Saturday, January 21, 2006

Let it out and move on...

I went for another international students birthday bash yesterday.And yes I enjoyed the alcohol but and this is a big but I didnt get drunk.I instead did things the way I like to, drink lots of beer slow but sure and take breaks to talk,dance and flirt.When I do this I don't get drunk.I just get buzzed and go to sleep buzzed and it is 11 am I am going to the gym and I am still buzzed but no hangover at all (and that is how it is meant to be).
I was talking to some white girls yesterday and I told them about how my pal had been shot.I also told them that I miss him and that I was not going to cry so they said that they would cry for me.Not true, I and most African men cry; we just don't do it in the open and we don't admit to it.In my case I put my grief at arms length, I fight it and then I choose a night to be alone and to wallow in it.I listen to my melancholic music,I drink at times,I remember,I weep my tears then I let my grief fade away like the ghost of one loved who has found peace.I stop loving what is gone, I believe in carrying on even if I miss what is gone and embracing what I still have.Because as one of my melancholy songs says;
life carries on in the people we meet,
through all the faces we see on the street.
In the dogs and cats,in the flies and rats.
In the homes we reside in,
Life carries on and on and on.....

So if you ever get to know me personally and something goes wrong and you don't see my cry.It's not because I let my grief grow like a tumour in my heart to the level that it sears away my humanity.No my grief is mine and mine alone.For everyone I will be strong then I will find a place and time for myself to be human and to be weak.I grieve but you will never know, that is who I am.....


nick said...

True dat. I also believe grief is personal...I can be laughing on the outside but crying and bleeding on the inside.
Crying doesnt always just mean tears-we all cry!

-hey Aco i have a challenge for u on top of the other challenge-how bout no booze!

Farmgal said...

awwwwww here's a hug aco.
I also do the same am no girly girl in many ways!

Poi said...

So sorry about your friend, Aco.

Grief, it's ok. Feel better with time.

Nice weekend!

Guessaurus said...

I also do the same Aco, cry when I am alone and the 'time is right' - so you aint alone.

Be strong my friend, things do get better after a while, but definitely find time to grieve.

Did you do an extra set of crunches, run an extra five mins and stretch to your toes for me?

Whispering Inn said...

Totally agree! There are many ways to grief - most men will drown their sorrows in kanywaji. It's always good, though, to have quality positive friends and family to uplift you during sad times.

Acolyte said...

@ Nick
No booze is on the list but the stipulation is that I dont buy the booze so what I have been doing is enjoying free booze.But I will cut that down too.
@ Farmgal
Thanks, I needed that!
@ Poi
Yes grief is neccesary.Time heals all wounds
@ Guess
Thanks for the advice.Rest assured I was in the gym this morning despite my lack of sleep,alcohol in my system and a baby headache
@ Whispering Inn
Yes it's good to have people around you during the bad time even though I have that bad habit of not sharing ...

mutumia said...

((((Hugs)))) Aco.

Acolyte said...

@ mutumia

>d® said...

Like Nick & Farmgal, I do all my suffering inside, which might not necessarily be a good thing but that's how I deal with it.

Pole again about your boy, man.