Saturday, January 07, 2006

You're so smart!

Common sense is not as common as you think it is.I passed through one of the many sites that I visit and I found these gems........

Overheard this on a London bus:

First Woman: "I don't know what to get Fred for his birthday."
Second Woman: "Why don't you get him a book?"
First Woman: (after a moment's thought) "Nah, he's already got a book."

The following call came in at 7:30 this morning:

Me: "Hello?"
Some Woman: "Mannie?"
Me: "Ma'am, what number are you trying to reach?"
Some Woman: "Mannie, y'all get up now, cause y'all are goin' to Sunday School, okay, sweetie?"
Me: "Ma'am, I am not your sweetie. You have a wrong number!"
Some Woman: "Okay, sweetie, see you soon!" (click)

My doctor's office gives each patient a card with the date of the next appointment. One lady came in with her card on August 23rd, and here's what happened:

Lady: "My card says to be here on the 28th at 10am, and I'm here!"
Receptionist: "But, ma'am, today is the 23rd."
Lady: "No it isn't, my card says the 28th!"
Receptionist: "I know your card says the 28th, but that's next Monday."
Lady: "No, my card says to be here on the 28th, and I'm here!"

I was working in a photo store, which specializes in restoring old photographs, when a lady brought in a old picture of a man sitting behind a cow, milking it.

Her: "Can you fix this picture for me?"
Me: "Sure. What would you like us to do?"
Her: "Can you move the cow?"
Me: "Move the cow?"
Her: "I want to know what my great-grandfather looked like. That's him."
She pointed to the feet sticking out under the cow.

Me: "I don't think we can do that."
Her: "Just move the cow over, and we'll be able to see his face."
Me: "I'm sorry. We don't have the technology to do that."
Her: (getting huffy) "Well, I guess I'll just take this somewhere else."

In my high school civics class the air conditioner didn't have the vents to direct which way the air would blow for most of the first semester, so everyone who sat in the back of the class would freeze, while the people sitting in the front were always hot. One day, somebody in the back decided to take a stand against the teacher and declare the class to be cold. He stood up and said, "Mrs. Barnes, it's cold in here. We need to turn the air off."

Since this was a class that always had to argue, someone else said "Turn it off?"

The first person, being the exceptionally bright student that he is, retorted, "Yeah, off. O - F."

Then one of our other geniuses decided to pipe up and said, "I would have laughed so hard if you had spelled that wrong."

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"
Me: "Certainly, what width?"
Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

A friend of mine was showing me a little fold-away phone number list that he kept in his wallet. The way it worked was that the piece of paper with the telephone list is glued to two magnets the size and shape of a credit card. The paper folded up accordion-style and was secured by the two magnets sticking together.

Me: "Wow! This magnetic telephone list is cool!"
Friend: "What? That's not magnetic."
Me: "Umm...yeah, it is. See, these two things on the end are magnets, and they stick together."
Friend: "Oh, so that's why my credit cards won't work anymore!"
Me: "So, how did you think it stuck together if you didn't think they were magnets?"
Friend: "I thought it was just paper suction."

The mother of a friend went to New York City for the first time and was approached by a homeless man soliciting the sale of a bottle of exclusive moisturizer, normally retailed at $80, for only $5. She reached for her purse enthusiastically and said, "Sir, will there be tax on that?" When the man recovered from laughing, he made the sale -- tax free.

It's amazing how stupid people can be on the telephone. I used to work for a major northwestern bank in the collections department, and we would frequently get calls like this:

Caller: "Could I speak to [somebody's name]?"
Me: "I'm sorry, but that person is [on vacation, out of the office, otherwise unavailable]. Would you like to leave a message?"
Caller: (annoyed) "I'm calling long distance!"

As if calling long distance will magically make the individual magically appear in the office!

Caller: "Can I speak to Mr. [name], please?"
Me: "I'm sorry, Mr. [name] is on vacation."
Caller: "I'll hold."

Phone Sales Representative: "Ok, now I need the billing address of the card."
Customer: "But I want it shipped to my daughter at school."
Phone Sales Representative: "That's not a problem; I can ship anywhere you like, but I do need the correct billing address."
Customer: "Ok."

I pause, expecting him to supply me with the address.

Phone Sales Representative: "Sir, the billing address please?"
Customer: "Oh, were you waiting for me? I'm sorry. I send the payments to a PO Box in Maryland, I think. Do you really need that address?"
Phone Sales Representative: "No, sir, not where you send the payments, but where you receive the statements."
Customer: "A statement?" (rustle, rustle) "Yeah, here's one. It's PO Box 2386, Towson, MD."
Phone Sales Representative: "Sir, is that Towson address you just gave me where you send your payments or where you receive your statements?"
Customer: "Oh, the statements come here."
Phone Sales Representative: "And what is that address?"
Customer: "But I want it shipped to--"
Phone Sales Representative: "--your daughter at school. Right. But I still need a valid billing address."
Customer: "Young lady, if you would just tell me what you need from me, I would be happy to supply it."
Phone Sales Representative: "Where do your credit card statements come?"
Customer: "I told you. They come from Towson, MD."
Phone Sales Representative: "Not where they come from, where you receive them."
Customer: "In the mail, of course! You're not very smart, are you?"
Phone Sales Representative: "Sir, when you receive your statement from the credit card company and open it up to look at it, where are you standing?"
Customer: "In my kitchen."
Phone Sales Representative: "Your kitchen at home?"
Customer: "Of course!"
Phone Sales Representative: "Great! And what is your home address then?"
Customer: (finally supplies the address) "If you just wanted my home address, why on earth didn't you just ask for it?"
My own experiences

Walking on a beach in Mombasa at low tide with a girl
Girl:When I was a kid this beach and the water reached much further, it's a shame what pollution has done.(somber expression)
Aco:Isn't it low tide?(one eyebrow raised ala The Rock)
Girl:Oops (sheepish expression)

In a bar with a girl I observe in the distance what seems to be a very animated conversation between a couple three tables away.The girl can see my interest in the conversation.
Aco:Damn!(looking at couple)I wish I could lip read
Girl:Why?Are you deaf?

After taking a gal pal for an afternoon driving lesson in her car we pull into her drive way.
Girl:Oh My God!Someone has stolen my car!
Aco:(Almost thinking aloud) Then what the hell are we sitting in?

And to think that we are supposedly the most intelligent beings on the planet.


mutumia said...

IT guy asks for a copy of a diskette so he can have a look at some data. Messenger cycles all the way from 'dustririal area (Inda) to Hurlingham (!) and hands over a karatasi.

"What's this?"

"Nilipatiwa photocopy na Mama nikuletee"

We're still laughing 7 years later.

Acolyte said...

@ Mutumia
That one is indeed a classic!If we get started on the ones for hired help we could be here all day!

Prousette said...

@mutumia that was terrible!! photocopy of a diskette indeed.

that chikc just wanted to create conversation on pollution forgive her. We're not the smartest especially when it comes to communication.

Msanii_XL said...

lol@ all this...funny stuff

Farmgal said...


Acolyte said...

@ prou
Yes that gal made my day!
@ msanii
humans never fail to entertain
@ farmgal

Mignon said...

lol..interesting read. there is no such thing as common sense cuz it's not always so common. anyhoo, umefika chuo?

Delicious! said...

wewe aco.....hapi nu 'ear!

ebu patia me de chat details again.

as for latest posting....very funny! direct translations are my favs.

nick said...

these sound like somethin Phoebe Buffay would say from friends...that humor is priceless! it acquires another taste in ur mouth..yaani

how is school kijana? im still waitin for instigator!

Acolyte said...

@ cute angel
Yes I am sawa.Back to school and back to work!
@ mocha
happy new year to you too!I'll holla at u!
@ Nick
Yes they do sound like her!wacha i settle down kwanza...