A Change Of Venue For Today

Today is when I send you off to African Path to read my latest post. Enjoy!

Infidelity For Idiots part 2

Once again I give my usual disclaimer...this post in no way condones or encourages infidelity. Moving on I would also like to give props to beautyinbaltimore for some tips and inspiration. Anyway where were we? Oh yes!

7. Keep An Unpredictable Schedule - Many a philanderer has been busted due to the fact that their significant other knew their schedules and activities inside out, so when they did something or went somewhere not on the schedule questions came up. Make it seem that you have alot going on and that you are all over the place. In this way you can't be pinned down and if you are seen somewhere unexpected you have more leeway to wriggle out.

8. There Is Nothing Like A Secret Between 3 People - If possible keep your jump off as secret as possible. People have a nasty habit of sharing what are supposed to be secrets or letting things slip out. The less people who know about what you are doing, the better.

9. Don't Let Your Fun Eat Into The Funds - Alarm bells usually start ringing if all of a sudden you seem to be less financially solvent and you don't have a new drug or gambling habit. Don't spend more than you can explain because when the process of elimination is done and you have nothing to show for your expenditure, the inevitable answer will be arrived at.

10.Protection, protection, protection! - Women lie and men get careless, it is that simple! There are women who think by getting pregnant they can keep the already committed man they are with. While men do get careless and leave a girl the task of setting their significant other up for a surprise pregnancy or cleaning up the mess.

11. Don't Let Guilt Get To You - When people are unfaithful and aren't busted, out of guilt they start acting much better to their partners, showering them with gifts and being romantic. If your partner hasn't done anything to warrant such treatment and had been oblivious of any slip ups on your part, this change of character may lead to sharper observation on their part. So keep things as they are.

12. Keep The Freakiness To Yourself - When people get jump offs, they usually get a new lease on life in the bedroom department and the libido and desire rises. When this happens they want to do all these new nasty things with their present partner and one of the first things they start thinking is "where did he/she learn this?"

13. Perform Your Conjugal Duties As Usual - This may seem to contradict the above point but usually changes in the bedroom department especially sudden ones make alarm bells ring. So much as it pains you, ladies lie back and think of Kenya, men thrust onwards and reminisce on the night before. Remember infidelity comes with a cost and in this case it is double duty! Unless you were lucky enough to be in a sexless union.

14. Cover Your Back - You can do everything but there is always the ex-factor which we can't always account for. You may be seen somewhere you weren't supposed to be, you could be seen with your jump off, a piece of incriminating evidence may be found near or on you or any myriad incidents that happen to cast doubt on your "honesty". That is why you have to have a story prepared for every and any eventuality. To you this should not be a story but the truth, be ready to stand for it no matter what! This kind of commitment can even make you pass a lie detector test!

Ps: When the light goes out, everyone's name is sweetie or baby with a moan thrown in between.

The Writer and Management of this blog will not be held liable for the consequences of following the above tips!

The Drama Post part 4

Kendi sat down and looked at the check she had gotten from the Ministry, it was late and wasn't for only a few thousand dollars. She had already bluffed the Finance office into not dropping her classes by having her Uncle who was well connected in the Ministry of Education back home send a letter saying they would settle the balance. The new semester was here and she owed a few thousand dollars in arrears and had to come up with this semester's fees too. Kendi sat down and began to think of a way out.

Meanwhile Mary was back in the 'ville. She had Kendi's aunt drop her off where she was staying last semester with Aco and Mvaite. Aco had left town so now she knew that she could take his room for herself. She opened the door using the key Mvaite had left her, she made her way past the stuffy sitting room into her new bedroom. When she opened the door she saw a garish looking piece of exercise equipment staring back at her instead of a bed frame and study desk. She put her luggage on the near by couch and began to clean and rearrange the room to make it more girl friendly. As she got carried away doing this, she didn't hear the door opening.

Kamau had just finished his first day of orientation. The ville was not as big as Atranta but he already felt at home, besides he was over joyed to see cows on the long drive to the ville from the Airport, he always thought that there were no cows in America but machines that made milk instead. All that he was waiting for was to be set up in the free housing that schools give students like at Surambaya High School where he was teaching before he came over to the American paradise. During the first night he had been put up in a hotel room with another International student by the school but today accomodation was strictly on them, he knew the Housing Office would sort him out. He walked in and asked the young white lady reading a Cosmo magazine at the reception where he was supposed to spend the night. She looked up and asked him his name, he told her his name and she gave him a quizzical expression accompanied with the phrase "say what now?" little did Kamau know but he would come to hear this phrase many times in the days to come. He spelt out his name and she looked for his name on the housing list as she blew bubbles with the gum she was chewing, she looked up at him and said with her southern drawl,"Ahm sorry sir, but your name just isn't on the list. Did you pay for housing?" At that point the truth hit him! He wasn't in Kutus anymore, housing wasn't free and his $800 hardly even covered what he owed for fees. He walked out of the office and who did he see? Oduori! He remembered Oduouri telling him over orientation when they met about how he was going to make his apartment the ultimate bachelor pad, there was hope at last!

Oduori was strutting outside the housing office on his way to catch the shuttle to the University apartments when he saw Kamau waving at him with a big smile on his face. He wondered why Kamau would be so happy to see him, Kamau rushed to him and began walking in tandem with him, asking him how he was doing. Oduori has the feeling that this did not bode well for him for some reason or other but he dismissed that feeling because by looking at Kamaus ran down shoes and barely fashionable clothing he knew he could out smart him any day. The niceties soon ran dry and Kamau refered to him as a brother, put his shoulder on him and told him he needed his help. Kamau told him that his money was yet to be wired so he could not stay in the halls, he asked if he could stay at Oduoris. Oduori lifted one eyebrow, wondering what to do. These were the Kenyans his father had warned him about, the moochers. But on the other hand he felt some misguided kinship with Kamau since he was one of the few black male faces during orientation and he felt he could chat with him on a neighbourly level. Oduori remembered that his girlfriend was visiting in a day or two and there was no way Kamau was going to be on the couch as the two of them ravaged each other all over the apartment. He told Kamau he would put him up, but for one day only.

A few blocks up the road Mvaite couldn't believe what he was seeing. Mary was in the process of destroying his bachelor pad when she wasn't even supposed to be there in the first place. He angrily asked her what she was doing moving the couch and lamp, she sneered at him and told him that those were Aco's things and she could move them if she wanted to. Mvaite felt the heat begin to rise within him, Mary had always lorded her 3 years seniority over him whenever they had a disagreement and she was doing so now. He looked at her angry and she sneered, "Kijana wacha siasa mob"(Boy, stop with the drama). He felt the heat continue to well up within
him. He couldn't take it any more, he screamed and told her, "Utanapatia respect kwa nyumba yangu! (You will respect me in my own house)" He remembered another reason he was so angry, Mary and Kendi had stiffed him on their share of December's rent and utilities. He asked
her how she was expecting to stay there yet she hadn't paid for the past month. She looked at him defiantly, he met her gaze with his stony stare; at that point he wished they were in Imenti South where he would have taught her a lesson or two without fearing an early morning visit
from the Police. He told her that it was his house and that he could throw her out and she was of no use to him, she looked back at him with tears in her eyes and said that she didn't have to stay there. She angrily walked past him and slammed the door leaving her luggage behind.

A few hundred miles away, Kendi was being hit on by Muriungi. She couldn't stand his beer saturated breath and lusty hints. Ordinarily she would never be in such a position but Muriungi had a solution to her problem and she would string him around till she got what she wanted.

Kamau walked into Oduori's well furnished apartment and set down his suit case. Oduori motioned to the fridge and told Kamau to help himself. From what he saw in the fridge it seemed to him like Oduori was really well off, he didn't regret calling on him for help. He poured himself a large glass of South American mango juice and sat down on the couch. He tried to make small talk with Oduori but Oduori ignored him, picked up his lap top and went into his room. A few minutes later he came out and tossed a blanket at Kamau and went back into his room. Kamau got comfortable on the couch and watched movies on Oduori's big screen TV till
sleep overcame him.

Part 5: Where did Mary sleep, where will Kamau go next and what is Kendi planning?

Infidelity For Idiots part 1

This is a follow up to the post that Movie Buff did a few months back. This post in no way justifies infidelity, but a time comes in a person's life when it is easier to get outside thrills then deal with a break up of an existing relationship and all the drama that comes with it.

For those of you who feel that you must do this, here is a starter list.

1. Delete, delete, delete! - For some reasons men and women like keeping sentimental messages from those they are involved in. You can't afford to do this because one day your significant other may get hold of your phone. So listen twice for good measure and then delete the message ASAP!

2. Do not leave a paper trail! - The best trysts have been uncovered by simple things like receipts and credit card bills. Try and deal in cash, avoid using a credit card especially if your significant other gets to look at your bills.

3. Password Manager is not your friend - Many of us who use computers often let the browser store our passwords, so as to save us the work of keying in the password time and again. So one day when your boo gets suspicious all they will have to do is go to Yahoo! see your username and password saved and log in. When they do so they will see all your emails from your secret lover and things will be tight.

4. Don't Make Radical Changes in Your Appearance - When we get someone new in our lives, we tend to make ourselves look better for them. We start going to the gym, buying new clothes, looking neater and taking care of our appearance in general. This often makes alarm bells ring in the other person's head especially if they haven't done anything drastic to merit this change. So stay the same, after all the other person liked you the way you were when you first hooked up. So keep it that way, unless you are out on a weekend together.

5. Distance Is Your Friend - It may seem tempting to get a jump off near where you live. JUST SAY NO! The closer you are to home, work or family. The higher your chances are of being seen with the other person by people you know. But on the other hand don't get with someone who lives so far that you disappear for long unexplained periods of time just to be with.

6. Regulate Means Of Communication - Nothing perks up your boo's suspcion faster then whispered phone calls, people hanging up when she picks up the house phone and you acting suspicious with your cell phone when you used to be open with it before you started stepping out. To get rid of this, get another phone preferably pre paid so a bill isn't sent to your house. Phone companies like Metro PCS offer good cell phone packages that don't affect your credit or have a long term contract. Have a second phone, use it during certain hours and in certain places only preferably far away from home. And of course hide this phone in a secure place! When you do that, your significant other can scroll through your regular phone as much as they wish.

Next: More useful tips.
ps: Drama Post part 4 has been impacted by new information and is being adjusted to reflect this. It will be concluded very soon..........

Slipping and Sliding into Senselessness...

One of Kenya's premiere hip hop artistes was in NY for a while and I culled his latest offering from Mocha's blog. Here is the video...


After watching that video, it took me a few minutes to arrange my thoughts in a manner that could be expressed without invectives.

My first question is are Bamboo and Attitude making music for Kenyans or for Americans? The title of the song is "snitch". Please someone out there tell me what the average Kenyan knows about snitches and the stop snitching, stop lying philosophy promoted by the hip hop community that is allowing criminals unfettered freedom in the black community in America? Let's assume that Bamboo and Attitude wrote this song for Kenyans. We all know about the Kenyan police, Bamboo may have spent sometime in Kariobangi South but I assure you that after a few backshots from some starved chaps in remand and "assisting" with investigations at the local Police Station not only will he sign on the dotted line, he will draw it and print out the paper gladly.

Then there is the use of the n word. I will say it out loud, nigga. For the life of me I don't understand why anyone who has a functioning brain and self respect would use it. I have heard the weak arguements behind it. "Oh it isn't the same as the one that ends with er", "using it that way takes power away from it" and "the other person know it isn't an insult." That is a whole load of bullshit, and anyone who thinks like that isn't thinking. When people of other races here black people calling themselves that they think you are not a "nigga" but a "nigger", and all that word connotes; dumb, self-destructive, self loathing and lazy. Why is it that we rarely hear or see other races referring to themselves with negative epithets, I don't see Jews running around calling themselves kikes, caucasians reffering to themselves as crackers, Asians calling themselves gooks and Latinos calling themselves wetbacks.
That word has a long history for African Americans so at the end of the day it is theirs to grapple with, but what gets to me is when I hear Kenyans using that word to refer to each other. If you look into history our heritage and that of black people here in the States is very different, even though we may not be able to trace our direct lineage; if you paid attention in African history you should be able to trace your tribes lineage a few hundred years into the past. So why spit on it? This is in no way me looking down on black people here who lost their heritage via slavery but that is one sad facet brought up by using that word. I have seen bloggers I know use that word in conversation and blogging and let's just say that I respect them a whole lot less for not being able to see and reason past the hype and culture. Just because you hear people on the street saying it and rappers screaming it doesn't at all make it acceptable. Why in that case don't these same Kenyans decide to empower racial epithets used by Indians and Caucasians in Africa to belittle Africans. Why not start calling yourselves "monkees," since many white folk refer to Africans under them and in general as uncivilised lazy monkeys? You don't see black South Africans calling themselves kafirs, so why call each other nigga? It's about time we learnt to respect ourselves as black people.

Anyway let me get back on topic. If we are talking about street cred and fake gangstas, who is Bamboo to tell people about that? I doubt that boy even has a ticket for jaywalking to his name, let alone a felony. How can her rap about studio gangstas, when he is one himself. The he goes on to rap about broke ass MCs. I know music gurus like Msanii are better versed to answer this, how many cds has Bamboo sold? I doubt he has even hit stainless steel let alone gold record sales.

Let me be honest, Bamboo has loads of talent but as the commerical used to go, "power without control is useless." One can still make hard core, underground rap in Kenya and still have an edge ie Mwafrika, Muki Garang, Ukoo Fulani etc; without aping U.S lyrics and style. If Bamboo wants to make money and fame, he should make music about Kenya for Kenyans. It's that simple.

Oh by the way, the chorus of that song sucks!

Ps: The Drama post series will resume later.