Tuesday, February 27, 2007

More Idle Musings and A Shameless Blogger

There are certain lines that you hear in your life be it in movies, tv, music or everday life that you would love to use in real life. I dont have as many as some movie-files like Couch Tato but I do have a few. Let me share a few of them.

1. Your Weakness Disgusts Me! - This sterling line is from Street Fighter 2. The character who uses it is the unstoppable M Bison whos is the Boss at the end of the game. I think it has been almost 10 years since I last played this game but this line is so utilitarian that it hurts. Let me give you an example;

Weak willed guy pal confides in Aco about how he can't break up with his girlfriend whom he no longer loves due to guilt. Despite several reasons being given to him by Aco, he still balks at the thought of coming clean to her. At this point Aco tires of him, sneers at him and declares...."Your weakness disgusts me!"

2.I loves me some pussy! - Chapelle show season ?. In one episode Chappelle has a "movie" of his life narrated and in one scene he dies as a soldier in battle and after the usual talk between soldiers and the shout of "Why?!!!!!!!!!!" by his comrade, Chapelle gets on last flicker of life in him and sits up and says " I loves me some pussy!" before dying for real this time. How would I use this?

Aco manages to sneak into a lesbian nightclub and while he enjoys his beer at the bar while watching young nubile women make out, he notices himself being glared out by a built dyke.
In an effort to promote inter-gender understanding, Aco walks to the Buth lesbian beer in hand and says hello. The lesbian grunts out a hello and stares ahead with a stony expression. Aco then gives a short speech about the importance of understanding and tolerance after which he tells the lesbian, "You and I aren't that different if you really think about it."
"What do you mean?" replies the lesbian.
"Well just like you, I loves me some pussy!" Aco replies while high tailing it out of the joint.

3. I will crush you like a cockroach! - This classic line was delivered by the inimitable Al Pacino in Scarface. This line is so self explanatory that I dont even have to give an example. What could be as fun as looking into the eyes of a rival and shouting, " I will crush you like a cockroach!" while at the same time slamming your fist into his desk?

4.You have been weighed, measured and found wanting - This jewel came from Knight's Tale starring Heath Ledger, do I see ladies swooning? This line is a great ego breaker or put down ie when someone asks Aco why he won't do a collabo post with them, just kidding I am not that arrogant about my blogging; but you catch my drift.

5.You can't handle the truth! - A wonderful line delivered by Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men. When would I use this line? If I were dating a girl and she accused me of lying to her, I would turn around and promptly declare "The truth? You can't handle the truth!"

6. It burns! - This line came from The Excorcist. With some of the cooking I have had to put my tongue through this line is perfect eg "Aco, please taste the soup I made for you?"
Aco takes a big spoonful and immediately contorts his face........"It burns!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Anyway that is enough of me desecrating great movies onto some trash that needs to be put out. Archer brought to my attention a blatant case of plagiarism that had been going on a certain blog. This blog is a perfect example of the problems that I was trying to discuss in this post, he starts by imitating my blog name down to the full stops after it and the motto under my profile. He then goes on to copy pictures from Archer, M and a post from Unyc. When Archer confronted him, he has the nerve to deny it, allege insults, claim the material is his and when the heat became unbearable he put up a post proclaiming that he is being harassed by Archer and then deleted the posts, removed his yahoo address from his profile, but as we have seen, Google doesn't forget!
D.M how long did you think that you would get away with it? The Kenyan blogosphere is like an e-village, people notice these things. If you have nothing to blog about then don't blog, if you borrow material just acknowledge the source; it's that simple. Anyway let me stop wasting my time on a talentless hack, this pic below says what Archer, the other bloggers and I will do to you and the expression after that if you repeat that behaviour.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Monday Musings

Today is one of them lazy Mondays. My cold is almost gone, I think going out into the open air is what helped it out. You see the thing is that I have a strong immune system so when I get a cold it puts me out for the count, the funny thing is that I either got it from my niece or passed it to her; so we were both out of commission for most of last week.

Moving on from my health issues. I am sure some bloggers who are down South have always wondered why they never see Aco at bashes and the readers must wonder why they don't read posts by Aco about the beer fuelled chaos that are known as Kenyan parties and other clubbing experiences. Answer is that other then my apathy towards most Kenyan bashes is that I tend to be a very picky drinky. I only drink on specific days (Fri - Sun afternoons, public holidays, vacations and the odd celebration). I am not one of those dudes who drink to celebrate the sun rising. I also tend to be very picky about where I drink, this isn't to say that I have airs (I'm sure we all remember my post of the burning table at the local). I can only drink in a place where I feel comfortable and safe. I remember one day there was a raid at the Kenya National Theatre pub by Nairobi City Council. Everyone, staff and customers were put in a lorry and carted off. It seems the place didnt have an operating license, so going out for a beer and spending the weekend (if you are busted on a Friday) in jail and having to bribe or pay a fine isn't what I envision when I go out for a beer. And when I am in locals I tend to eschew the use of glasses, this is after seeing a particularly inebriated man vomiting into a glass after being overcome by the brew, and we all know that in many locals their idea of cleaning is swirling water in every glass sans soap; so I am not taking any risks. Of course the joint of choice also has to have nice ambience and a nice mature crowd. I do prefer drinking with my friends and other people who must be able to carry a conversation, I do tend to be paranoid about overly friendly strangers esp women since I could find myself in a scenario like this. Those few things aside, I pretty much drink anywhere and with anyone!

Speaking about bars, let me tell ya'll an interesting story. When I was in Uni in Kenya we had this pal called Mjaka and no he was not a jeng. The origin of that nickname is very interesting, you see we went to the coast for some Mombasa raha and in one of the night clubs a lady of easy virtue took a liking to him and at the end of the night they left together. The next night, we went to another club and we ran into his new friend and he was looking for him, she saw us and started chatting to us. After the usual niceties this is when the convo got interesting,

Girl: Yule beshte wenu, yeye ni mjaka?
Pal #3: Ziii, kwa nini?
Girl: Jana vile alinipeleka kwa bedroom, nilidhani yeye ni mjaka

After hearing that, when we caught up with him; we began to call him Mjaka and the name stuck. For a brief period we did begin calling him Jackass but that is a story for another day.
ps: Due to my fear of finding myself in bed with a girl with hoooves or stretching arms, there is no fraternising with the local women for me during a trip to the Coast.
pps: I do know there is some dude out there who has been pirating content from various Kenyan blogs. Even if you delete your blog, Google never forgets. I am working on a post for you D.M...

Friday, February 23, 2007

Drama Post Part 6

Kamau was dreaming about chasing his wife Njeri through the cornfields adjescent to his house in the teacher's quarters. She laughed as he was slapping her ample rump and tackled her to the ground. He was smiling in his sleep when he felt something land on his chest. He exclaimed and opened his eyes. It was a woman and not just any woman, she was wearing a blouse that was only being held closed by 3 buttons and those buttons were being strained against by firm, round breasts being held down by a lace bra. His eyes inched lower and he saw the weight on his chest was as a result of her large and curvacious rear that was covered in low rise panties. This must have be a dream within a dream he told himself. He reached out to touch the woman's chest just to make sure, when his ears were rend by her shrill scream.

Odouri was frozen in shock for several seconds. He had just come from a nice dinner with Carol and they had already started making out in his dark apartment when he had torn off her skirt and tossed her on the couch so they could really heat things up, when all hell broke loose. He heard a scream and a man's voice. He turned on the light to see Kamau on his couch with half naked Carol on top of him, he saw a gleam in Kamau's eye and his hand reaching towards one of Carol's luscious breasts. She let out a shrill scream and Odouri rushed to the couch, he slapped away Kamau's arm and scooped up Carol. She was clearly shocked and upset, he took her to his room put her on his bed to recover and went back to the sitting room.

"What are you doing here?!" he asked Kamau

"You told me that I could spend the night" Kamau replied

"That was yesterday, today is another day; you must leave now" Oduori declared

"You are going to throw me out just because of that woman?" Kamau said with a sneer on his face, "What kind of man are you? Kihii!"

On hearing this affront to his manhood Oduori exclaimed in dhuluo, "Adhi nyise an thuon!!!!"
He then picked Kamau from the couch who struggled against his strong grip and dumped him outside on the corridor.

Kamau sat outside on the cold corridor floor. It seems he had let his temper get the best of him, he began to ponder what possibilities were open to him when a something heavy rammed into his head leaving his ears ringing. It was his luggage that Oduori had just thrown at him, he heard the door close and laughter behind it.

Mary had a hard time paying attention in class that day, her neck and back hurt the whole day from sleeping on the hard chair. She was grateful for the evening. She went to Mvaite's house to pick up her luggage. She let herself in with her spare key and noticed that the room she had re-arranged had gone back to it's previous squalor under Mvaite. She picked up her luggage and began to carry it to her destination. Almost an hour later she was there, sweaty and tired but she was there.

Linda was settling down to watch Bishop T.D Jakes on tv when she heard a knock on the door. She wondered who it was because her room mate was not around. She went to the door and looked through the peep hole. It was the other Kenyan girl, it took her sometime to recall her name was Mary. She opened the door wondering why she was here at this time of night, because they never spent time together or visited each other. What was even more interesting was that she had a suitcase with her. She was also really flustered and tired, Linda asked her in out of courtesy so as to know what was going on. Mary sat down and began telling her how she was thrown out of the house in the middle of the night by Mvaite for no reason at all, she then went on to say how she had to sleep on the floor in the library and suspected that she may have caught pneumonia. Linda found herself shivering with shock, she had always knew that Mvaite was rough around the edges from when they interacted but she would have never thought he would be this brutal. She said that she could put up Mary for the night but would have to talk to her room mate Lily; a Kenyan girl she had moved in with when they joined the University at the same time.

Earlier that same day Kendi had gotten a ride into the 'ville by one of her friends. She asked him to wait for her in the parking lot as she walked to the International Student's Center; she felt a cold sweat on her brow as she contemplated the task that lay ahead of her. She knew that she still owed fees from last semester and to make things worse she was going to ask for an out of state waiver for this semester's fees. She walked in and said good morning to the good natured receptionist and was told to wait for a few minutes for the Head of the International Student's Center. After a short uneventful wait she was told she could go in, she walked into the office and said hello to Mrs Johnson, the middle aged white lady who dealt with most International Student Affairs. Mrs Johnson looked up and down at her and after greeting her the first thing she asked Kendi was how come she hadn't registered for class as the deadline was a few days away. Before Kendi could answer she was asked when she was going to settle her tuition bill from last semester. Kendi knew she was in problems.

Lane Johnson had just finished dealing with an exchange student from Spain when that Kenyan girl Kendi walked in. Lane did not like this girl from the first day she met her. She came late for orientation, wasn't too quick on the uptake, took part in as few activities for the International Students Centre as possible; in general she was just bad for what she expected International Students to be. She also remembered that the girl, Kendi owed quite a bit of money from last semester. Her government had sent a letter pledging to pay off that money but the money never came through, for some reason she wasnt surprised. Kendi looked at her and took her time before anwering, she said that the money would be sent by the Ministry of Education in Kenya. Lane knew she would say something like that but her next question shocked her, Kendi asked if she could be given an Out of State Waiver. Lane found this question almost laughable but for the sake of appearance kept a stern expression on her face. There may be a few waivers coming soon from sponsors but this girl would be one of the last people she would consider for one. She looked at Kendi, pretended to sympathise with her and told her that she was sorry but there were no waivers available; she then added that Kendi had one week to come up with this semster's fees. She smiled at Kendi and asked her if there was anything else she could help her with? For some reason Kendi looked like 10 tonnes of bricks had been dropped on her, she said no and stumbled out of the office.

Kendi walked out of the International Student's Center, she had alway thought the Student Advisor didn't like her but this latest interaction with her proved it. She still owed the school money after her contact in the Ministry of Education didn't manage to get the money they promised her. She still had to come up with this semester's fees and without the Out of State waiver that would be next to impossible. She walked to the coffee shop, sat down and pondered her plight for the next 2 hours. It was time to use what she got from Muiriungi the other night, she pulled out her phone, scrolled through the numbers and when she found it she pressed the call button. The phone rang 3 times till it was picked up, a pleasant female voice on the other voice answered, "Dr Patel's office, may I help you?"

A few blocks and a few hours away trudged away from the apartment block with his bags weighing him down. What would he do? Where would he go? Were the first thoughts that came to mind. He walked to parking lot when he saw Clubhouse where the students hung out when they wanted to play pool or watch a game on the big screen tv. He walked into the clubhouse and quickly dumped his bag behind one of the couches, sat on it and pretended to watch tv. Most of the students were their in their cliques and didn't bother with him. The crowd was slowly filtering out and for appearances' sake Kamau pretended to join them and at the door turned off the light and closed the door. He watched them walk off into the horizon and made himself comfortable on one of the couches. He dozed for almost a full hour when he heard footsteps approach. He looked up and then dived behind one of the couches. It was the cleaning crew. One of them looked around and said, "The room looks clean enough let's give it a pass for tonight"

"Good idea, let me turn down the heat and we can leave," came the reply and the footsteps receeded.

The large room began to get colder and colder. Kamau opened one of his bags, pulled out his favourite No Excuses jacket and wrapped it around him and fell into fitful sleep.

Lily pulled upto the 2 bedroom trailer she shared with Linda. She had had a long day at work and was tired but could never confess to Linda that she had a job as that was illegal, and if that fact slipped to the other gossipy African girls who lived in their trailer park. She walked in and saw luggage on the sitting room floor. They had just moved in and not bought any furniture other than a dining table, so the bags were very prominent in the room. Linda must have a guest she thought to herself, she went to the kitchen and poured herself a glass of juice. The main thought on her mind was taking a long nap so as to wash away the frustrations from her collections job when Linda came out of the room with another girl. It took her a minute or two but she recognised the girl as Mary, who according to her recollection was living with Mvaite and Aco. Linda told Lily that Mary had been thrown out and asked if she could stay with them. Lily said it would be fine for a day or two till she got her own place. At this point Mary perked up and pipped, "Whose bed will I be sharing?"

"Not mine, I don't share beds," Lily blurted out like the thought disgusted her.

"I can't sleep with someone I don't know," Linda quickly added.

"Well in that case I think you should get a ride to Walmart and buy something to sleep on," Lily said over her shoulder as she walked into her room and shut the door behind her.

Back in the Oduori's room the only thing that could be heard was the rhythmic breathing of Oduori and Carol as they lay in bed spent. Oduori had managed to calm down Carol after her initial shock of landing on Kamau. After which they resumed the flirting which led to heavy petting and the release of the pent up passion they both had for each other, they ripped the remaining clothes they had on and took each other with reckless abandon; consuming each other over and over until they fell into exhausted sleep intertwined with Carol's head on Oduori's chest.

Part 7: Will Mary get to sleep? Who is this Dr Patel that Kendi called? How long is Kamau going to live in the clubhouse? What is Mvaite upto? All this and more coming in part 7!

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Genies ,Ginormus Girls and Germs

I was reading this article about the Coast and it cracked me up! The city that genies built. I recall hearing many of those geenie stories, so much so that when I was about to have my way with some girl I met the last time I was there; I sprinkled a whole bottle of Holy Water on her just to see what would happen. Sadly she screeched like a banshee and turned into dust. It was another holiday on the Bilaz train. Anyway on a serious note, I do think that alot of these tales are just that tales. Because the Coast does suffer from crime despite genies influence, but on the other hand some of these things could have happened. Why do I say that? I don't think you can the existance of only "godly" without the existance of that which could be called "ungodly." Now if only I could get one of dem genies to make me $$ so I don't have to work a 9-5?

I think I have just found the right girls for Milo's threesome! Yes the big girls are back for part 3 of The Erection Destruction Series! Yee haw!


Anyway I have fallen victim to some flu germs (or at least that is what I think they are) so let me go hibernate for a day or two, any longer and I may turn into a butterfly. Let the healing begin!

Monday, February 19, 2007

Change Of Venue People!

Happy Monday! Visit me here. Ciao!