Monday, October 30, 2006

Won't Give Head

Time and again I have read post after post disparaging Kenyan men for some reason or other when it comes to sexual issues. But the last straw that broke the punda's back is this head issue. I share a lady's joy when she gets a good licking to keep her ticking of romance novel porpotions but something has to be said; there are different strokes for different folks ( pun intended).

It seems to some that most Kenyan men can do no good in bed to please their sexual goddesses. Let's call a spade a spade and not a big spoon because there are some sisters throwing enough wood to deforest Karura for the next 10 years out there too. These are the ones I am calling out, if you don't find yourself mentioned then don't jump down my throat.

First of all it's true that many a mama has had to go through "hairy, soggy, salty balls and stinky dicks" to please her man but many Kenyan chics can't be held as icons for genital hygiene too. The reason why some men don't give head is because they once decided to visit the basement only to be hit by noxious fumes that are strong enough to put an elephant to sleep. Some decided that despite that they would soldier one but one dude close to me who narrated his ordeal,
" My guy! Things were narrow! I would rather swim through a pool of sewage with my mouth open then give head again! That was just a puno! Wacha ikae!"
So ladies some of you have to do something about working conditions down there ama you wont get anything soon! There are plenty of wonderful feminine hygiene products out there and it wouldn't hurt to use them.

While we are talking about oral pleasure we might as well hit on some Kenyans mamas prediliction for turning this into an excercise in agony when they try to return the favor. If you cant give good head then dont even try it. It isnt much fun when mr johnson comes out of a chic's mouth with a complete dental impression that the police can use to make a dental mould from if said chic goes missing the next day.
Here's a tip, practice on a carrot. If you can leave it unscathed (no tooth marks)you can then move onto human beings. After one traumatic session it is no wonder that many Kenyan men won't give head at all!

Halafu with some mamas it is like trying to find a bottle top in the Amazon forest, way too much foliage! A pal of mine once tried to give head and spent the next one week coughing up hairballs! I mean if you are expecting a plane you may as well clear the runway otherwise the pilot will just circle around and land his plane elsewhere!

Let's not forget about those mamas whose coochies have seen more traffic then Langata Rd during the Super Soul on December 31st. Shagging these mamas is like throwing a sausage down a corridor, a complete waste of time! Kegels ladies, Kegels! Whether you like it or not, high mileage has an effect on performance so maintenance is in order otherwise the morning after despite your earlier pretences of purity and innocence the night before we'll know what the deal is.

There are few let downs like meeting a chic who is dressed to kill, taking her home undressing her only for the mood to be killed by her underwear. I know they may seem comfortable but during times of action, the mother's union panties aka bakuli ngothas, the big white matronly bras and the cotton grandma nightgowns need to left in the back of the closet at home! Those are complete passion killers! One look at them is enough to do to a man's libido the only thing that you should be doing in such underwear, sleeping!

Onto an irritating habit women have, the good old blow by blow commentating and analysis of a man's performance. This isn't to say that men dont blab, but when they do it's pretty general ie;

John: Mike! Wsup! I hear you shagged Janet last weekend! How was it?

Mike: It wasn't mbaya, that mama has an even more timam figure bila clothes and her strokes are on point!
John: That's sawa! It seems mambo moved chap chap!
Mike: Not vile, si you jua the way you have to wine and dine a mama, take them out on the town. But she was such good company that I didn't mind having to take her out kibao times before getting any.
John: Did you know that you would kamata that night?
Mike: Bila, I just tuned her kiplani and asked her if she wanted to go to my place and talk kidogo.
John: ehe
Mike: She agreed, so I fikishad her digs. It was a good thing I had just restocked pints this weekend.
John: Ehe
Mike: So I poured her one of those pints that mamas penda so much, we started talking kidogo, I started yellow pages mdogo mdogo halafu strokes anzad.
John: How are her strokes.
Mike" Pretty sawa, she isnt one of those mamas who give you some sloppy kisses ama try to push their tongues down your throat. We caught strokes for a while mpaka I got the feeling she was tayari halafu I carried her to my room. She's one of those light weight mamas that I penda.
John:Who was the shag?
Mike: It was timam! This mama knows how to handle herself, it isn't like those mamas who just lie there waiting for cpr! This one I am going to keep as long as possible!
John: Chief, si u ask her if she has any pals!

While on the other hand listening to some chics talk is like being at a Champion's League post game analysis complete with the chalk board and big screen where every movement is analysed. This is how it goes;

Jill: Hey girl! I heard things went down with Mike over the weekend?
Janet: That doesn't even describe it. Wacha I tell you!
Jill: Ehe!
Janet: He picked me up from my place in the evening and we went for dinner at China Gardens.
Jill: What kind of car does he drive and how was the dinner?
Janet: He drives a very sawa 2001 Subaru Impreza and the dinner was great. He was wearing this very nice gray sweater, black trousers and some very stylish italian shoes. I was impressed. He is also very interesting!
Jill: So did you go clubbing after dinner.
Janet: He took me to Tamambo's afterwards for drinks. I met some of his pals, very nice guys; I think I should ask him to hook you up! (wink, wink) He is also a very good dancer, we danced and when he held me close I smelt his cologne, the dude had class I tell you.
Jill: Ehe, what happened next?
Janet: He suggested we go to his place and talk, I was hoping he meant more then that and from what happened next he did.
Jill: Ebu share details!
Janet: We went to his flat in Westlands so it wasnt a very long drive. He lives in a nice cozy 2 bedroomed place. He knows how to take care of guests, imagine he has amarula, bacardi, champagne, kahawa liquer; you name it and it was there! He poured me a drink and we got comfortable on the couch.
Jill: So what happened after that?
Janet: We talked for a while and in mid sentence he looked deep into my eyes and before I know what happened we had started kissing. There is this way he started touching me mpaka I knew I had to have him there and then!
Jill: Ehe
Janet: Unlike many Kenyan dudes this dude actually knows how to use his hands, not like some other dudes who try to mould my titties like they are plastacine. This dude has a very good hands on approach, ai now I am even starting to get hot again even remembering it!
Jill: So you kamatad on the couch.
Janet: Bila, he carried me to the bedroom. It felt so good feeling his hard chest as he carried me like I weighed nothing, he has a physique to kill for! Either he works out sana or God loves him. He put me on the bed slowly and then started undressing me slowly.
Jill: Ehe
Janet: Unlike some dudes who rush like they are in their own world it was like it was all about me. He was also organised not like that dude whom I decided to gawia halafu we had to spend almost an hour on the highway looking for a place to buy condoms coz this dude was bila. This dude was well and truly organised!
Jill: How was it?
Janet: Roho safi, this dude has strokes! He had me begging for it, my nipples had perked up, my juices were flowing and then he got to it.He took off his last piece of clothing and I got to take a good look at him. Oh my, that dude was well equiped!
Jill: Ehe.
Janet:And then he started moving, slow, shallow, left, right, soft, then deeper and harder and I found myself wiggling and raising my hips to meet him at the half way point. The dude was so good that he had my toes twitching and curling! At that point if he stopped or turned out to be a one minute man I would have killed him because he was hitting all the right spots!
I swear at that point I felt like I have never had such sawa strokes in my life! Halafu there is the way he held me in his arms when we were done that made me feel like I was the luckiest mami in the world!
Jill: Si u ask him if he has any pals like him!
Any resemblance of those characters to people living or dead and past or present situations is unintentional and any semblance is unintended and mistaken

With descriptions like that now you know why some mamas end up stealing their girlfriends boyfriends because you have done for her all the work and given her all the info she needs to work with. While in the case of dudes the info given is so vague that the dude might as well be working with sccratch. Please not that I also cut the chic's narration for the sake of space and also I don't want people to think that
As a dude it isnt too much fun to know that each and every detail of your performance has been disseminated by a group of mamas. So when you meet a your mami's pals and they look at you and smile at each other in a sly manner or start giggling you know the deal!
But on the other hand ladies keep on blogging about it coz in the blogosphere indentities remain well hidden!

Next on the block are the mamas who's idea of sex is to play a corpse and expect your nuts and Mr Johnson to play the role of defibrillator and bring her back to life. When guys have sex they expect it to be a two person effort otherwise they wouldn't have taken time to wine, dine and seduce you but would have stayed at home and watched porn and self serviced themselves. This trend is so bad with some Kenyan chics that some tribes' chics have been pointed out with excelling at such misbehaviour.
I' m sorry but sex isnt one of those uni courses where attendance is 100% of the grade, participation counts too and if you don't want to then don't bother showing up at all!

I could say more but I think I have said enough. Fact remains that if Kenyan dudes have dropped the ball in one part of the field, so have Kenyan chics. Question is, are the concerned parties going to do anything about it?
Acolyte runs and dives into bunker waiting for fall out from irate individuals.
ps: I know I owed ya'll a Friday post. Sadly I'm all out of Pulse Pics. I have to see if I can get any new pics. Mea Culpa, mea maxima culpa.


Anonymous said...

So Aco, you are hitting at several sections, I will address this one. Ambia guys that there are women whose trip to down under will not leave you feeling like rotten eggs-bleery 'ell!

I am proud to say that for all the women who receive a regular southern experience, we are happy! (read smile from ear to ear!!!)

Head is not dead!

kadinya said...

despite having read the whole post twice, i am still the first one here. wapi StackOfStiffys? i can't agree more with Aco. he's hit all the right points i have nothing more to add, xcept that us men really care for clean working environments.

acolyte said...

@ Anon
Ah good to know that at least you dont feel I am hitting out ovyo ovyo. I am sure there are mamas with impeccable hygiene down stairs and to them I give a big thumbs up!
@ kadinya
Congrats coz it was a long post to be honest!
Some work environments are honestly life threatening I tell you!

bomseh said...

lol. this is a funny post. touches everything, not biased and it is the truth and nothing but the truth. to go down on a zulu is unthinkable. these mamas never heard of the word 'douche'. they french bathe everyday. they are just lucky they have fair complexion. that beside the point, i once tried to tickle the navel of a zulu chick and i almost chocked on the fumes from cuntville. i'll wait for my trip back home to give head. so big up kenyan ladies. one point goes to most of you.

jean said...

The blog rocks....very true indeed.Keep 'em coming

Prousette said...

A fair version of truth has been recorded here.

Bottom line is we both care for clean working environments.

A southern experience is to die for especially for the girls, as anon says above.

pikachu said...

you sound adorable!

Aegeus said...

This post is right on point! Clean and manicured plumbing is essential for the well being of the participants.

The kegels - nescesary. You need to know how to work them, man, they can take you places. (After strange looks from neighbours one morning, hmm...)

Fitness is also another factor you may not have mentioned. It beats the purpose when you have mounted (male or female) and can't take it to the finish line since you start sweating and panting like you are running the marathon in half an hour!

Anonymous said...

yawn*all this talk know what they say about talk..............yawn*

Udi said...

LMAO- So on point daddy. I told some mamas once that they lose their jamaas to their friends coz they unleash all their storos as if its an episode of Oprah.

Archer said...

Aco kweli umed*nya point kama kawaida!

LOL @ "mamas whose coochies have seen more traffic then Langata Rd during Super Soul on December 31st. Shagging these mamas is like throwing a sausage down a corridor!"

Kenyan guys and chics can do no right when it comes to dealing with each other. There will always be something to criticise.

If a mama gives wack head (or vice versa) why cant you just tell her straight up (in a nice way though) that he/she's doing it wrong, then proceed to show how it's done. It's better then letting them mess up then dissing them with your pals the next day. Sexual skills are learnt, sometimes the hard way. They are definitely now inherited.

The mamaz who piss me off the most are those who when you're flirting, they talk dirty about all the nasty things they want to do to/with you, then when you finally get a room it's a total anticlimax. The mama jumps out of her clad, lies on the bed like Nando's chicken and says "it's yours. Come and get it." What the braddy hell?

As for giving mamaz head, I've been accused of not doing that simply by virtue of being a Kenyan man. Guys can know a chic who looks after herself well just by looking at her. The one and only time I ever ventured down south was with a very msafi mama, very classy, the ones you jua you can dare go down on. Wacha I got hit by some serious stench! Two minutes into the ordeal I puked! End of story. Huko sirudi tena!

I agree entirely with Bomseh about zulu mamaz (add xhosa mamaz to the list) Those mamaz are filthy. F.I.L.T.H.Y!! Yaani I have to give mad props to Kenyan mamaz. These ones don't bother to shave either armpits or elsewhere. Can't invest in a decent perfume or even body oil that costs more than 15 rand. The cheap ones that linger in the air for like 10 monutes after the mama had pitad. And there's nothing as repelling or disgusting as a chic who cannot take good care of herself.

Lemme shut up now before I take over your blog!

Nakeel said...

Hitting the nail direct.
Both parties have to hold high degree of sanity and care for good plays which will call for replays.

Amber said...

Kegels.. yes, for all you mamas out there, these are a must,especially after the baby(ies). But you guys have to teach us how, carrots do not have much on the real thing for practice. And please put your hands behind your backs if necessary, not on thwe mamaa's head, if she needs directions she will ask.
Nice post, we do not have enough fora for fairly open, non-porno non-poser discussion of this nature. Keep going!

curiousity said...

Shouldn't these kind of conversations be reserved for the married and licenced? Just curious...

Princess said...

Hygiene is definitely a two way street.

kelitu said...

Let's not forget about those mamas whose coochies have seen more traffic then Langata Rd during the Super Soul on December 31st. Shagging these mamas is like throwing a sausage down a corridor, a complete waste of time!
Yaani Aco you have made my morning! I had to wipe tears bana!

On the issue of head, i agree with Amber. I don't like when the dude is soo engrossed when getting blowed that he grabs the back of my head and pushes it further down....WTH?! Gag reflex can only work for soo long...eish! And besides i paid good money for the weave!

Quintessence said...

interesting and true..ladies (and gents alike)...keep it clean and trim man...try a brazillian

waridi said...

Yaani Acolyte...........bila words, i have chekad mpaka peeps at jobo are wondering if am going mad. That part of chiles describing everything was just too funny!
And it is true, chicks do go into great detail about such things. Which is fun by the way, at times it does help to compare notes with your buddies coz you might pick up tips and tricks.

Cant use handle or will be exposed said...

You are RIGHT. My ex was all over the place.

She would not always shave the area but for me to do my best I need a clean landing strip. Coughing hairballs for a week? So true!

And shave kabisa. Sometimes it felt like a stiff hairbrush.

Even worse was the smell. Kwani si you can
1) Not pee just before the sex?
2) Douche?
3) Give the guy a break during your period?

will give head 4 food said...

Aco you have hit the nail on the head vizuri. I respect women who take care of themselves ... it adds so much value to "associating" with them.

And someone needs to tell me why chiles these days just lie back and receive ... kwani hawajui ati guys also want to lie back and receive??

bomseh said...

another thing is ovesized panties. those that overlap over the jeans. yuck. not a site to behold. not sexy at all.

hehee, @ Archer, haven't sampled a Xhosa yet. when i get 20 rand to spare i'll definitely have's not like i'll pay for it directly, KFC take away will just do. it always does.

amber said...

@ curiousity, to a certain extent yes, however the assumption then is that when one gets married, they get a crash course on "how to do it right/ creatively and other tips" Since that is noy the case, I think these discussions are healthy for anyone who can live within their personal convictions and still participate.

gishungwa said...

well said, well echoed, now get out of the bunker.
ps: word verification, ennaf LOL

mocha! said...

LOL....I can see you used my 'bakuli pants' description. TIHIHIHIHIHI!!!

Aki you have tombad that point vizuri.

It is so true what you have said, kwanza the bit of chics giving the full 411 about the jamaaz they are shagging. Makes you wonder why the dude proposes to the pal and not her (in some cases).

Sexual encounters are a two way street.

Nice one Aco...nice one!

bankelele said...

Good points; Reminds me of that early Sopranos episodes where Tony's jokes about how Uncle Jun "developed a taste for his gumar" (after the tale been passed on among all the wives) resulting an attempt on his life

The future diplomat said...

aki, you have dinyad point kabisa on this post. funny about the desciption.

Girl next door said...

Your descriptions are so funny (and true). Women do get caught up in details, sometimes it's because they wanna learn what to do (or what not to do) for maximum pleasure in bed. Everyone needs to get trimmed or waxed, and maintain hygiene.

bantutu said...

Aki that girl-talk had me rolling!! Na malefa wote wa-wai douche ama wasahau vichwa....and YES!! "don mess with my mi-tym"...Aco Umedunga point

Itchie Geezy said...

Wazi Acolyte,now you're dropping it like its really hoat.Manze these(not all) chicks should have known better,it definately is traumatising to go to bed with a'corpse'.Manze wans again kudos for tacklin that in with your horsepower full in charge.

Rista said...

"I've just checked out this on BJ's blog, and am still choking with laughter. Aco, check it out, the appropriate response/support to your beef. Enyewe, it is just so much simpler to do right. But simplicity, flimpicity... right?

Miss said...


SisBigBones said...

Yaani I don't know how I missed this one. Great post aco, now I would like to request permission to send this to a certain person I know that's forever bitching about Kenyan dudes (and I'm serious)

DeTamble said...

That's a lot of detail! I've never given that much detail in my life!!
My version of detail is:
"I met a boy at the bus stop. He was cute so we shagged behind the lectern of an empty lecture theatre. You should check out the bruises I got. It was so much FUN!!'

Does this make me less of a girl because I don't detail sufficiently?

Or maybe you just think girls give each other more details than we really do?

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