Saturday, July 22, 2006

Football funnies

I am on antihistemines so I have spent most of the weekend sleep walking, so don't expect any pieces of wisdom today.Here are some football funnies I ran into!

What Women and Football Pitches have in common

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.

2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.

3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.

4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.

5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.

6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.

7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previously visited.

8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.

9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.

10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.

11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.

12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel. Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.

13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.

14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.

15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.

16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.

17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should.

18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.

19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.

20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week.

21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead.

22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to play on the turf.

23. Always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits). That said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player.


Anyway onto some thing else.I have set up a paypal account for the Nation Newspapers membership fund.I am targetting 9 people at the moment, I will be the 10th.We shall each give $7 which I will use to pay for full access to the Nation.The password shall then be spread to all who donated.So instead of paying $60 we only pay $7 each.Why $7?This is because paypal takes a percentage from each interaction so $6 would end up being around $5.60 or so.So it's better to give one dollar more so no-one is shortchanged.If you have any questions e-mail me or voice them as comments, whichever you feel comfy with.Who says harambee is dead?

6 comments:

Archer said...

1st yet again. Feels like I'm rigging. Anyway I'm definitely down for the paypal A/c idea. I'll email you tomorrow. Has anyone been fortunate enough to get a reply from the Nation Editor?

acolyte said...

@ archer
Congrats!When it comes to the cash at the Nation the editor knows jack.The marketing manager is the man to pester.I already have a link to the paypal a/c above the links column on the right side of my blog.

Kenyanchick said...

Pole about the antihistamines. I have nothing (nothing) to say about the football pitches.. However, your post about the ka-local in Loresho finally pushed me write my opus: a Kenyan's guide to Kenya. Check it and let me know what you think. Meanwhile, feel better!

acolyte said...

@ kenyanchick
I am feeling better now, thanks!Let me zoom over to your blog!
ps:The post really wasn't about football pitches you know!

Shiroh said...

Your allergy dear?

I get my copy of the daily nation so woiyee

Anyhow your points on pitches and women i am going to leave the rest of the women folk to slaughter you but your number 23 is on point

acolyte said...

@ shiroh
That is the worst thing!Allergy unknown!!!
As for us out here, we are truly marooned when it comes to our favorite newspapers!
For some reason the Kenyan blogosphere is rather quiet so I am sure I will get away with it!