Monday, February 27, 2006

Innocence lost!

Have you ever had some sweet naive preconceptions about something only to have them brutally shattered?Well I have had quite a few and the ones that I am going to go into today are about girls or rather ladies....
1.All girls can sing - As a young lad after many years of being dragged to church and hearing the choir sing I came to this hypothesis.The church choir sings beautifully, the church choir is all women therefore all women can sing.Philosophers out there please don't point out how fallacious that theory is.Needless to say in late primary school I went to watch some high school gals auditioning for one of our fabled musicals and there was this one gal who sang (Bless her heart), and I think the main thing that stood out was the amazing number of bullfrogs that her answered her mating call.
2.All girls can dance - Another fallacious theory courtesy of your local church and television.In church after seeing all girl dance teams dance pretty well and seeing ballerinas on tv I thought that if they were girls and could dance ergo all girls can dance.One date with a girl with two left feet during the early teenage years fixed that.
3.All girls can cook - Yet more flawed reasoning from a young man.My mother was a good cook and so was my big sister therefore all girls are good cooks.I went to this girl's house with some friends and she treated us like gods, by serving us a burnt offering!
4.All girls are friends - As a young boy I never so girls beating each other black and blue and using smaler girls as punching bag.As a result to me all girls and women loved each other to bits.It was later as a teenager I recall sitting with a girl who saw another girl coming towards us in the distance."Damn it's that bitch!" exclaimed the girl I was with as she saw who was coming, yet when the girl finally reached us she was greeted with hugs and kisses worthy of a child who was once lost but now is found!Since I tend to be enamoured with women with strong personalities, I have often seen women treat each other as sisters and be close only for one of them to turn and wonder why she has a sharp pain in her back accompanied by blood; the classic dagger hidden in the hug!Why women hate each other so much I will never know!
5.All girls have fantastic hair - As a young man salons were a taboo to enter and even when I would be sent to look for my mother at Kenyatta market I would navigate the dangerous and daunting maze of hair salons as fast as possible only looking up to see the stall number afraid that those women seated around one unkempt perturbed looking lady would unleash her to devour me.So it was with great sadness that I remember my sister jolting me out of my reverie as I was absorbed by the sight of some ebony goddeses chocolate tresses, "That's a weave, straight from china!Number...."
I still have not recovered!
6.What you see is what you get!- As I got older I was aways fascinated by the different curves of the female form.The perkiness of some parts and the luscious contours of others.It is later as those parts spread the same way pancake mix does on a frying pan that I learnt that a wonderbra and and a good pair of grandma underwear do a whole lot for a woman's appearance!Disclaimer:As narrated to me by a friend!
7.All girls are closet lesbians- I have always noticed how touchy feely girls were with each other and then I discovere porn where the girls were very touchy with each other.Fallacious logic #2190 Since girls are touchy feely with each other and lesbians are very touchy feel with each other (wink wink nudge nudge) then alll girls are just a lesbian orgy waiting to happen!
8.All lesbians look like swimsuit models- Related to the discovery of porn I thought that all lesbians were vuloptous beauties.One look at the ones at the Gay Straight Alliance table set me straight real real fast!Damn why do people have to steal all my dreams!
9.All women can do the splits - Back to early teenage days now.I thought by the single fact that women do not have that unsightly protuberance in the crotch area that we men have it would make their joints way more flexible then we men.Allowing for all sorts of feats of flexibility!I met some girl who could hardly touch her toes so I was set straight in a rush!
10.All women love babies!- After seeing all my cousin's friends cooing at her baby as a teenager I thought one thing.All women love babies!Later on I met some women and girls who were not so enthralled by these bundles of love, but the fact that many of these women do get broody later on in life gets me thinking......
I am sure that if I dug deeper I could find more but the pain of recalling these ones was too much to bear!
Card of the day:Seven of wands


>d® said...

LOL @ "unsightly protuberance." Funny, funny.

But 4 real tho, girls ARE touchy. Need I mention instances involving lots and lots of bumping & grinding motions in clubs, which we males stare at with great interest? Not that I blame y'all ladies - not at all. Y'all sexy!

And yes, women can't stand each other's guts. I was watching Chris Rock's 'Bigger & Blacker' the other day and he put it as such: [paraphrasing]

Women can't stand each other. A man will introduce his new girlfriend to his best friend and his friend would be like:
"Damn, I need to find me a girl just like that."

Meanwhile a girl would introduce her new man to her best friend and her friend would be like:
"Damn, I want this man!"

acolyte said...

@ >d®
Chics are lucky in that they never suffer from things like shrinkage and hits to the nuts!
As for that bumping and grinding in the clubs esp gal on gal I stay out of clubs.Gotta keep my man gold intact!(see previous post!)
As for women hating each other we'll leave that to the ladies to comment upon.....

Prousette said...

touchy feely. The one majoradvantage of being female you can hold touch all you like without raising any eyebrows, maybe that is what contributes to us outliving the males.
"unsightly protuberance" seriously is that all it is,aesthetically?

acolyte said...

@ prou
Well I dont think touchy feely contributes to life span but if it makes you feel happy; touch away!
As for being unsightly I for one think that it messes up our otherwise sleek and streamline appearance, I think it should have come with a pouch like kangaroos have.

guessaurus said...

Now I know somebody who is an embodiment of all your dreams, but i am not telling ;)

Human beings, and especially women, are complex beings (yes, I am going there) and mostly men are so 'dreamy' about women that when they face the real world on it, they can and are often disappointed by the end result.

And too, most men, when faced with the Total Package, ran a mile coz they cant believe that their 'dreams' are meant to come true.

What I am saying? Well, when somebody told you that children are 'got' from trees, they were lying, and you can get one from a tree, but it will have been left there by someone who went through the whole 'natural' process and then chucked them for you to find. Just like the weave and the granny panties, oh and the takeaway food that was 'bought' or the fake boobs or them 'women getting it together in porn movies' that arent lesbians, or the 'singers' on MTV who couldnt sing to save their own lives. See, I am attempting to make sense here :D

Somebody fried my brain (that would be the cold...)

mutumia said...

Oh, Oh , Oh--- Aco wacha Zako!!! Number 8 is wrong so wrong!!! I'm going back to read--- I just had to say thou art evil (and funee)--- but evil none the less!

acolyte said...

@ Guess
Who is this?Please tell!As for me I would not run from my dreams, in fact I would embrace them!
@ Mutumia
A man can dream can't he?

Girl next door said...

Your post is soo funny! On the issue of "all girls are friends" I think we are socialized to be nice, friendly and polite to everyone even though we hate their guts. I wish girls would be more direct coz there are times you run into someone and they're giving you fake smiles, throwing daggers your way, or making hurtful comments about your clothes. You think to yourself, "Do I even know this person?" Then later you discover that its because you're getting some attention from the men in the room. If you wanna see what a girl really looks like underneath everything, go on a camping trip. This was a real eye-opener for me in high school. Some people look scary bila make-up!

acolyte said...

@ girl next door
Pole that you gals cant be hostile in the open and have to hide it.As for the bila make thing, I have seen it and that is y I insist before I get serious I have to see a chic au naturale!

Whispering Inn said...

Aco, you've been hanging around too many women, and you're celibate! Ha ha ha!
For me, the less I know about women the better.
As long as their flow into my bed remains uninterrupted and in regular supply, I am one happy son of a bitch!

acolyte said...

@ Whispering Inn
Just go ahead and rub it in!Just wait till you get the clap and can't shag!We'll see who'll be laughing then!

mutumia said...

I'm still laughing at that 'burnt offering' remark... LOL and then again. That is seriously funeee! As for the salon woes- surely Aco you're an emissary from my enemies who have been sent to finish me LOL!!!!

Tell your sis to expect a visit from Maendelo ya Wanawake. She's toboaring all our secrets!!!

acolyte said...

@ mutumia
Walking through those stalls still shakes me to this day!The way those women look at me!Like I'm a piece of meat!Sob!
As for living with sisters and a mum I had actually learned how to decode those numbers and letters that come with weaves and extensions!At least I have been delivered!

Milonare said...

Isnt it great that we dont have to love all girls and all girls dont have to love us?

Methinks that's the moral of the whole story... As BJ would say "cast ur fishing line according to the mbuta you want to catch"

Keguro said...

But aren't mbuta famous for eating all the other little fish?

I have no clue what to make of that remark

I slink off in shame

Shiroh said...

Wooi, Aco those are imaginations

acolyte said...

@ milo
I wish all girls loved us but we didnt have to love them in return!
@ Keguro
Hmmmmm interesting way of looking at that saying....
@ shiroh
What can I say?I have an active mind!

Kenyangal said...

Too funny! By the way I think that women should gauge the type of friends that they have by watching how they treat other women... e.g if you and your buddy are always gossiping nastily about other women then she's doing the same behind your back..

Acolyte said...

@ kenyangal
That is so so so so true!