Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Separating the Men from the boys!

Before starting this post I would like to that all of you that voted for me to be one of the kaybee nominees!Your one and only Acolyte has been nominated in 2 categories; The Best Entertainment Blog and Most Interactive Blogger category ( most likely to leave a comment/email/participate).
As some stars out there said during election time.It's time to rock the vote!If I win any categories I will refund voting expenses (flights abroad do not count!) and prepare a suprise for my readers!Anyway back to business!The vote closes on the 19th of April so get voting people!
I go to the gym around 3-4 times a week (and no I am not a meathead nor do I do steroids - it is just part of the chastity program!)I enjoy working out on most of the machines but there is one piece of equipment I have alot of respect mixed with trepidation towards.The one and only......


Bench Press!

Now why would The Acolyte feel like this towards a Bench Press.Did he have a milo like incident where he crapped on the bench?No!But this is what happened!I am sure all you KBW men passed through the body building stage in High School.This is where you would all look at copies of Flex and Muscle and Fitness for motivation after noticing the Rugby players got all the girls while cowing you into submission with their sheer bulk at the same time.So the plan would be to read all the mags,psyke up,steal your small brother's cerelac(for some reason this stuff was supposed to help you bulk up!) and get hold of a vest from your local open air market (we were to broke to afford a new one from Nairobi Sports house).
So me and my pal strolled our 100 pound frames into the school gym ready to turn ourselves into the next Shawn Rays and Ronnie Colemans.But it wasn't that easy because guess who used to use the gym?
Yes the Rugby players!But they weren't against us using the equipment as long as we went through the initiation exercise!
The initiation was, wait for it........The Bench Press!What the big boys did was to invite me to lie down and put 100 pounds on the bar.As long as I could lift the bar I was good to go.So the ring leader lifted the bar and dropped it gently on my chest.I pushed and pushed but the bar moved only once inch.While at that point in time I was straining with every cell in my body to move it!Nothing!At that point in time the rest of the guys were laughing.They then lifted the bar and told me that I was at least better then some other people who had tried.I thought that no-one could be any worse until my pal got on the bench.
The bar was lowered and he pushed.You see my pal was what you could call a one-upper.So if Aco could move the bar one inch he was aiming for two inches.The boy pushed, beads of sweat began to form on his face and rolled down to the bench, he ground his teeth together like he was one of those who are gnashing their teeth in hell, he then developed vein number 2 (that is the one on the side of the head), then came vein number one( the one in the middle of the forehead that makes you look like an irate psycho), then all the veins in his body began to show till his fingers and toes, his back arched like he was doing the fish yoga posture,he then let out a primal grunt that sounded like a pig being violated by Bubba in a barn in rural Georgia.All that this suceeded in doing was to channel more strength to his right hand so he moved the right part of the bar 2 inches up but on the other side it seemed that his right hand sapped the strength of his left hand so the bar went 4 inches down.Since the bars were jua kali and had no stoppers the plates on the left side hit the ground with a metallic ding leaving 50 pounds on the other side choking him.The ring leader happened to be on hand to lift the bar off his chest but the gym was silent.I turned around; everyone else was had laughed to the point where their lungs had no air so they were lying on the ground with their chests heaving,tears rolling down their eyes, struggling to get the breath back.
Needless to say my pal never went back to the gym and instead discovered another inalienable truth when it comes to women; there is nothing like an ugly man with a big wallet.So he chose that route instead.As for me I did work out for sometime till I found somthing else that peaked my interest.In my return trips to the gym I always know that I am approaching optimum fitness when I am benching.......100 pounds plus (Man law 253 - A man should be able to bench his own body weight - 2004 Man-you-all).I'm just from the gym and I did a set with 100 pounds and guess what?No support needed,no screams,tears,sweat or weights hitting the ground!But I had a flashback the other day, some enterprising lad decided to lift far more then he could, there was a similar scenario sans the screams but since this dude didnt have mono-colored skin like us he turned beet red.I helped him out and gave him that nod that guys give each other that say, "I have been there too and I didn't want to talk about it too" and moved on.
Morale of the story:Respect the Bench Press or she will make you her bitch!Also always have someone spot you in the gym if you are using the Bench!
Now click on the buttons on the right of the page and vote for me will ya!

23 comments:

Joseph Walking said...

I guess you havent been to my blog all day or guess's blog . congrats on the nomination but i can reliably tell you.you wont win.there is a list circulatating and aco your not on it-remember saitoti and kanu nominations more- your slot has already been awarded to someone else. more revelations later.

The Devious One said...

Congrats meathead loool !
U areone of those dudes who have the Men's health and Flex mags stacke dup high in your bafu as a source of entertainment when you're relieving thyself.

PS
From time to time I bet some pages have gone missing coz a certain someone ( you ) forgot to pitia Walmart and buy toilet paper ....

Kabinti said...

ROTFL!! Reminds me of a point in time when I joined the women's soccer team in uni and when it came to working out, i had no clue how to operate some of those machines coz in Kenya all you had to do was piga laps, do jumping jacks and carry stones since our high school was bila gym.

acolyte said...

@ joe
I must admit that I havent gone to your blog and I have just now seen your comments at Guess' blog.I will admit that I have been in the same boat as you and have had my comments deleted at some blogs belonging to the powers that be.But since I got nominated I will place some faith in human beings.But even if I dont win there isnt a big deal as I didnt expect to get nominated in the first place.But my ears are primed for your revalations!
@ devious one
Imagine I had like 3 years worth of Men's Health when I was leaving home.It pained me coz I couldnt take them with me!Uuuugh!But the pages of those mags arent smooth enuff to wipe doo doo with!
@ kabinti
I am still trying to figure out some of the machines here so half of the time I go with free weights and my beloved bench press!But you have to admit jumping jacks,laps,press ups and star jumps rocked!

dangerously_shy said...

Acolyte
Wanted to wish you a happy Easter and show the chirren we really did make peace. Kudos for getting a nomination and I do hope you win in one of the categories.
Lol@ there is nothing like an ugly man with a big wallet, well you know what they say, when the money stops talking, then you start walking lol..

acolyte said...

@ D-shy
Have a great Easter and have fun wherever you are going!Thanks for the kudos!Anyway as the saying goes, no romance without finance!And yes the kids must learn that peace is possible!

Shiroh said...

Congratulations are in order.

The Devious One said...

U just implicated yourself by admitting that U have tried using the mags in lieu of toilet paper...lakini si I thought the paper is glossy ??
Ama U want something with texture ??

acolyte said...

@ shiroh
Thanks!
@ devious one
I would never waste a good mag on whipping my ass but you need something with the consistency and texture of a newspaper ie Atlanta Journal Constitution or NY times to crush to smoothness and wipe, glossy is the worst coz it gives papercuts (so I hear!)

Keguro said...

Aco, I'm still waiting for pictures of these muscles you claim to have.

Even though skinny men with muscles haven't been on the menu forever--and are highly unlikely to be featured.

As one who has recently discovered the joys of censoring my blog, I must confess I'm not averse to restricting language or expressions that might be inflamatory.

As the infamous Aco-Keguro wars (okay, minor skirmishes) have shown, strong willed people can disagree and disagree and disagree without spilling blood. Indeed, should I ever find myself stuck in the South, I fully expect acostigator to host me and provide vegetarian fare.

Assuming he finds his way to wherever the job market takes me, I will do the same, though all meat-like food will have to be consumed outside my living space: rule one of Keguro's house: no meat dishes allowed in, ever. (It keeps many people away!)

I still think there should be a category for most consistent instigator. You'd have my vote for sure.

Msanii_XL said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Devious One said...

@ Aco - haaaiiisha..haaaiisshhhaa haisha makanjo....

OS
SO U HEAR MY ASS !!!
MAY NETTLE LEAVES ATTACK YOUR MONKEY ASS !

Msanii_XL said...

Congrats man...all the best.

I think some of ya'll are reaching. all this nomination business...It ain't that serious

Kenyangal said...

Congrats Aco!!

acolyte said...

@ Keguro
I am my harshest critic and even though I have been told that I now look good I still think that there is some work to be done so after summer I think I will be on form and ready for my photo shoot!I will be sure to send you a picture or two!
As regards our skirmishes ironically enough I have a draft post about how you are one of my best antagonists ever as at the end of the day nothing got personal and everyone learned something at the end of the day!
I will most def host you when I am able to make a living with all this knowledge in my mind!Doing vegetarian is easy as I can live without meat esp what they call meat in America!
Thanks for the vote.In your categories you have mine!

Mutumia said...

Congratulations on the nominations dude! You go bro!

acolyte said...

@ devious one
T.P is a must when I go shopping so I am sure I will be free from nettle attacks in the near future!
@ msanii
Thanks.As for nominations since there is no cash involved it isnt a big thing for me at all!Its all fun and games!
@ kenyangal
Thanks!
@ mutumia
Thanks!Dont forget to vote!

Farmgal said...

congrats aco!
and..happy easter.

acolyte said...

@ farmgal
Thanks!Have a happy Easter too!

Ms K said...

Hey congrats mister!! Good luck!!

And all this conspiracy theory talk is just irritating. Many people do delete comments they don't want on their blogs. Its a choice that anyone can exercise.

PS/ You have been recruited as a bouncer.

acolyte said...

@ Ms K
Thanks!Yes at the end of the day the blog author has editorial discretion.As for conspiracies, they only serve to spice things up!

nick said...

1.Congrats dude on the nominations...tho ubaya we competein so may the force be with us
2.yup watched for the first time the entire star wars sextology
3.GYM: i once went with so much sike to the gym in high school...pumped iron with so much fury couldnt move my hands for like the whole weekend. the whole body ached..y buddy spotted me and show me how it was done...GADDAMN!

Acolyte said...

@ Nick
Thanks!I know you have fagiad one award already!
I havent finished those movies!Imagine that!
I feel you on the one week gym pain, been there done that and it aint fun!