Friday, June 23, 2006

Things that make blokes proud of themselves!

After the last serious post, I found this on one of the many blogs that I visit and I decided to share it so as to start the weekend on a light note.Enjoy them, I know I did!

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and- as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

9. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

11. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

12. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

13. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

14. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

15. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

16. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

17. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

18. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

19. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

20. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad?"

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.


kelitu said...

hahaha! @sharpening pencils using the knife. I thot it was only our mboch who used ot do that job.

As for carring/ having newspapers/ magz in the loo, i stopped. Everytime i would go in there i would get sooo engrossed in the storoz i would forget to do the 'biz' then i would have to go back a 2nd time and i don't play dat.

Acolyte said...

@ kelitu
I too in my day sharpened pencils with a knife if I couldn't get hold of a sharpener.You must have some really interesting mags and be easy to derail if you can sit on the throne pants down and forget to do the biz!

Mimmz said...


egm said...

I went to this restaurant one time, and in the gents while doing my bidness at the urinal, I noticed they had a newspaper in a glass case at eye level on the wall. So si I start reading mpaka I forget what I was doing! I feel you on that Kelitu. Ha, these guys know how to entertain you, even in the loo.

nick said...

ive had my pipes blocked since tuesday...better believe am looking for a paper and a pen for te crosswords

Anonymous said...

nice post aco hey maybe yu should post some man laws like the miller lite commercial and stir up the ladies

acolyte said...

@ mimmz
Ur welcome!
@ egm
I have noticed that many bars do that.I think they want you to keep going back to the gents!
@ nick
Pole sana!Have fun with the crossword!
@ anonymus
I think I have caused enough drama as it is!I'll slow down this time round.

mama mia said...

lol! nice, esp the one on parallel parking .. coz it also explains why men prefer to park in reverse when it's so much easier to simply drive into a parking space and reverse out :)

acolyte said...

@ mama mia
I guess it's these differences that make us fun!

kelitu said...

I am not a fan of going to the bathroom(really don't know why). I can hold pee for a loong time just to avoid going to the loo. So if i go and find magz, just another reason to prolong going.

Prousette said...

I have a stack of magazines in the loo to keep me entertained and carry books too once in a while. It is the only place where no one would dare disturb me.

That list is really funny..

acolyte said...

@ kelitu
I don't think many of us are potty fans but as you said if it can be made less of a hassle then so be it!
@ prou
Seems you have no peace in your house if you have to take refuge in the loo.

Girl next door said...

Wish I had parallel parking skills; I avoid it at all costs--I don't mind parking far and walking back. Winking works! It's flattering and rarely obscene. I know that feeling of earning a pint after a hard day's work.

acolyte said...

@ Girl Next Door
I am sure with some practice you will be able to parralell park with the best of them!I think I'll start winking more often!