Friday, May 18, 2007


I was reading this article in the Standard and I must say that two things came to mind. First of all is that running an entertainment establishment in Nairobi and having it suceed is a herculean task. Many have tried and many have failed. Of course if you read the article you can see that alot of people get the formula wrong on step one and don't go very far. I don't know many of those bars esp the ones in the city centre but I do remember some other joint. Does anyone here remember Ghetto Pub? It used to be in the building that is behind what is now Pavements? That joint started really well and had snagged some good clientele until the young folk raided it. Not to look down on the under 25 crowd, but we all know that most of them even if they move in droves have very little discretionary income. So most of them will go drink at the locals and go to joint have only one or two beers while hogging tables and bar stools in the pub. The older clientele were not having it and the place went bottoms up (pun intended) really fast! Second thing is that Kenyans are very classist. Does anyone here remember a joint in hurlingham that was called Zig Zag (the classic two dance floors in one pub)? I remember for the first few months that joint had no airconditioning, it was like an oven of sorts. Anyway the joint started really well until touts and other shady characters started showing up causing trouble and robbing the regulars, it was given a wide berth and that was the end of it. Most Kenyans believe it or not do like to hang out with people of the same class as them, so when the people who are "with it" start going to a joint, it becomes the place to be. They have the place to themselves for a while until the word trickles down to the masses, when this happens the masses invade and the "with it" crowd decide they are tired of hanging out with the commoners and scuttle off to their next joint. Their old hang out eventually dies out and the cycle is repeated again and again.
Of course we all do know how many clubs in Kenya have collapsed due to the management getting too big for their britches. Case in point mentioned in the article is K2. I remember how sometime before I left and it was really popular, unless you knew the bouncers or looked like you had money the bouncers would treat you like crap. Of course what happened is that people decided they would be going to Choices across the road and the article confirms what I have been hearing. By the way has anyone ever noticed how Kenyans have an oathological dislike for cover charges? Unless it is a large one time event ie super soul, the crowd tends to steer towards to where there is no cover charge. But on the bright side for what we don't pay for entrance we make up for in drinks bought. Anyway this is just making me remember how much fun I used to have fun in the Kenyan nightlife and how crappy things are here. Go out and have a pint for me people!

This has been weighing on my mind and I had to share it. There is this girl I see everyday at work and frankly her situation worries me. You see this girl has an un-natural growth. No-one talks about it in front of her but I see people peeking through the corners of their eyes, some whispering when she walks past them, others staring at her when they think she isn't looking, it gets even worse when she is walking; it's all eyes on her then. The good thing is that she isn't in pain at all and can live a regular life, Thank God for small wonders. Since the growth has bene part of her life from her teens I think she too doesn't notice the attention; but still I find it amazing that a girl so short can have an ass that big.

Now I shall leave you with a snippet from one of my all time fave Liverpool fan sites where a list of the top 10 most hated players was posted.

GK: Jussi Jaaskelainen (Bolton Wanderers)True to form, Jaaskelainen continued his fine moaning form this year, whinging about every decision on the pitch and even having digs at Rafa Benitez in the press for questioning Bolton’s style of play. A hypocrite as well- moaned at the referee for allowing Reina to time waste in this season’s game at Anfield when the scruffy Finn was doing it right from the off before Steven Gerrard opened the scoring. Looks like a tramp as well.

RB: Gary Neville (Manchester United)It had to be didn’t it? Nobody else ran everybody’s favourite Mancunian close enough to make it into the XI. Neville was his usual loathsome self during the campaign and moaned like a bitch in the press about United’s measly two European Cup wins before the AC Milan game and vowed that they’d “put it right.”

CB: Rio Ferdinand (Manchester United)Not just content with being the most overrated footballer on the planet, Ferdinand is also staking his claim to be the biggest gobshite on the planet. The epitomy of the typical modern day footballer and in general, a brain-dead ignorant ****.

CB: Alan Stubbs (Everton)Everybody’s favourite parrot-faced **** cemented his place in the XI with his usual bitter jibes around the time of the derby- all the usual stuff about how every Liverpool fan comes from Oslo and moaned like a bitch when Benitez made the “small club” remark despite taking numerous pot shots against ourselves down the years. He’s shit as well.

LB: Ashley Cole (Chelsea)“Cashley” as he has now been dubbed firmly established himself as a female genitalia this year when he shit on Arsenal (his boyhood club) for the sake of 5k to join Chelsea at the start of the season. Despite rumours being unconfirmed about the extra 5k being used to buy a few more mobile phones, Cole still proved himself to be **** with a horrible tacky Footballer’s Wives weddings and seems to think he’s God’s gift to the left-back position when, like most of his England colleagues, he’s an overrated ****.

RW: Cristiano Ronaldo (Manchester United)After making himself one of the most twattable figures at the last World Cup, the boy “made England look shite” carried on his form into the Premiership this year making himself look like a bigger female genitalia than he ever has before. Horrible little scumbag and the fact that somebody like him has such a talent proves that God likes a laugh.

CM: Michael Brown (Fulham)A surprise choice given he edged out Fat Frank into this team, Brown couldn’t go ignored largely for being a shithouse for 9 months with some shocking challenges. Not content with having the footballing ability of a bag of shite, Brown was determined to make the headlines through a series of shithouse challenges throughout the year, culminating in the cowardly head butt on
Xabi Alonso. In short, a female genitalia.

CM: Francesc Fabregas (Arsenal)Has stolen Paul Scholes’ title of being the shithouse that is largely ignored by fans and the media, but young Fabregas demonstrated a twatness throughout 06/07 that belies his tender years. Always whining to the ref and leaving his foot in in tackles as well as being an antagonistic female genitalia, Fabregas’ crowning glory of the season came when he spat his dummy out after Blackburn played for a 0-0 draw at the Emirates. Well boo hoo.

LW: Mikel Arteta (Everton)Some would argue that Arteta isn’t that much of a **** but really, that’s like saying that Stalin “wasn’t such a bad person.” The “only Spaniard we know” demonstrated his bitter credentials with a jibe of how he’s never met a Scouse Liverpool fan, despite the builder working on his house proving the contrary by wearing his shirt to work every day. The tight arse even had a cheek to argue over the bill, allegedly. Proved himself to be a **** with some snidy challenges in the derby as well.

CF: Andy Johnson (Everton)“Honest AJ” makes this XI on the basis that he’s a loathsome little turd. A Norwich fan in my work despises him as much as me and says that “AJ” has been diving for penalties for years in the lower leagues but is only getting coverage for it now. Came out with the following statement “I want to score so why would I dive?” Errrmmm… because you take the penalties you helmet. Actually physically looks like a penis as well. Draw a little dot on top of his head and you’ll see what I mean.

CF: Thierry Henry (Arsenal)The surprise choice over the consistently twattish Didier Drogba but Henry’s twatness shone through this year. Following on from his whinge after the Champions League final last year, Henry continued his twattable form with the invention of that annoying dancing celebration with Emmanuel Ade-can’tscore. Went down in my estimation as well for shushing the Kop on Truth Day and had another moan when Arsenal got knocked out of Europe. Something about PSV having only two chances in both games. *rubs thumb and finger together* Well this is the world’s smallest violin playing just for Thierry Henry.

Manager: Slur Alex Ferguson (Manchester United)A classic return to form for English football’s Premier pisshead. Came out with the usual unsavoury remarks this season about opponents and even claimed that Liverpool fans were wishing him good luck. Maybe wishing him good luck in the Betty Ford Clinic perhaps… Seems to have gone camp all of a sudden- celebrates every goal with a gay little mince that wouldn’t have looked out of place in a Carry On film.
So there you have it- the Premiership Tw**table XI. Roll on to next season where players will have a chance to show their credentials and earn a spot in next year’s XI.

Nice Weekend People!


kayliz said...

haiya! Fao at Aco's place? I'm getting good.
lol, the ass is the 'growth'? lmao

I love the twat list. Cashley Cole deserves to be there more than anything else. He's a girl

Majonzi said...

wow! long post!! anyways, was frozen @ Tropez when I was home two summers ago.

lol! on the short chic with a growth... LOL!! never saw that coming. at first I thought it was funny hairs, then a mole... but never a taKo!!

bankelele said...

Running a club is tough. Change things to get new partons, and old ones don't like it. get too popular/crowded and old timers move on. I bet there are people who like Pavement, Manaz, and other clubs just the way they are. But cover charge seems to be taken as a challenge like "you don't think I have enough money to enter this cheap joint? I can go elsewher and buy 5X theat amount in rounds if you don't let me in". For me drink price, good food, clean bathrooms (even for a no.2), DSTV, and not-too-loud music are on my checklist to measure a club

Half 'n' half said...

Until the last sentence I was feeling sorry for the girl with the growth! sick!

How is it that there are sooo many Manu u players on that list? (hilarious list it is too)

Agree with Henry,cashley even Rio but Sir Alex? really *smh*
Enjoy your weekend!

Why is it that Carnivore doesn't go through ups and downs (even when they had Lorna Irungu!)

egm said...

Yup, I never saw that coming. Master of suspense you!

Have a sawa weekend yourself.

Udi said...

Clubs will always go up and down coz kenyans get bored chap chap with clubs. But the one thing I mastered when I lived in Kenya was to know the bouncers and the waitresses. Coz one, the bouncers will let you in even when you come in with someone underage. Give them 100 bob every other week and they get to be your buddy. Gove the waitress a 20 bob tip on every beer and you will be suprised as to how quickly you get pint especially when the bar is packed.

As for pavement, the influx of langas last time I was there is what might be causing the downward spiral. Plus, it seems clubs are fighting to have these so called celebrities into their clubs, the common mwananchi decides he would rather go kunywa with regulars instead of thinking he is auditioning for a damn videoa

3N said...

@HalfnHalf, I think the reason cani survives its coz they have an established and renowned restaurant to supplement their club revenues.
also its tradition, even our children will want to hang at Cani when they start going out.

Aco, LOL at the growth.

as for clubs the cycle will always be like that. If I was to open a joint - which I must - I will purposefully target over 25'ers. kidoz just come and ruin all the good hangs.

enjoy the weekend

Msanii_XL said...

"By the way has anyone ever noticed how Kenyans have an oathological dislike for cover charges?"

and bargaining kwa mlango.. I was thinking it was tumor or something

enjoy the weekend

TeeJ said...

Aki Aco and the way I was feeling woii for the chic with what I thot was a tumor...kumbe! LOL!!

Anonymous said...

Short with a big ass gotta number, i can take that anytime.

Frankie said...

i read the article, but i guess u guys are shunning youngsters like us, but it's ok. i just started campus and i hope i will enjoy my life there but so far it's just stuff to do with talks and aids and pregnancy..

Acolyte said...

@ kayliz
Congrats!That list cracked me up too!
@ majonzi
Were you frozen coz of your attitude or coz your age? Hmmmmm.
Yes that tale had people on edge for a moment there.
@ bankele
I do agree that running a club is a very very tricky business, do you opt for a the large transient crowd or the small but dedicated crowd. I do like your checklist, I used to follow it myself when I was back home.
@ half n half
I do think Carni has had it's downs esp when everyone was going for soul at K2 but rock night has remained a popular fixture with the people.
@ egm
Got you guessing huh? Have a good weekend!
@ udi
I remember that trick, I used to pull it myself! Yes I do remember Pavements was popular with the langas due to the large number of white folk there. Some of these "celebs" are just as broke as us!
@ 3N
The over 25s is a good market to target. And yes I do agree carni is an established brand that isnt going away soon.
@ msanii
Lol bargaining for entrance! I have seen it happen.
@ tee j
Do you have a tumour too? Can I see?
@ anon
As would I!
@ frankie
I guess we old timers just want some peace and drama free clubbing. Campo is fun, you shall learn alot!

mama shady said...

that growth joke!funny!at first i was like aco getting something off his chest?!...hmmm, it must be serious.As for clubs, there so many new ones popping up randomly, i cant keep track.merry weekend to you!

Shiroh said...

of all bad pubs, Tropez tops the list. Located just near the Nation centre, tropez has BAD bad BAD service kwanza the waiters look at you like you are beggin them to serve you.

Jazz & Zeep is constricted space.

As for burly bouncers i haven't had an in with them so...

kelitu said...

I remember one time they increased the entrance fee in carni Soul night from 100-150 just to keep the obohoz at bay.

Free entrance became a big thing when K1 opened up(those Castle Drafts were such a magnet then LOL!!)

Majonzi said...

I was frozen coz of my age-- the place was packed and they were only letting plus 25's!

aegeus said...

Very well put Aco. I am more of a club kind of person, give me a proper dance floor and i am good!

Rista said...

Just read the rebuttal to part of the Pulse club article.
I'm wondering whether the article'll make that much of a difference to any of these clubs... we Kenyans being as 'peculiar' as we are.

Acolyte said...

@ mama shady
I know what you are saying clubs in kenya come and go waaaaaaaaay too fast!
@ shiroh
I only went to Tropez once and it was nothing to write home about and Zeep was pretty so small.
@ kelitu
I remember that week coz I caused for the chic at the counter thinking she was trying to pull a fast one on us.
@ majonzi
Kumbe you are a baby like that!
@ aegeus
Well clubs do little for me, I leave dancing to the uni students and the women.So have fun with that!
@ rista
Well that article may lead some blggers to visit the joint and make up their own opinion, I have never been there so I cant really comment on Galileo's.