Lists, tips, essex girls,P.Diddy's latest and talking smack

When I am not writing long block paragraphs with no space between fullstops, I like to put things down in lists, numbered lists not bulleted lists like Movie Buff.You see nothing beats a long numbered list, makes it look like you've been doing something of substance.
Here are some important life tips from Blog Convict.

1) If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

2) Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3) Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

4) Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

5) Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt, a dog turd and a used condom into the bath.

6) Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

7) Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

8) X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

9) Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what you want to look at.

10) Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

11) Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

12) Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

13) Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

14) A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

15) Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

16) An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

17) Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada

18) Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

19) Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

20) Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

21) Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

22) Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

23) High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

24) Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

25) Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

26) Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

27) Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

28) A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from going back to sleep.

I have always loved British humour so I'm going to share some more!I don't know what it is about Essex but I got these Essex girl jokes...

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker.

"10" replies the Essex girl.

"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne."

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames."

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An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.

"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies."This time it's mayonnaise."

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An Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

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An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.

The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"

Girl: "OK"

Medic: "What's your name?"

Girl: "Sharon."

Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"

Sharon: "Yes."

Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"

Sharon: "Romford, mate."

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Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood everywhere.

The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.

Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."

Sharon: "Ok."

Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"

Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

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An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.

She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"

The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well, oim little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me roight foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot"

"Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!"
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Anyway onto other things, I am sure most of you have seen P.Diddy's latest video.No not the one where he is rambling about proactive and other sh*t, but the first single from his latest cd (honestly I think he should have stopped after the first one which coincidentally was full of other people's work) Come to me.Have you ever seen this dude perform live, it's an ordeal but you must give credit where it's due; the man can dance!But please Diddy no more albums, just keep on producing, showing up in your artiste's videos and shouting things like "Bad Boy!" and "Can't stop, won't stop!Bad Boy!"Anyway even though you won't remember it in like a month's time, here's the video for those of you who haven't seen it.


Some very idle chap decided to lay into Shiro about her post about the state of Breakfast radio in Nairobi.This dude had the nerve to call Shiro's post sleazy when the post was anything but that.The last time I was in Kenya figures showed that Kiss Fm had the most popular breakfast show. What does this mean?That Capital and the other stations aren't doing something right. The fact is that at the end of the day that radio stations offer a product to people and if the product isnt good enough they will turn elsewhere. Constructive criticism isn't an attack on the personalities behind the product, fact is that if Capital give the people what they used to love with the early Capital they will come streaming back. That's my $0.02. Have a nice day!