Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Jacob Zuma!For crimes against mankind...

All rise!Hear Ye Ye Presenting to you the Judge of the Man Tribunal...Lord Acolyte!
Lord Acolyte:Thank you!Please seated.What case do the Man Tribunal and I have before us.
Tribunal Prosecutor:We have before us Jacob Zuma, who is to answer for various crimes against the institution of Manliness in the world.
Zuma Defence;We the defence put forward that the honorable Zuma has no case to answer for being a man and doing what men do!
The crowd begins to whisper to themselves.......
Lord Acolyte:Mr Prosecutor sir, please begin the charges
Tribunal Prosecutor:Thank you my Lord.The first charge is for thinking that because he is a man of high standing in his community it behooves every woman in his presence to meet his material and sexual needs as has been seen by his alleged rape case being decided in another court at this time.He has also orchestrated the harassement of the lady in question!
Zuma:Young man keep quiet!Women must be satisfied by men like me!In the Zulu culture you cannot just leave a woman when she is ready!To deny her sex is tantamount to rape!(Actual words by Zuma!)
Zuma Defence:I object!We must all eat!
Lord Acolyte:Objection over-ruled!Continue with the charges!
Tribunal Prosecutor:Second charge is of using his political position to take bribes instead of to benefit the general public thus putting the name of all men in leader ship in ill repute.
Crowd gets very animated with jeers from the women in the court room

Lord Acolyte:Defence!Keep your client silent!I will call on him if he is to speak if need be!
Tribunal Prosecutor:The third charge is that of total and utter stupidity by thinking that a shower would prevent him from catching HIV.This kind of logic from a man who was a deputy president none-the-less!
Zuma:But I used the soap my sangoma gave me!
Lord Acolyte:Gives Zuma a withering glare that makes him slump in his seat meekly.
Zuma Defence:Your Lordship!I must bring it to your attention that Mr Zuma spent 10 years in jail for the freedom struggle, that should be worth some major man points!
Lord Acolyte:Given that this is the man tribunal that carries some weight here!
Zuma Defence:As regards the so called rape accusation, how can a woman come and be a man's guest and not be satisfied?It is the man's responsibilty to meet her needs and for her to yield!Even if she must be convinced!Zuma sits up in his chair smiling broadly
The crowd on the other hand is filled with angry murmurs and jeers
Lord Acolyte:Silence from the crowd!Continue!
Zuma Defence:As regards the charge of bribery, after his service to the nation isn't Mr Zuma entitled to a piece of the pie and to share that pie with the other men who do what women can't do?That is leading our nation.
Tribunal Prosecutor:Objection!Who said that women can't lead?
Crowd cheers
Lord Acolyte:Objection sustained
Zuma Defence:As for the case of stupidity we all know that a shower after sex with a dirty woman is enough to clean you especially if you use the sangoma soap, it is even more effective then a condom!Zuma nods his large balding head in agreement
Crowd jeers
Zuma Defence:I put it forth that all Zuma's problems are as a result of Western interference and feminists who are trying to destroy the things that have made this country great!
Zuma:Yes yes!Raising his corpulent self to his feet.Women must learn to shut up and stay in the kitchen and the bedroom!They need to know their place and not interfer with men's business!Sits down looking pleased with himself
Crowd gets very agitated and a woman is stopped from jumping over the barrier to attack Zuma
Lord Acolyte:Security, please give that lady a baseball bat and place her as near to the barrier as possible!I cannot allow such inane utterances in my court!I am ready to make my ruling!
Could the Bench rise!
Both Defence and Prosecution Teams get to their feet
Lord Acolyte:For your service to the nation, serving 10 years in jail for the people and looking out for the ordinary men and women by galvanising the trade unions I award you 10,000 man points for each.So now you have 20,000 man points.
Zuma smiles broadly and pats his defence lawyer on the back
Lord Acolyte:But thinking that your status as man allows you to run roughshod over women is going to cost your greatly.Have you no mother,sister or daughters.Minus 15,000 man points!I will let the other court deal with you when it comes to jail time!
Zuma begins to sweat and looks worried
Lord Acolyte:For stealing from everyday South Africans through shady business and thinking that being in the old boys club makes you immune from having to work like everyone else, I deduct a further 10,000 man points!
Zuma begins to turn gray
Lord Acolyte:Mr Zuma you know that South Africa is having a hard time dealing with the AIDS epidemic and that many common people listen to what you say and take their cues from that.For setting back the war against AIDS 10 years, promoting backward tradition and desecrating your postion as an opinion leader MINUS 30,000 Man points!
Crowd goes ecstatic, Zuma's top lip begins quivering
Lord Acolyte:Mr Zuma, It is time that I made my final tally of your man points and make my judgement from that.You have 20,000 man points but for your actions that have gone against the man code and cost you 55,000 man points!It is about time that you learned that as a man that you may have great power and standing but that doesnt give you carte blanche to do as you please.Women are not sex slaves,second class citizens or your chattel.The tribunal orders the revokation of your membership to the old boys club, strips you of your standing!Leave your supply of testosterone and your balls with the guard.You have forfeited your right to them!Court is adjourned!
All rise for Lord Acolyte!
As Zuma walked out of the court house in tears a baseball was seen approaching the back of his head with great velocity......
This satire is based on this story.I am not gifted in commentary or opinion but that doesn't mean that I am making light of this serious situation!Ya'll should know that Aco respects the rights of the ladies.
Have a man-tastic day!


Msanii_XL said...

Yaani this man left me speechless

he should just curtail his ambitions, the little crediblity he had left is gone,

ati I showered, Didn't the defense atleast coach him, This is what happens when wazee's act all knowing read a pamphlet damnit. Sickening Tabias!!

Joseph Walking said...

lol ala the showering madesense to me lol just playing but zuma is one popular guy trust me this trial just makes him even more popular.

Nakeel said...

eeh Aco thats cracking but for Zuma let him forget the Presidential for the learned Xhosa's will never let a Zulu lead in their party however smart he is...

acolyte said...

@ msanii
and we wonder when odieros call us backward coz of idiots like this!
@ joe
much as I want to argue with you it's true that the ppl on the ground still love him!
@ nakeel
Yea tribe is still a big issue in African politics!

Keguro said...

Your honor, I submit that there are many other men who need to be tried in the man court.

I also submit that many should be awarded man points for being good guys!

Your honor, where can I buy sangoma soap? It sounds deadly!

acolyte said...

@ Keguro
My learned colleague, please submit the names of other individuals that you feel need to be tried to my office as soon as possible!
The same goes for those who need to be awarded man points.
As for the sangoma soap I have only heard of it so it seems you will have to look for it yourself!

M.O.C.H.A. said...


By the way, the link does not work. Ebu do something!

acolyte said...

@ Mocha
Link fixed!Now you can read the story!

Prousette said...

One step forward in the right direction in comes Zuma's big mouth and we have gone ten light years behind.
Know how long it will take us to catch up?

Acolyte said...

@ prousette
That's one thing that saddens me coz people actually listen to people like that man!

KenyanMusings said...

Nice post, Aco, and I am with Joe here...all the trila does is seem to make the ass popular, and it is very sad that people sacrifice issues of more importance in the process.

But, I came to say Happy Easter, and God Bless, and keep well....

Acolyte said...

@ KM
Thanks!It's harsh but true!Have yourself a great Easter while we work as usual,damn!

The Devious One said...

LMAO ati a baseball was seen heading his way with great velocity AUUUWIIII he he he he he -
How about someone darts him with some truth serum and that ought to hasten the lengthy trial !!

acolyte said...

@ devious one
For some ppl truth is relative, so I dont think that would help!

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Please fwd it on to your buddies.

acolyte said...

@ Anonymus
Will pass it on!