Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Down Low


"Mr Down Low" J.L King who first came out about living on the d.l

It is about time I moved away from the fracas of my second last post and talk about something that goes on here in the States and also back home. Men living in the downlow. These are men (usually African American in the States) who say they are not gay but have sex with other men.More often then not the sex is unprotected and this leads them to infecting their wives with HIV/AIDS.
I remember shamelessly laughing at the whole Terry McMillan story. I am sure you are all aware of How Stella Got Her Groove Back, her novel which was based on how she met her now ex husband who was much younger then how they courted and married.This account made her an idol for older women who had always wanted to seek love with younger men but were discouraged by society.I have always been of the opinion that younger men only date much older women when they women have something to give ie money. So when the story came out about how her husband Jonathan Plummer was gay I was not surprised at all (I mean just look at his pic!).It also emerged that he was using her for a citizenship and tried to get alimony from her.What also hurt her alot was the fact that he was sleeping with other men during their marriage!In interviews he claims that he became aware of his feelings for me during the last 2 years of their marriage (after filing for a green card of course!), but I doubt that gay feelings just come out of the blue like that; please prove me wrong!Anyway as I watched her on BET last night I could tell that she was really really angry and felt betrayed!I could only feel sorry for her.
What gets to me most is the sneaking around and the unprotected sex that these men are having.I feel that it is unfair for them to punish their women for being faithful.These men know what they are doing is wrong but they go ahead and do it!
I think they can make all the excuses that they want but at the end of the day all these Down Low Hoes are just inconsiderate bastards!If you know you have feelings for men then don't get married at all!Live free and cruise the clubs and sex clubs at your own free will.And what is this crap ati Men who have sex with Men, dude you are a damn homosexual.Or maybe I am not hetero I am just a man who sleeps with women.Excuses, excuses, excuses, everyone in this country has one for why they do the stupid things that they do and it makes me sick!

23 comments:

Nakeel said...

Am First here and bratha Aco I hear you soo much.
Its sad to see men betray their wives in that sensitive way and use them to get what they desire.
I wonder where our society is heading to

Movie Buff said...

Its such a shame. Lakini, hata kama and even if, that mano for Stella looks gay... not stereotyping lakini...... And what about Star Jones husband?? Al Reynolds? Gay brotha.... but anyway.. I digress...

My best friend is gay. He has women who fuata him like there is no tomorrow. They know he is gay lakini they still want his storos...... Sometimes women shangaza me....

But for real Aco...you have spoken the truth and spoken it loud and clear..... they should not get married.. I agree... and how do people still have sex without protections???? These men should come out and say that they are gay. This thing of insisting that they are straight and just sleep with men on the off day is just psychadelic.... [I dont even know what this means].....

Prousette said...

A special day when I totally agree with what you are saying aco.
They should not marry at all, if they are still having things on the side male or female.

acolyte said...

@ nakeel
Welcome!I would say society is going down the drain!
@ movie buff
As for women who feel gay men that one I have nothing I can say coz women are way to complex!But it is true, if you are on the d.l don't get married!And as for rump riding kavu how stupid can one get?At the end of the day men who sleep with men=homosexuals!
@ prou
It was inevitable that this day would come!Those ppl should make a choice once and for all!

spicebear said...

damn, i had made a mental note to watch that programme but it slipped my mind.
these dudes need to stop lying to themselves and to their spouses. i heard of a case where a guy on the down low wouldn't use condoms because in his mind he wasn't even having sex, it was just fooling around. the stupidity of it all ...

acolyte said...

@ spicebear
I had my alarm clock set on it!Now that dude you're talking about was seriously deluded!

Kenyangal said...

Yes very wrong, totally agree lol

acolyte said...

@ kenyangal
At last something that we agree on!

Keguro said...

I had a response, but my friend John Keene says it so much better. So I link his post on the issue here:

http://jstheater.blogspot.com/2006/03/on-not-blogging-bets-dl-exposed.html

Keith Boykin on www.keithboykin.com (with whom I often don't agree) also has the best popular rebuttal to the dl debate.

I'll spare the rumor mill about several Kenyan men who have gotten married and kept boyfriends on the side. (Several! And I have names!)

Girl next door said...

I'm all in support of people embracing their sexual orientation and coming out. Sad to force a marriage and be on the DL. Denial is the 1st stage.

acolyte said...

@ keguro
Yes those posts do raise some good points but the fact does remain the men on the d.l are more likely to engage in unprotected sex then hetero men who are having affairs.Yes I do agree that it is not only a black phenomenon nor exclusively American.But at the end of the day it does not make it right one bit.I heard of a Catholic Priest who was using church funds to maintain his gay lover in Kenya so the disease runs deep....
@ girl next door.
Denial is one of the most dangerous things!

Keguro said...

Hmmm

So, all those statistics about unexpected pregnancies and teen pregnancies and all those men with two or three families, none of that has anything to do with unprotected sex? Let's not even get into statistics about STI (what is it, something like 1 out of every 3 undergrads in America? Kenya doesn't keep statistics, but were we to check . . .)

Now, now. You don't want to start another 40-response thread on what counts as "protected" and "unprotected" sex, do you?

Acolyte said...

@ keguro
Come to think of it I think black men in the states on the dl with their multiple baby mamas and being on the d.l are like a fox with its tail on fire running through an african plain during a drought.Fact is that the HIV rates in America are around 8 times for blacks then for other races despite the fact that they are a majority.Seems that black dl men are a part of this problem, how major is what remains to be established.
As for Africa I dont think the extent of dl has been established but I dont think that it is doing major damage yet.

Milonare said...

Sema Aco

It is said that the best defence is offence! Keeping one's sex life on the dlow out of fear results in feelings of guilt...

I suspect that such people are so afraid that others will look at them and be able to tell they are gay. They therefore resort to marriage as a reaction to portray that they are straight... But deep inside they know what the want and go after it...

@Keguro
Toboa hiyo list so the public may see. There's nothing like some juciy gossip to spice up beer conversation in the pubs!!

KenyanMusings said...

Feeling you there...If you are gay, do not get married to someone of the opposite sex.
True dat.

LOL@ Milo asking for gossip...tihihihi

Sasa Aco? Week going well?

Shiroh said...

Hey Aco, me just feel you. I cant even imagine a guy kanyangain another guy when i married to him.
BTW even lesbian women do that.

Ebu if you are going to catch mdudu you kufa alone.

Keguro said...

Okay, a 40-thread comment string started. Don't say I didn't warn you.

First, the DL phenomenon is hyperbolic. It is NOT the main way that black women get HIV, no matter what JL King would like to think. (I'm not sure he believes this himself, seeing as, he's become very wealthy by spreading his DL gospel, which women want to buy).

Second, before we start blaming America and black people in America, maybe we need to look at our own backyards, where we have villages and towns de-populated because of HIV/AIDS. America bashing does us little good, especially when we face the same constraints.

How many African women can tell their husbands to wear condoms? How many African husbands may be cheating without their wives knowing? Even worse, how many African women husbands cheat with the women knowing but the women can't force the men to wear condoms?

It's not a matter of which gender one cheats with; cheating is a problem that spreads disease all over the world. We gain nothing by saying, cheat with a woman and then come have unprotected sex with me. We have our own African tragedies to prove this point.

Before we start on the multiple baby mama business, let's recall Kenya's insane rate of teen pregnancy (less than it used to be, ostensibly, but still really high); Kenya's insane rate of out-of-wedlock mothers; the multiple scrubs who run around Kenya getting women pregnant and not paying any child support. To be crude, our own shit stinks.

Being on the "dl" in America and Kenya is structural; it's a societal problem, not an individual one. My mother, who knows I'm gay, would be very happy to see me marry a woman, just so the family can look good. My case is not unique. Families marry off their gay sons knowing the sons are gay. To spare the family shame, or so I'm told. It seems to me that's a failed strategy. (Let's not get into the many, "I'm married with a person on the side" stories that run through Nairobi, let alone Kenya.)

Something's wrong with how we envision marriage if we believe women have no right to know about their husbands. Something is also very wrong with marriage if women don't know what they are getting into. (Kwani, you dated for three weeks and then said I do? Take some responsibility for messed up decisions. Now I sound like Acostigator!)

Kenyangal said...

HMMM I'll go get the popcorn!

acolyte said...

@ milo
I think these ppl should come to the realisation of what they are and stop playing both sides of the pitch.
@ kenyanmusings
It sounds so simple!
@ shiroh
Yes I have heard of dl lesbians too!Even in Kenya!
@ Keguro
I didnt say that the dl is the main way that black women get HIV but it is helping to add to the numbers!I do agree that we as africans are not much better but here in America the ppl have access to things that we dont such as a good economy,good public health systems, fewer retrogressive traditions and more opportunities for women to be empowered socially and financially.Yet they seem to be making the same mistakes and facing the same problems as we are.I still insist that being on the dl is personal issue esp in America where one can be gay without fearing for his life.DL people need to step up to the plate!I do believe that women need to be more empowered and ask their men those hard questions but the fact remains that the dl cant be justified in any way, shape or form!
@ kenyangal
enjoy the show!

Stunuh Jay said...

Dude the Terry McMillan story brought me to tears! The man! I am in tears, those lips, that body... OH GOD WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

acolyte said...

@ stunuh
Are you talking about Terry Mcmillan's body ama the ex husband?

Irena said...

Wooiii this is so true! My town I hear is full of DLs ,now am even afraid when I date. How would one tell a dude is on DL?.Rememeber how the real life of "How Stella got her Groove back" The Jamaican dude turned to be gay after all...

acolyte said...

@ Irena
Unless I am wrong arent chics super adept at spotting gay dudes?then in that case if you feel some sorta gay vibes from your date you bounce!