Monday, December 19, 2005

Political Systems for Idiots

Politics has never been my thing even though my major is deeply mired in such matters.So someone sent me this guide to simplify the major systems for me.Enjoy!

FEUDALISM: You have two cows.Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government
takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone
else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows.The
government gives you a glass of milk.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: Your cows are cared for by
former chicken farmers. You have to take care of the
chickens the government took from the chicken
farmers.The government gives you as much milk and eggs
the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows.The government takes both,
hires you to take care of them, and sells you the
milk.

TOTALITARIANISM
: You have two cows. The government
takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is
banned.

PURE COMMUNISM: You share two cows with your
neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has
the most "ability" and who has the most
"need".Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any
milk,and the cows drop dead of starvation.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
: You have two cows. You have to take
care of them, but the government takes all the
milk.You steal back as much milk as you can and sell
it on the black market.

PERESTROIKA : You have two cows. You have to take care
of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal
back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free"
market.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government
takes both and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes
both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors
decide who gets the milk.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them
sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't
do anything.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give
you two cows if you vote for it. After the election,
the president is impeached for speculating in cow
futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY
: You have two cows. The
government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm
animals in an apartment.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows.Your
neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

LIBERTARIANISM
: You have two cows. One has actually
read the constitution, believes in it, and has some
really good ideas about government. The cow runs for
office, and while most people agree that the cow is
the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes
for her because they think it would be "throwing their
vote away."

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the
government regulates what you can feed them and when
you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk
them.Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other
and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires
you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

CAPITALISM: You don't have any cows. The bank will not
lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any
cows to put up as collateral.

PURE ANARCHY
: You have two cows.Either you sell the
milk fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows
and kill you.

AMERICAN-STYLE ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull - and build a herd of
cows..

HONG KONG CAPITALISM
: You have two cows. You sell
three of them to your publicly - listed company, using
letters of credit opened by your brother - in - law at
the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with
associated general offer so that you get all four cows
back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The
milk rights of six cows are transferred via a
Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells
the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed
company. The annual report says that the company owns
eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you
kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government
bans you from milking or killing them.

SURREALISM
: You have two giraffes.The government
requires you to take harmonica lessons.

OLYMPICS-ISM: You have two cows, one American, one
Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state
of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the
moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony
of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced
parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow
was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and
watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The
American cow wins the competition, severely spraining
an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a
multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The
Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by
Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears
about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot
and fast at its Beijing restaurant.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married,neuter all the bulls
and adopt a veal calf.

COUNTER CULTURE-ISM: Wow, dude, there's like... these
two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

ENRONISM
: You have two cows. You sell three of them to
your publicly listed company, using letters of credit
opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
execute a debt/equity swap with the associated general
offer so you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six
cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman
Island company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows
back to your listed company. The annual report states
that the company owns eight cows, with an option on
one more.

AMERICAN CORPORATIONISM: You have two cows. You sell
one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the
2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of
four cows using Bioengineered hormones. You lobby an
ignorant Congress so as to make sure that you do not
have to label your milk products - even if they cross
state lines. You are surprised when one cow drops
dead, but you work out a deal so that you can sell it
to a renderer - and feed it back to your herd. Some of
the older second-cycle cows cannot be impregnated -
while others deliver twins - that have to killed and
sold for pitance as vealers... You spin an
announcement to the analysts stating you have
downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes
up.

FRENCH CORPORATIONISM: You have two cows. You go on
strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATIONISM: You have two cows. You
redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They
learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most
are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATIONISM: You have two cows. You engineer
them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an
hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of
vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATIONISM: You have two cows but you
don't know where they are. While ambling around, you
see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is
good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them
and learn you have five cows. You have somemore vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You
count themagain and learn you have 12 cows. You stop
counting cows and open another bottle ofvodka. You
produce your 10th 5-year plan in the last 3 months.
The Mafia shows upand takes over however many cows you
really have.

FLORIDA CORPORATIONISM: You have a black cow and a
brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote
for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some
people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out
how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from
out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATIONISM: You have fifteen million
cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader
of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

BUSHISM
: Holy Cow! I'm the duly elected president of a
nation of sheep who believe anything that the
benighted news tells them, such as that my brother was
a well-experienced politician - somehow elected to the
Governorship of Florida, where due to some specially
original voting technology, we cowed the even more
specially qualified Vice-President by beating him at
creating new means for originating out-of-state
voters, with special ties to the war machine - that I
am particularly fond of milking, and then turning
around and selling them both new parts, new
technologies, and fuel to operate them with, while
creating not only new jobs, but new historical sound
bites as I offend those who worship sacred cows, and
feed others my most important product - really prime
bullshit.

Other Definitions needing attention:

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people
into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you
to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people
you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and
give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara
Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST
: You have two cows. The government takes one
and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative
to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none.
So?

COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes
both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for
hours to get it. By this time, it is expensive and
sour.

SOCIAL DEMOCRACY - AMERICAN STYLE
: You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell
both to support a man in a foreign country who has
only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY - AMERICAN STYLE
: You have two cows. The
government takes them both, shoots one, milks the
other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk
down the drain.

8 comments:

Msanii_XL said...

skates in at namba....

Msanii_XL said...

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows.The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm
animals in an apartment....lol

the DEMOCRAT and repbuliccan definition had some truth for the most part.

Funny post..

Tee J said...

LOL! The Hong Kong capitalism and Enronism...nice!
And the French and Italian Corps I just like. As for the Russian Corp lol.
Woii the NewYork corp description is just wrong hehehe I feel bad for that woman tho.

Tee J said...

Nick-Just saw your comment from sato(about non-bloggers)...ebu don't give Aco ideas. He just might do it coz I tried to put him on the spot about 'just there'.
Aco-I was just messing with you :-) or was I?

Acolyte said...

@ Msanii
back on form I see.Yes these definitions do rock!
@ Tee J
Where is this comment that Nick made and where?!I gotta see it!

Mocha! said...

HAIYA....just when I think I have 'read' all, Aco pulls this out of the bag.

acolyte said...

@ mocha
Gotta pull somethin new out of the hat to keep em coming back!

Mark said...

North Korean Communism- You have two cows, one of them starves to death. The other cow eats the dead cow and chokes to death, your dog eats both cows. You eat the dog. You starve to death. The government sells your skin to China and boils your bones to make glue.