Thursday, January 26, 2006

Instruments of pain

When it comes to physical activity Ms K, Guess and other KBW gym rats
are not the only ones spending lots of time grunting and sweating
(with no climax involved). I too have been spending alot of time in
the gym lately, at least 4 times a week at last count.So I got to
looking at the gym machines we have an concluded that the makers of
these machines owe a large debt to the medieval tortures and the
priest of the spanish inquistion due to the similarity in design to
their tools of trade.See here:

This machine is for those of us who aspire to have a washboard stomach.So what happens is that you set the weight that you feel your "one pack" can handle, sit in the machine, put your legs behind those thingies,hold the handles above and contract your body to lift the weight.What I can say is that it burns!So Imagine all you have to do is to increase the range of motion of the machine to like 270%, turn those handles into restraints,pump up the weight and have a crank where you can then contract and expand the victim; voila torture machine!

Now this machine is for those of you whowant to have large triceps (the part of the arm behin the arm that turns into wings in the case of fat mathees and Nick).So you sit down and place your elbows on the supports and push those handles down moving the weight you have placed.Now all that has to be done is to have the handles turned into restraints and already have them at the full extension angle and what you have to do is to tell the truth before the weight that has been placed on the handles manipulates your arms to degrees that they were not created to and they snap like

Leg machines also have lots of possibilities.For this machine you set your weight of choice and sit
down then you raise your legs to push the weight (the motion is like
you are on a high bench swinging your leg).Now to convert this baby
all you have to do is make that part where you put your feet be
behind your calf and the insquisitor turns a crank where you are
slowly folded like a slice of bread with magerine in the middle as
your thighs eventually meet your chest.I have thought of two other
modifications but I know you readers at home think I have lost the
script so I'm going to keep them to myself.
Disclaimer: The Acolyte and the management of this blog will
not be held liable for injuries that occur from conversion of gym
equipment and legal charges from civil suits from those injured
during the course of experimentation and religous conversion


akiey said...

A true display of total pain inducing paraphenilia, lol!
Ok, I've come close to them those time I head to the gym pick up friends after they've worked their brains out.

My workout regime consists of a good swim or cycling (regardless of sun or snow). As for burning calories daily my fingers & brain do the working out for me. Donnoh how good that is since I really don't plan on living too long (too many taxes paid,LOL!!)

Mocha! said...

is dancing in your bedroom to your favourite tune an exercise?

if yes, well then i have my own personal gym at home.......and free as well! LOL!

Equipment: Hi-Fi loaded with favourite dancing music.

Attire: No comment!

Dance Work-out Routine: The usual moves and some I wont mention!

Duration: Length of the CD (where possible).

Rewards after work-out: A nice relaxing bath (with more music and candles)!

Calories Burnt: Dunno, lakini the pain on my joints/muscles the following day let me know I burnt some!

Prousette said...

These thoughts go through your mind as you are on the machines? The med-evil in you indeed!!

Been inside a gym to watch people torture their poor selves. My favorite exercise is walking and swimming costs much less and total fun.

acolyte said...

@ akiey
cardio does help but I do like to do spot and strength work.Yea taxes do suck!
@ mocha
Can I come watch?
@ prou
Like I said my mind doesnt think in straight lines.Swimming and walking are good but they dont give you a chiselled,defined physique

Mignon said... more reason to avoid the gym. i'll stick to mocha's work out plan; fun,total body workout (although i'm getting lazy in that department too)

Whispering Inn said...

Oh, I cant look! Those pictures bring back terrible memories of torture in those mirrored rooms called gyms!
If you ask me, the best exercise is sex. Lot's of it - good for mind, body and soul(?)
@ - Akiey LOL @ going to the gym - to pick up friends!
@Mocha! - Is there a pole involved?

nick said...

bring it on! my one pack is ready and willing.

It looks so good like a space station...i can imagine sleeping/walking..any verb would be painful after a moment with the faterminator!

KenyanMusings said...

Once again father in heaven, I thank you for my genes, because it does not matter what I eat, It will all go to my butt...AND I AM NOT COMPLAINING!
Yaay! I was a gym rat sometimes back, but I gotta say, those machines nothing......Those things look soo intimidating. Yikes!A FORCED work out for me is aerobics, yoga or a swim...Baass. Ngai lord!

KenyanMusings said...

Aco..the way you have described that work out maze sounds PAINFUL!!! Ouch! I could really do with a washboard stomach so I can get a belly ring but wacha ikae!! Ngai! especially when you cannot even cough or laugh the next day...I need help.

LMAO at 'the arm that turns into wings in the case of fat mathees and Nick'....tihihi

mochacise! said...

lol....whispering inn! no poles. my bedroom is not big enough for one, but i have got 'room as your 'pole-plan' for exercising is for sure one of my favourites too, its a shame i havent got one handy (pun intended) at the moment! tihihihihi!

as for you aco, no watching participants only! after all it takes two to tango!;)

Keguro said...

"Two two tango"

Let's go back to our roots!

Tango is a western dance!

We always danced in HUGE groups, with onlookers!

(I'm only partially serious!)

Mocha! said...


Acolyte said...

@ cute angel
Come join us in our suffering.You will never regret it....
@ whispering inn
Seeing sex is off the menu for me I have to stick to the torture chamber.I wonder if Mocha takes singles?
@ Nick
U dunno tha half of it....
@ Kenyanmusing
As long as you dont look 3 months paged you don't need a washboard u hook a brother up with a pic of that ass?
@ mocha
Does me offering my lap count as participation?
@ Keguro
Preach it!!!!

Mocha! said... offering a lap dance does count. And no I dont take singles, will accept 'multiples' though.

Another thing.....kumbe even you are a 'langa' as well. asking for peeps pics!

@Kenyan Musings....wacha he toaz a pic of his ass kwanza before you unleash yours! lol

Acolyte said...

@ Mocha
Then I will accept a lap dance from you instead.Does $5 count as a multiple?What do you expect when u limit a man to foot shots mwisho?

Private Dancer! said...

$5 Aco? Who said I was taking multiples of money? Anti-radar nini? LOL!

Have a nice weekend!

Whispering Inn said...

@Mocha - One pole coming up. Or maybe a few poles are needed since Keguro is advocating orgies!

Keguro said...

I said nothing about orgies!

I was respecting African tradition and rejecting Western ideas, the way our leaders encourage us.

I was being patriotic!

Acolyte said...

@ whispering Inn
Let me know when the poles have been installed!
@ Keguro
My undergrad prof once told me that meaning is not what is said but what is heard...

kipepeo said...

whatever the name of the machine in the first picture is, my goodness!!! that thing is a killer!!! I cant even do two in the same day!!! just looking at it gives me shivers!!! who on earth invented that thing??