Thursday, April 12, 2007

Problems, Powers and Porn...



After reading Dorothy's blog where she gave her account of living with domestic abuse and commentors added their own experiences, I strongly feel that such billboards should be put up and some sort of awareness/education began. But at the end of the day that is all I can say about the issue, because I don't know what goes on behind closed doors and in people's heads. Anyway my meager knowledge is useless when it comes to this issue, any suggestions people?

Anyway onto more humorous matters! I came across a few of the many testaments to Chuck Norris' manliness online and I have to share them.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, some of Chuck Norris'
sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus
Prime.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating
pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Chuck Norris' wristwatch has no numbers on it. It just says, "Time to
kick ass! "

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck
Norris will not take sh_t from anyone.

Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't
real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just
entered a world with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris crossed the road. Nobody has ever dared question his
motives.

Those really cracked me up!

Since I have given my PSA it is now time for a funny piece I found on one of my all time fave soccer blogs! Yes soccer.......


30 things learnt from watching porn


1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy in bed.
11. People in the 70's couldn't f*** unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses suck patient's cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before f***ing the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
26. Assholes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
29. Men don't have to beg.
30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

Yes The Acolyte has just saved you from having to learn the hard way, so don't take me fore granted. An attempt at serious blogging will resume tomorrow

24 comments:

Movie Buff said...

Who is first?

YEAH... u best recognize.... Jon B's baby mama


Anywho.... That chuck norris thing is sorta like the jack bauer thing people have been sending out....
difference is, jack bauer [sutherland] atleast can act.

YES, I said it.... WHAT?

Acolyte said...

@ movie buff
Other than deliver a side kick and round house, Chuck can't act for shit!
So I agree with you on that!

aegeus said...

I was thinking first was mine!

aegeus said...

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
That one KILLED!

Aco nice post man. ROTFL!

Majonzi said...

On domestic violence-- we have to listen. I knew so many people back home who were from such families, but are too secretive about it.

Who is Chuck Norris? j/k

Lola Gets said...

Acolyte - come to a sex party; youll learn a lot more there! lol
L

Jo said...

Acolyte...you have contributed to a rise in percentage of dudes who will now go and watch a porn flick after reading your post.Cliches notwithstanding...

You played a significant role in the world today!Well...somebody's world anyway...now go to sleep!

Dorothy said...

Acolyte.....a picture does speak a thousand words. Thank you for spreading the word. Asante

/d

3N said...

LMAO on the porno flick recount

On the domestic violence issue, I hope our generation will bring the problem more in the open and address it.

Klara said...

That Pix says alot! Big Ups 4 that! Have always wondered the same!What goes on in s/one's mind when u hurt ur family??
As a kid I too used 2 adore Chuck Norris! Until I got older n Understood it was all Fictional! LOL!
30 what?? RONFL

SisBigBones said...

I don't know how anyone can mention domestic abuse and porn on the same post, but you pulled it off...LOL

As for the domestic abuse, I think the biggest problem is the stigma attached to coming out and talking about it. After all, ours is a very patriarchal society and for the most part, women are expected to endure the abuse for the sake of keeping the family unit together. In some cases, a little abuse is actually considered as a sign of love from the man. There are many factors that contribute to this issue and I obviously can't exhaust them. But, part of the solution needs to be in education and reducing stigma.

As for your porn flicks, this one cracked me up:

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

Kelitu said...

Aco, i'm sooo bored i'm blogging my comments.Thanx

1. Women wear high heels to bed. Unless it's a water bed.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory. Who said that?!

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
OH HELL NO!!

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
And i will immeadiately wipe it off my face and splat you right back...now smile!!

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
Oh hell No!! And wiring $20M to my account before hand and wearing a brown paper bag over you head still won't make me touch you with a 10-inch pole!!

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob. LOL!Why is that?!!

8. Women always orgasm when men do. Really?!!

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket. I'm afraid to try it out.

10. All women are noisy in bed. Well, it's either my soundtrack or your heavy breathing and ...wait..are those crickets chirping?!!

11. People in the 70's couldn't f*** unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background. What about those sickos who need to hear preaching in the background...creepy!1

12. Those tits are real. Said the plastic surgeon.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
Let someone try it...it will turn into a full-on slap-fest.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum. LOL! True, true. Why is that?!!

15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
Thank God i never did coke in college!

16. Double penetration makes women smile. Under intense review...

17. Asian men don't exist. Who?!

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
Who actually tried this out and lived to tell?

19. There's a plot. To have sex right?!

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt. Oh Hell yeah!! LOL!

21. Nurses suck patient's cocks. The male nurses too?!!

22. Men always pull out. They do?! Mmmh.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before f***ing the both of you.
No!! I will grab the kitchen knife and f*** you both!

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it". Why do they say that? LOL!

26. Assholes are clean. After a colonic.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned. Ha! NEVER!!

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there. Coz it feels like christmas morning everytime.

29. Men don't have to beg. Is that before or after he has had me in a headlock?

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip. LOL! Again i ask...why?!

savante said...

Ah, poor chuck norris, our Mr Invincible! :P

Bomseh said...

SisBigBones is right. How did you pull it off?

Acolyte said...

@ aegeus
Yes 28 cracked me up to!
@ majonzi
I hope people do listen and I do hope even more that people do something about it.
@ lola
Ill only come if I get to watch and not perform!
@ jo
Well I think some people need to get out and learn these things first hand.
@ dorothy
You are most welcome!
@ 3n
I too hope the same thing!
@ klara
I too would like to get into the head of one of these men.
Chuck was a hoot way back when.
@ sisbigbones
With lots of tact and skill it can be done!
I do think that stigma is the biggest part of it and it still is an issue even here in the States; there are so many issues that are part of it like you just said.
Yes number 20 is a good lesson for the people.
@ savante
Lol, he's got a rep and a half doesnt he?
@ bomseh
Tact my good man, tact!

Acolyte said...

@ Kelitu
You have gone out of your way to analyse every point!
1. Who are these women? Can you introduce me?
3. The Director, that's who!
5. So no money shots for you huh?
6. Please explain Ron Jeremy for me in that case.
7. Unlike many Kenyan women, they must enjoy it and are doing it right; yes that was a low blow!
11. Once again, who are these people?!
13. Speaking from experience?
14. Speaking from experience?
18. It's called a combi.
23. And to think I thought it really happens.
30. It's called good posture!

mocha! said...

Domestic violence is just WRONG!

Ati Chuck Norris killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff....LMAO!!! Talk about first bodi! TIHIHIHIHI!

#19 of the porn lessons....HILARIOUS! I guess when 'you and I' do it (not literally), its wam bam thank you mum type scenario! TIHIHIHIHI!

KIPUSA said...

walala kuna vile the 30 lessons have made me laugh. I have never thot about it in that way.

Odegle said...

i agree its lil strange to have porno and domestic violence on one page! i thot porno was the greatest form of violence against women ever known to man.

Acolyte said...

@ Mocha
I guess you learn something new every day!
@ Kipusa
Nice to have helped open up your mind!
@ Odegle
That is a common misconception. As long as the actors are adults and perform by their own free will, it's all good!

Prousette said...

I recently heard a man make a comment that made me wince "Men nowadays do not know how to beat women that is why they end up with injuries and deaths when couples fight"

It is time for education right from the cradle to teach both boys and girls not to beat each other.

Porn is the number one reason why we have a very high number of sexually dissatisfied women and an equal number of men thumping their chests all over the place because they applied the lessons 1-30.

#14 does it apply to men who speak other languages other than English?

#10 the operating phrase being "to bed" and not inside the bedclothes.

#16 if you cannot tell the difference between a grimace and a smile, then yes.

gishungwa said...

Thanks for the link to Dorothy.Am with prou, mothers need to train tie boys that its not right to hit girls and all.
LOL at chuck norris.

Girl next door said...

I also read the comments on Dorothy's blog (but did'nt comment). Sadly, none of them were too surprising. Domestic violence is too common and yet another one of those things our society prefers to ignore until a death occurs because it's somehow "culturally" justified. There's no simple solution.

Had a teacher who kinda looked like Chuck Norris. For real.

Wow, the things we learn from porn....

kayliz said...

This was a god laugh, thanks. As I always say, porn is beneficial to all parties. Here, we learn 30 *important* lessons.