Sunday, June 11, 2006

Mothers, sons , rationalisation and other things

Do you remember in high school when we were asked to write an essay and at times to take up words if the topic on hand would be something like The role of mentors in my life, this is how the essay would begin;
The word mentor is defined by the Collins Dictionary as a wise or trusted adviser or guide. Youth is a pivotal period in a young person's life and during this time they need.......
Anyway I am going to write a post on the ability of the human mind to rationalise anything so here goes.Rationalise is defined by the Collins Dictionary as;
1. to justify (one's actions, esp discreditable actions, or beliefs) with plausible reasons, esp after the event
2. to indulge, often unchallenged, in excuses for or explanations of (behaviour about which one feels uncomfortable or guilty)
3. to apply logic or reason to (something)
I was talking to the Derailer (the gal who got me off the train) and she was telling me about her big brother and her big sister.I met her big brother once and at the time I thought that he was younger then her.I asked her what he did for a living and she told me that she didn't want to talk about it.She later opened up and told me that he was actually older then her, around 32 and was a bum.All he does in her words in watch TV and get high on weed (paid for be Mummy dearest).
She told me that her mum had sent him to a private uni (Devry - not very cheap!) and 2 colleges and he had purposely flunked out of both of them.He also refused to get any job.So the derailer asked her mum why she doesn't get firm on him and she answered her saying that it isn't his fault that he is like that as their dad was in the Navy and as a result was away for months on end once he was away for one year.The derailer told her mum that that's b.s as there are single mothers who have raised sons with no problems, the mum replied that it's much harder for boys and that she doesn't understand.For every objection and point that she would come up with to tell her mum that it was time to get firm on her brother or show him the door, she would get a counter point from the mum.
It is rather obvious to all (o.k not to all) concerned that their are changes needed but the mum refuses to see this and act.Oh and the dad doesnt talk to the son at all.It just reminds me of another akataa (African American) girl I met who told me that she has a low opinion of akataa men as most of them are over coddled by their mothers and cannot take care of themselves and take responsibility for their lives.I have lived in two diff apartments with black men and in the first the apartment was very clean but culinary skills here only extended to taking the Big Mac out of the box and putting it into the microwave, in the second apartment there was a better display of skills ie using Hamburger Helper so I cannot reliably say that most of them can't take care of themselves (No typecasting here!) Now before you flay me it happens across all racial lines and back home too, but I am focussing on what I have experiences among black people that I know here.
Anyway statistics say that over 70% of children in African American homes are brought up by single mothers.Of course apart from blaming the men for being hit and run artistes, we could say this is also contributed to by the high incaceration rate for African American males in the U.S of A.So alot of these kids have fathers in the pen that they don't see.So in some cases it could be said that these mothers who are guilty of pampering their sons do so to make up for the fact that they don't have fathers around; even though in derailers case their father was not in the pen (penitentiary).
So I know this will earn me the ire of many single parent campaigners out there but is it possible that at times when there is only one parent, that they tend to overcompensate in one area ie being to strict or being too lax and this kind of parenting is what can lead to the situation as discussed above?
Anyway talking about rationalisation her big sister who turning 30 is one of these women who defines herself by her men and the approval she gets from them.The derailer once told me about how she had this dude who she would only get to see from 1 am usually on weekend nights ( for 10 Aco dollars name me the song that Blackstreet sang about this situation!) this went on for almost one year and she had the nerve to call this guy her boyfriend?!Then she was pregnant the other day by a guy who has 8 kids from 6 different women (and yes she knew about that) but sadly she lost the kid (although on hearing the news her mum wasn't moved as she wasn't too impressed when she heard about the dad and his situation).When I once made fun about Akataa baby mama drama like that I was accussed of throwing stones from my glass house or to use a more African appropriate analogy smoking weed in a hut made out of straw, but I have to ask other then maybe in the rural areas and I still do think that those numbers are a stretch are their many men in Nairobi who have that many children by that many mothers?If it happens alot then I will gladly eat my humble pie.
Derailer on the other hand boosts her self esteem in other ways, she loves her food.The indulgence has began to show, so she complains about it and I give her one of two answers; eat less and eat healthy OR exercise your ass off and you can still eat what you want.Well like most people she makes excuses why she can't do some form of excercise daily but at least she has been trying to go to they gym once in a while so that counts for something.
I am not one of those men who have to talk to their women daily but I do try to send at least a couple of text messages and we do hang out.So this weekend we hung out on Friday and Saturday morning and I called her that same evening.Then today afternoon she texts me to tell me that she went to the gym for 30 mins on the treadmill (I congratulated her) and then she rounds off the text by asking me whether I would have sent her a text message today if she hadn't sent me one first.All of you who have dealt with me know how I can be a kichwa ngumu (hard headed) so I replied with a question, "what do you think?" Please correct me if I am wrong but is the fact that your boyfriend hasn't texted you in a few hours when he called you the night before a matter of concern?
I guess I have become too used to dating women who had so much going on and so much self esteem that if Aco didn't call them or text them in one day they would hardly notice and even if they did they know that he would get around to it eventually.Or was it all an act and do you ladies expect your man to constantly call you and spend time with you failing to which there might be reprecussions?Anyway time for me to shut up before Kenyamusings, Mutumia, Girl Next Door, Shiroh and co jump down my throat!
This story reminds me of what I miss about the night life back home.In 99% of the joints back home we are all equal unlike here where only the VIP sit down while the rest stand!Ugh!


Mocha! said... fao again. Seems I'm the only one not enjoying the summer sun. LOL....TIHIHIHIHI!!!

I think you should got back on being celibate then get derailed again.....its like a blind man seeing again. You get to see more stuff and talk about it too. Very entertaining. Enjoy it while it lasts. Like you said, you are a kichwa ngumu....this clande letaz shida....wwwoooiiii!!! I feel for her!

Prousette said...

having a bum for a son would turn a mother inward and send her on a guilt trip regarding things she could have done to influence the outcome she has on her hands now, therefore the less than adult behavior towards her son.
That guy needs some toughlove and wd probably straighten up ...or not we cannot tell right now.

totally unrelated there was an article in the paper some time back about codependency and a reformed alcoholic stated that the people who live with alcoholics contribute towards the state the alcoholic is in. Knowing very well that someone will pick you up, you get drunk and collapse just at the doorstep.

It seems the son knows mom will take care of things so makes no effort at all to grow up.

I expect both of us to keep the connection alive throughout not a question of how many calls in how long but a text here, a call, an email goes a long way in earning 'caring' points.
As for time spent together if it has to be only after 1am on weekends ikae kabisa.

Shiroh said...

I got called so i am here Aco dear. Very interesting, i hate bums for men. I know such men you have described and suprise suprise some of them are from very stable families.

On the derailer.
She is thoroughly insecure!! The thing is us girls expect too much from men.
What you are in for Aco is that she wants all of you. Call, text,and too much assurance. Can you handle that?

acolyte said...

@ Mocha!
After summer I see myself getting back on the train very soon!I have already began checking out emotionally as this chic isnt worth the shidas she has!Ati you feel for her!Don't you feel for me?!
@ prou
I dont think there is tough love coming anytime soon from that mummy.But I do think it relates with the codependancy thing you are talking about.
I do feel you on keeping the connection alive but if I dont see you or call you for one damn day it doesn't mean that things are going down the drain does it?
@ shiroh
Yes that is one of the things that strikes me as weird how many very stable families often churn out one no good son or daughter.
As for the derailer I am going to re-evaluate if the benefits are worth the constant reassurance activities.

mocha said...

LOL....ati I dont feel for you...WOOIII blog crush! Of course I do. You enjoy your kasummer fling....I will see you at the next stop. tihihihihihi!!!

As for these men who bum....sometimes I blame the mum for mothering them sana. For me a jamaa who calls his mum every flipping day to talk to her like she is his girlfriend or wife are a big no-no. And if you dont jua how the inside of a fridge or oven looks like.....'Ass to the curb' my friend. I aint your housekeeper!!! aka mboch!

acolyte said...

@ Mocha!
Good to know I am still in the light somewhere!
Yup if a dude is too close to his mum or worse yet still lives with her in his mid 20s you need to check yourself and bounce!
If a man or a woman can't take care of themselves then they aren't worth your time of day!

kelitu said...

Aco, let me find out that you preyed on a mama with low self esteem so that she could derail you. I need to call in Inspekta Sikujua on this case- this is a mystery i intend to solve, even if it takes me the whole summer.

LOL! i was busy singing that 'Booty call' song from Blackstreet at jobo today morning. hahaha! great minds really do think alike.

kelitu said...

Oh, i forgot to mention that that piece on the kenyan rave brought back gazillion memories *sigh*
Although i do not know most of new the joints they are talking about, it's nice to see that ka-choi is still kicking a-s-s!

acolyte said...

@ Kelitu
One of my causes of concern was the fact that the mama seemed to have no self esteem issues when we used to hang out as pals but when we hooked up things came out!
Yes in terms of that track I guess great minds do think alike!
As for ka-choi that joint is a classic, it's in a class of it's own in terms of laid back joints!Reading your blog posts about your past could you please tell us some of those memories about Choices?Pretty please!

Prousette said...

things could go down the drain if you do not call for a day depending on what you did or did not do.
Up to you to judge, but in your particular case here you better get calling chap chap.

KenyanMusings said...

Acolyte Darling,

How are you doing?

I would like to know if your Derailer knows the things you say about her on your blog.

Cilility demands that if you cannot say it to her face, then keep it to yourself....I mean, if she has as many issues as you say, then stop dipping it in hers!!!
Anywhoo, I am getting my strokes, so hapo, ni yako.

Eti Booty Call, tehehhe, lakini Aco even you..let me ask, if you are with this Mama, si even you you are settling for less? Alaaaa, the sword cuts both ways daddi!!! Pia wewe, you gat issues, that can't be solved by a tissue...mwehehehhe!

Me, mummy's boys, I do not touch even with a 10 foot pole, but I really judge men by how they treat their moms. Period.
If you mention yo' mama more than say,(insert own time limit here), then its fair to assume, that you are on your way out seeing as my titties, do not produce sir! they are purely aesthetic.....

Ehe, then I see, you are emntioning my name is public ovyo, kama kawaida.

See, as long as we are communicating..I am easy. I do not like to be texted during the day as a matter of fact, cos I am too busy with work.
I like a call before I sleep preferably and a good day text/call in the morning....but even sans that, as long as I feel the communication is alive, me I is bila shidas...altho' I hate it when my texts do not get replied. The policy here is, if you want to do it, time can be made for all the other reasons are pure cow piss.
Thats my 2 cents.

acolyte said...

@ prou
We talked about the issue and we managed to resolve it.She did admit that she can be needy at times but I also told her that I would make some concessions so we met in the middle and everyone was happy!There is little proper negotiation can't fix if both parties are willing!
@ Kenyanmusings
I would like to know if your Derailer knows the things you say about her on your blog.
I throw the question back to you as regards your different men whom you have blogged about.My blog is like my journal and as long as identities are hidden I can write what I damn well please.
Many of the issues she has mentioned I have broached in a polite manner with her but at the end of the day I know you can't fix something unless the owner knows it's broke.
Yes the booty call story was
sad but funny.I do admit that
being with this mama in my case
is settling for less, that I will
not refuse and that issue is going
to be addressed.
The difference between the Acolyte
and many mortals who walk the face
of the earth is that the Acolyte
is well aware of his flaws, and as
a result with each day that passes
he works on eliminating them bit
by bit.Also Acolyte's issues are
simple and do not interfer with the quality of his life and those
around him.
As for men and their mothers I think you should look for a good
medium, one who isn't too close
and one who isn't too distant or
Ehe, then I see, you are emntioning my name is public ovyo, kama kawaida.
As the saying goes, "maneno tamu
hutoa nyoka kwa shimo." Or something like that.
As for communication I am not talking about a black out on a mama but just because for one morning I did not send you a text does not mean it is the beginning of the end, I will still text you later on.
And doesn't absence make the heart grow fonder?Don't u like it when you hear your man's voice after a period's absence as opposed to every day at the same time?

kelitu said...

lol! I will try and dredge up a nice vibe about my crazy nite life.

Girl next door said...

Well, here I am!
That tale of the derailer's bro is rather interesting, ati flunking purposely. Sad that while some people give up so much for a chance at life, others throw away their chances. A lot of mothers feel their offspring can do no wrong and baby them way too long! I'm not a fan of constant texts and phone calls coz I like space. On the other hand, if the calls are always initiated by me then it's a problem. Chics see phone calls as a way of connecting (doesn't matter if you hang out the day before) and they want to talk even though there's nothing specific to say. It's just reassuring, so guys just humor us! Even an e-card or funny e-mail will make your lady's day.

acolyte said...

@ kelitu
When the tales come up I will be there ASAP!
Well I guess mothers do shape our future in more ways than one.Well it seems that I will have to acknowledge the fact that some people are not wireless like me and need connections and so Ive got to call her and touch base a bit more.

Shiroh said...

If you mention yo' mama more than say,(insert own time limit here), then its fair to assume, that you are on your way out seeing as my titties, do not produce sir! they are purely aesthetic.....

Lesson learnt