Monday, August 28, 2006

Lists, tips, essex girls,P.Diddy's latest and talking smack

When I am not writing long block paragraphs with no space between fullstops, I like to put things down in lists, numbered lists not bulleted lists like Movie Buff.You see nothing beats a long numbered list, makes it look like you've been doing something of substance.
Here are some important life tips from Blog Convict.

1) If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

2) Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3) Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

4) Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

5) Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt, a dog turd and a used condom into the bath.

6) Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

7) Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

8) X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

9) Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what you want to look at.

10) Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

11) Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

12) Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

13) Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

14) A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

15) Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

16) An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

17) Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada

18) Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

19) Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

20) Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

21) Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

22) Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

23) High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

24) Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

25) Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

26) Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

27) Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

28) A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from going back to sleep.

I have always loved British humour so I'm going to share some more!I don't know what it is about Essex but I got these Essex girl jokes...

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker.

"10" replies the Essex girl.

"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne."

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames."


An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.

"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies."This time it's mayonnaise."


An Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."


An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.

The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"

Girl: "OK"

Medic: "What's your name?"

Girl: "Sharon."

Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"

Sharon: "Yes."

Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"

Sharon: "Romford, mate."


Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood everywhere.

The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.

Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."

Sharon: "Ok."

Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"

Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"


An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.

She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"

The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well, oim little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me roight foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot"

"Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!"

Anyway onto other things, I am sure most of you have seen P.Diddy's latest video.No not the one where he is rambling about proactive and other sh*t, but the first single from his latest cd (honestly I think he should have stopped after the first one which coincidentally was full of other people's work) Come to me.Have you ever seen this dude perform live, it's an ordeal but you must give credit where it's due; the man can dance!But please Diddy no more albums, just keep on producing, showing up in your artiste's videos and shouting things like "Bad Boy!" and "Can't stop, won't stop!Bad Boy!"Anyway even though you won't remember it in like a month's time, here's the video for those of you who haven't seen it.

Some very idle chap decided to lay into Shiro about her post about the state of Breakfast radio in Nairobi.This dude had the nerve to call Shiro's post sleazy when the post was anything but that.The last time I was in Kenya figures showed that Kiss Fm had the most popular breakfast show. What does this mean?That Capital and the other stations aren't doing something right. The fact is that at the end of the day that radio stations offer a product to people and if the product isnt good enough they will turn elsewhere. Constructive criticism isn't an attack on the personalities behind the product, fact is that if Capital give the people what they used to love with the early Capital they will come streaming back. That's my $0.02. Have a nice day!


Movie Buff said...

Did u just say that Diddy can dance???

That is an insult to all artists out there *ahem* Usher an 'em who can dance!

And Diddy should stick to clothes and making numerous babies.....coz his producing days are OVER.

Let me not begin to talk about the debacle known as Cassie.... or Young Joc.....

Acolyte said...

@ movie buff
Compared to all the twisting, snapping, clicking etc that people are doing nowadays if you ask me Diddy can dance.Btw you do know in his early days he was a dancer right?
And you do know that Usher came up under Diddy's wing?
The less said about Young Joc or as I call him Jock-ass, the better!

SIJUI ! said...

like your posts keep it up loved the jokes sana.
Diddy? nay will pass.

Nakeel said...

Aco I dont think that Didiy can dance can only shake a lil bit..

Yeah on the debate on Shi those guys just kamatad bees.They should swallow the bit that they have failed to reach their target audience.

Movie Buff said...

Ok.... Usher can dance, Diddy can do NOTHING. Thats my story and I stick to it! :)
He was a dancer? So was K-FED..... lol.....

I just read that ish on that other website talking about Shiroh.... people have venom for no reason. If people dont like the breakfast shows, they dont like it! No need to call names. People are allowed their opinions.....


Msanii_XL said...

An Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."


That shiro..episode is not even close to sleazy..they should visit mediatakeout..for sleaze reading..bwehehehehe

Acolyte said...

@ Sijui
Thanks for passing by!
@ Nakeel
So I see the jury is hung on diddy.I dont know why those capital fans are taking the criticism so personally?
@ movie buff
Why you hating on diddy's "pretty ass" (that's what he said bout himself!).
That venom on Shiroh is uncalled for, she didnt even unleash.She called it straight down the middle!
@ msanii
The fire extinguisher one had me rolling on the floor.
Mediatakeout is on a level of it's own!

spicebear said...

i was so tickled by those comments at shiro's. mara calling people plain headed and whatnot. i hope that those bloggers don't work at capital cos really, their strategy to get more people to listen is laughable at best. the way they went on to call it a blog war. are they sure what that is?

aco, puff daddy cannot dance. puffy cannot dance. p diddy cannot dance. diddy can... you get where i'm going with this, right? but maybe it's cos the dde gets on my nerves for some reason.

Couch 'tato said...

i dont believe all that hullabaloo over a local radio show! ouch! as i told him its nothin against capital its all thems shows that are whack!

Am wit M.Buff and Polished(ha can we give her that new name?) Diddy cant dance

As for Usher and Chris Brown they need to give mad respec to MJ-them copycats!

Acolyte said...

@ spicebear
I was also wondering about the comments at shiro's.I think those capital groupies take themselves too seriously?
Seems puffy aint getting too much love in these parts.
@ couch tato
I agree with you, it is a case of much ado nothing.
I still insist puffy aint that bad on his feet.As for those kids esp chris brown, let's see how long they last.

mutumia said...

I like Diddy now. I used to be kaundu ambivalent lakini Msanii broke it down for me and I'm Bad Boy for life!!!! ;)

he he he... I peeped all the Shiro drama--- thanks for the link(s) Aco... So... here's another--- is this -> the blog of the guys that were being defended? Somebody has a very, very, very serious hard-on for the radio presenters there... like dude!!! Washan tuu!


Kenyanchick said...

Oh Aco, Diddy/Daddy can't dance. At all. That weird twirling thing he does... I think you've been vutaing again.

As for Capital, I'm not sure where to begin. The annoying twangs? (Sometimes Seanice inserts an 'R' into her name thus: ShaRRneese. Don't know how she manages this. It could, however, be her only gift.)

Girl next door said...

Funny list!
P. Diddy is a hella of a performer. I remember going to a concert a few years ago that featured a bunch of well-known artists. A lot of people were good but Diddy stole the show. The stage, special effects, dancing, outfits, and sound were the best. I had a huge crush on him back then, these days I think he should stick behind the scenes.

Half 'n' half said...

Diddy CAN NOT DANCE, he does a good bad boy thingy.

That list is hilarious.. and the Essexx girls must be very (I lack the words)
As for the Shiro post, I think it is the hieight of hypocrisy to put yourself in a public position then expect everyone to love you (especially if you are not good)


egm said...

Funny list. And funny Essex girl. I've seen a variation of the first one but with an akataa mama who called her kids DuWayne.

Anonymous said...


acolyte said...

@ mutumia
Diddy is far from perfect lakini marks are due!
As for those uber fans, it's just a show!
@ kenyanchick
Now that debate I am not touching, I have been over ruled.
I hate that fake rolling of Rssss!It makes my blood boil!
I have seen some of his concerts on dvd and even though he isnt the best rapper the dude according to me can put on a show and a half!But maybe that was just then?
@ half n half
The less Diddy vibe the better.I feel you on the uber fans, your heroine cant please everyone!
Seems all single mamas with many kids are the same world over!
@ Anonymous
I'm laughing with you!

Me said...

This has made my day...even if my clients think I've lost it! I love your posts.

acolyte said...

@ Me
Thanks!You are most welcome for passing through!

gishungwa said...

Essex girl wuuuuuiiii, made my day.
Diddy wont even go there!
For the Capital drama missed the bout but am worried that they all expect us to be impressed we all different what we like we do what we dont we talk about. Other annoying thing the second last anons, saying we dont know radio please....

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