Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Booty causes beef, beyonce has lost it and an unexpected porn fan

I was told an funny story the other day that illustrated the power of booty (okay alcohol played a role too). Anyhow there was this mama who was rather generous with her assets and many people knew that. So this chic goes clubbing and in the process of clubbing at different intervals men try to get her to go home with them and I think in exchange for the attention and drinks she says yes. As the night wears on, one dude decides that it is about time he left to enjoy his spoils. Two earlier suitors were not seeing how this was going to happen so the went to stop him. In the process of trying to decide who would go home with her, they started shoving each other and one of them landed on someone's table spilling their drinks. The dude who's table it was wasn't amused and got hold of the suitor and threw him across the club. The suitor's pals were not having that and they joined the fray. With all the pushing and punching most of the men in the club became involved without even knowing why they were fighting.Since the bouncers couldn't control the club, they called the police who shut down the club. Most of the people didn't appreciate seeing their $20 going to waste, those who took the most exception were a bunch of girls who decided to whup the girl who was the cause of all the drama.Talk about an interesting night, huh?

I think that Beyonce is beginning to take us fans foregranted, or maybe it's too hot under those weaves and wigs she wears. The cover to this album is atrocious! God damn my eyes are weeping (yes I meant to say that coz they feel more pain than the rest of me!). Compare that picture to Kelis'a album cover.Who seems more classy?Who's cd would your rather buy?Add to this the fact that her last few songs havent been anything to write home about.I just hope this is just one of those hump phrases and it gets better from here.

Okay now this one I have to share.Ya'll remember me going on about the pay per view porn on my cable bill that was watched by my room mate?Well the thing is that the first two movies were watched by a pal of his we were putting up for a while which was clarified by the dates.But there was a third movie that was watched at a date when my room mate's pal had already left.There are these 2 Kenyan mamas who came over this sem and are from my room mate's neck of the woods so he decided to put them up in his room as they find a place to stay. The third movie it turns out was ordered by one of these mamas, and yes my room mate had shown them how ordering for stuff on cable is done and told them not to do it at all because it is charged extra; so the chic couldn't plead ignorance.
So when the bill came and I gave a copy to my room mate he put two and two together.Then the fun began, I wasnt there but he told her, "No wonder you're in the bathroom for over an hour everyday?Self service eh?" he also told her that there are many men available to quench the fire in her loins (I have always wanted to use that phrase!) available. Can't wait for this evening to poke some fun at her!Bwehehehehehehehe!!!!!!!!!!


Archer said...

Ati quench the fire in your loins? Silly! So did the chics admit to ordering the porn? The way chiles pretend ati porn is degrading to women yet they enjoy it in secret.

Movie Buff said...

@ Archer?? When did I say porn was degrading?

Wacha that cover? That song "Ring the Alarm"???? That is not only a debacle..... it is also a catastrophe of the highest accord. Beyonce got jokes, thats all I gotsa say!

The Devious One said...

Buff kubaff how can U take my silver and as for U Archer...U jus might refracture your tibia again if U steal my gold again..

Now off to read !

The Devious One said...

Quench the fire in her loins ?? LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Classic line....will use that on Tato and see if it works...jus dont bring a pail of water Tato, jus your hose pipe hahhaha

Ahem I digress...

Waaaaaaa the mvaite mama was busted hahahahhaha shes a fast learner, less than a month in Dubyaville and shes slready ordering porn...

If we forcast her future right ...within a year she will not only be watching, but starring in one too - (coming soon)MVAITES GONE WILD !!!

Archer said...

@Devious: we'll see about that! Now ati Tato's quenching your fire...but I thought we...we...didn't our bathtub shenanigans count for anything?

Udi said...

weee, aco, ebu send those mamas to Bmore and tell them I have prepaid mbono. I also have a camera in the digimo so we can act one if they are interested.

makanga said...

That picha is not the actual album cover. That is the cover for the single 'Ring The Alarm.'

Both of them aren't really hot.

Acolyte said...

@ Archer
That phrase just kills me!Well the mama's steaming loins in front of the tv where evidence enough!I guess porn isnt for us men alone!
@ Movie Buff
Do tell us more!
That was the worst beyonce video I have ever seen!
@ devious one
Seems peeps moved fast this time round?
That mama is one of the reasons peeps dont bring their mamas from home a mama will chanuka super fast and leave you eating dust!
@ udi
I will put them on the next bus for the long weekend!
Ati pre-paid mbono!Damn you're harsh!Who knows you could have a threesome movie for your collection soon!
@ Makanga
Thanks for the heads up!I do hope she does much better with the album cover.
The girl has really let her fans down if you ask me.

egm said...

I can just imagine if the cops arrested any of those caught up in the fracas and they had to go to court what their response would be as to why they were fighting. Ati I was promised goods and upon failure to deliver I decided to get a refund, but because that couldn't happen, the unquenched fire in my loins converted the potential energy in my fists to kinetic energy. And the site of Beyonce in that wierd pose just fanned the flames, causing even more havoc on all that crossed my fists' path!

Acolyte said...

That must have been a situation and a half.It is amazing how much damage an unharnessed libido can do!

The Devious One said...

EGM come sout of the lab to play ....

@ Archer, the shenanigan was awesome ( devious gives it two thumps up, pun intended ??hmmm ) but variety is the spice of life !!

And Udi always being the horndog of the mtaa kama kawaida....see why u always end up lalalin in fetal position liaing while suckin on ur thumb sayin ur lonely....U need to get a decent solid mama from lets say Mara......need I say more Udi ?? hahahahahahhaha

Movie Buff said...


D1 thats just WRONG!!!!

Princess said...

Well you know Beyonce seems to be really showing off her recent weight loss any chance she gets..not that she had a bad body to begin with. I have yet to hear this song of hers "Ring the Alarm."

What was the chick's response to the statement regarding the amount of time she spends in the bathroom??

The whole bar brawl thing reminds me of a storo my sis told me of how in SA there was a guy buying a lady drinks all night and when he was leaving he insisted she leave with him and she refused and he proceeded to beat her up. Every time any guy tried to intervene the dude would say that the girl "had his drink" and they would leave the man to continue whupping the chick's ass. Apparently there was some unspoken thing about having to reward the dude for buying you drinks.

Archer said...

I think the funniest thing is the way chics readily accept "free" pints thinking the dude was just being nice. Nice wapi? Its merely a statement of intent to bonyeza you proper! But can it be safe to assume that if it happens the other way round, then the mama has lateral bonyezation agendas of her own?

Movie Buff said...

You know Archer... I wonder the same shit too.

The only time I get drinks from dudes is during Happy Hour and then I have to return the favor and throw a rao...

This demented/slow chiles who think that the drink is just because she looked parched need to be chapwad slaps. There I said it!!!!

Archer said...

@Buff: chapwad slaps where exactly? Our flamboyant brethren from the lakeside would refer to that as "chuado something!" (sema kwa fujo: chuwado samtheng yawa!)

The Devious One said...

I agree with Archer & Buff... what irks me is mamas who will go out bila money in the hopes of being bought for a drink....and then when dude expects a favor returned she acts holier than thou....women I tell ya

Archer ...atleast now I know I cannot accept a drink form U ata uji sitaki ....

My manta is simple...THE DRINK COMES WITH DICK uness U wanna deal with the latter..dont chukua fredrinks and expect to go home scot ( or in this case dick ) free !!

Sema Buff..hows the blue drink treating you ??

EGM kwani theres a blackout in ur lab, mbona kimya ?

Archer said...

@Devious: like I would offer you uji...what do you take me for? But for you, why lie, even my drinking water would come with mad strokage agendas!

The Devious One said...

@ Archer...I dare you !
*throws a coy look at Archer*

Im soo thirsty......

acolyte said...

@ Princess
I wonder if this new weight loss is an effort to appeal to the mainstream aka white folk coz like you said she had an ok body anyhow.
Well I wasnt home when she was being dissed so I dunno what she said.
But as for the chic being beat up, that's just plain wrong but on the other hand if that's how things work there she should have known better.
Your blog rocks but you need to get rid of no anon comments, it sucks having to log in to comment.
@ Archer
I feel you on that one.Kwani mamas think dudes throw expe pints for the fun of it?It does happen but not every day.
I have had a pal who was caught in one of those situations, I think I will blog about it!
@ Movie Buff
That rocks!Wacha I toss you mingi pints at Happy hour prices halafu you rudisha the favour!
But for real chics need to think before they accept a pint!
@ Devious One
Now that cashless vibe makes my blood boil!Then having the shame to be indignant when a dude hints you go to his digs!Hmmmph!
"THE DRINK COMES WITH DICK!" that is so on point!
@ Archer
I see you are a straight up dude.

egm said...

@D1 Haha, yup, this here labDex emerged kidogo. But them electrons summoned me right back, thus my inactivity. And then as though that wasn't enough, my computer decided to go beserk on me. So I had to leave it doing diagnostic checks overnight, and if all is not well by morning, I'll have to get it replaced by IT. But I'm very around, usijali!

Did I hear someone mention uji? I hope it's the fermented kind!

Princess said...

@Acolyte...glad you like my blog. I will try and rectify that issue of you having to sign in to comment. Feel free to drop any hints at how to go about it..LOL!!! My friends and I always buy raos so I had no idea that a drink meant you were going to be bonyezad LOL!!!

bankelele said...

That Beyonce looks like an album cover Trina would have have come up with.

Half 'n' half said...

First things first, kesho 1st thing in the morning, I want to hear what the dudette said about the porn!!! I cant wait. And that bar scene simply goes to prove that money is not the route cause of all problems: BOOTY is.

As for Beyonce, you would think that hooking up with the king himself (Jay Z) would make a difference, but doesnt seem to be the case.....

Archer said...

@Devious: *skipping over to your joint with my Keringet singing UB40 to myself* I've got the bottle/bring me your cup/pop the cork and try a sup/when you're empty I'll fill you up/we'll drink it down till the sun comes up!

@Aco: it pays to be straightforward with the agendas. It saves long negotiations at the end of the night!

Kenyanchick said...

Hey, looks like I missed the party! Archer's back on form. Those UB40 lyrics? I swear I'd never thought of them one way or the other, but the way Archer just put them made them seem kinda... dirty. In a good way.

Now Aco: ati it was one of those mamas who ordered the porn? Wah! In a twisted, twisted way, this has greatly improved her standing in my eyes. Get her a gift certificate from Babeland [dot]com (formerly "Toys in Babeland"). She can thank me later.

Of course that might mean having to give up on ever accessing your bathroom again, but it's a small price to pay for the, um, quenching of things...

MOCHA said...

wweeee forgot to put 'most' before chiles. Ebu do the necessary re-phrasing.

Aki Aco, I am tired of catching up with your posts....lakini keep entertaining us tuu!!! for booty causing fracas...LOL @ the chick being tandikwad. Makes you wonder what happened after that though. Like a good movie leaving you in suspence....did she get any that night? Did anyone end up in hospital or jail? AAAHHHH...the possibilities are endless.

Now....Miss Kichwa Kubwa aka Beyonce has lost it. I never liked her when she was in DC and still don't like her now. This cover is MBOFF and at the carnival, I saw a poster of her....TALK ABOUT AIRBRUSHING...she looked like a barbie doll that has kondoad her eyes. GROSS!!!

As for your houseguests....TSK TSK TSK!!! Talk about 'flicking the bean' for an hour LMAO. Aco, si you help a sistah out????

acolyte said...

@ princess
Will pitia and give some assistance!Good to see that you are an empowered woman!
@ bankelele
I agree with you 200%!
@ half n half
I havent ran into her yet but when I do, it's on!
but bootie sure is a problem causer!
@ kenyanchick
It is good to have archer back!I will most def give the chic a link to that website.
@ mocha!
I thought you of all people could keep up with my posts!
As for that night, the cops closed the club is all that I remember.
Now as for assisting mgeni.I unfortunately have this thing called a conscience!

Girl next door said...

I'd never waste a cent buying any music of Beyonce's. I think her reign is over and it will be downhill from here. The cover is so trashy.
The porn story is funny! As long as the chic pays for it. Some chics do enjoy watching porn, depends on what kind though.
I disagree with the idea that a man paying for a lady's drink instantly entitles him to a roll in the sack. I realize it's painful to throw money around without any returns, but hey--that's a risk you take. If a guy is overly generous, most chics will grab the drink and ditch him if he's not their type. I think both people should take turns getting drinks or else buy your own.

Rista said...

Just leave bouncy be bwana. can't she experiment with one of her alter egos? And the porn-ordering mamas... kwani one isn't allowed to be curious?

acolyte said...

@ Girl Next Door
Other than the last Destiny's Child cd I have never bought any of her music.
I dont mind the chic watching porn but I do mind it showing up on my bill!
I do feel you on the negotiation before buying tactic, it saves us all loads of drama!
@ rista
If you ask me, sasha has issues!
I would rather the mama was curious on her own cable account!