use sugar, don't cook/eat red meat at home, take vitamin supplements, avoid canned foods, love fresh fruit and try to sleep at least 7 hours daily. But other than that I'm just like the rest of you.

2. Sci-fi/fantasy - I'm a certified nerd, my life just doesn't feel complete if I'm not indulging in any of the two at any given time.

3. News/Information - I love to know what's happening in the world and I love to learn. So it's nothing weird for me to read like 5 plus new sites every morning.

4. Black/African Empowerment - I think that there is so much better and further we can do as a people. So I feel strongly about issues that affect us directly.

FOUR WORDS OR PHRASES THAT I USE A LOT

1. Kumeharibika

2. Hmph - This is not a word per se but I use it when I chat online quite a bit.

3. Conyo - This is a spanish swear word

4. Kubaff - This one never grows old

FOUR THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE

1. Go sky diving - The experience of just being so far up in the sky is life changing to say the least.

2. To Choke Someone Out like in the vid below



Yes I'm a psycho, so sue me!

3. To take a year off everyday life and just travel the exotic parts of the world - The hum drum of everyday life terrifies me, and I would like to get out and about before I am boxed in with a marriage, mortgage and kids (shivers).

4. To do something that would earn me short term fame - Yes I'd like to enjoy the good life that comes with being famous and recognized just for a short time and then go back to being everyday me before it gets boring or goes to my head.


FOUR THINGS THAT I’VE LEARNT FROM THE PAST

1. Hurting People Hurt People - The more baggage and hurt someone is carrying from the past, the more likely the are to bring drama to your life. Call me harsh but I give such people a wide berth esp when it comes to relationships.

2. Common Sense Is Not Common - I look at the things that people do all the time, and this becomes clearer and clearer everyday.

3. If A Woman Asks You If She Is Hot Just Say Yes - Do not give an honest answer or attempt to rationalize the answer. Say Yes and smile, it shall save you alot of trouble.

4. Sex Just Isn't Worth The Trouble It Brings - Through my general observations and personal experiences, sex just brings too much drama to the table. Whether you are in a relationship or not, it just brings too many issues, abstinence is just so much more appealing.

There, I'm done!


I also came across this interesting meme that I decided to fill in. One word answers only!

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk

2. Your significant other? None

3. Your hair? long

4. Your mother? busy

5. Your father? deceased

6. Your favorite? fruit

7. Your dream last night? forgot

8. Your favorite drink? juice

9. Your dream/goal? Peace

10. What room you are in? Office

11. Your hobby? Internet

12. Your fear? Failure

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? successful

14. Where were you last night? Home

15. Something that you are not? Patient

16. Muffins? Nah

17. Wish list item? Money

18. Where you grew up? Nairobi

19. Last thing you did? Eat

20. What are you wearing? Skechers

21. Your TV? Dusty

22. Your pets? Imaginery

23. Friends? Few

24. Your life? Complicated

25. Your mood? Mellow

26. Missing someone? Nah

27. Car? Dirty

28. Something you're not wearing? Vest

29. Your favorite store? Publix

30. Your favorite color? black

33. When is the last time you laughed? Morning

34. Last time you cried? Eons

35. Who will resend this? Hmmmmmm

36. One place that I go to over and over? Bathroom

37. One person who texts me regularly? Pal

38. My favorite place to eat? Couch

39. My favorite food? Cantonese


I'm sharing them both with Gish, Sunnykay and Bomseh. Regular blogging shall resume soon!

Another Week Bites The Dust

Anyone who knows the Acolyte will tell you that in many ways he is child like. You see much as a child will play with a new toy every day and then one day toss it to the curb is how I am when it comes to a joke. I shall run it over in my head and laugh at it for days at the most inopportune moments.

A good case in point is a certain live performance by Keith Sweat. Here is the link, as usual he starts out by begging for the ass but it gets fun for me at the 7:45 mark when Akon makes a surprise appearance on stage. Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaay didn't Keith Sweat play his ass! You know those ones of 10 - 0,I bet he was walking off stage for real. I would if a whole stadium was laughing at me. The worst thing is that I remembered that segment of the song at work when the Head of our Department was dressing us down after a meeting, so while people are looking at the ground in fake remorse or looking at each other in fake confusion; I was there failing at stifling a grin. Good times! Sadly I'll give that incident a day or two and I won't find it funny anymore. But the girl on the table in the last post and the belly dancer still crack me up!

The video below is dedicated to Milo, Intel and Archer. Word on the street is that ya'll love the big gurls. Ducks missiles from the trio.



Sadly my 1 month of working a 4 day work week is over. No more 3 day weekends. I had become rather fond of having my end of week be on a Friday despite the longer work days I ended up having as a result. I just now want to shed the insomnia that for some reason I have gotten over the past week, I have been sleeping an average of only 4-5 hours per night. The funny thing though is that I am not that worn out but my mind does go on it's own tangents during the day.

Well today is Halloween aka Dress Like A Whore Day, other than my usual ceremonies done under the cover of darkness I won't be doing much of note. I'm way too old to trick or treat and I'm too broke to give the neighborhood kids any candy.

Have a nice weekend.........

Behold The Weekend Is Here!

Whenever I tell people that I am eccentric and that I have many interesting quirks they usually discount it until they meet me in person. I was just thinking of one of my quirks that I was sharing with a friend. It really turns my stomach when people use "da" instead of "the" ie da beat instead of the beat. I know it's meant to be cool and hip but whenever I hear that it sounds like nails on chalkboard to me. But no I do not speak in Ye Old English, I do use slang but irregardless "da" really bothers me.

In other news I think I am going through severe dog withdrawal, you see before I came out here I have always had a dog or dogs. So coming out here and not having a pet would get to me sooner or later, me getting a dog of my own is out of the question. I don't think it would be fair to coop up a dog in an apartment the whole day while I'm at work, at least in Kenya they could run around in your compound when you were gone. So I have come up with a solution, I am going to start dating a woman who has a dog, preferably a gold labrador retriever with a friendly disposition. I can see some of you scowling, at least I'm not planning on using her for sex. This would be a beneficial relationship for the three of us; me, her and rover. I think I should begin drafting my must have a dog personal ad right now, wish me luck!

I was reading this article in a scientific journal that posed the theory that, it is not that we forget things over time, it's just that we are unable to recall them. I've noticed that even though I forget alot of things like everyone else, in my mind I tend to like alot of things and that helps me recall somethings I was never even thinking about in the first place. I was online and I saw a picture of a comic called Secret Six, the next thought that came in mind was Secret Seven and after that the next thing I remembered was the name of the author of the Secret Seven, Enid Blyton. I was not a big fan of her books but I do remember that in primary school the library had quite a few of her books for the younger students. I guess the big lesson here is that if you want to remember something easily, associate something with it so recall will become a whole lot easier. Thats my PSA message for today.

I have decided to take a break from highlighting fashion disasters to instead sharing some funny cartoons I found online.






The cartoon above is funny to me because many techno songs are actually that repetitive! If you have the first 30 secs you have the whole song! Have a nice weekend people!

Behold, Hump Day Is Upon Us!!!!!!!!!!

I was reading this article about restaurant cleanliness and it gave me some interesting memories about Kenya. I remember in Kenya we did have health inspectors but how much inspecting they did was debatable. I do know for a fact that they did used to inspect the 5 star joints more often than not plus the 5 star Restaurants to keep themselves in good books internationally used to impose their own standards. But of course when it came to the good old 1 star joints this was another story altogether.
I once recall going for some nyama choma at a joint and some zealous health inspectors came in ready for the inspection. Well what the proprietor of the joint did was to crack a few jokes with the inspectors and since it was around lunch time, had some ribs roasted for the inspectors, sat down with them, chatted and sent them away with some money and meat for their trouble. That was that year's inspection dealt with.
How we used to escape major food poisoning always made me wonder, I guess our stomachs adapted over time.

I found this video online and thought I had to share it esp since over the years I always made jokes about how cosmo never missed an article about how to please your man; I always thought by now they would have run out of methods of doing so.



Anyone who lives in the States is more than aware about how serious child molesting is taken out here. So much so that when a sex offender is let out of prison, they have to register with their local police station wherever they go to live. This information is then made public for the people who live in those areas on sites like this.
That of course is a great tool but there are a few things to consider; children are molested more often than not by people they know, family members, teachers, clergy etc. So there should be a system parents set up to monitor those people too. Second, why should registration end with sex offenders. I think paroled murderers, violent robbers, arsonists, con-men, people with mental illnesses that lead to episodes of violence and drug dealers among others should also be put into a National database for our own safety. Now discuss that issue in 100o words or less in the comments section, thank you.

I know some of you are now drooling waiting for the "You Shoulda Stayed Home" picture segment. Well I must apologize and say that one you have to wait next week for, but you know me; I always have something tasteless to share. Like I always say, this isn't the place to come for high society discussion and that kind of thing. Yes once in a while I do make pretensions to intellect and lofty ideals but on other days, I just want to share what's on the street. Anyway moving on.....




A classic






I think some men out there need to see this one so do share..



Yes I know I'll burn in hell for this one



Funny thing is that I have eaten there before and their burgers weren't half bad....



Now we know....



Funny for all the wrong reasons...



If you don't know the joke then it doesn't make sense but still those boys are going to burn......

Well sadly it's now back to the real world where work and responsibility await. To be a kid again......

Monday Moanings Part XV

I want to introduce you to a new phrase which is, f*cking below the line. F*cking below the line was a term used in a Mario Puzo book I read sometime to mean screwing someone who is below your station in life; this could be social, financial etc. I had been thinking of this post for a while but Archer's last post spurred me to action. You see whether you like it or not, most if not all of us who have indulged in sexual activities have screwed below the line. The worst thing with screwing below the line is that often there is a small alarm bell that is ringing in our head that is telling us to STAY AWAY! But due to being on the B train for so long or sheer lust, the ringing is ignored and kungulu (I hear that's what peeps call shag in Kenya nowadays) commences.

Screwing below the line seems fun and easy because look at it this way to the individual here forth referred to as the screwee, you are a hot commodity. So the screwer will have an easy time getting with the screwee. But the problem comes when the screwer wants to leave the screwee and return to their regular group, the screwee makes it as hard as possible and refuses to let go and may resort to all sorts of drama to keep the screwer.

How do you know if you are f*cking below the line?

1. Is your partner someone you would ordinary be seen in public with?

2. Do you avoid introducing your new partner to your regular friends and crew?

3. Does your partner talk about a future for the two of you and when they do, do you find yourself shuddering?

4. Do you find yourself side stepping the question when your new partner talks about you two being together?

5. Even when you are with this new partner and are spending time, are you still listed as single on facebook and myspace or whatever other social networking site you use?

If you can answer YES to more than one of those questions then know you are most def screwing below the line. Oh and just to toss in a twist, if the person you are with is displaying the same behavior either they are commitment phobic or they scraped the barrel with you; whichever way it is you are screwed!

What I find funny though is how due to the wonderful mechanics of the human mind is that after deluding oneself for a while sooner or later a moment of clarity comes to the fore and someone realises they are screwing below the line. This may be mid hump, when they wake up one morning and see the person next to them or in the middle of the occasional date. I say occasional because for some reason or other people don't go out for dates very often with their screwees, unless the screwee applies pressure.

Now after the moment of clarity getting out of the situation tends to be tricky because many screwee's don't let go easily. I remember one who once argued her way out of the break up, yes that is how insistent she was; she had a counter point for every point I had for not dating her. Yes my fully laid plans were thwarted for a while.After her insistent pressure I decided to take advantage of some information she knew about me, you she did know that the Acolyte is a somewhat spiritual being; so I did what any spiritual man would do. I told her that I had taken a vow of singlehood and celibacy, which was somewhat true because I was just tired of all the drama that comes with strokes. That and me going underground finally took the pressure off me because she kept on insisting that she wanted to come and see me (last ditch seduction attempt). My solution, if the shag seems to easy; think twice. Plus make sure you are not someone's screwee!

Anyway since I have been staying out of trouble, I have been having a ball looking at pic's of peeps acting the fool in the club. I'm going to share them. Please feel free to add your own captions!



My question is, what is the lady woman in the far right doing? The expression on her face.....



Yaaaaaaaaay! Guess who's here to save the night.....



Shaun at the far left decided he may as well jerk off in the club instead of waiting to get home..



If she stand still enough for long enough she can blend in the same way the Zebra whose pants she stole blends into the savannah



Archer: Natukifika kwa rodging, nitakuinua juu hivi, harafu.......



Milo: Dear Mocha, you can even see I'm on my knees. I promise all I want you to do is have a cup of juice at my place after the club; nothing else
Archer: Wachana with his siasa. I have a new couch I bought today that I want you to come to my apartment and sit on!
Mocha: Blushes away....

Have a great Monday People!

Yet Another Day...........

The blogger's block continues, I'm sitting in front of the text box and nothing is coming to mind. Well the fountain had to stop flowing at one point in time. But meek meek tagged me with an 8 things meme. I usually don't do these but thought I would indulge them this time round.

8 Things That I Am Passionate About

1. Kenya
2. Soccer
3. Learning New Things
4. Mixed Martial Arts
5. Financial Independence
6. African Issues
7. Eastern Philosophy/ Religion
8. Healthy Living


8 Things I Would Like To Do Before I Die

1. Sky Dive
2. Deep Sea Dive
3. Have A 3some
4. Set Up A Successful Non Profit In Kenya
5. Make At Least $1,000,000
6. Kick someone hard in the ribs when they are down
7. Travel Around The World
8. Get some tattoos

8 Things I Say Alot

1. As long as it works for you
2. Kumeharibika
3. Things are narrow
4. That's your opinion
5. That's what I think but you can correct me if I'm wrong
6. Hodi
7. Pole
8. Ehe

8 Books I have Read Lately (still reading some of them)

1. Trading Options For Dummies
2. Technical Analysis Plain and Simple
3. Profit With Options (Essential Methods For Trading Success)
4. Auto Repair For Dummies
5. The Game
6. Heal Thyself for health and Longevity
7. The 8 Human Talents
8. Dreads

8 Movies I have Seen 8 Times (some I havent made to 8 times)

1. The Devil's Advocate
2. The Usual Suspects
3. The Matrix
4. Hard Boiled
5. 300
6. Enter The Dragon
7. Hero
8. The Lord Of The Rings (All 3)

3 People Who Should Do This

Archer
Mocha
Bomseh


I was reading this article about a Naijo dude getting his wife and property jacked from him by his wife and an MP (people say its Hon Raphael Wanjala). Much as I am not a supporter of property theft, the revelation that the Nigerian's Kenyan wife of 10 years is 24 made me sympathise with him much less. How in the hell do you marry or court a girl who is 14 years old?! You have just stolen the girl's teenage years when she is meant to be growing up. Now wonder she went buckwild and decided to share their property with Hon Wanjala. I guess Karma can bite you when you least expect it.

Now another blithering idiot out there decides to shine an unwelcome light on Kenyans in the diaspora. I know the rule of law is innocent till proven guilty, so I shall let you read and come up with your own opinions.

Now let me ask a question to you rugby fans out there. Capital FM seem to be having some sort of competition on radio where people can win tickets for singing various rugby chants. One thing I have noticed is that the chants pretty much haven't changed from when I was in high school, and that was a long time back; people are still singing "Eloya" and other similar songs. My question is, aren't there any new chants coming up or do people lack innovation and motivation? It kind of reminds me of how I used to go for Rock at Carnivore on Wednesdays and hear the same songs over and over and over. I wouldn't have been shocked if the DJ had a mix tape at that point and would play it while hanging out with the club goers.

I had to share this interesting image below. This is the back of a courtesy bus that goes to a popular high end shopping district in Atlanta. Now my question is, if you get on the bus does the girl give you a free ride? And if she gets on top does she charge you $12.90? I'll see if I can catch that bus this weekend and give you an update. Nice weekend people!

Johny, be a John, Joy and Other Things

Little Johnny jokes have always cracked me up and that letter up there is on a level of it's own!

I was sent this sometime back on the net and if a name says alot about you, I guess this chica's name says everything we need to know. I wonder if she has a pal called Kuro?




Oh lest I forget, I have to congratulate all Man U fans out there! At the end of the day Man U's experience came out on top of Chelsea's billions. Now onto the season break and the transfer market. I guess we'll have to count on Olympic soccer to keep us going till the 2008 - 2009 season begins.


I came across this spoof vid of T-pain and Akon, enjoy!

I hear that Nelson Mandela is having major birthday celebrations soon and one of the invited performers is Will Smith. I was like WTF?! What on earth is Will Smith going to perform for Mandela?! Parents don't understand? Miami? Or maybe the Fresh Price theme song. I hope that was a mistake by whoever announced it and that he's just going to be a host.

Talking about S. Africa, for any bloggers out there ie Bomseh and those of you who have friends and relatives out there; I am hoping and praying that things settle down soon for their sake. I guess the Rainbow nation has now turned into a nation of storms.

Coming soon: You People Part II........

Yet Another Week III

Well since one of our fave M-net Idols outed himself on CNN, I nowfeel free to comment. I have heard that gay men are supposed to have some sense of style but we know those are stereotypes, thanks to Jackson showing up on CNN and M-net Idols (see last Monday's post), in the same scarf and two polo shirts that look so much alike (and are clashing with his fave scarf). Also dude is tripping if he thinks he is going to be living in gay dreamland when he gets to America. He has the perfect trifecta going for him; black, gay and foreign. By the way, as far as I know those camp couselor jobs are seasonal; you go for summer and supposed to go back to your country. So I hope he has a good plan B or his asylum papers ready and even so the Bush government has a poor record in granting asylum requests; wonder why you don't see too many Iraqi refugees around here don't you?

Oh and in the CNN video, is it just me or does the girl who comments 1:26 mins look erm what's the word... developmentally handicapped or for laymen, slow. Then the next chic says " I don't think gay men should have their rights," well if she means that only hot lesbians should have rights; then we agree! Anyway on a serious note it's good to see that the LGBT in Kenya can even have an organisation registered. What I tell people is that even the States is a good example, you can legislate tolerance but you can't legislate acceptance; some things take time.

And in other news, I now know where to go to look for a wife; here I come Namanga! Before I leave, I thought that I had to share this important music video. Women out there need to know the truth what with all this crap in novels and movies about making love all night. Do you know how sore you would be if you shagged for not even 8 hours, lets say 4 hours straight. Making sweet love all night my ass, the person who wrote that song lyric needs to be shot. Anyway here's the video below.......



Anyhow ya'll have a nice Monday!

Monday Moanings Part XII

Yesterday I was in what I like to call ICU, no there is nothing wrong with me nor have I been in an accident. But I was in one of those conditions where the only thing I'm good for is laying in my bed like an ICU patient. You see I decided to go shopping for gyms last week, so in American fashion before telling you how much they are going to ass rape you for 24-36 months they ask you to come in for a free session. With the first gym I went to on Friday evening, just after I get changed I was told that I would be charged a $20 equipment fee for that class but if I decided to enrol that would go to my enrollment fee. Needless to say I wasn't pleased, plus even though they had nice stuff the gym itself wasnt much to write home about. So after the 2 hour session ( during which I found out how unfit I was ) the dude breaks out the cost for me and needless to say I smiled told him I would think about it and didn't look back, because this place isn't like Kenya; everyone wants to lock you down for 2 years at least.
So the next day I had signed up for a session at another gym (one that I had postponed twice in a row), this place is one of those franchises so their facilities were top notch. I did my free session (which rocked) and when it came to the costs, you know how people are here. They don't tell you up front, they try and butter you up by telling all the wonderful things their gym has and all that kinda ish. So I ask the dude to hit me with it, and he has two plans, one for 24 months and the other for 36 months. So as it goes with the 36 month plan is like $10 per month cheaper but I wasn't having none of that. You see other than my cell phone contract, I only sign up for one year contracts; nutting else! So I ask him if there is a one year contract available which is also cheaper per month, he tells me yes but only for students. Well guess what? Since the Acolyte always walks around with his student I.D, he's a student! So I signed up my soul for one year and one year only.
Anyway back to ICU by Saturday afternoon my legs were feeling like they were made of rubber and the rest of me was really run down but guess what, the rest of the fam wanted to hang out so they decided we go for an Ice Hockey game. Yes an Ice Hockey game, I think it was the curiosity and the cheap tickets that motivated them. Ice Hockey games aren't all that interesting, yes there is the fast pace of the game and the slamming of players into the walls but other than that I dont see much else to go back to see a game for. Oh and I did learn that all the Georgia teams suck because the ice hockey team lost the game.
Anyway word of the day is that if you haven't been to the gym for sometime, please don't go 2 days in a row!

Wahu decided to release the third (maybe 4th) track from her constantly upcoming album (okay for real I dont even think she has an album coming despite what she says). I know this is going to make some of you mad but after listening to her new track, I felt like someone had taken a large dump in my ears. The song was rubbish, no progress at all from her last track and instantly forgettable. Why some people bother going to the studio I don't even know.

I have also realized that some local Kenyan personalities have their stans. Do you know I still get comments on this post, many of them telling me to leave Lillian Muli alone same case with the latest post about Kaz and her pics. Damn ya'll are cracking me up, do you all have posters and newspaper cut outs of her plastered all over your walls?

Stans aside, this comment below from one of my favorite Liverpool FC fan sites made my day. It's amazing how the dude wove a life event round a game......

"Rotation Rotation Rotation. Rafa cant win. some people are still bitching and whinging that the same team that beat besiktas shouldnt have started against fulham. “why didnt kewell start” “why wasnt riise benched”, blah blah blah! I think some people just like to argue no matter what happens.

i really dont see a massive problem with rotation. Bringing players on as subsititutes is a form of rotation. the same 11 players dont finish the games that started the game when a sub is bought on. the same 3 substitutes are rarely bought on every game, so why isnt that considered rotation???

i thought game was descent. one word descibes it for me, Clinical. we never really got out of second gear and we never really needed too. i think the game plan was the same as the blackburn match, but this time we had abit of luck on our side and didnt have freidel pulling saving out of his arse..although having said that, niemi came up with a good few saves.

ive been thinking for a while and decided on saturday that i was going to break up with my girlfriend on sunday or monday, but as we got into bed last night at about 4am (saturday night/sunday morning)after a boozy night, she asked me “do you still want to be with me”…i suddenly thought that the liverpool game was about to kick off and seeming as i was gonna do it anyway, i might as well do it now and then catch the game. so i told her i didnt think things between us were working anymore, and off i staggered home to watch my one true love, Liverpool FC. I feel like a right prick for doing that, but as i say, at least i got to catch the game. this is the 2nd LFC related breakup ive had over the years.

anyways, im off for a kip. been a long night."

Otherwise I think I have said more than enough today. Happy Monday people!

Some People............

My life is boring as watching paint dry but at least there is some action coming from home..........

There is this chic pal of my small sis, I'll call her J. You see J is a chic who is kinda rough around the edges, you know the kind of chic who is loud, doesnt hesitate to get into a fight, loves to drink and such. Anyway J works with my sis but a month or so left to go to Kenya on hols, so we decided to send her with some stuff to give my mum. My mum knows J, they met when my mum last visited us here and when they met J was on her best behaviour so my mum pretty much didnt mind her. But during the visit to Kenya the worm turned......

Like I said earlier, we had sent J with some things to give my mum; so he went to visit her. When she went it seems that she had left her good behaviour script at home. This is because when she went there it seems that she had one or two for the road and was very loud at the time. Oh she had come with her brothers who were driving her around, so she was also talking to them telling them who my mum was and how she knew her. What got to me is the way she had the nerve to blab how I'm going to get a major job and ish, yes I told her that I was job hunting; but I didnt ask her to go around spraying my business all over the damn place. This is the same chic who when she was here was complaining about how Kenyans are always in other people's business and can't shut up. Anyway here comes the icing on the cake, the chic brings up some long story about how they have to go see their mum in shags and how the car they have is someone else's and beg my mum for her car.

So against her misgivings my mum hooks them up and tells them to bring it back by Sunday evening for servicing. No they didn't have an accident but she brought the car back one day late and it was smelling of cigarette smoke. Of course my mum really told her off, but for real; this was the chic who was always telling us about the ballers she knew in Kenya. Why couldn't she borrow one of their cars instead of borrowing my mum's car when she barely knows her and even worse bring it back late and smelling? The candles on the cake? After being told off and her "apologising", she has the bottle to tell my mum that they should get together and catch some pints. I was like wtf?! Even looking at my mum you would tell that she doesn't drink, my mum has no problem with other people drinking, she'll even buy you a beer but the only thing she ever drinks is the occasional Guinness ( she says it is good for iron) and those concoctions with brandy for your chest when you have a cold. Besides anyone who grew up in Kenya knew that older folk were the ones who would invite you to drink with them if they deemed you mature enough and not for you to take you ass there offering beers.

Needless to say after that turn of events my small sis was sent e-mails telling her to put that chic at arms' length and when my sis called home after the usual niceties, she was given a long lecture about that because irregardless of those actions my mum also told my sis she just has a bad feeling about her. And you know about womens' intuition, it only gets better when women get older. So I guess in my case that is one less person to call a friend, and I guess she embodies the saying, " You can fake style, but you can't fake class."

Moving onto more uplifting issues. For some reason my eyes were fixed on one section of this picture. I'm sure you don't have to guess.....



pic courtesy of C&D

Regular programming will resume as soon as regular life resumes

A Night To Remember and More V-Power...

Before the spectre of time fades away with the memories of my youth I have decided to share as many tales of past adventures as possible. So here goes.....

In a land far far away, there was this young lad called Chris and he had a friend called Mike and another one called John. They were a generic group of dudes who would do regular things like watching soccer games, going to the gym once in a while, drinking, clubbing and of course chasing women.


Anyway one day Mike decides one night to pick up Chris and John so they can go and paint the town red. When he meets them at the local they notice that he has a cute looking young lady with him, you see Mike liked his girls when they had just come of age before they acquired what he called "mileage."


Chris and John were used to this, so after they were introduced to Janet, they gave her a hearty welcome and continued to partake of the cheap beer at the local bar. They knew that they would get their chance to swoop in and scoop their own prey much like eagles swoop in unattended chicks in the open plains of Ukambani when they got to the expensive lounge they were going to in Westlands. In typical Kenyan fashion no-one was carded as drinks were being served and even the driver himself had a drink or two. After a few ribald tales were exchanged and jokes cracked they motley crew hopped into Mike's souped up Toyota Camry and made their way to the happening joint at the moment that was located in Central Westlands.


On exiting the car and entering the lounge, the bouncer wanted to see Janet's I.D but a 100/= note slipped into his hand seemed to distract him rather fast and they were ushered into the club. Once in the lounge the time seemed to fly as they sat at their own table, the two amigos left the happy couple canoodling as they did their lap of honor, catching up with old friends, making new friends and following up on earlier agendas.


John and Chris's plan was about to bear fruit as could be evinced by how captivated the two girls they had met at the club were with their tales and jokes they were cracking but a spanner was thrown in the gears when Mike whispered to them that they had to go. It seems that Janet was not supposed to be out at that ungodly hour. John and Chris grumbled but they remembered the old saying, bros before....; so they got hold of the girls' cell phone numbers and promised to follow up on what had began that night. They piled into the car and despite Janet's urgency, a visit to their favourite all night eatery Big City was a must; when they got there they indulged in their regular meal of somersaulting chicken (that was their nick name for rotisserie chicken since it rotated on the grill like a gymnast on the bar) and french fries. After eating to their fill, Mike sped up the highway into the leafy suburbs of Lavington where Janet lived. Mike stopped the car outside the gate of large mansion and dimmed his lights and began to exchange sweet nothings while Chris and John snoozed in the backseat of the car. The two of them were shocked out of their beer drenched dreams by a shrill voice saying, "You think I wouldn't catch up with you Janet?!"



It seemed that Janet's mother had noticed that she was not home and had decided to camp in the watchman's cubicle that was beside the gate. When she heard a car pull into the drive way, she snuck out of the side gate to see if it was Janet. Mike and Janet were so caught up in their moment that they did not notice Janet's mum's hand reaching into the open driver's window and pull the keys out of the ignition and stuff them into her nightgown pocket.



John and Chris woke up to find the couple outside the car being lectured by Janet's mother. Janet's mother lamented her daughter's descent into immorality and pulled her cell phone from her pocket and said she was going to call her husband from the main house so he could deal with them. Mike knew that Janet's father was a prominent man in society and he wasn't ready to find out what he would use his considerable connections to do to him. Before Janet's mum knew what was happening Mike had grabbed his car keys out of her pocket, jumped into the car and drove away. Everyone else who remained was in a state of shock over the current state of events. It took a second for what had happened to compute in Chris's mind but when it did he decided to do the next best thing; he ran after the car. John took cue and ran after him, Janet was seeing how she was going to face the music on her own so she pulled up the hem of her already brief skirt took off her high heels and ran after the two of them leaving Mama Janet shouting in their wake. After running round the corner of the street for a few hundred feet, half freezing, half drunk and in a state of mental chaos they found Mike sitting on his car bonnet laughing at them. Chris and John chided Mike for not telling them about plan B, but seeing as they were good friends they didn't let their unexpected drama spoil the night for them. Janet seemed worried but Mike sweet talked her and she was soon in high spirits, the got into the car and drove towards Nairobi West where they resumed drinking at one of their regular all night bars.
Post script: After one week at his apartment, Mike convinced Janet to go back home; she went back home and after her parents got over their worry they grounded her for 3 months. Of course this was futile because after 1 month she found other ways of sneaking out of the house to indulge in her new passion for clubbing.
Any resemblance to people or events in the life Acolyte are purely coincidental and unintentional!

NOT SAFE FOR WORK VIDEO (ADULT LANGUAGE) ..........


If you can't view this video either youtube took it down or you have to log in to watch it, if that has become the case by the time I post this I shall edit the post.
Alexyss Tylor is on a level of her own! Just look at the care free way she handles those dildos as she tells her story! How she can relate the story of the 3 wise men to being shagged up the ass is just amazing to say the least! Seems Alexyss also listens to Snoop Dogg because she just used a variation of a line used in the song 'Baby Boy'; young, dum and full of cum. I still maintain the opinion that this mama was on the end of some superstar d*ck coz she just seems like she hasn't let it go! Nothing beats a hard dreary day at the office like a video like this that makes you laugh and think at the same time. At least she had the sense not to have her mum in this video. I think instead of the vagina monologues we should have the Tylor Monologues, why don't we buy her an airplane ticket and have her perfom at the Carnivore, Phoenix Theater and KICC so as to enlighten African women?
Anyway I think I have said enough, Thank God I have the day off! Let the job hunt begin!

Hadithi, hadithi..........

What is a week without a wonderful Acolyte tale of love and passion?
There was this American girl (let's call her Jenny), who went to Kenya last year to do volunteer work. After working and enjoying Kenya for one year, she decided to invite her father to come over and revel in the beauty of Kenya. Her father flew in, they spent time together travelling and exploring the various sites. During one of his jaunts her father (let's call him Mr Smith), befriended a young girl called Wanja on the bus back to the city. Whenever his daughter was too busy with her volunteer work to spend time with him, Wanja would show Mr Smith around town town. Over time they ended up spending alot of time together and due to the gratitude Mr Smith felt towards Wanja's benevolence he would take her out once in a while and buy her a small gift here and there. The two of them became close to the point of Wanja inviting Mr Smith to her house and cooking him different indigenous Kenyan dishes.

With all the time the two of them were spending together Mr Smith began to compare Wanja to his wife of 20 years, and compared to Wanja's beautiful ebony skin, deep brown eyes, perky breasts and luscious hips Mrs Smith's with her pasty white skin, flabby bosom and poor cooking were found extremely wanting. From sampling Kenyan dinner dishes like mukimu and githeri Mr Smith graduated to breakfast dishes like njahis and uji among others.

Jenny hadn't seen her father in a month and when she got in touch with him, he told her that he was on an expedition to Tanzania but little did she know that love was being brewed in an African pot (so sue me! I have always wanted to use that phrase!). The only thing that put a damper on Mr Smith's fun was the fact that he had only budgeted to stay in Kenya for a month and not three months and neither had he budgeted paying Wanja's rent, utilities, buying her gifts, paying her brother's school fees among other expenses. He moved out of his hotel room and moved into Wanja's 2 bed room extension in South C. It was not as sumptious and the Landmark but since he was with his beloved he didn't mind one bit.

At this same time Mrs Smith got in touch with her daughter and expressed her concern and shock about Mr Smith not coming back Stateside or keeping in touch after the first month he went to Africa only to call her and say that he had found someone else and was going to be starting a new life. Jenny was frantic and went into denial when she head that, that was not the same father she knew and loved. She rushed to the Landmark hotel to look for her dad only to be told that he had left with his girlfriend. When she heard the word "girlfriend" Jenny's blood turned cold. She had stopped texting and calling her dad on his Kenyan cell phone number a few weeks back when he told her he was leaving, conveniently it seemed that his "departure" was the same time she had to travel to Northern Kenya to do some volunteer work, so she couldn't see him off but that was all old news now. The phone rang for what seemed to be hours and went straight to voice mail where Jenny left her dad a message imploring him to call her and expressing how worried she was.

Meanwhile one week passed and Mr Smith's paradise began to sour as he opened a Pandora's box by telling Wanja that he was running out of money and wanted to try and find a job so they could stay together and start a new life. Wanja's sunny demeanour turned stormy almost overnight. She appeared less and less enamoured with him, his physical advances were nipped in the bud before they began and she didn't even want to hear his stories anymore. After one week of being ignored he decided to take his luggage and go see Jenny. After being man handled in the local matatus since he was too broke to take a taxi, he finally found himself at Jenny's apartment. Jenny let him and he could see the mixture of betrayal, pity, relief and anger on her face. He narrated his situation, of course manipulating it in a way to seem like he was seduced by Wanja and how broke he was. Since he still had his ticket, Wanja had almost talked him into selling it but he had procrastinated so long that she stopped bothering him about it, so what he needed was enough money for the local flight within the States to get back home. Jenny gave him the extra money that he needed for his flight and took him to the airport. A few days later she called to talk to her heartbroken yet angry mother who was still debating whether to take her grovelling husband back or not after his dalliances with what she called his nubian whores and how the word Kenya just burns a hole in her stomach; at that point in time Jenny didn't have the guts to tell her mother that she was dating a wonderful Kenyan man.
A true story as narrated to a close source of The Acolyte.

In other news, BET decided they were going to make this show based on the premise of this website that takes a tongue in cheek look at the failings of black people as a community in America. Of course the PC crowd weren't having that and amidst protests sponsors have began to pull out. It's said that the show may be showing this (not safe for work!) clip, if so it's going to be like a car crash, you shouldn't be looking but you can't help yourself. But for real, I hope that show doesn't see the light of day, black people have enough to worry about without more one sided depraved potrayals.

I think this is the lowest level of depravity one can get to. I'm not justifying hacking up of adults but when you start killing kids, I have no pity when the police shoot to kill and not to maim members of that gang.

Other than that I have a friend who is moving into her first apartment in a week or two. Any good gift ideas that won't break the bank? Ideas would be most welcome! I was reading The pulse online and this is one of their few articles that hits the nail on the head! Whatever anyone tells you, the States is a very harsh market for musicians be they African, Asian or European. It's a very very competitive market even for Americans themselves and few suceed, I'm not saying it can't be done but if you are going to take the plunge; plan long and plan hard.

I think I have said a bit more than I usually do, nice weekend people!
Ps: Dear psycho one and psycho two, this isn't the place for your tirades that run several pages long. Keep it in the nut house; Thanks you!

Idle Musings 2

I was on the BBC website and it was good to see Mzalendo getting some positive and well written press once again. Kenyan press hardly ever seems to get stories about Mzalendo right if the ones I have read online via the two big dailies are an indication.

Much to 'tato's chagrin, I watched 300 before he did. All I have to say is that the movie is a sheer masterpiece and a feast for the eyes. It is a good lesson in what happens when movies stay true to their roots, be it a book or a comic; without letting Hollywood directors add their usual cliches into the movie. The Director of 300 actually modelled quite a few scenes of the movie from Frank Miller's comic book. For those of you who are curious enough, here is a copy of Frank Millers 300 comic book and you can see how it was transmuted to film. You need Comic Book Reader to read it, tell me what you think!

Before I bounce for the weekend, I just thought I would share this video from Martin before the show became really crappy. This was the episode where Martin and his girlfriend Gina decided not to have sex for a week so as to prove to themselves that their relationship was based on more than just sex. In the opening scene of this video Martin goes to bed with an ice pack so as to cool down his hard on so he doesnt think of sex, the first time I saw this on tv, my mum walked in and asked what was wrong with Martin. I didn't want to tell her the whole story so I told her that Martin had an injury he was cooling with the ice pack. Gina's "jogging suit" made my day! And don't forget the crotch convulsions! Line that I have to use one day, "We both love sex, so how is there no damn love?!" To my brother bloggers out there....Keep the lie alive!!!!!!!!!!!

Genies ,Ginormus Girls and Germs

I was reading this article about the Coast and it cracked me up! The city that genies built. I recall hearing many of those geenie stories, so much so that when I was about to have my way with some girl I met the last time I was there; I sprinkled a whole bottle of Holy Water on her just to see what would happen. Sadly she screeched like a banshee and turned into dust. It was another holiday on the Bilaz train. Anyway on a serious note, I do think that alot of these tales are just that tales. Because the Coast does suffer from crime despite genies influence, but on the other hand some of these things could have happened. Why do I say that? I don't think you can the existance of only "godly" without the existance of that which could be called "ungodly." Now if only I could get one of dem genies to make me $$ so I don't have to work a 9-5?

I think I have just found the right girls for Milo's threesome! Yes the big girls are back for part 3 of The Erection Destruction Series! Yee haw!


Anyway I have fallen victim to some flu germs (or at least that is what I think they are) so let me go hibernate for a day or two, any longer and I may turn into a butterfly. Let the healing begin!

Drama Post Part 5

Mary walked the two blocks to the library in a huff. "How dare that boy disrespect me like that?" she said to herself not caring if anyone heard here. How he could treat her like that despite what they had been through was the thought that ate away at her. She walked into the library building and found the part of the building where the books were being kept was being roped off for the night. She remembered that the lower part of the building where the computer lab was housed was open 24 hrs a day was always open. She walked towards it and sat down on the nearest wooden chair she could find, propping her feet on another chair for support. If she had taken the time to roam further into the room she would have realised that she had just walked by a few comfortable couches that been far more sleep friendly.

As the next day came. Kamau woke up feeling rejuvenated, he took his toiletries and towel and went and took a long hot shower. This was the life, he thought to himself; the days of heating water on the paraffin stove for a shower were now over. After showering and freshening up, he then put on his favorite red corduroys and brown shirt with brown leather boots to match, now that he was a student again he could loosen up when it came to fashion, he thought as he preened himself in the mirror. Oduori at this time had also stepped out of the bathroom wearing his long white night gown and smelling of expensive cologne, he looked at Kamau, shook his head and went into his room.

Meanwhile Kendi had had a night and a half. She had only attended the party to get something from Muriungi. Sadly for her, he had taken an extreme liking to her and wasn't going to help her for nothing. He was her only hope if she was to be able to solve her school issues and time was running out. Her cousin had left her with him as she went to get cozy with the someone she had had her eye on for sometime. The night had moved agonisingly slow as she had to put up with his boring conversation, sexual innuendo and uncontrollable hands. As the night wore on the house party crowd thinned leaving only the hard core drinkers (conscious and unconscious), those engaging in the precursors to carnal activities and the two of them. Kendi found herself being corralled by Muriungi into an empty room. She protested, telling him they should just remain in the living room; but she knew that if she protested too hard she wouldn't get what she wanted from him, so she played along. They entered the empty room with one of Muriungi's hands around her waist and the other holding his Heineken beer. "Just sit on the bed, I won't bite he told her, " but the leering grin on his face said something else.

"Damn this place is far!" Carol exclaimed as she had driven for almost one hour from ATL and was still on the interstate, still several exits away from the exit to the 'ville. But it was all worth it, she thought to herself. It would be good for her to see her boyfriend Oduori, although the term boyfriend may not have applied a few months back; Thank God Oduori didn't have close friends in the city she lived in. But she now vowed that she was done with the Kenyan men who had been in the States too long, she couldn't take the drama and the drinking that was part and parcel of most of them. She took a sneak peek at herself in the rear view mirror and was pleased with how good her new weave looked,
"Beyonce, step back!" she said to herself and laughed. Her stunning face, hypnotic cleavage and traffic stopping rear had made her receive enough unwanted attention during her time in the States, from up tight white boys, brothers in the hood, persistent West African brodas to Kenyans; they all wanted a piece of her. But they all fell short in the end end always reminded her that it took a real man to handle her, and she now realised that man was Oduori. She pondered that thought as she finally found the exit to the 'ville and began to leave urbanisation behind.

Mary opened her eyes, wiped the drool that had dried on the side of her chin and a small scream escaped her lips. She was bewildered over where she was, before she knew what was happening she lost balance and her posterior was on the cold floor. She heard loud laughter and saw an middle aged man in uniform holding a mop, she remembered she had slept in the computer lab's lobby. Her neck screamed in pain from the awkward position she had slept in, she looked for some spare change in her pocket and went and bought herself some chips. That was all she could afford, she knew she would get a better meal when she reported for work at the dining hall. She reached for her back pack and decided to go for her morning class after at least washing her face in the ladies room, showering wasn't an issue because it was close to winter so no-one would know if she showered or not. She wondered where she would sleep tonight when a brain wave came to her, she knew where she would sleep tonight!

That same morning Kendi shifted Muriungi's heavy arm off her and climbed out of the bed. She looked for his jeans at the side of the bed and began ransacking them till she found what she wanted. She found his cell phone and put it in her purse, his address book had the answer to her problems. She had left her cousin in an alcohol induced slumber in the sitting room with her new boyfriend when she managed to escape Muriungi's clutches for a few minutes a few hours ago. Before she stepped out of the room, she looked at herself in the mirror and adjusted the remaining buttons on her blouse. In his drunken randy state, Muriungi had been pawing her goodies and she thought she may have had to give it up to him to get what she wanted, but he blacked out on top of her after struggling to take her top off. The experience had been a tiring one for her but at least she had what she wanted she thought to herself. Kendi walked into the sitting room to wake up her cousin and let her know that it was time to go home. Her plan to deal with the semester would now enter stage two!

Kamau had never experienced such a long day before. He had three lectures to sit through which exasperated him because he could hardly understand the Professors and none of the students seemed willing to share their textbooks with him, since he did not have the money to buy any for himself. What made things worse is that he had been trying to get a job and he needed to get a social security number to be even considered for one, he didn't have one and had no idea where to start. He was greatful that the night had come, he took the shuttle to Oduori's apartment complex and walked to the the apartment. He hadn't talked about it but he was sure that Oduori wouldn't mind him staying for one extra night, that is why when he was left after Oduori he had used a piece of paper to wedge the door open slightly. Kamau opened the door, made himself a sandwhich for dinner. He turned on the tv, watched some of the scintillating music videos on MTV for a while and then turned off the tv, lights and curled up on the couch to recharge for another day.

A few hours earlier in the same apartment, Carol knocked on the door. Oduori opened the door and was overjoyed to see her, he gave her a hug that almost stopped her breathing and smothered her lips with a kiss. She saw that he was even more magnificent than what she had been dreaming about over the last few weeks. He invited her in and they sat on the couch and caught up on each others lives. Carol was smart enough to leave out the parts that involved other men who had tried to take Oduori's place. The talked and when the words ran out they let their bodies do the talking. Carol stopped him before they went all the way, she had missed him but wanted to get something to eat. Oduori wasn't amused but obliged her, they went to the nearby Applebees where they enjoyed a meal of babyback ribs, mashed potatoes and other entrees. Carol looked at Oduori and was sure that he would fit in rather well with life in the States. After their delicious meal, they went to the apartment. Oduori could hardly keep his hands off her as they neared the door. He fiddled with the keys and opened the door without turning on the lights.
They were carried away in the throws of their passion. Oduori tore off Carol's skirt, kissed her, picked her up in his strong arms and dumped her lightly on the couch. What happened next baffled Oduori's mind. Carol screamed and a deep male voice exclaimed "Ka nikii?!"

What does Muriungi's phone have for Kendi? How will Oduori deal with Carol and Kamau? What is Mary upto now? Tune in for part 6 soon.......

Rules for Single Women.

Still working on the slides and catching up on the classes I missed. Since some bloggers seem to be aficionados when it comes to the "rules", I might as well share some interesting ones I came across at one of my regular blogs. Enjoy but remember I am not the one who wrote them! So don't vent at me!

• If you think all men are pigs, expect to live alone when you get older.
• If you have 100 reasons to reject a man, expect to live alone when you get older.
• Prince Charming is gay. The perfect ones always are!
  
• Rich, attractive, nice - you can only have two in a man.
• If you ask a man on a first date how much he earns or what kind of car he drives, he gets to look at your bare breasts while you are still in the restaurant.
• If you answer your cell phone during a first date, he has the right to immediately get up and leave with no explanation.
• Choosy and "stuck up" are closely related.
• At 40, single "Rules Girls" become single, lonely women.
• If you expect a man to pay for everything, you'll need a strong jaw and a good tongue.
• Perfect men don't exist. Good men are everywhere.
• It's OK not to want kids. It's not OK to sacrifice your personal life and goals for your career.
• The karmic retribution for putting good men into the "Friend Zone" while getting hurt by bad boys is to become bitter, angry, and the owner of at least three cats.
• You are not a princess no matter what your T-Shirt states. If you really think you are a princess, then you'd better have the body of a stripper, the face of an angel, and the personality of a saint. Even so, only Prince Charming can marry a princess and Prince Charming is gay.
• Your single girlfriends don't want you to have a happy relationship with a man. Consider this when listening to their advice.
• A man won't say "I love you" until he is 100% confident that you won't use this against him. This might take years, be patient because men can be sensitive, too.
• Taking the time to look your best is not optional. After all, if you can catch his eye then you can catch his heart. Being agreeable, pleasant, and happy will seal the deal.
• Smiles and laughter are contagious and can melt any man's heart.
• The unintended consequence of independence is loneliness.
• There is a fine line between expecting that a man pay for everything and being a common prostitute.
• Excessive complaining is neither attractive nor polite.
• You are entitled to nothing. However, you can expect rewards for working hard for something.
• Before you say "it's all his fault" after a bad date, look closely in the mirror.
• It's not always men making you unhappy. Don't let bitter women convince you of that.
• Being strong doesn't mean being bitchy. Wise women have known this for generations.
• You can't have it all. Please have the good sense to realize this.
• Compromise is not surrender, it's what is necessary to have a good relationship.
• Don't expect men to fall all over you just because you are a woman. Feminism taught men to be independent, too.
• There's nothing wrong with looking feminine.
• If he doesn't call you back, it means he's just not really into you. Deal with it.
• If you meet a man, don't find reasons to reject him or things to change in him. Find reasons to accept him and respect him.
• "As if" and "whatever" are immature insults used by 12 year olds, not intelligent young women.
• The common word in "drink whore" and "dinner whore" is still whore.
• Sorry girl, it's NOT all about you so you can change your T-Shirt now.
• Many men would rather chase women, not girls.
• Given the current state of divorce laws, don't expect any man to marry you. It's not you, it's just how things are right now.
• Hanging around gay men won't give you any useful insights about straight men. Frankly, hanging around gay men is just creepy.
• "No fat chicks" is the man's version of "If you're rich, I'm single".
• Winning a man is easy, keeping a man requires hard work.
• Advertising "Bitch" on your T-Shirt or sweatpants won't get you any dates. Single men don't care for that attitude.
• Deferring self-gratification is a sign of maturity. You can wait until dinner even if you're hungry now.
• The real world is pushy, rude, and often unpleasant. That doesn't mean you have to be the same way.
• If you dress like a whore, expect to be treated like a whore.

Guess Who's Back!

Seems they knew I was coming!

Behold! I have returned! I've always wanted to say that! Anyway it's back to life after my trip to Savannah. I had gone for the Model African Union which is like an MUN but for the AU instead. I guess Karma had to come around because I tried to get into the MUN when I was in high school but to no avail, they always picked those brainy chuti kids instead so hah! I finally get my payback!

The drive wasn't that long because the 'ville is closer to Savannah than ATL is. Our faculty advisor drove us there, he wasn't the best driver as he was a bit hesitant and had a bit to liberal with the brake peddle but what to do? Just grin and bear it.

We were staying at the Courtyard Marriot! Yup we were living large! But as it goes with conferences you don't have enough free time to spend in your room. Our group consisted of 2 chics, 2 guys and 2 professors. My room mate was a pretty nice guy, I knew both chics from before, one was from DRC and the other was American. Anyway the chic from DRC is a lesbian and her room mate didn't know this and had been making some anti gay jibes but when the room mate told her it got even worse. Let's just say at one point in the trip something unexpected happened! Aco found himself defending a lesbian's right to be who she is without being pestered, and to think some people call me a gay basher; sheesh!

Anyway more happened but I am feeling too lazy to type. It's Sunday night and I have alot of work pending!
Here is the first slideshow of 3 for you to enjoy! Have a nice Monday!

A Wedding Tale and An Important Video

Dear Readers and fellow Bloggers. I am going for a conference in Savannah today so I will not be posting till next week.
It was about time Aco got a semi-hiatus don't you think so?
It's good to see that most of you agreed with the points that I brought up
in my last post. I just hope the guilty parties take note and change
their behaviour!
Anyway let me leave you with the account of a wedding by a man after my own heart; Grey Fox everybody!

I recently went to the wedding of a friend, who by all accounts
including mine has married a nice girl. It will probably work out
because they were damn sure to lay out just what each of them wanted to
do and hisprenup is iron clad. My friend is an optimist, but he knows
the odds too. Some relatives of mine were also there because he knew
them as well having worked with some of them. After his wedding
ceremony was over here is where the fun begins...

Having come from a client meeting and
knowing that I was going to a wedding I was looking my absolute finest.
No sooner than the ceremony was over friends and relatives started
looking at me and saying that "I was too cute not to have a
girlfriend," and of course when I was going to get married. One of the
brides friends who has been dying to get married since the age of 12
and will the be last one of her friends to get married asked if I
wouldn't mind giving her a ride to the after party theconversation on the ride over runs like this:

Her: So what are you doing now?

Me: I work as an investment adviser in the city.

Her: So that's how you afford nice things?

Me: Yes, that is how I afford nice things for myself.

Her: So what do you do on the weekends for fun?

Me: I go out to clubs or bars for dinner
and drinks, maybe catch a comedy act if someone good is in
town.

Her:
Wow, you and your girlfriend must have a great time, its too bad she
couldn't make it today.

Me: I don't date.

Her: You're single!

Me: I don't date.

Her: You're not gay are you?

Me: No, I just don't date.

Her: Well how the hell are we supposed to go out?

Me: We are not.


Now there is nothing physically wrong with this girl, she isn't
fat, ugly or the elephant man's daughter. But she does have that I need
a man vibe. As for me I simply don't date for the simple reason is that
I am happy and intend to stay that way. Actuallyevery time I have dated
a woman i did it when I was actually in a good place in life but after
all was said and done I actually was worse of than when I started. So
it went like rolling a boulder up a hill just to have it roll back down
at you. Thanks but I only intend to keep moving up in the world not
down.

So as we pull up to the reception she streaks out of the passenger
seat crying, because apparently I don't love her or she was probably
thinking of the happy bride and groom dancing in the ballroom and how
that she was not going be that happy bride....EVER. So a few of the
brides maids rush after her as she hurls herself into the ever scared
women's bathroom, which for some reason mystically added volume and
echo to a woman'stearful sobbing transforming her blubbering swan song
of jilted maiden tears into the roaring banshee howl of an old spinster
fucking a broken fog horn. I left her be and helped myself to a Beam
and Coke.

The ballroom where the dance floor and dinner tables were
was a sight to behold. Not that the place was fabulous but they surreal
nature of the seating. First off you had two tables one table were
divorced husbands all sitting together the next table was all their
divorced wives sitting together. Of course it even more comical when
everyone started dancing they ended up dancing together because they
were told old to find someone young, they ruined each other financially
not to mentioned fucked up their lives, but they would rather dance
with each other than sit at a table with nobody to call their own
especially at a wedding party. The rest of the tables were set up with
family and friends. Now the friends were interesting because their
tables were set up in such a way that the those who were probably next
to get married were all sitting together. I couldn't help but to think
how long it would be before they were taking the places of those
sitting at the currently divorced tables.

Now
the night moves along fine. I'm on good behavior because its a friend's
wedding and I'm not going to fuck up his day, plus I'm in a good mood
because I have a group of 7 people asking me about the market and what
stocks are hot and that doesnourish my ego. I'm making my way to the bar to freshen my drink when the DJ stops the music to make an announcement.

DJ: If I could have everyone's attention please. XXXXX wishes to dedicate this song and dance to a man she cares about. She wants to melt your cold heart with her warmth, Mr. GreyFox could you please come to the dance floor...

I can know hear some awwww's
coming up from the guests and there in the middle of the dance floor is
the girl who I had given a ride to, who had blindly ran into the
women's room crying when we arrived at the party, and now this....what
was I to do.

Well it is tradition that the Bride and Groom slip away early from the party to consummate
their relationship for the "first" time. So taking a page from that
game book I slipped out the door near the bar in the reception hall,
making my way to the car.

If you have never left a woman
expecting you on the dance floor in front of a large crowd of people
like that you probably don't know what I'm going to talk about next,
but if you have.... You feel like you just scored one for the good
guys, or bad guysdepending who's side you are rooting for, but more
importantly it feels like you shrugged off this dirty yoke, like you
were expected to be that guy who finds love at someoneelses wedding
that you to have the love bug now and everyone is a couple now. You
feel like you escaped this mickey-mouse-club-let's-drink-the-cool-aid
cult. So I drove to the one most secluded, laid back bar I knew
laughing all the way.


-Grey Fox

For those of
you planning on coming stateside sometime soon. This is an important
video you need to watch about dealing with the 5.0 aka Police. Enjoy!