Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Caveat Emptor!

Since a few bloggers here and there have done posts about what they will not put up with when it comes to dating, I have done one about what ladies who choose to date me will have to get used to. I come as I am so buyer beware as the saying goes!

1. Quit Trying To Change Me, It Won't Work!
There are certain things I have been doing for 20 plus years and they give me favourable results and I will continue to do them. My mother tried for those 20 plus years and she failed so please don't even waste your time. I am not a project, I will change on my own timetable!
So I will continue to sleep with music playing in the background penda usipende!

2. I Don't Do Church
Many budding romances have been brought to a grinding halt by myself when these words have been uttered, "Let me take you to church!"
I always think a "No Thanks," should be enough of an answer. Start asking why and a long discussion that will inevitably lead to arguement will follow, it also doesnt help that I am not as ignorant about christianity as most people would think. If I wanted my soul "saved" I don't need a date to do it, not to add the fact that some of the so called church going folk I know have more issues than I do.

3. You snooze, You lose
When it comes to women, most of the time I have a short attention span. So if I'm trying to get with you and you act the fool by listening to your single bitter pal by playing hard to get to the max don't act surprised when I move on.
As the saying goes, there isn't only one fish in the sea.

4. Me Time
Many women think that once you get with them, that you should turn your schedule upside down to accomodate them. I will accomodate you but there are things that remain sacred (unless it is an emergency).
One of these things is me time.
There are certain set times of the week when I prefer to be alone and do my own thing. More often than not it's something relaxing like watching Smallville/ Heroes/ the 4400/ Ultimate Knockouts/ Champions League while drinking a cold beer. During this time I unwind and think of the nature of the universe and my place in it.

5. I Don't Like Kids
Many women I date think that since I am of marrying age I should have some sort of paternal instinct going. After looking at the bland expression on my face when they point out how cute a child is, they get the point real soon, real fast!
This doesn't mean that I go around stomping kids, I think that kids are a blessing especially when other people are blessed with them!

6. I Don't Do Long Phone Calls
I have often heard of chics talking about talking to their boyfriends for hours on end, I dont do that at all. I think it is the result from coming from a country where pre-paid cell phone charges were through the roof and the fact that I tend to be straight and to the point.
My conversations tend to revolve around the following who, when, where, why and how. The only time I go out of my time to stretch conversations is if you are out of state or country and even then I use a hands free so I can do something with my hands.
So if I dont spend hours on the phone with you, don't disappointed. I prefer face to face conversations

7. I Don't Play Games
I am sure most guys have been in those situations where you ask your chic what is wrong and they give you the usual "nothing!"
You know what I will act like it is nothing and life will go on. I have been in such and when the volcano blew, I looked up innocently and said, "I asked you and you said nothing so life went on."
I am just waiting for a mama to put me on the bilas diet, she will discover she is dealing with a man who gets on the bilas train willingly!
The only people who should be bembelezwad are children! We are both adults and should be able to communicate in a mature manner.

8. Your Pals Are Your Pals
Just because I am dating you doesn't mean that I will agree with the Spice Girls song, "If you want to be my lover, you gotta get with my friends..."
I will make an effort to get along with your friends but at the end of the day they are your friends so don't expect Aco to be going out for nights with your gals. It doesnt work like that for me. Your pals are your pals and my pals are my pals.

9. I Expect You To Keep A Clean House
No this isn't some sort of sexist request. If you read my blog you do know about my dirty sink phobia, one that is being set on edge by room mates who leave dishes in the sink and another who decides to wash her face in the bathroom sink without washing her ring of dirt while at the same time having the same aversion to deo that a vampire has to holy water.
Other than that I make an effort to keep a clean house (nothing covered by dust) and I expect a woman I am with to do the same.
Besides if you can't keep your house clean, it brings up doubts about your personal hygiene.

10. I Am Not A Sugar Daddy
Time and again Kenyan chics abroad have complained about how Kenyan men are stingy because they wont help them pay their bills. If that is what is construed as generosity than call me scrooge!
I will buy gifts, I will take you out to dates and pay the tab most of the time till we reach the going dutch stage but your bills are your bills. If something goes wrong and you can't pay, I will give a hand. But don' t think you can go buckwild at Bed Bath and Beyond or present me with your tuition tab and think that Aco will foot that bill.
Once you start eating into my finances in a big way, I will dump you like a hot rock! I'm sorry but that's how it is in Aco world.

11. I Am An Undercover Geek / Nerd
I am on the cutting edge when it comes to most tech developments, I have over 4 e-mail addresses, I am a member of more websites and forums I can count, I watch cartoons and watch lots of fantasy (Lord of the Rings) and Sci Fi Movies (Superman Returns).
Not to say that my life revolves around them but I do more than the usual guy thing of watching sport (which I also do) and drinking beer (which I also do).
I also try and keep up with what is going on around the world so I expect to have someone who I can converse with about such things (Walmart is not a place where tools for fixing Walls are sold!).
There is more to communication than chatting and gossip.

12.I Have A Somewhat Big Ego
I don't think I am better than everyone else but I do have a big opinion when it comes to me and that makes me sound arrogant.
After all if I dont believe in myself who will? As a result I find it hard to put up with people who have poor self esteem. All my life I have found that I am my best source of encouragement so I keep at it most of the time.
It also doesn't help that I am sarcastic most of the time!

You have been warned, so dont be shocked to find yourself in the following scenario;

Girl : Aco, I think you should start wearing trousers like this (shows latest whackass popular design)
Aco: (looks up) Maybe some other time
Girl: (frowns) Okay. What are you doing tommorrow? Let's go for evening service!
Aco: I'm sorry, that's personal time for me besides I don't do church unless someone is being dispatched up or downstairs.
Girl: (frowns even more) Aco! You are so hard headed! (storms out in anger)
Aco: (chases after girl) Stop, what's wrong?!
Girl: Hmph!! Nothing! I'm going home!
Aco: Okay, drive safe (waves with broad smile on face)
Girl: Drives off.

3 hours later Girl's phone rings.
Aco: Hi
Aco:How are you? Did you get to where you were going?
Girl: (bland voice) Yeah......(expects Aco to begin grovelling)
Aco:So any big plans?
Girl: Yeah, we are going to see Angie's new baby with the girls. Do you want to come? (expects Aco to say yes to make up for it)
Aco: I may have to take a rain check but I'll see about a gift.
Girl: Uh ok (sounding kinda pissed off)
Aco: I have to go, have fun!
Girl: WTF? (wondering why the convo was so brief)

Fast Forward 1 week later
Girl: Thanks for dinner Aco.
Aco: You're welcome and thank you for the company.
Girl: Ah by the way I am going back to school in the next 2 weeks (sidles over to Aco)
Aco: (in typical man fashion oblivous of what is going to happen) That's cool at least you'll be done soon!
Girl: but there is one small thing that I need from you.
Aco: Okay, shoot!
Girl: Could you give me $4,000 for school fees?
Aco: I thought you were working?
Girl: I was but you know how expensive it is being me.
Aco: (raises left eyebrow ala The Rock) Seems it is, sorry but I don't have that kind of money lying around.
Girl: Please Aco, I am sure you can find something.
Aco: Would you look at the time? I need to be in bed.

Epilogue: The relationship ended with Aco being accused of all the faults above plus being a typical stingy Kenyan man.
So for those of you who try to get with The Acolyte you have been warned!


Aegeus said...


Brilliant post man!

I totally agree with Numbers
1, 3, 4 (Top gear, CSI, etc)
5, (I like them so long as I can give them back)
6, (handsfree rocks, seeing as there is network in only one room of my house, depends on how important you are to keep me away from what I was doing for so long)
7. Preach preacher!
9. Leave my house how you found it or in better condition. Ditto on the rest. If her diggs is spotless - points for the chick,
10, 11, nix the beer,
12. Opinionated, know it all and arrogant when I think I am right. Nix the sarcasm. Cue dry humour.

Poor girl did not know what hit her! ROTFL

StackOfStiffys said...

@Aegeus: Count yourself lucky man!

@Acolyte: Your post is really brilliant. I agree with you on most of the points. Why should she try and change you? You cannot teach an old dog new tricks, and yet women always give this a shot. I also don't do church and apart from a few weddings the last time I went to church TO PRAY was someyime in 1997! Cherch clergy just tire me with their selfrighteous sermons and prescriptions of what is best for you. Sometimes you just have to play along if she is playing hard to get man! At least I do, that's where we differ. and I just love kids...

Do you think you can tag all of us guys to do a similar post then you can give us a score?

egm said...

Refreshing! Number 5 is one I experienced just this past weekend. Someone said that it was time I started thinking of settling down and getting kids, but I said I did not have that as a priority. They looked at me like I was from Andromeda.

I, too, have been categorized as someone to whom the word stubborn does not come close to describing how I am.

Number 7, Amen!

Made for a good read this morning!

Movie Buff said...


That is all Im going to say!

Udi said...

lol. Even me when it comes to simu, I get allergic after a while. never in my life have I been asked to go to church. and I am sure that will never happen since i wake up just before game time on sundays

bomseh said...

you couldn't be more right. waambie waelewe. it sums up all my thoughts especially about the church thing and the hours on end calls.

makanga said...

"8. Your Pals Are Your Pals
Just because I am dating you doesn't mean that I will agree with the Spice Girls song, "If you want to be my lover, you gotta get with my friends...""

Aint nuthing wrong with a lil menage!

Joe said...

LOL acolyte and that is why you are still single lol.with age you will learn to bend a little. thats just my view(its not an attack)-

*The school fees one unless there was a wedding is completely out of the question.
*when a woman picks out clothes for you its not a bad thing if its done once in like two seasons but what i cant get is what were you doing with her shopping.shopping with women is a big no! no!.let her pick out the clothes when you are not there.

best of lark- knowing women some woman out there now probably want you now just to change you

ps:people who go to church definately have issues -thats why we go to church coz some issues can only be solved by The Lord .

mocha! said...

LOL...at the scenarios.

Your points actually sum-up what most men are thinking. Its a shame chics don't nyita as they should.

Thanks for the heads up....!!!

SisBigBones said...

Aco, I finally pay you a visit. I love your matter-of-fact writing. There are three things I particularly agree with: Don't try to change someone, don't think the person you're dating should stop living their life so that their schedule revolves around you and last, I don't have to get along with ANY of your friends.

Princess said...

Nicely written Aco. So I agree with No. 9...please keep a clean house and don't try and trash mine either. I agree with 10..don't expect me to pay your bills..read my post on freeloaders. No . 7 about no games is brilliant..I think more relationships would work if everyone took heed of this one. No. 4 regarding the "Me Time" is essential.

nyadhi said...

hehehe!!!!! at the scenarios! a guy too funny...even that chile has jaribud ati 4k for school fees!...ambition to the highest degree...i agree with you on some issues but remember there is a thin line between arrogance and taking a stand and sticking by it...

Rista said...

Aco ebu get serious. Ati a chile expects you to saidia with her fees?? Noooo. You must be joking. When did things come to this? Ebu spray doom in your 'acquaintance closet' and get rid of suchalike kind of people.

Rista said...

Just found the most appropriate response to 1: "If I accept you as you are, I will make you worse; however if I treat you as though you are what you are capable of becoming, I help you become that"-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Kenyanchick said...

Ha ha! Excellent post! If I ever ask a man for money I expect my friends to do us all a favour and shoot me.

Now, Aco: ati you quoted a Spice Girls song? You're not - ever - supposed to admit you've even heard their music! In fact (with tears of laughing streaming down my face) I demand you remove this post. This time you've gone too far!

Shiroh said...

Great post!

I dont understand why gal wants you to pay school fees, Kwani you are her father, ok that one..isss a go no zone

Church,,well we wouldnt agree on that one, and i will not force you either so that leaves us totally incompatible

Me time, Great but obviously when it is everyday then there is something so wrong.

I have over 4 email addresses too,, does that make me a fellow geek? Uuhh

Sarcasm, don't like it that one. No...

I will not change your life, i will not try.

But for my man, i might require you to dress well. Not gangsta mode like you are talking about.

Picture this, you know is going for an interview the following day, he picks up the most inappropriate suit, ooh well i got to tell you, with that suit you lose. If you know what i mean

donworry said...

Very good post. Honesty's gotto be the best policy, right from the outset.

I think the only problem with human relationships is that they involve humans.

Look at all the health warnings on a pack of fags.....people take up smoking everyday.

There will always be a woman who feels that she can change a man....

Όstalgia said...

outstanding!.. you speak for me... i like kids though, especially when they happen to be my neighbours.

The Devious One said...

Loool...one question Aco..where do you get this mamas who are so oblivious ?
lol !

Anonymous said...

hehe agree - but me i dont even buy gifts and all bills are shared except if i really know you

Chatterly said...

That chick who wants school fees from you, kwani you are the dad? eish and she works? hehehe now that is crazy shit.

why would a woman want to change a man? kwani she hasnt got a life of her own to mess around with? surely!

Girl next door said...

Hilarious post! It's great that you know yourself so well. There are many chics and guys who want to take over your life when you date them. It's better to recognize irreconcilable differences before committing to each other.

Ichiena said...

I have printed this out and put it up on my wall, "12 reasons I dont date Martians".

@egm: Where is ANDROMEDA?