Sunday, February 05, 2006

One step forward, two steps back.....

This article was in the Saturday magazine for this weekend.I have taken the liberty of reproducing it here for those whom didn't read it.Please scroll to the bottom to get my opinion.....

FEMALESPEAK: Second place ain't so bad

Publication Date: 2/4/2006

One of the few topics that remain in my head from my college days is the SWOT analysis. I can still hear our professor reciting the dynamics and importance of strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats analysis in decision-making. A former schoolmate of mine has decided to apply the principles of SWOT in helping her sort out her long-standing problem of lack of a husband. She is not alone. All around us, we are confronted by an environment that is frighteningly lacking in eligible men.

Most single men are often commitment phobes, unemployed or romantically challenged. For this reason, I have decided to put some thought into my friend's SWOT analysis. In her opinion, there are numerous opportunities and strengths in women who are willing to take up the No. 2 slot.

To begin with, a man who is willing to take up a second wife is a tested and tried commodity. There is no trying to figure out or approximate his net worth or career progression in the next decade. The man will most definitely have made some significant strides in creating some measure of fortune and comfort. A second wife is not required to make the numerous sacrifices that first wives have to. There is no spending long hours in wholesale shops, no breaking the back planting and weeding, no losing sleep over egg production or the fertility of cows.

To make matters even better, men consider taking a second wife as a measure of success. For this reason, they treat their second wives much better than their first wives. If you choose to become a second wife, you will be a trophy to be decked out in finery and shown off to his pals. By this time, a man will have acquired some measure of finesse and will have gained some understanding of what romance is all about. He is less likely to forget birthdays and anniversaries and is more likely to insist on taking you out for Valentine's and will have no qualms about buying a few trinkets as penance for his errors. To make matters even better, the woman can throw tantrums and get away with it since most men mellow by the time they get middle age.

You can force the man to get jobs for your clan of relatives by sulking for a day or two. You can squeeze trips abroad for you and your girlfriends just by imposing a few sanctions in the bedroom.

Being a second wife could also open doors in careers such as diplomacy and blackmail. In the first few years especially, second wives get to make outrageous demands by threatening to leave if the demands are not met. A second wife gets to blackmail the man with impossible things. If he doesn't come through, you can brand him a non-performer and threaten to expose this to the general public. For some strange reason, these men seem to respond to threats and menaces from second wives.

Another good thing about the Number Two slot alternative is that you save lots of money and time since you don't have to walk down any aisle. At the same time, you don't have to waste time trying to schmooze up to sisters and mothers-in-law. Leave all that to the first wife. By the time you opt to become a second lady, you are guaranteed to have attracted the wrath of the first wife and their offspring and their relations. There is therefore no need for you to spend hours toiling over hot stoves to make dishes that will wipe off hostility from the opposition. A second wife is spared the hassles of wedding committees and the pain of diets and exercise to try and fit into the perfect wedding dress. Her beauty is intact for she will not get crease lines from struggling to create a colour scheme that will be the envy of the town. The time and money saved can be used for more worthwhile ventures like manicures, facials and pedicures and, of course, endless shopping.

Being a second wife is not a full time job because you get to banish the man to his other home when the need arises. This will give you a break from his snores, smelly socks and having to cook everyday. The man of dual homes will occasionally have to take a break to serve time in household Number One. While he makes his courtesy calls, you can relax and enjoy a few benefits of singledom. A second wife from time gets to hog the entire bed, to bond with girlfriends without feeling any sense of shame. You can occasionally banish the man to the 'other' home when you need time alone or when you need to pull off a secret rendezvous.

Being a second wife can also do wonders for a woman's reputation. Most women will consider you a femme fatale of sorts and myths and legends will be created about your hubby-snatching tricks. The span of your beauty and scope of bedroom tricks will be intensely discussed and grossly exaggerated in homesteads around the land. They say there's no such things as bad publicity. So for those who are publicity hungry, nothing works wonders more than being a second wife.

Of course, the path of a second wife is riddled with problems and threats. Your time is limited because any man who acquires two wives will usually have no qualms about getting wife Number Three. If you want to be one, you are advised to prepare yourself for tough times when children and relations from the first wife feel the urge to clobber you for snatching the man of the house. There also will always be the threat of being disinherited upon the man's death and the permanent taint of being in the second slot. The reasonable conclusion from the SWOT analysis is that being a second wife is a viable option for single, lonely women. They say half a loaf is better than none so half a man might just be better than none.

Now at this point in time I must ask the ladies out there the status of having a man so important that it would drive you to have an affair with a married man or be his second wife so you can say that you have one?
There are those cases of married men who snare the girl and then later on admit they are married and give the line that they are going to leave the wife "someday", but why as a woman go out and try to hook up with a man whom you know is married?
A married man may seem like he has all the qualities that you are looking for, but he isn't yours!Why not get a man whom is a diamond in the rough and bring out those qualities in him?It is hard work but the wife of the man you tried to steal did that and when you do the same rest assured that he is yours when you marry him.
Doesn't it ever occur to some of these knuckleheads that most men will never leave their wives?!In fact when you stop being his secret moment of love and more like a second load the chances of him marrying you lessen drastically!And anyway if he leaves his wife for you, chances are he will leave you too when he tires of you or gravity takes effect!
There is nothing wrong with being single!I don't know why people especially women place so much value in being in a relationship?!It doesnt make you anymore richer or beautiful.I think that is one reason women stay in abusive relationships.Many women would rather be miserable with someone then happy alone!It's time to move on from that mindset even though Valentine's is coming (Special post coming for that!)
Anyway all ranting aside that I leave to some specific chics in KBW.
KBW ladies please be honest and tell us how many of you would consider being number 2 or being with a married man.Please be honest because with many people what they say and do are two different things.......


Prousette said...

It is not that simple. The story here is about women who do not mind being secong wives; as in public knowledge that Mr Aco had Mrs Aco1 and Mrs Aco 2 OK? We are not talking about mistresses and kept women.
In the past few years I have heard enough stories to make me very disenchanted with the sham that we call marriage.
Like the children who are looking through at their friends photo album and one asks
"who is this man in the photo here"
the other child answers
"it is my daddy"
then the first child goes "si he is my daddy too." Haiya?
Can you tell me how the man managed to pull a stunt like this as the two children are staying in the same estate and are even playmates?
The common story around is that there are few good men left, I do not know how true this is but from the article that came out very strongly. So single women have to adjust, be content sharing a man. She has a very valid point logistically you get tired of him he goes to the other house between the two or whatever number of you, he shall be on the straight and narrow.
I strongly suspect the article was all tongue in cheek tho!

OK, me. I would strongly consider being an official 2nd wife if all I needed was the title Mrs. and a few bambinos running all over the house. it is workable and I would not have to put up with a male permanently, trust me the woman puts a lot of work into making a marriage work and if I shared the load with someone else well ;) not that story of you leaving your wife no I do not want you to leave her but to introduce me as her new helper in the homestead.
Shoot me .

Keguro said...

I'm with Prou here. It's all about tone.

But beyond that, it's also about how we perceive success for women. Why do we treat smart, successful, single women as though they are "lacking" because they are not married?

It's also interesting to think about how "second wife" has changed from traditional ideas, where, ideally, the first wife would help to select the second, to ensure harmony in the house. My grandmothers were the best of friends.

acolyte said...

@ Keguro
I do feel you on how things used to be way back when, but given the fact that monogamy is what many women have been agitating for quite some time in the past it doesn't make sense for me that some women will gladly overlook that and play second fiddle.Oh and I did get that the article was tongue in cheek,I just thot that it made good conversation fodder.
@ Prou
I saved your response for last as you decided to blog for me.As for the dude with two kids in the estate I think that the women knew sumthin fishy was going on but turned a blind eye.As for there being few good men left there are very many diamonds in the rough but women nowadays have no patience to find them, they would rather get a perfect man even if he belongs to someone else.As for being tired of your man bed hoping, throw him out as opposed to tolerating it via a second wife.
As for you agreeing to be a number 2 I know when push comes to shove there is no way in hell that your ego will let you!

Kenyangal said...

I would never choose to be a second wife but I wouldn't marry a diamond in the rough either. You know the cliche that you can never change a man? You need to love and marry a man for who he is now and not for his potential (barbara d'angelis)I mean if he surprises you and changes by becoming a better man then its all good but at least you won't kill yourself nagging him to change.

Nakeel said...

Honestly ACO I cannot withstand to be a number 2 or the sharing thing. It is better I stay bilaz and happy with that than to be married and there is no happiness.
Accepting to break a family simply because you are eying for something that man has then you deserve no second to breath again.

Joseph Walking said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Prousette said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Prousette said...

Aco you did not read the IF part of my statement. My ego would have long given up on getting a massage, I do mean that. Not to break the home. Two generations ago it was OK to have more than one wife it will take a little time to get off the psyche completely, I would be no. 2 gladly, any takers?

Acolyte said...

@ kenyangal
I would like you to ask yourself one thing.."am I the finished product or a diamond in the rough?"You refuse to date one but you may be one yourself.A marriage is about two people getting together and nuturing the best things about each other.If you are both so perfect why get married then?Change can be achieved sans nagging...
@ nakeel
Seems you have a strong opinion on this but I do feel you 200%!
@ prou
I get you now
@ joe
even if you delete your comment it still gets to me.To answer you..."The bible only says that deacons should have one wife, it doesnt mention ordinary folk so by all means get a #2 and #3 if you can handle it....

Kenyangal said...

I could be a diamond in the rough but I want the person that marries me to see me as a diamond right now and marry me for the person I am now and not for who he wants me to be or who he sees me becoming.. similarly i wouldn't marry someone for his potential but for who he is right now, someone i see as a diamond despite his imperfctions. We'll change i'm sure but that's not a guarantee and anyway, if a man doesnt want to change you cant change him.

Tee j said...

I know they say 'never say never', but there is no way i would ever share. Heck no!

If anyone asked me whether it was ok to bring a wifey 2, I would ask them if it was ok if i brought a 2nd hubby home. Please!

Whispering Inn said...

Two wives eh...? Two wives...hmm.

Anonymous said...

See now the convo was serious until whispering inn had to go ruin it:) Ati genius LOL!

Weighing in--- the possibility to be wife #2 (legal with papers and all) is there. I mean, convincing arguments can be made. Is it probable? Hell naw! being a mistress is entirely different. That's underground and wrong. Is it possible? Probable? Let's just say, i've heard a convincing argument for mistresses.


acolyte said...

@ kenyangal
Things are never that simple in real life.....
@ Tee J
ongea tu you will find that you are 3 women not even 2!
@ Whispering Inn
Sounds good but do you think that you can handle 2 mutumias or Ms ks?
@ Mutumia
Seems those white folk couldnt change us no matter how hard they tried if a chic is actually arguing for it....

§anaa said...

I haven't read the article but i've read your opinion on it.

Most jamaas think they know chics inside out while they don't. Take for instance dating married or men who are already involved.

Sometimes its not so much as the need to be in a relationship that you take whatever just so as to be considered as being involved. Sometimes you just want to fuck and leave someone with no possibilities of any strings attached.

Whats more lots of married men seem very frustrated i guess someone needs to relieve them without having to uproot them from their prior commitment.

The main reason is really a lack of proper morals.

Coz i mean if its just wanting to be in a relationship wanaume ni wengi why take one who is already bogged down.

Its all about the sex (vulnerability on the mens part, ability to enjoy the benefits of being involved without being accountable or held down)..which most of the time does not discriminate ones status.

Married men who will stoop so low as to have a mistress are also evidently desparate. The same men will go out of their way to make you want to stay, e.g spoiling you with money gifts and what not. A likely victim for any gold diggers.

I heard in Kenya as a jamaa if your not willing to part with your cash (who cares for your time) then you will be wanking for a looong time.

Its not always about seeming to appear in a relationship..its much deeper than that. Whats more the men are the vulnerable ones here and the women are just ridding the waves..

Whose fooling who?

Movie Buff said...

Being No. 2 is not an option that I am considering!For those who are willing.... all I can say is different strokes for different folks.

I agree with Prousette that marriage is a major sham but there is always the exception to the rule.

Abt being alone.....I have tried to make it clear that I would rather be happy alone than miserable with a man. Apparently, many people think that is a phase I am going thru. That it is impossible to be so.

Dont ask me.. I dont have time to justify anything.

For those who are willing to believe that "someday" he is going to leave his wife for you..... ummm... wake up and smell the mocha... ladies.. come on now! The oldest line in the planet!

acolyte said...

@ sanaa
Much as you are harsh and we dont always agree on issues but I feel you on this 220%!Any man who says he fully understands women is lying to himself.Women are an enigma.But anyway many women have the upper hand esp as mistresses that is the ones who know what they want, no rings no strings attached sex and cash to boot.Plus you can get that kid that you wanted without the hassles of trying to sustain a marriage alongside.Also for many married men they need sex coz it seems that those legs close in the case of many women as soon as they get married.
As for Kenya let's just say that money opens lots of doors and legs.Poor dudes get a lot less love in nai, there are some nice chics out there but usually it's no romance without finance.It's the same here in the states with Kenyan chics and the stakes are much higher coz these chics also make money so you have to work a whole lot harder to impress.
I guess in this case both parties have something to gain and having your cake and eating it is not as fun as it looks for men.....
@ Movie buff
There are always some idiots who think it is their calling to convert you into those seeking connubial bliss.You can be happy and single is what I always say, the good thing with being out of Kenya is that there is a whole lot less pressure.As for those chics who think he will leave the man I want to slap some sense into them.Viva singlehood!!!!!

Whispering Inn said...

@Aco's question to whis - Yes sir I can! Have you seen Mutumia's booty? Now imagine two, just like twins!